[Bananapeel]

FIP - how secure is he in the relationship? If he's very secure it won't be as big a deal if he's insecure. In my limited experience if a woman is feeling the way you are it's partly because you want time for yourself (reasonable request) and partly because you are missing some of the initial excitement that the relationship originally had (reasonable feeling). Maybe approach it by saying that you love spending time with him but you feel like you're transitioning into an old married couple's routine. Tell him that you'd like him to take control and shake things up a bit and he can do that by planning an exciting date for you in a week or two. Then tell him you're going to hold off on seeing him to build the excitement (i.e. you want him to miss you and think about you). If that works, you can discuss how you'd like to do it again because you feel it's a better balance for both of you in how you allocate your time.

These discussions are always hard, and depending on his personality type he might take it very differently based on how the conversation goes. I believe you have to be direct and honest about your wants/needs but it can maybe be done more delicately. I was dating a woman for a while recently and ended things with her because she was getting too needy and didn't respond to my requests for some space. I'd hate to see that happen to you, so it's great you're recognizing it and planning to fixing it.

Have you read Mating in Captivity? If not, I'd recommend you take a look.

 

[ne9907]

So, I need to have a talk with Real Estate, and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm afraid he will take it wrong, but the only way I will know is if I have this conversation.

I need some space.

Not like in a bad way, "I'm not sure if this is what I want and I might break up with you" space. In an, "I love spending time with you, but I'm spending so much time with you that I never see my friends anymore and I don't have time to do my laundry and focus on things that are important to me, and I need a little more balance in my life" space. We spend every weekend together, regardless of whether or not we have actual specific plans... and an entire weekend is a LOT of hours to take out of my schedule. I work full-time, plus my commute, Mon-Fri. If I spend all weekend at his place, that only leaves me with Mon-Thurs evenings (3-4 hrs per night max) to do everything else that I need/want to do, like laundry, groceries, meal prepping, seeing my friends. I've had to resort to, "Hey, friend, I would love to hang out with you, but only if you come over and we drink wine while I do my laundry and clean my room." And all this time spent at his place on the weekends... if we don't have anything specific planned, we just hang out and watch TV/movies, which really isn't quality time.

I don't think he realizes just how much time that is for me to take out of my schedule. He has mastered the Tim Ferris 4-hour work week or whatever. Literally, he works at MOST 2-3 hrs a day... from home. So he doesn't have to deal with a commute, or even showering, if he doesn't want to. He can work in his pajamas, if he wants to. It isn't like he's hurting for extra time the way that I am, so I think it just hasn't occurred to him.

So I'm going to have to say that I can only spend one weekend day... or I'm only coming over if we have definite plans to do something. Something like that. I have plans and goals that I want to work on, like writing my novel (finally), among other things. He is very supportive of these, but I need TIME to accomplish them... and he's being a huge time suck right now, and the time we're spending together isn't always quality time, and if it's not quality time, it's not a good use of my time.

Definitely difficult conversation! Even for a well balanced, secured person... I feel real state still carries a lot of his past with him and this might be difficult for him to process...
However, you are a smart cookie and if anyone can have a rational conversation, it is you.
Good luck babes!~

(all of TAM is cheering for your relationship!)


I have been super busy............ I haven't trained for a very important physical test I am having on the 12th of next month. I have been lazy. I am not stressing out like I normally do... which also worries me but not to the extend of getting panicky. I am nonchalant.... even thought this test is HUGE for my career!

my friend and I are still doing it... he normally never comes to bed with me ( I go to bed early, and yes he has some issues) he comes to bed at dawn and then we have sex for hours!
I hear you FiP! I need my space... which I get when he goes away. I cant believe I am complaining about the lack of sleep because of awesome sex...

 

[3Xnocharm]

FIP why doesn't he stay at YOUR place? You guys could alternate weekends so that you aren't the only one spending time away from home. Only seems fair.

 

[FeministInPink]

FIP - how secure is he in the relationship? If he's very secure it won't be as big a deal if he's insecure. In my limited experience if a woman is feeling the way you are it's partly because you want time for yourself (reasonable request) and partly because you are missing some of the initial excitement that the relationship originally had (reasonable feeling). Maybe approach it by saying that you love spending time with him but you feel like you're transitioning into an old married couple's routine. Tell him that you'd like him to take control and shake things up a bit and he can do that by planning an exciting date for you in a week or two. Then tell him you're going to hold off on seeing him to build the excitement (i.e. you want him to miss you and think about you). If that works, you can discuss how you'd like to do it again because you feel it's a better balance for both of you in how you allocate your time.

These discussions are always hard, and depending on his personality type he might take it very differently based on how the conversation goes. I believe you have to be direct and honest about your wants/needs but it can maybe be done more delicately. I was dating a woman for a while recently and ended things with her because she was getting too needy and didn't respond to my requests for some space. I'd hate to see that happen to you, so it's great you're recognizing it and planning to fixing it.

Have you read Mating in Captivity? If not, I'd recommend you take a look.

I think he's pretty secure. Maybe too secure, if I'm honest. And we are transitioning into an "old married couple" routine... which I know that he likes, but me? Not so much. It kills the romance in a relationship. It's a challenge, since he can be a real homebody. Me not being around for an entire weekend and me taking some time for myself will give him plenty of time to miss me, I think. Right now, he's always happy to see me when I come over, but I'm not sure that he misses me in-between. Thinks of me? Certainly. Misses me? Perhaps not.

If I said I'm not going to see him until the date (in a week or two), that would make ME pretty unhappy. I do love getting to fall asleep and wake up with him... I look forward to that every week. I just need back some of the hours in-between, and make sure the time we spend together is quality time.

Given his personality, I think he will be glad that I brought it up. He wants us to be completely honest and open with one another, and he has made it clear that me communicating an "unpopular" thought will not change the way he feels about me. But it's still a hard conversation for ME to have. I don't want to hurt his feelings, or think this means the way I feel about HIM has changed. I just feel like I'm getting a little sucked in and losing sight of what makes me ME, and losing the unique part of me that I think drew him to me in the first place. I think he will understand. It may take some time to process, but I think he will get it.

 

[FeministInPink]

FIP why doesn't he stay at YOUR place? You guys could alternate weekends so that you aren't the only one spending time away from home. Only seems fair.

We stay at his place because 1) he lives alone, whereas I have 2 roommates, thin walls, very little privacy, and only one bathroom in the house; and 2) he has a dog, who is welcome in my home for visits of a few hours, but my roommies have made clear is not welcome for periods of time longer or overnights.

We are both much happier staying at his place. If I had my own place, it would be different--we would probably split the time. Once the weather gets warmer, we'll likely spend a little more time at my place because I have a backyard (he currently has a backyard and firepit, and we spend a lot of time outside when it is warm, but he anticipates having to move sometime in the next 6 months, if the property sells).

 

[anewstart60]

So, I need to have a talk with Real Estate, and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm afraid he will take it wrong, but the only way I will know is if I have this conversation.

I need some space.

Not like in a bad way, "I'm not sure if this is what I want and I might break up with you" space. In an, "I love spending time with you, but I'm spending so much time with you that I never see my friends anymore and I don't have time to do my laundry and focus on things that are important to me, and I need a little more balance in my life" space. We spend every weekend together, regardless of whether or not we have actual specific plans... and an entire weekend is a LOT of hours to take out of my schedule. I work full-time, plus my commute, Mon-Fri. If I spend all weekend at his place, that only leaves me with Mon-Thurs evenings (3-4 hrs per night max) to do everything else that I need/want to do, like laundry, groceries, meal prepping, seeing my friends. I've had to resort to, "Hey, friend, I would love to hang out with you, but only if you come over and we drink wine while I do my laundry and clean my room." And all this time spent at his place on the weekends... if we don't have anything specific planned, we just hang out and watch TV/movies, which really isn't quality time.

I don't think he realizes just how much time that is for me to take out of my schedule. He has mastered the Tim Ferris 4-hour work week or whatever. Literally, he works at MOST 2-3 hrs a day... from home. So he doesn't have to deal with a commute, or even showering, if he doesn't want to. He can work in his pajamas, if he wants to. It isn't like he's hurting for extra time the way that I am, so I think it just hasn't occurred to him.

So I'm going to have to say that I can only spend one weekend day... or I'm only coming over if we have definite plans to do something. Something like that. I have plans and goals that I want to work on, like writing my novel (finally), among other things. He is very supportive of these, but I need TIME to accomplish them... and he's being a huge time suck right now, and the time we're spending together isn't always quality time, and if it's not quality time, it's not a good use of my time.

I get exactly what you mean. I have been seeing a great lady for the last 10 months and we usually spend Saturday till Sunday afternoon together. Other than that we talk daily. We both have grown kids at home while they attend university and we both realize we need to spend as much time with them as we can till they leave home. Luckily we have discussed this a few times and it is not an issue for either of us, we will let things evolve and spend more time together as things go on.
I do enjoy the time I get at home alone when my son is at his mothers too and I'm nowhere near ready to give that independance up just yet. But we both enjoy our independance so it works well for us.

 

[FeministInPink]

I get exactly what you mean. I have been seeing a great lady for the last 10 months and we usually spend Saturday till Sunday afternoon together. Other than that we talk daily. We both have grown kids at home while they attend university and we both realize we need to spend as much time with them as we can till they leave home. Luckily we have discussed this a few times and it is not an issue for either of us, we will let things evolve and spend more time together as things go on.
I do enjoy the time I get at home alone when my son is at his mothers too and I'm nowhere near ready to give that independance up just yet. But we both enjoy our independance so it works well for us.

You need time for your kids. I need time for my creative pursuits. It's a big part of what makes me ME. (Some people would call them hobbies, which I think belittles these pursuits, but...) These pursuits require a decent amount of solitary time, which I am ok with, because I am an introvert. I like having an excuse to stay home! But seriously, they do require a significant amount of alone time... but I also need to prioritize managing my life. I have a job, I need to eat (grocery shopping and food prep), I need to do laundry and conduct basic self-care (I need to look professional at work), and other life-maintenance stuff. I need to prioritize and do that before I can do the creative pursuits... and right now, all my free time is going towards 1) the life maintenance stuff and 2) Real Estate. There's nothing left for ME.

 

[anewstart60]

You need time for your kids. I need time for my creative pursuits. It's a big part of what makes me ME. (Some people would call them hobbies, which I think belittles these pursuits, but...) These pursuits require a decent amount of solitary time, which I am ok with, because I am an introvert. I like having an excuse to stay home! But seriously, they do require a significant amount of alone time... but I also need to prioritize managing my life. I have a job, I need to eat (grocery shopping and food prep), I need to do laundry and conduct basic self-care (I need to look professional at work), and other life-maintenance stuff. I need to prioritize and do that before I can do the creative pursuits... and right now, all my free time is going towards 1) the life maintenance stuff and 2) Real Estate. There's nothing left for ME.

After a couple years alone (with my son) getting to know myself I feel I am not even close to letting that freedom go. It's nice to be able to work on my photography or watch a movie, go for a walk by myself or just hang out with myself.
With my girlfriend I feel like I have the best of both worlds. I have time at my place with and without my son and I have the time her and I have together. Luckily she feels the same way so far. I told her if it became stressful being with her in any way I would walk away, she gets it and so far no stress.

 

[GuyInColorado]

Took the plunge, bought a ring. I'll pop the question sometime next month (not V-Day), probably on our 1 year anniversary. We'll be engaged for a year before getting married, hopefully move in together 6 months after engagement.

JamesAllen FTW!! I spent months looking for the perfect diamond and finally found a nice 1.5ct GIA round VS2/I with a perfect cut for $8100. Out the door with a nice pave setting for $8700. A less quality diamond at local stores was selling for $12-15k for diamond only. I still think $8100 is a ton of money for a stone but it's going to look great on her finger. I can't wait for her to be officially mine. She's going to be blown away with how beautiful this thing will be. I can't wait to see it in person, a week away.

Will look like this:

 

[ne9907]

This page is glitch!!! Cant see any new posts... even though I saw them this morning....

 

[FeministInPink]

So... it actually ended up being a pretty easy conversation! He said that he absolutely understood, and that I should never feel bad for leaving to just take care of me stuff. He loves having me around, but he doesn't want to keep me from doing what I need to do to live my life. He said he was surprised that I've spent the entire weekend--especially with the two three-day weekends we just had--but he figured if I had stuff I needed to do, that I would leave. We've agreed that, unless we make explicit plans otherwise, I'll leave by 2 pm or so on Sunday, or if we want to do something on Sunday, I'll take Saturday afternoon for myself. And if I need more than that, I'll take it.

He is so understanding, and kind, and exceptional... where did he come from? How did his crazy XW give this guy up??? He's just... amazing.

 

[TooNice]

So... it actually ended up being a pretty easy conversation! He said that he absolutely understood, and that I should never feel bad for leaving to just take care of me stuff. He loves having me around, but he doesn't want to keep me from doing what I need to do to live my life. He said he was surprised that I've spent the entire weekend--especially with the two three-day weekends we just had--but he figured if I had stuff I needed to do, that I would leave. We've agreed that, unless we make explicit plans otherwise, I'll leave by 2 pm or so on Sunday, or if we want to do something on Sunday, I'll take Saturday afternoon for myself. And if I need more than that, I'll take it.

He is so understanding, and kind, and exceptional... where did he come from? How did his crazy XW give this guy up??? He's just... amazing.

FIP, this is just awesome. I am so happy for you.

 

[FeministInPink]

SINGLES OF TAM!!!

It was suggested that we start a new thread to continue our discussion, as these longer threads keep getting glitches, and no longer post in this thread. I'm creating a new thread and will post a link to it shortly. Please post new replies to the new thread, instead of to this thread.

Thanks!

ETA 2:13 pm: Here is our new thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/365514-singles-tam-2-0-a.html

 

[EleGirl]

I'm closing this thread because it's gotten way too long. A new Singles thread has been opened. So, please of there to post. Here's a link to the new thread:


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/365514-singles-tam-2-0-a.html#post17263370