[jaquen]

So I just had an unsettling, but interesting, experience with my wife.

I go into the bedroom after she's gotten out the shower. Still damp, she's lying on our bed in just a towel. I lay down, and assume the spooning position. She's talking about this or that, while I am caressing her breasts, kissing her soft back, just lightly exploring her body. All is well.

I, naturally, am turned on. I begin to slip my hand in between her thighs from behind, looking forward to the moist treasure inside, and she suddenly clamps her thighs shut. Puzzled, but determined, I try again. She says "no, not right now". I ask her why is she closing her legs, and she shrugs her shoulders. I get concerned, because this is unlike her, and inquire about what's going on.

Wife: Maybe we should go on a date. Going out somewhere would be really nice.

Me: What in the world are you talking about?

Wife: Just saying, a date would be good.

Me: I get that, a date would be fine, but what does that have to do with what's happening right now?

Wife: I don't know, just saying.

Me: What have you been reading?

Wife: [Hesitates] Nothing. Why do you think I've been reading something?

Me: Because I know you, and you don't sound like yourself. So what have you been reading?

Wife: I've been thinking...

Me: Just tell me what you've been reading.

Wife: I think I should be a little more chaste.

You guys should have seen my face. Total and complete indignation. Couldn't believe what I was hearing. This is not us...at all. She sees that I am lost in total indignation, and shutting down.

Me: Well that was a boner killer.

Wife: Why? What did I say.

She tries to caress me, and I told her I don't want to be touched. She is surprised, and wants to keep touching me. I tell her "no", and say I just want to get to the bottom of all this. I don't want to be touched, I want answers.

She sees that I am very affected by all this, and upset. She finally relents and says:

Wife: Alright....well you've been reading that marriage site, so I decided to sign up for my own marriage bulletin. They were saying that wives shouldn't be so available, and that it's nice to tease your husband to keep him satisfied. It got me thinking that maybe I am a little too free and open? I thought I'd try something new. Give you some extra spice.

I look shell shocked. She keeps trying to hold me, and I am totally repulsed by what happened due to some advice from a random marriage bulletin.

Me: I knew you were reading something! Do you know why I spend time on that site (TAM)? Besides the fact that I like talking about relationship matters, I stick around partly to provide a little hope to people that there are people in good marriages out there. Do you know how many millions of couples are totally sexless, or near sexless? How many people I see on TAM with spouses who are behaving the way you're acting?

Wife: I'm sorry. I didn't see it that way. I just thought I'd play a little coy. Is there something wrong with adding new things? Some extra spice?

Me: Is there something deeper here? Do you need some spice? Is that what this is really about?

Wife: No. I just don't want you to get bored. You have a healthy appetite...

Me: Are you saying you don't have a healthy appetite now?

Wife: No, I'm not saying that. I just thought you'd want to try something new because I don't want you to get bored.

Me: Then ask me if I'm bored, or need more variety. Don't read some marriage bulletin, not talk to me about it, and then start talking about needing dates before sex, or being more chaste. I don't find being chaste sexy at all. Just ask me. The way you went about it, I didn't have any context for what you were trying to get across.

Wife: OK. Are you happy with our sex life? Do you need some more variety?

Me: I think we should have sex even more often. I told you that earlier this week.

Wife: I know.

Me: Do you have something you want to do differently?

Wife: No, I agree we need to have sex more often. I just wanted to try something new, to make sure you were happy. Do you need more variety?

Me: When I need more, I will tell you that I do. You know how I am.

Wife: OK. Sorry. I just was trying to be coy.

Me: That didn't come off as coy AT ALL. That cut too closely to the period where you were having body image issues, and were closing yourself off from sex more often. All this whole thing did was bring back memories from then. All I see is that I go to touch you, you clamped your legs shut, start talking about some vague idea of dating, and then mention needing to be more chaste. Do you know how all that looks to me? Can you see why that would provoke a strong reaction from me?

Wife: I didn't see it that way, but I can see better now why you reacted the way you did. I didn't mean it like that though. I was just trying to be coy, to tease.

Me: Teasing is wearing an outfit that you know will drive me crazy. Teasing is putting on some underwear that looks great on your body. Shutting your legs, and acting like a chaste wife who doesn't want to be touched ain't teasing. That's gonna have the exact opposite effect. I love how open and free we are! You got some bad advice.

So then, at this point, she's all emotional. She's tearing up, and I'm trying to relax out of my fight-or-flight, heightened place. She withdraws a little, gets timid, and I ask her why. She explains that she really didn't mean to set anything off. That she just thought she'd experiment with some of the advice from the marital bulletin, and didn't expect my really strong reaction.

So now she's teary, and I'm shell shocked.

We're silent for a bit, while she's finishing getting ready and fixes a quick breakfast.

She sits on the bed. My eyes are closed. She says, in the sweetest voice, "give me your hand baby". I open my eyes and put my hand into hers. She looks straight in my eyes and says:

Wife: Babe, we're so good. Do not worry, I am not dissatisfied. I know you like to look for the deeper root of things, but this isn't one of those times. I just read some info, and I thought I would try out something new. There is nothing more to it than that, I promise. OK?

Me: OK.

She finishes getting ready, deeply kisses me, and leaves.

Sheesh. A bit of bad advice from a marriage bulletin, me being far more affected by the TAM stories than I thought, and BAM, a little thing becomes a whole messy morning!

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

jaquen,

I personally think it's better to get these feelings out there. When I read your story, I see a big misunderstanding being cleared up and both partners now knowing more about each other than before. Verbal expression is the key to emotional intimacy

 

[ScarletBegonias]

jaquen,

I personally think it's better to get things out there. When I read your story, I see a big misunderstanding being cleared up and both partners now knowing more about each other than before. Verbal expression is the key to emotional intimacy

:iagree:


I think it's great she wants to make sure you're happy and satisfied and she wants to make sure you aren't bored.

I like the talk you guys had,I think it's healthy

 

[DayDream]

:scratchhead:

 

[TrustInUs]

I think advice on marriage forums can be hit or miss sometimes. My H made a comment at first about getting advice from here until he started reading too. There are some things, especially the alpha threads, that I wondered if he'd try which I'm not sure how I'd feel if he did.

Anyway, it seems like you and your wife have a great communication, and I'm glad you were able to resolve it quickly.

 

[CharlieParker]

I can sort of relate, not necessarily in a good way.
I thought we were so good, why wouldn't I, she said so. And she had always been rather vocal if something was wrong. Had being the key word. I had to pull it out of her, well let's just say we got some work to do. Argh, I wish she said something and I wish I picked up nonverbally.

Good for you.

 

[CallaLily]

Sometimes you're going to get good advice on a marriage forum and sometimes not so good advice, Its what you do with the advice you are given. Some advice people should try to apply to their marriage, and sometimes there is advice people should just ignore. Its up to you what you feel you should apply and ignore.

 

[DayDream]

What kind of marriage forum would tell a woman to play coy/withhold sex? And why would your wife do that if there is nothing wrong in your marriage in the first place? :scratchhead:

 

[2ntnuf]

Seems to me like you guys talked about it and got a whole lot out in the open.. Good job.

I think you are doing quite well.

 

[Trickster]

I think it may be hard to know the good advise from the bad.

It's great you were able to communicate and don't react in a crazy way that I would have done.

Awesome

 

[Jamison]

I think its good you all talked it out and got things worked out. However, her clamming up when you touched her and then you doing the same thing and not wanting to be touched when you were trying to figure out what she had been reading, sounds a bit immature and like more work needs to be done.

 

[CandieGirl]

Your bewilderment is understandable...and probably matches the bewilderment of all the wives whose husbands come here and get told to run the MAP and read MMSL. One of those WTF moments.

 

[jaquen]

What kind of marriage forum would tell a woman to play coy/withhold sex? And why would your wife do that if there is nothing wrong in your marriage in the first place? :scratchhead:

Probably for the same reasons that, during my first couple months on TAM, I began to question some things about our marriage. When you're use to living in a marital vacuum, and then you step out and see that all these people have marriages that are so very different than yours, you begin to compare, ask questions, and even adopt behaviors.

Now that I think of it, she had a similar reaction (without the massive dose of indignation) a few months ago when I started asking her questions about our marriage that I never did. She half-jokingly said "You're going to let that board ruin our marriage!".

Change is a natural part of life. We try to embrace those changes in our marriage to keep it flexible, malleable. She read some admittedly bad advice (which I have seen given to women), tried something new. She was not trying to "withhold sex", she was trying to be coy and teasing, and it didn't translate. I was the one who overreacted, thanks partly to some paranoia due to some of the stories I read here.

 

[A Bit Much]

At least you two talked it through and have come back to completely understanding where the other was coming from. Intimacy hasn't been lost, it has actually increased. Good for you guys!

 

[Almostrecovered]

I thought this was going to be a post about the post pictures of yourself thread

 

[jaquen]

I think its good you all talked it out and got things worked out. However, her clamming up when you touched her and then you doing the same thing and not wanting to be touched when you were trying to figure out what she had been reading, sounds a bit immature and like more work needs to be done.

It's how we've always been. It's who we are. We are extremely emotionally sensitive to one another. But we know this about one another, we've accepted it, and we know how to address it, or just let it pass in due time.

And it always passes.

And, if it's not clear, she didn't clam up at my touch. That was part of her attempt to play "coy". It's me who has the major problem shutting down when I sense danger. She tends to become very emotional, and a bit distant.

Your bewilderment is understandable...and probably matches the bewilderment of all the wives whose husbands come here and get told to run the MAP and read MMSL. One of those WTF moments.

:rofl:

A total WTF moment.

I thought this was going to be a post about the post pictures of yourself thread

I am slain.

 

[CandieGirl]

Friggen AR...what an ar$e! LMAO!

 

[CH]

I thought this was going to be a post about the post pictures of yourself thread

LOL, took me about 10 seconds and 1 post later before it dawned on me and boy did I crack up. Yea, I'm a little slow.

 

[ShawnD]

I think advice on marriage forums can be hit or miss sometimes. My H made a comment at first about getting advice from here until he started reading too. There are some things, especially the alpha threads, that I wondered if he'd try which I'm not sure how I'd feel if he did.

Did he take a dump on your bed? That's how cats show dominance. The submissive ones bury theirs, but the alpha will leave it out in the open just to make a point.

The best marriage advice is no advice at all. How many social problems are caused by people acting retarded simply because they were told to act that way? Better not sleep with someone; it's best to play games! Act like you're not interested then send angry facebook messages to the woman he dates after she shows interest!
If people got their heads out of their butts, society would run a lot smoother.

 

[larry.gray]

I thought this was going to be a post about the post pictures of yourself thread

You taunted us with threats of leaving us.... but now we know that you're back in your full glory!