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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I thought I would write a bit about the situation I was in 10 years ago. I hope I can give it justice....it's so hard to write about details that happened that long ago...and I don't want to write a book here. I will try my best.

To say I married the women of my dreams would be an understatement. I married my best friend, my confedant, my lover and my second half…she was my world. I have had friends marry out of convenience, it was the logical next step. I have friends that married because there was a little one on the way. I have had friends marry because they told themselves that they should be married by such and such an age. I have had friend marry because they wanted to have a wedding party...I think. I married because I was trully head over heals blissfully in love and I wanted to spend the rest of my days with the women of my dreams.

Three years and a baby boy later…my best friend came home from work one night and dropped a bomb that shattered my whole world. “I think I love him” she said to me and my heart stopped.

That’s how I found out..on the porch of my home on a cool summer night. Suddenly, the last six months of my marriage started making sense…and all the lies unfolded before my eyes. All I was left with was the sickest feeling right in the pit of my gut that would not go away and questions that I could not get answers for.

Of course we all know this was just the beginning. What followed was the hardest year of my life.

Are you staying? Do you love me or him? Stay..go..stay..go...and on..and on...and on. This lasted about a month.

I moved out (200+ miles away). He moved in (as soon as the coast was clear). We would drive and meet at the halfway point to share my son, I had him most weekends. This went on for 3 months. The divorce papers had been filed.

Then came the "gas-lighting and blame shifting" I was made out to be the most selfish, sluggish, non-understanding person that ever walked the planet. I bought into this.

Then came the games. She wanted to work it out...so she moved back in with me. Said it was over between them..I bought into this too. I stopped the divorce proceedings.

We all know she didn't stop seeing him, of course. I lost my mind. She put a restraining order on me. No, I never laid a hand on her. This was her way of showing people how right she was...I was a d_ck! Just like she said I was. She moved in with her parents and continued her affair.

The divorce was back on...another $1200 to file...yippie!

We didn't speak for about a month.

I was dead inside..completely hollow. Battered, broken..and broke. I cried daily. I drove around a lot. What came next saved my life.

I don't recall the exact time it happened to me, all I can say it was when I was at my lowest. I was driving down the highway coming home from work...major rush hour traffic. I remember looking at the cars full of people and just loathing every single one of them. Don't these people know what I am going through? Don't they care?

I was really losing control of my emotions....I was splitting in two!

Just then I pulled over...I had had enough! Enough of the pain...enough of the lies, enough of the guilt, enough...ENOUGH!

I got out of the car and dropped to my knees, right there on the shoulder of the road in the middle of rush hour traffic and prayed.

With hands folded and head bowed...I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed for Jesus to take control and to lift my burdens. I gave it all to the Lord above. Everything...my sins, my pain....my life. I placed it all before His throne and asked Him to take it. I asked for His will to be done and not mine. I admitted that my wishes were nothing to His. I prayed.


I left that road side and drove strait to the bookstore and purchased my first Bible.

From that point on things got easier.


Mind you...I was never a believer before.


So the story goes. I stayed glued to my Bible and to Christ day and night. I read and studied. I worked. I spent time with my son. I still loved my wife.


When the day came for the divorce to be finalized, I was in a good place. I was healed physically and emotionally. I was ready to be divorced and to move forward into being single again.

The judge gave me a chance to speak, I think...or I asked for the chance...can't really remember. All I remember from being in that courtroom was turning to my wife and saying "Honey, I love you...I don't want a divorce..I want to work it out."


We left hand in hand..proceeded to the diner across the street and had coffee.

It's hard to recall all the horrible details of what happened 10 years ago. I can attest that it was like any of the hundreds of post on this board. The script remains the same it seems for so many people. However...I can remember vividly how it felt when I prayed that day on the side of the road. I can remember how it felt to hold my wife's hand walking to that diner.

So how did you heal this relationship you ask?

No secret formula.

Although we didn't go to counseling. We got about every book there was on the subject...we studied, read, reflected. She came clean on everything. She corrected all of her lies she had told about me...reverse gas-lighting I guess. She took ownership of the affair. We worked as a team...we communicated...we took our time...and we kept Christ as our center..our Lord and our master.

best wishes,

GM
 

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Thank you for writing this. I brings me much hope.

My husband wrote me an email from Iraq that he wanted a divorce and he wanted it all legal "right now." He seemed to be in such a hurry. We have been married almost 15 years and because I upset him one day, he wanted a divorce??? I never saw it coming (we had our normal problems mind you) but not to this extent.
He refused to write or call for an entire month--even on our sons bday. Sad really. When he did finally call, he was very emotionally and mentally abusive to us (our children are 10, 12 and 13). He said he was ready to move on, was not in love with me but liked the person I was....w/e that is supposed to mean.
Well, he is deployed and I continued to support him- send him what he needed and extras that we had planned all along in our care packages. He called one day and told us not to send any more. Every time he needed something though, he would place a one line email and request something. So I was being the nice person and sending what he needed.
One day he called and we were talking, trying to come to some terms with this seperation/divorce thing. He said thank you for supporting my decision. And thanked me for my support by sending what he needed. WHAT???? I told him straight out...he had ruined this deployment for the kids and I. We had dreamed of supporting him and making sure he had tokens of our love- weekly care packages and email notes...the whole thing. He had completely turned our lives upside down and made us all on edge. I told him I DID NOT support his decision -- to divorce me -- and most certainly did not support his behavior. But what I did support was the Soldier I love and no matter what I wanted to do what I set out to do- so that if something were to happen, I would have no regrets.
He went silent. I don't think he knew what to say. From that day on, I voiced my thoughts, stopped being his doormat and stopped sending packages.
My silence taught him what it would be like to be without me and that "support." We are 3 months into R, I still struggle with the words he spoke to me in such anger and in the midst of the fog. I know he does not want to relive what he said, he is ashamed....but I need to know he is really sorry and he really has yet to take responsibility. I guess in time that will come.

There is always hope. It was my weekly visits to my chaplain that help me find my voice and gave me the strength to say what needed to be said. I want to live with no regrets- and know that I did what I needed to for my family, but more important for me.
 

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Wow! There is certainly hope. I am so pleased it happened for you and that you and W are trying to work it out. Thank you for sharing, I hope my H will have an epiphany of some sort to try and make it work too.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Wow! There is certainly hope. I am so pleased it happened for you and that you and W are trying to work it out. Thank you for sharing, I hope my H will have an epiphany of some sort to try and make it work too.

Tess,

We have worked it out...we walked out of that courtroom 10 years ago.

GM
 

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Geoffrey... I have a question if you don't mind, how did it start, did you have a gut feeling about it that something is wrong? What were your flaws in particular that made her do what she did?

Sorry to probe, but your story is my worst nightmare - aka "Everything fine then suddenly BOOM!" =/
Just wondering how I can possibly prevent it.
 

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Your story truly brings hope GM!! I'm happy things have worked for you and your W. Your story has made my day! Thank you for sharing!
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Geoffrey,

Inspiring. Thanks! My H and I walked out of a courtroom back on July 30 a year ago, hand in hand, calling off our divorce after 5 months of my world crumbling around me. We are still working through things and I feel something happened with him a few weeks ago... Things seem really strange (calm good), like he's a different person, for the good thankfully. It was shortly after I found the personals on his phone a few months ago.

Again, thanks for sharing your story!

:)
 

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Wonderful story of reconciliation. Thank you for sharing.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Geoffrey... I have a question if you don't mind, how did it start, did you have a gut feeling about it that something is wrong? What were your flaws in particular that made her do what she did?

Sorry to probe, but your story is my worst nightmare - aka "Everything fine then suddenly BOOM!" =/
Just wondering how I can possibly prevent it.
I did have a gut feeling that something was wrong...but just figured we were having a rough patch. Nothing made me think she was cheating. It wasn't until I found out that all the pieces fell together.

As far as flaws...I don't know if that's the right word. I would say she made mistakes...so would she. She confided in the wrong individual (namely someone not me) and it spiraled out of control from there.

There was nothing that made her do it...it was her choice alone. A bad choice, yes...but still her choice.


Thanks,

GM
 

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Discussion Starter #14
how is that Justice ?

the only thing you gained is your son only.
Not sure what you're getting at here. I never was looking for justice.

I gained only my son? I think you missed the whole point.

best wishes,

GM
 

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Thank you for coming on here after reconciling and letting us know your story.

Three words said at your wedding and the same three words at your Divorce! So simple.

You were the one who was cheated on but you were the one to turn it around. The injured party usually waits and wants an apology.

I guess you manned up in a different way, in a way that every woman probably wants to hear her man say; an unconditional declaration of love even in the bad times as well as the good. That took great inner strength and I guess we know where it came from...

Wishing you every success in your reconciliation.

How long did your separation last for you to get your chance at love again..... in Court?
 

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Thanks for sharing your story. You are an amazing and forgiving person! Congrat's to you and your wife for a happier and healthier marriage!!!!

What made you drop to your knees? Did you feel comfort in your prayer or did you get an answer? I am just curious how your new found spirituality process went?
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Thank you for coming on here after reconciling and letting us know your story.

Three words said at your wedding and the same three words at your Divorce! So simple.

You were the one who was cheated on but you were the one to turn it around. The injured party usually waits and wants an apology.

I guess you manned up in a different way, in a way that every woman probably wants to hear her man say; an unconditional declaration of love even in the bad times as well as the good. That took great inner strength and I guess we know where it came from...

Wishing you every success in your reconciliation.

How long did your separation last for you to get your chance at love again..... in Court?
We were separated about 6 months..give or take a bit...she moved back in a week or so after we talked in the diner.

Thank you for the kind words,

GM
 

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I did have a gut feeling that something was wrong...but just figured we were having a rough patch. Nothing made me think she was cheating. It wasn't until I found out that all the pieces fell together.

As far as flaws...I don't know if that's the right word. I would say she made mistakes...so would she. She confided in the wrong individual (namely someone not me) and it spiraled out of control from there.

There was nothing that made her do it...it was her choice alone. A bad choice, yes...but still her choice.


Thanks,

GM
Thanks mate, it's just when I hear stories like this when it just goes "WHAM" it makes me wonder how it happens. You mentioned you had a gut feeling in the past, but didn't suspect she was cheating... Looking back, were there signs of infidelity you may have ignored? I'm very curious.

In my case I trust the missus to be loyal, she's always been. I don't even have the gut feeling and there has been zero signs. However I'm keeping both my eyes open at present as I've never withdrew from her sexually like what I'm doing at present before.

Still, I would hate for it to happen to me when we're in good times and it just blows up in my face. I'm not capable of such forgiveness unlike yourself, whether for me or for the missus, even though the missus already forgave me for my own past infidelity years ago - before marriage (however it seems she has not forgotten)

Also, you mentioned there was no reason why she did it? How can you be content with that? I know I wouldn't be =/ Sorry to keep probing but I'm very curious to learn. Also, were you two passionate during the last 6 months prior to finding out what she did?
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Thanks for sharing your story. You are an amazing and forgiving person! Congrat's to you and your wife for a happier and healthier marriage!!!!

What made you drop to your knees? Did you feel comfort in your prayer or did you get an answer? I am just curious how your new found spirituality process went?

I dropped to my knees out of pure desperateness...I had absolutely no where else I could turn...the pain was just too much for me to bear by myself any longer....and perhaps that's the only way some of us can find the path He wants us on.

I felt a great sense of calm after the prayer...I hadn't prayed since I was 10 0r 11 years old..I was 26 when this all went down. I guess you could say...I wasn't unfamiliar with Christ..but I was certainly no believer...until that point.

Did my prayers get answered? When I prayed that day... I specifically prayed for His will to be done...not mine...not my wishes..not my anything..I just prayed for His will to take control over my life and for Him to take the pain away.

The pain certainly lessened immediately and I was granted a great sense of calm. I knew for for sure that no matter how things turned out...reconciled and still married or not..I was going to be ok.

From then on I just studied the Bible, listened to my inner voice and believed in Christ Almighty.

Do I believe His divine touch was present in my darkest hour? Absolutely.

Thanks for the kind words,

GM
 
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