[kingsfan]

Hi everyone.

I guess I'll add my name to the list of singles on TAM. Been around here for several years though not as much the past year or so. Me and the now ex split a week ago tonight. Was my choice. It was hard, and I'm a bit bummed right now but still think it was for the best. Long story short, she and my oldest son weren't even close to seeing eye to eye and it wasn't getting better or going to get better (despite her claims otherwise IMO). That was the biggest reason for the split. Our sex life had also been on the skids for some time, which is originally what brought me to TAM years ago.

I just want to say TAM has been a great source of help and comfort in the sense I get the feeling I'm not alone in going through all of this, so thanks to some of the posters who are still around that have been positive advisors and those that have helpfully kicked my in the ass over the years. You're all good people.

 

[kingsfan]

I'm going to second the above because kingsfan said it better than I ever could! Been lurking more than posting as of late and enjoying reading all the singles of tam adventures. Y'all wild!

Life post-d (shoot, over two years now, how time flies!) has been great. Except for the fact I've realized I am still stuck in single mode with a lot of "trigger issues." I actually like being single, but I hate the fact someone can say something on a date and it puts me on edge. Or is that natural?

For example, went out with a friend of a friend. Nice guy, fun time. He told me a story about how his mother (allegedly) took his father on a ride via alimony, then later asked if I collect alimony from my ex. I was so shocked I sputtered out a "no" and tried to change the subject. Is it normal to ask questions like that? Lately felt like people ask me really personal questions on dates. Maybe I'm just fussy. All systems red alert!!

Anyone enjoying being single more than being coupled up? Like I said, it's been over two years now and I still can't get excited about being in a relationship. #divorcedproblems

Thanks BNW.

Though I'm not even back into the dating scene, I'd assume asking anyone financial questions on (what I assume is) the first date is a no no. Asking financial questions about a divorce is even more so. Finances to me are private, you need to have a certain level of relationship to start digging into money on the first date.

First date money discussion should start and end with 'Are we going Dutch?'

 

[kingsfan]

I'll be there too. And it won't take a year to get there either.

 

[kingsfan]

Was reading the online dating thread. Interesting read.

I'm nowhere near ready to get back into the dating scene but I figure if I do it will be via online dating at first. Seems like an easy way to meet people without any commitment if things go to fast. I imagine it's hard to know when you are actually ready to date and I could see myself thinking I am, start talking to a lady and suddenly going through the rolodex of emotions and questions that will likely flood into my head. Seems like it would be easier to pull back if need be on someone you have never actually taken on a date yet, or even met.

 

[kingsfan]

I've never had someone stand me up; the problem is they do show up and say crazy $hit like the following:

"I'm in recovery from being in a cult."

"I really miss my neighbor. I use to have threesomes with her and her husband."

"You have pets? I'm allergic to pets. Would you ever give them away?"

"Damn girl, those tight pants you're wearing had me rock hard all through dinner."

"My usual type is someone younger." (Said by a guy ten years older than me.)

Actual quotes from first dates I've been on. ::facepalm::

Anddddd now I'm fine with going without a date for a while again. Maybe I'll just bookmark that post for whenever I feel week and want to open up a POF account.

 

[kingsfan]

Rd

I wonder what you have just said might describe the single dad neighbor who seems to have his eyes on me , eye lock n compliments n comforting me during my divorce . he asked me out but I couldn't during the divorce .


Then when I asked him out after my divorce , he said sure and did not ask me out . ?

I guess he may have someone already but it was just 4 months back when his eyes were on me .

I wonder now if he could be anything like you . he seems to be the silent thinker type , quiet , awkward when talking to me , yet sometimes turning on the heat on me telling me i look great .

Puzzling

So he asked you out, you said no, then you mention to him you're interested and then wait back for him to ask you again?

Some guys -myself included- would certainly look at that as once bitten, twice shy. It's embarrassing sometimes to get turned down, doubly so to get turned down twice by the same woman and I'd imagine it'd only be ramped up if that women lives right next door.

Maybe he's thinking you were just flirting or seeking attention and not serious. After all, you said yourself it's only been four months since his eyes were on you. Well maybe in his head he's thinking it's only been four months since you told him no.

Maybe it's your turn to ask. Ask him if that date is still on the table and if offer a time/day to go for a coffee or whatever.

Rd

Then I have no choice . he's not mine .

I can't go out with him during my nasty divorce . I could end up being accused of adultery n lose custody of my children . I can't live with that .

Where do you live? Should your ex have to prove you did something during the marriage, not after the split? Dating after separation isn't automatically considered adultery, especially if we are talking several months after separation, which I gather is the reality of your situation.

 

[kingsfan]

He asked twice . I didnt say no . I didnt say yes . I just said " oh , how do you play that game " and " can you play that game well ? " n his invite was re directed .

He looked puzzled after that .

Later , i didnt just show my interest n wait for him to ask . I was fair n i asked him for coffee . Of which he said " sure when i am back in town" but he didnt ask when he's back . So i take that as not keen . He travels a lot .

I am sure he knows i was not flirting . I was in pretty bad shape , depressed n crying a lot . I cried to him for 2 hours once , the very first time he asked me out upon knowing abt my divorce . After that i decided not to do thst anymore .

Should i ask again ?? ( horrified look on face ) ???

Yes it is several months after separation but i was afraid i am accused of adultery n lose custody . Divorce was nasty . Not sure about legalities . Anyhow i was depressed n sad n angry n bitter then , not the best time to be anyone's gf n grumble n complain the whole time . It probably wont last even if it had started , i figure his ears will be burnt out .

He asked twice, was turned away twice and then you asked him for coffee. Are you sure he didn't just take that as being friendzoned? I assume you didn't ask him while in a teddy or something, so maybe he's just assuming you aren't to interested romantically.

Go ask, or move on to the next guy, but it seems obvious he isn't going to put his neck out again until you do.

 

[kingsfan]

It is a possibility that he thought that he is friend zoned . maybe that is why he is acting all cool and slightly cold towards me .

I had thought that he had a gf and I had thought to myself that "hey cmon even if you have a gf , there's no need to be that cool and cold . i am just a friend ."

Now , the ask . I did text for coffee to catch up in a very friend sort of way . Not sexy or in my teddy .:surprise:

What do I do now ?

text again ? Call ?

What do I say ?

Do you still want that coffee ? or tea ? or me ?

or can i buy you the coffee to thank you for the advice and encouragement this past months ?

Sigh .

It is easier to be 18 or 28 .

When did you text?

Go over the next time you see him next door and ask him to go for a coffee at a specific time (next Saturday at 3 for example). Don't be vague, be a tad aggressive. If he doesn't seem interested then he's not. It's also possible he has found someone else by now.

hey TAMers ,

A question . I just asked a gf of mine , one pretty close , to help order a coffee machine $250 online as they don't accept AMEX and I didnt have visa . Was going to apply one in my own name after the divorce but had not got down to that as I was busy .

My gf didnt want to do it for me . I told her it is ok but inside me , I felt offended . Firstly , when her husband died from cancer , I helped her do a job and I waived my fee of $900 and I absorb the cost . I bought her health products from her to support her business and was thinking of getting her water machine that would cost me $5K . She wont helped me with $250 online purchase and I said I will drive over and pay her cash on Monday .

Is it reasonable or is it time I drop her off as a friend ?

rather sad actually .

i guess you are refering to me , tripad

she gave no reason . just cant do it for me .

i didnt ask further and i see no need to .

N in case you wonder , I dont owe her any money .

Did she actually say she can't do it, or doesn't want to do it?

I wonder if you are reading to much into things. If she said she can't, maybe she literally can't. Maybe she's maxed out her card.

 

[kingsfan]

She said she cant but she meant she has a card but she doesnt .

She didnt max out . She is not making much , I know , but she is sufficient and prudent and does have enough .

She said she can't but I know that....

She didn't max it out. She is not making much but I think that...

You're implying facts to someone else's finances. You have no idea what goes on in someone else's financial situation unless you have access to her bank account, which I'd assume you don't.

 

[kingsfan]

Then stick to what you know.

 

[kingsfan]

To me sounds like you are looking for more advice/support. That's not what you are after. How about:

I'm still up for that coffee if you are. You have time on Saturday afternoon? Would be nice to see you.

 

[kingsfan]

What if he has found someone already ?

Shall i include if you have a gf bring her along ?
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I see things worked out for you with the text, but for future references, hell no to the above.

You were texting him because you were interested in him. Stick to that, don't ask him to bring along his GF if he had one. I can't fathom how awkward that coffee date would have been for everyone.

 

[kingsfan]

Btw, did you respond to his text? If not, text him back and tell him that you'll leave with him to suggest a time/date because of his schedule. Make it clear the ball is in in his court now.

 

[kingsfan]

There were a couple of text back and forth , "how have you been ", "i am doing great .... ", "good to hear ......".

Then I mentioned my free days and he mentioned that works for him as well after his last destination he should be free . I just ended with "let's meet when you are back ".

I guess that means the ball is in court ?

I would have explicitly stated that you expect him to let you know when is good. Put the complete onus to make the next contact on him.

 

[kingsfan]

The flow of conversation had stopped and I would seem too desperate to text that back now .

Again, stop reading so much into things.

Simply text him back and say "Since your schedule is busier than mine let me know when you're free and we'll find a time that works. Have a good night."

In no way is that desperate.

 

[kingsfan]

I had said good night , last night . It is mid noon here now .:frown2:

We need a facepalm icon...

Then say 'have a good day' at the end.

 

[kingsfan]

Ok, so this is long. Background, met her on match last april, pretty hot and heavy through mid july, she pulled back, then saw each other pretty sporadically since then and not at all since about thanksgiving. We have kids in the same school so do see each other through that, and I was w/ my son at Barnes and Noble saturday and she was having a meeting in the starbucks there and came over to chat for a minute. Sure enough she texts me saturday night. was kind of beating around the bush so i just said, do you want to come over?

Below is an email i sent to a friend and if anyone wants to comment or give insight-- or just ignore, thats fine too.

Other issue is I met another girl i am interested in but have only had a chance to hang out 3 times, all short and nothing physical other than kissing, and the new one seems to like me but seems to be very cautious about it. Didnt hear from her all weekend. She now waits for me to contact/text first.

Saturday night w/ FWB:


she came over, we kissed quickly right when she got here and then we talked for about 90 minutes or so. then we had sex. which was awesome. RIGHT AFTER she was still on top of me (tmi) and she said, come see Hillary with me tomorrow. I was like, wha...? took me five minutes to figure out she was talking about Hilary Clinton.

Then we finished the wine and opened another bottle and talked some more. told her i am working out at the work gym. she basically begged me to come with her to planet fitness ( i think). she went on and on about how she really needs someone to work out with and how great it is....etc, etc.

Now this is weird because now she is asking me to spend time with her (other than just a booty call) and it has been probably 6-7 months since she has done that. So i am kinda wondering what is going on but dont question her on it.

So then we have sex again. afterwards she started asking me about my trip last year to florida. where i went, what time of year. i said yeah i went to florida in may and you took me to the airport. Finally she got around to this-- will you go there with me in march? she went on and on about how i would be a fun person to go with because we would both be happy just relaxing and reading on the beach (she reads a ton) and wouldnt HAVE to be constantly entertaining each other and blah blah blah. it was really nice to hear but so out of the blue.

I just looked at her and was like, so whats been going on? shes like, yeah, i know im being dumb for saying it. i said, no it is not dumb, you and i WOULD have fun together but i havent seen you in i dont know how long and then this? i was really nice about it, just questioning out of curiosity.

She said, well, i have been dating but there just isnt anyone whose conversation i like as much as ours. (she was having a hard time putting this into words at this point). She said she dated some guy for 7 weeks. Said she thought he was cool and fun at first but after 7-8 dates she said she told him it wasnt going anywhere and ended it, and he 'turned into a crazy person'. He quit his job and said he was going to move to arizona. 'imagine the worst', said he wont stop contacting her and now she is nervous that he knows where she lives. said 'i could show you the texts'--totally should have taken her up on that.

Then, we went inside. it was like 2 am. we cuddled on the couch for awhile and then D7 woke up and was upset that i was not in my bedroom so not long after i told her i had to go lie down with D7. she asked if it was ok if she stayed on the couch for a bit and i said sure. she didnt have any pants on from about 10 pm. she called me at 830am and said she JUST left my house and the only reason she woke up was because D7 was up here yelling at S4 to stay our of her room. she is up at 515am most days so could not believe she woke up at 830 in bright daylight on my couch with no pants on. (or panties btw).


so that happened.

Anyone that has nothing to do with you for months and then in one night:

-comes to your place
- has sex with you (twice)
-invites you to go to Florida with her
-invites you to join her gym
- mentions she has a stalker

well, she likely wants something pretty bad.

I wonder if she wants a boyfriend just to be able to scare off this stalker, or maybe views you are some protection? You did mention going to the gym, are you well built?

Lots of red flags to me, no matter how good the night was.

And wtf are you thinking allowing a woman -naked or not- spend the night on your couch knowing your kids will be up at some weird hour and potentially find her? Your kids shouldn't be waking up to some random woman in their house.

I got on ******* last Friday, yesterday I had a strange experience. This post is rather long as I will type most messages.
I was painting yesterday afternoon and receive a message from a man whose profile read he is from Chicago Illinois, I am on the west coast. This man is my type.

He started with "hello pretty! How are you doing. Ill really like to know more about you if you don't mind.
I responded with Thank you, what brings your virtual persona to the California Coast.

him: Well, it is all about trust, patience and understanding. So what do you seek here.

me: Well, Mr. trust, patience, and understanding, stop looking at my profile because you seem like a person who would love to cat fish me. Have a wonderful life.
I said that because he is obviously in Chicago Ill, I do not how this man was able to connect to the CA coast... I thought OKC was a geographically based dating site.

him: What do you mean?
Me: This is something my ex husband would do.
Him: Well, you shouldn't use your past to curse your present. People are different anyway. Also life goes on. (this brought my defenses down)
Me: What do you seek here.
Him: I seek a serious relationship. I guess you too right?
Me: Yes, that is what I am seeking. You never answered my question, why are you looking at the California Coast if you are from Chicago.
Him: Well, Ive been to California before also you seem really fascinating and from your picture it shows there is something really special about you and I intend to find out.
Me: Find away then. What part of California?
Him: You should really give me a chance, Los Angeles. How far is that from your place.
Me: I did say find away. I am actually 6 hours N of LA (not true), what do you do?
Him: Right now. I got a little business I am handling and you are really special now it is difficult. Then I would have to multitask haha. I talked about patience. Besides, I'd be there seeking my princess Cinderealla. Trust me. So who do you live with.

At this point, I am intrigued but I also think he is my ex husband trying to be mean and stuff, but I play along, in the meantime. I am researching his username in FB and stuff.

me: I am not a princes. I live with my dog. Are you military?
him: Haha, you are a princess to whoever knows your worth. You are very beautiful dear. Nope, not military why do you ask?

me: Thank you, your second photo appears to show camo pants.

him: haha, nope. I have friends in the military. I have lots to say when I meet the woman of my own. I am a man of good faith and I belive that is whats gonna help me. I would really love to get closer to you.

me: Very well, I require that you prove you are real.

him: seriously? Lets be realistic I should be asking you instead. You are too beautiful on this site. Seems really fishy. What about the guys around you. I wonder what such beautiful lady wants on a dating site.

me: I am here because I am moody as hell and very demanding. Why do you need a dating site? You are good looking as well.

At this point, I had found a FB profile which was similar to his username and very look alike photos. I checked all the photos and bingo!! Found the two photos he used on OKC. Not only that, but I also found out that he is married, in the Army, is an E4, and has at least two beautiful children. His wife is also very beautiful.

me: Oh, guess what I found?? You.
me: FYI 1) If you are trying to be a fvck boy, don't pick an username so close to your real name.
2) Do not be married.
3) Have more rank than a lowly E4 specialist.
4) Change your FB settings so it would be a challenge to find you.

I wonder what your wife will say if I send her the conversation we just had, in which her husband is trying to be a fvck boy and failing miserably??

He never replied after that.

Now, the reasons why I feel that was a fake profile my ex husband was using to cat fish me are:

1. Location Chicago.
2. He is sooo my type (ex knows my type)
3. He was overly charming, unreal.
4. Wanting to find out where I live and who I live with.
5. The Cinderella reference, my ex is one of only two people (well now you too) who knows I identified with Cinderella while growing up.

Maybe I am over thinking, Just be careful out there singles. This one is definitely another crazy OLD story

Only thing wrong is giving him pointers on how not to get caught next time. You should totally message the wife. Expose!!!

 

[kingsfan]

RD, if she shows more potential than any woman you've dated since the divorce, WTF are you doing?!? WHY are you so determined NOT to date her? YOU LIKE HER.

I really don't understand why you think this whole thing has been such a disaster. And why you think that cutting yourself off from any possibility of finding another female partner, ever, is such a great idea.

Has it ever occurred to you that she is not young and naive? That maybe she has a clear idea of what she wants? You've been wrong about her before. You thought she was a bimbo, and she turned out to be very intelligent. Maybe she LIKES that you have a kid. Maybe that's a selling point for her. What else about her says to you that she's naive? Yes, she wants a relationship, and she wants to wait for a relationship before she has sex. That doesn't make her naive. It means she knows what she wants. And if you're so convinced that celibacy is the way to go, then maybe you're better off not betting to fvck her right away. Did THAT ever occur to you?

You know what I think? I think you're scared. I think you're fvcking terrified, because this woman might actually be right for you, and that you might actually fall in love with someone again, that you might actually have to open up and connect emotionally with another person, that you might have to actually be vulnerable with someone again, all of that scares the living sh!t out of you, and you would rather run away from it than take that risk. You would rather "drop a bomb" on her and try to scare her away, than risk trying for something real. You would rather end it and return to your safe life of celibacy, than taking a chance on finding love again.

RD, this makes me so sad for you. There's so much life that you're not allowing yourself to live. Why do you do that to yourself? You're not washed up and you're not done at 30.

Truth. I don't really see what the issue is here with her RD. You say she comes across as a bit immature sounding, but besides that she's been great.

If you 'aren't ready' then tell her that and offer to take it slow. She seems to want that anyway. Tell her you are slowly getting back into dating and you're not sure you are ready yet, but you want to find out and you really like her.

 

[kingsfan]

Hi

I am getting this sinking feeling that Mr Neighbour wasn't just busy but pushing me off courteously by quoting busy travel schedules and not interested to meet me anymore . He is probably too courteous to tell me in my face that he is not interested anymore or he has another new love .

:frown2:

You messaged him on Monday. It's been like three days, if that. At least give it a weekend before you say he's blowing you off.

You seem like you overthink things. Whatever amount of time you think he should text/call/set a date/whatever, in the future double it.

Yeah well, I'm still annoyed that this happening to me... been telling myself I'm happy being celibate for a year, and I was through blissful ignorance. Looks like I have to start re-adjusting to having a woman in my life.

There's alot more to her than what I first thought, and the more time I spend with her the more surprises I find, even when I try to push her away or give her reason to ****** off we end up closer. I can't say I see her the same way as I did when I first saw her, it's strange when things just work out naturally. Last time something like this happen was so many years ago when I first met ex-wife.

It's almost too good to be true, and I struggle to believe how I hit the jackpot on the first woman I date after a year of celibacy. Probability is not in favor of us ending up good, in other words my luck just isnt usually like this. So yeah, I'm still guarded... just, curious now, more than ever, to see where this leads.

Nothing is happening to you that you aren't allowing to happen to you.

 

[kingsfan]

Yeah I worry about my soon to be ex. Kinda feel sorry for her. She had it pretty good...

Mid 40s, her student loans are in default, incurring $13k a year in fees and interest, no retirement, and she makes less than $13k a year from her bartending job.

I dodged a bullet, that feels good, but her future is only going to get more and more grim.

"Giggity Giggity!"

My recently made ex is feeling it too. She makes about $18,000 a year and rent is at least $650 a month, so nearly half her pay will be going to just getting a place. Likely a stark contrast for her considering when we were together my income accounted for about 80% of household income.

We are still talking right now, trying to keep it amicable, but she's having a heck of a time wrapping her head around how she's going to make things work. Thing is she's accredited to work as a health care aide, something that would boost her pay by at least $8,000 to $10,000 a year but has thus far refused to do that. Was one of the silent killers of the relationship. Now she may be forced to do it.

Better start collect a series of pics now if you want to post your pic

N teeth good for kissing my dear . bad teeth means bad breath .

Yes , man , please , better hygience where you want the ladies to put their mouth . please .
Posted via Mobile Device

What about missing teeth, lol