[ruga2402]

Looking for some advice here. First off this is very hard for me to do, I have great difficulty asking for help but not sure what my next course of action should be. I'm sure it should be individual counseling, again the trouble asking for help thig bites me in the a**. Ok, for anyone willing... This started in AUG 11 when I was MEDEVAC'ed from Afganistan. My wife (30) and I (34) have always endured a better than average sexual life. We have two girls (6, 2) and plan on another. We were drinking and had a wrong number phone call and became talkative with this person. My wife under my playful direction became flirty and eventually a pic of her breasts were sent with my knowledge. It was just a fun wild moment right? We never heard from this person again. Then about two weeks later she mentioned how much fun that was and asked about us doing something like it again. I said ok and we got online and tried Yahoo chat and some one mentioned that she should go on Sexchat.com. We did and had some fun and then it became a little uncomfortable for me and I told my wife that we should stop. She asked why but stopped all the same. Now fast forward three months...Her 18y/o brother was fatally shot and killed by accident by a close friend and we have just returned from the funeral. She has started heavilly drinking and has begun to "black out". She has become so pre-occupied with music and her phone that I write it off to grief. Well about a week after the funeral I am coming to bed and grab her phone to bring it up when it beeps in my hand and I look at it. It is a very suggestive text from some guy I have never heard of and I am floored. So I stop and go outside for three hours and comb through the phone. Only to find pictures, voice recordings, texts, emails, everything except any videos. Of not only them but my very naked beautiful wife of nine years. So I confront her but of course she is passed out drunk (I knew the timing was bad but didn't care), her response are lies that I made it up and then she starts hitting me. Never hit her back but wow did I see red. There was a total of about 12 guys then. I contacted everyone and threatened them and for those that I could find that had girls, I told them about it as well. She promised after the whole they are just friends stuff that she would stop. Then a month later it happened again, then two months lated again. Then four months later again. Never to the same guy twice after I caught her. The most recent being a month ago being a actual old school friend of hers. She has stopped with the violence only after she was arrested and was made to go to a Domestic Violence class. But, I am not sure after the solid year of lies that I can ever trust her the way I should as my wife and the mother of my children. I have exposed her to her family, I have threatened leaving her. I can't because I would have to leave the military and I have only five years til I retire. I have suggested repeatedily that she recieves counseling for drinking and that we both go to Marriage Counseling. But she refuses to belive that either are needed. One other thing that is relevant, she was witness to her mother being forceably raped by her father and was then raped herself at 4 years of age. What do I do??? I love her to death and want her better. Please any advice.

 

[SadandAngry]

Well, counselling is probably in order for both of you. Cut out the drinking too. You're both having trouble coping, choosing destructive ways to do so. You stretched the boundaries of your relationship. You got uncomfortable, but she got a thrill, and she wants more. She's effectively an addict now, to the attention and the thrill. She will probably need an intervention, and I very much doubt you can do that alone. Reach out to family for help, all of it. Find out what resources are available from the army for assistance.

 

[ruga2402]

I know that the drinking has to stop. I stopped as soon as I noticed how much she was putting back. That was six months ago. Since then I have gone to ALANON to learn how to deal with her as well as private counseling. No matter how much I try I have not been able to get her to so much as admit that she has a problem. I know she needs help. That is the majority of the reason I have kept at this. She has since become a bit of a recluse and has abandoned most of her friends. I worry that at any time she will befriend someone else on-line and my trust will go back to zero yet again. Since there is also the whole military angle I can't just leave her, there isn't enough of a support system to help me with the kids.

 

[Shaggy]

She is on a bad path of destruction. If she hasn't yet, it. Is very likely she is also going to be crossing lines in person and cheating soon. Be carefully watching for her going there.

May a new phone without Internet access ?

I strongy suggest a voice activated recorder where she has been making these calls.

Unless she gets some serious counselling help ASAP, things are only going to get worse.

 

[ruga2402]

That is my problem or worry. She says that war has changed me. I have been over there five times and this was probably the easiest trip yet. However, she also says that I don't give her the attention she needs, but that is hard to do when she has her phone in front of her all day. Usually its just listening to music, but there is a lot of FB time there to. I shouldn't have to compete for her time and then be told I am not there enough. Hell, we probably even have sex 10-12 times a week. I don't know how to fix it with out her getting help. She says she is hyper sexual right now and so I keep up with her physically. There is just that newness she gets from a stranger that I have to contend with. Then every time I start to trust her she drunkly talks dirty to someone else and usually doesn't remember it the next day.

 

[ruga2402]

Furthermore,
What does it take to get through to someone whe behaves this way. Do I really need to tke her kids away to get the point across. Her family turned their heads about the online sexual activities like it was nothing to worry about. Then they just tell me not her that she should stop drinking. I just want to slap them all until they are rational again. How do you treat a person in denial, or who doesn't even remember telling someone that they can't wait to **** them.

 

[SadandAngry]

Well, that's the ****tiest part. You can't get through to someone who doesn't want to listen. You need to take care of yourself and the kids. She might be the type of person who needs to hit rock bottom before anything will sink in. Maybe you can't get through to her. Maybe she is gone already. That's something you need to be prepared to deal with. You can't control her, you can only control you, do focus on you and the kids for now.

 

[ruga2402]

That has been exactly what I have been doing. Sacrificing work just to come home in the mornings when I know that she has been drinking to make sure they have eaten, dressed and ready for school. Only to what point. Risk my 16 year career in the Army? I wish I could have her thrown in a treatment facility for 30 days, but it has to be voluntary. I am so torn because I know she needs help and there just seems to be no one other than me trying to get it for her.

 

[JCD]

It's very simple. I can outline a number of things to do, but it will probably not do what you want to happen.

First off, do you want a retirement or do you want a wife? At this point, both are not an option unless she changes. Go into the Secret Military Files for Mind Control experiments if you want both. Don't have access? What can I tell you?

You can maybe slow her down a little, but it's unlikely to make things better.

First, change accounts so she doesn't have free access to money. She'll buy booze.

Get rid of the booze in the house.

Take her cell phone, download her songs and drop it in a sink full of water and break the sim card. Get her a little basic tracphone.

Sell or break your home computer. Take the laptop to work with you EVERY DAY.

Destroy her copies of the credit cards. Monitor her money usage.

But you know what? Even if you do all this, if you don't sell her car, she can still drive to the local bar and give sloppy BJs for drinks...which is what an addict would do next.

So...do you want your career or do you want your wife? Cause it sounds like you need to babysit her.

Personally, I'd round up family members to take over child care duties and leave her to her crapulence.

 

[ruga2402]

JCD,
I get you on all accounts. The issue for me isn't retirement or her. Its retirement and my kids. Obviously my kids are first. But if I up and leave her I am out of a job as a single father in the Infantry. I would have to start over and lose a pay check for me and the kids. Its more about timeing right now. Four more years and I retire with a 4 thousand dollar a month check. I need time to set up a support system for my kids before I deploy again. Do I right now want to leave them with her...NO There are no family members on my side, and hers are so lost in grief over her brother I wouldn't trust them not to give my kids right back to her while I was in Afganistan. Its just timeing and hope right now. I have complete control of the money. She has friends whom deliver. The internet crap not as big of a deal now other that a hurt if it were to happen. I have exposed her to evryone I can. But her friends of course side with her, so not much I can do there. Plus she has severe social anxiety so her giving BJ's for beer is slim but always possible. I do however appreciate the advice. mI will definately inquire about the "Secret Files for Mind Control" lol Again thanks

 

[JCD]

If she hasn't been an awful mother, let her keep the kids and have her family watch her like a hawk. There is only so much you can do.

 

[ruga2402]

See thats just it. When she is sober and not off in her grief stricken personal world she is a good mother and wife. Its just when she gets depressed and drunk that everything and everyone gets put on a back burner so she can "cope". Depending on which agency I talk to I get answers from "stick it out and help her throught this crisis", "divorce and leave her", to "get her help". I would love nothing other than for her to get both grief counseling and addiction counseling, but neither one applies if she isn't up for it. If I had a better support system I would let her learn a lesson and and leave with the kids, but because of the Army I can't kick her out of the house. The house is actually for her, I mean even when she was arrested for hitting me (three different times), I was the one who had to leave for three days. I can't physically take off, if I did I would be AWOL. I don't have a lot of lessons to teach her outside of divorce, but that sure would make reconciliation a hell of a lot harder. And thats not what I want...yet.

 

[Emerald]

That is my problem or worry. She says that war has changed me. I have been over there five times and this was probably the easiest trip yet. However, she also says that I don't give her the attention she needs, but that is hard to do when she has her phone in front of her all day. Usually its just listening to music, but there is a lot of FB time there to. I shouldn't have to compete for her time and then be told I am not there enough. Hell, we probably even have sex 10-12 times a week. I don't know how to fix it with out her getting help. She says she is hyper sexual right now and so I keep up with her physically. There is just that newness she gets from a stranger that I have to contend with. Then every time I start to trust her she drunkly talks dirty to someone else and usually doesn't remember it the next day.

Hypersexuality could be a symptom of bipolar disorder.

If she is indeed mentally ill, you cannot fix it & without treatment, she could get worse, even psychotic.

It is your duty & responsibility to protect your children if the mother is ill.

 

[Acabado]

Sounds untreated bipolar. She's self medicating with booze, cheap trills... It will scalate becuase you are now his parent/jailer. She rebels. She will push boundaries and blame you.
So self destructive.

 

[CleanJerkSnatch]

Limit every possible occasion for wayward activity. Do not store any alcohol in the house. Do not let her have a smart phone. Smart phones are not for dumb people (no offense to your wife, she destroyed that privilege), do not show false compassion. Show real compassion, tough love, you have to work hard, you have to stay alert, you have to verify where she is, what she is doing, saying, who she is talking to, if you love your wife and are willing to fight for your marriage start now.

It sounds as if your wife had quasi physical affairs with these pics/voice recordings etc. This toxic behavior spiraled out of control when you carelessly allowed your wife to send a pic like that, of course you are not to blame for her decisions afterwards but you are an accomplice on the first MISHAP that you condoned.

Do not condone any further inappropriate chat with any other parties even if it involves you. Change the subject if you have too, if you are around family / friends. Do not meet with family or friends at bars, or allow her to drink.

There have been WS who even cheat on their spouses in their house after drinking, you suddenly see two of them disappear and find them banging away. No alcohol, no contact because you never know if she'll dial or sext (yes I said sext) someone up even if it is both of you alone at home drinking.