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So wife of 19+ years today tells me that she is not attracted to me, that she is not attracted to anyone at all but especially me. She is my best friend and the love of my life. Sex has been sporadic like rain in a desert all these years. Occasional rain storms but mainly long droughts. Now this. I am beyond crushed. What should I do? This has been a problem since before marriage but I have always told myself maybe tomorrow she will love me and want me. Now I know it will never happen. And with three kids, if I choose to leave I will not even be able to afford a cardboard box under the off ramp along the highway?

Do I stay in a marriage with a woman who claims she loves me but has no desire to ever again have sex... Or do I step in front of the next city bus?
 

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So wife of 19+ years today tells me that she is not attracted to me, that she is not attracted to anyone at all but especially me. She is my best friend and the love of my life. Sex has been sporadic like rain in a desert all these years. Occasional rain storms but mainly long droughts. Now this. I am beyond crushed. What should I do? This has been a problem since before marriage but I have always told myself maybe tomorrow she will love me and want me. Now I know it will never happen. And with three kids, if I choose to leave I will not even be able to afford a cardboard box under the off ramp along the highway?

Do I stay in a marriage with a woman who claims she loves me but has no desire to ever again have sex... Or do I step in front of the next city bus?
I would think that if I heard that I would be irate no matter how much I loved her - after stringing you along like that. I'd be out the sore faster than you could blink!
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You need to find a way to reawaken her sexual nature. You won't do that by talking to her. You need to put some sexual energy back into the air in your relationship. You can do this by becoming more masculine: be more assertive, be firm in making decisions, work on your body, set some goals and work to achieving them, become less dependent on how she feels. Start to create some powerful masculine emotions around yourself and you could well see the feminine sexual side coming out in her too. Try it!
 

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Crushed,

I'll be the bad guy here (even though I don't think this is the case here)

Is there anyway she could be involved with someone else? Have you done any snooping to verify? At the least, get her cell phone records and see if there are a lot of texts and calls to one or two numbers you don't recognize just to be sure

However, the idea that you married her knowing she had a low drive is all on you

Sorry but I think I'd rather be with someone who loved me in the cardboard box
 

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She has the same financial motive to remain in the marriage as you do. No judge would award her the same level of support she currently gets (assuming you're working). She can perform basic math functions. I expect the trouble you have is that she believes her bread is certain regardless of her performance. She treats you like crap because she can without suffering any adverse consequences. Without telling her "why" and without complaining about anything, I would make myself as scarce as possible. I'd find something interesting to do somewhere there was an abundance of available, attractive, realistically possible, mate replacements. I'd continue supporting the wife, but only to a level slightly higher than that which would shock a judge. If she has a brain, she will put two and two together and arrive at the conclusion that if she wants to keep you (and your bread) she'll get back in the game or lose you to the competition. I probably wouldn't actually have an affair but my wife would get the message that attractive options were available to me and she didn't have a divine right to me as her husband.
 

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OP,
I'm trying to determine if this is just a libido issue or if there are more problems in the marriage. You say she is your best friend and the love of your life. Are you her best friend and the love of her life? You say that you were waiting and hoping for her to love and want you. While those two things should go together, in her mind, she may love you but simply have no desire for sex. Do you feel that she is unhappy in the marriage? Has she complained or spoken to you about anything else that might be bothering her about the marriage?
What she said would be a horrible blow to take and I'm sure that you feel crushed. But don't give up yet. What kind of communication have you had with your wife about the lack of sex? Or have you just silently accepted it over the course of your marriage?
 

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Before you declare divorce to be unaffordable you need real facts. The web can give you a good idea of how child support and alimony tends to work in your location. A lawyer will usually give you a free 10 or 15 minute consult where you can ask some basic questions and get expert advice on what you are facing if you do divorce.

Your happiness and self respect are worth more than a little money.

Yes I think you should try to improve your marriage or at least to understand how things got like this. How did you select this person? Why have you let things get like this? Are there changes you can make for your own betterment now? Is there a way to enlist your wife in a good faith effort to resolve your marriage problems?

So I wouldn't jump right to D based on your first post. But I think you need real info before you exclude any options.
 
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