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You can't move?

You don't actually get paid? You know, money?

Screw the finances, move.

And if your wife thinks she has to chose between you two, then your wife is part of the problem. She should have chosen YOU without even thinking about it. She should have lit into her mother like a wildcat to protect you even if you weren't there.

The first time my mother said something negative about my wife around me I hammered her, telling her in no uncertain terms I chose Mary and it was only an accident of fate that I am my mother's son. I was not polite, and I was not quiet. I was belligerent and very rude, and said if she wanted to see me again she better shut her damned mouth up about my wife unless she has only nice things to say.
 

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And note, if your wife actually cared about your marriage I think she would happily go live in the car with you and the baby rather than spend another day there.

You CAN move.

So move. If your wife is more attached to her mother than to her family, her real family, then you do know where the real problem is.

But people let the fear of an uncomfortable night rule their lives, don't they.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
She feels we won't get this much space for this rent (which is below market-rate, but not much...did I mention her aunt owns the house?) We love the school district...our daughter loves her school, and her big room. And moving out, except to buy our own house (which we can't afford to do right now) would probably all but end her relationship with her mother. She is afraid of this...which I think is part of the problem. Even though she is well aware she is a "witch" (her words) her constant encouragement that we give-in to "placate" must make the woman feel she has this power over us.
 

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All economic garbage. You would let that ruin your marriage?

If your wife is afraid of ending her relationship with her mother over bad actions on the part of her mother, then her mother owns the relationship and will make it whatever her mother wants it to be. Her mother never has to be civil as long as the daughter, your wife, is afraid to break the bond to enforce correct actions.

If your wife actually wants to save your marriage she should choose you and be willing to loose her mother's relationship. Either her mother will straighten up or lose out. If your mother in law won't change, you loose nothing but misery anyway.

If your wife does not see it that way then your wife has already in fact made a choice. She chooses her mother. Over you.

Edit: In a year's time when you see the misery you have lived through and end up divorced, you will really love all that material wealth you managed to save up, I bet.
 

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If moving will end her relationship with her mother (how is that even normal that a married adult with a child is operating in that dynamic) that goes to show just how unhealthy a living situation this is. Get out now. This is ruining your marriage. Actually you aren't in a marriage. You are in a marriage triangle.
 

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These all sound like YOUR objections, and quite frankly many of them seem childish and petty. Why pull your wife into it?

If you have a problem with the behavior, how about you put a stop to it? Perhaps her mother would respect you if you showed a little backbone.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Really? What sounds childish and petty? I have stood up to her before, and it led to an explosion...in front of my child, which I regretted...but I feel that she did respect me a little more once the smoke cleared. Nevertheless, my wife always puts pressure on me to be the one who apologizes, even though SHE is the one being childish.

I was also wondering if someone here, specifically, agrees with her that I should've offered her a ride two blocks just because I was in the car, in the driveway, with the motor running, having just gotten back?
 

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Here's a few:

She didn't give you a father's day card until after midnight. You're not her father, are you?

You have to lug gifts upstairs? I suppose you mean gifts that she purchased for you and your family. How rude of her to expect you to carry them. I suppose if she gave you a winning lottery ticket you would complain that you now had to go collect the winnings.

She wants you to wait to open them until she is present? What a jerk! How dare she want to be part of things? She should just buy the presents and get lost.

She never says your kid looks like you? Well, maybe she doesn't think she does. I guess she should just tell you what you want to hear.

I don't generally like to use the term "man up" but it really does apply here. Why do you need her to thank you for shoveling the driveway? Doesn't sound like she has a car, so who did you actually shovel it for?

If you have such a problem with your mother in law doing her laundry when she does, tell her to do it another time. If you didn't want to drive her somewhere, tell her so and take your wife out of the loop.

Are you afraid of your MIL? She may never respect you, but she surely won't if you keep hiding behind your wife. Your wife does not want to confront her mother and quite possibly does not agree with you that she is such a big problem. Handle it yourself. If your wife becomes angry with you for doing so, at least you will know your position in the hierarchy.
 

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It was a ****ty move not to give her a ride to the bus.
Let me tell you something about dealing with asses,if you don’t rise above it and actually drop down to their level that makes you an ass as well.Im certain your wife is fed up dealing with both of you but you sound like a child with your complaining.
You may have some genuine points but come on dude,you have to carry presents up the stairs?,that’s not such a big deal in reality.
If you really want to meet a mother in law from hell I’ll introduce you to mine.
 

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So, you're living in a situation that causes drama and will eventually erode your marriage because your daughter likes the school district, has a big bedroom, and you're paying slightly less than market price in rent? Really?

Move out! Bedrooms are primarily for sleeping, your kid doesn't need a large one. You can live in district or move to another school district where your daughter will find new friends to enjoy. Slightly under market value isn't much of a deal when your unhappy with your living situation.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
It was a ****ty move not to give her a ride to the bus.
Let me tell you something about dealing with asses,if you don’t rise above it and actually drop down to their level that makes you an ass as well.Im certain your wife is fed up dealing with both of you but you sound like a child with your complaining.
You may have some genuine points but come on dude,you have to carry presents up the stairs?,that’s not such a big deal in reality.
If you really want to meet a mother in law from hell I’ll introduce you to mine.
Yeah, well, you're missing the point that she walks the 3 minutes to the bus every day. So I felt, in my exhausted 2-hours-of-sleep state, "Why should today be any different?" BTW, I have to take my kid to school on the city bus tomorrow (which I don't mind) because my wife will have the car for work. MIL will be plopped inside with her car in the driveway. Guess who doesn't feel he's owed a lift?
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Here's a few:

She didn't give you a father's day card until after midnight. You're not her father, are you?

You have to lug gifts upstairs? I suppose you mean gifts that she purchased for you and your family. How rude of her to expect you to carry them. I suppose if she gave you a winning lottery ticket you would complain that you now had to go collect the winnings.

She wants you to wait to open them until she is present? What a jerk! How dare she want to be part of things? She should just buy the presents and get lost.

She never says your kid looks like you? Well, maybe she doesn't think she does. I guess she should just tell you what you want to hear.

I don't generally like to use the term "man up" but it really does apply here. Why do you need her to thank you for shoveling the driveway? Doesn't sound like she has a car, so who did you actually shovel it for?

If you have such a problem with your mother in law doing her laundry when she does, tell her to do it another time. If you didn't want to drive her somewhere, tell her so and take your wife out of the loop.

Are you afraid of your MIL? She may never respect you, but she surely won't if you keep hiding behind your wife. Your wife does not want to confront her mother and quite possibly does not agree with you that she is such a big problem. Handle it yourself. If your wife becomes angry with you for doing so, at least you will know your position in the hierarchy.
OK, re-reading this today, yes, complaining about lugging gifts up the stairs seems silly. But you all don't get the big picture. It's a constant presence, a constant taking-over. Christmas Eve, wife and I arrived home from visiting my family expecting to just put our child to bed and have a nice Xmas eve, being basically done. MIL brought my wife (who'd been up since 3am for work) close to tears by insisting she come down and help wrap, even though she'd wrapped tons of gifts for her mother earlier in the week without being asked to.

None of these things she does for us is surrounded by warmth or love. She acts as though we ASK for all this. And owe her for it. There's a difference between spoiling your granddaughter at Xmas, and turning the day into an overwhelming barking-orders-at-us production. Yes, she does have a car. She just expects the snow all to be done, ASAP, even though she's not going anywhere. And we do it because we're nice, and not lazy. But an occasional thank you would be nice.

Re: Father's Day. No wise guy, I'm not her father, but I'm the father of the love of her life, her granddaughter. And at a family gathering I had to watch her shower her sister's boyfriend in affection and gifts while I stood there ignored. Now do you get it?
 

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Discussion Starter #16
More whining but no action? How's that working out for you?

You sure like being the victim...
Thanks so much for your help, Zookeeper.

The whole thing's blown over anyway. She probably realized she was being petty and calmed down.

Oh, and it was hard to "take action" today when wife works first half of day, I work second half of day, and MIL works ALL day.

We don't all have all day to troll.
 

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Move.

It really is that simple.

But you just can't stand the idea of actually having to pay your own way, can you?

Or did your wife say she won't move with you?

Do you expect people here to help you learn to cope with your mother in law living downstairs? Unlikely. They will tell you to go live somewhere else. Get some distance.

They were right when they said moving in above her mother would destroy your life.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Move.

It really is that simple.

But you just can't stand the idea of actually having to pay your own way, can you?

Or did your wife say she won't move with you?

Do you expect people here to help you learn to cope with your mother in law living downstairs? Unlikely. They will tell you to go live somewhere else. Get some distance.

They were right when they said moving in above her mother would destroy your life.
We are paying our own way. When did I state otherwise? There are two apartments. We pay our rent, she pays hers.
 

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Then you should have no problem affording another place.

You said you stay because you cannot afford another place. Or was it because you cannot afford another place quite so posh at such a cheap price. So you trade peace of mind for posh surroundings?

Ever heard the Country Western song line "We ain't had no hard times at all"? Living miserably in a mansion is not acceptable.

I would not accept your living arrangements if the aunt was offering free room and board and a college fund for your daughter. But you sell your happiness cheap.

I would chose a hovel any day, and keep my happiness, and dance with my wife every evening across the tiny space between our bed and the counter.
 

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Thanks so much for your help, Zookeeper.

The whole thing's blown over anyway. She probably realized she was being petty and calmed down.

Oh, and it was hard to "take action" today when wife works first half of day, I work second half of day, and MIL works ALL day.

We don't all have all day to troll.
Carry on. Complaining to your wife is working great. Not sure why you posted here in the first place. You seen to have a good handle on things.
 
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