[Bananapeel]

Not talking about touching her ass or boobs. I'm talking touching her hand while making a point or touching her back while guiding her into a room. Nothing big. Subtle touches. Something go break the Ice.

I have done this before with success and there was that time where the woman I was with gave me a speech. Yikes!

The touching and guiding her into a room is considered an "alpha" trait that is supposed to show confidence and leadership, and that works well for some people and not others. I don't know her or you, so I don't know how well it would work in your situation.

My personal recommendation to start with physical contact is when you see her give her a hug hello. It's a non-threatening way to greet an old friend and her body language will give you an initial idea of where she stands with physical contact. There is nothing wrong with going out the first time as friends only and then calling her up after and confidently saying you enjoyed yourself and would like to go out on a date with her. If she says yes then you know she's at least someone interested and that would be a reasonable time to try to escalate into the other touches you mentioned. Good luck.

 

[Bananapeel]

MRR, my belief about relationships (including friendships) is that I don't put more effort/time/energy in than the other person. This keeps it balanced. Right now you two don't have a real relationship established so her not placing you as a high priority in her life is expected, and last minute change in plans shouldn't really surprise you. Instead it should just tell you where you fit in her life at the moment and then you can choose to either accept the status as it stands or end it. If you accept it then it is possible that things will change in the future. But personally, I believe that someone that doesn't respect my time isn't worthy of it either and I'll cut off contact with them.

Now in general if you want to minimize the risk of them cancelling at the last minute you need to set definitive plans for a date. Saying we'll touch base and see where you are at 2 PM isn't a date and it leaves it as a casual meeting, if you both are free. I'm a very direct person and find it much easier to call up and say "I'd like to take you on a date Saturday night at 6 PM. Do you like sushi?" and then there is no question that you are both looking to make concrete plans. Remember, it's OK to take a girl on a date(s) and then decide what type of relationship you may/may not want, so there is no need to mask it as a friendly meetup.

 

[Bananapeel]

What I am wondering is -- in the past I have felt a bit taken for granted and acted like I didn't care, which I didn't if it was once or even twice, but when it got to the point where I felt like not a priority, I still didn't say anything, thus (I think) allowing it to happen.

How do you ADDRESS this with the person? I think in this case I made it clear by texting her back and the message was definitely that I did not appreciate being treated that way, but is there a better way to go about it?

When you start to make plans for a date project that you are the one who has less availability (even if you have to pretend). So instead of asking when she is free and setting plans around her schedule, nix the first few things she suggests because you have other stuff already happening. This communicates that you are busy and have a life, so your time is valuable. But personally, I hate playing games like this because if a woman is really interested she'll make herself available. My personal dating strategy (although I'm not currently interested in dating anyone) has always been to be an awesome guy that women want to be with, which really limits the chance of a woman not taking my time seriously.

 

[Bananapeel]

Do I just ignore it (b/c I have so much other great stuff going on that it is no big deal) and risk her (or potential partners in general) thinking I am ok with it?

Or do I say something and if so what? (I am definitely leaning towards saying something from now on-- just not sure the best way to go about it).

First you have to decide whether you have any interest in seeing her again because that will influence how you handle it. She's obviously not invested in you at this point. The way I'd handle it is just go dark and stop contact. This puts the ball in her court to pursue you if she is interested. If she does contact you and she wants to go out, instead of talking about why she cancelled before use the line "I'm game for a redo date but this time you get to take me out" and have her pay for you. This way you don't seem needy by confronting her and she doesn't get off for ditching you. Plus if you are good at flirting you can use this for gentle teasing (examples: have you reserved the helicopter yet for our date; I love it when a girl pays because it is going to be expensive; hope you're working overtime to pay for me; etc.). Alternatively, if she doesn't contact you then you didn't waste any more of your time on her.

 

[Bananapeel]

Ok... so, new date, went rather bad. Not happy with the difference between photo and real life.

If this happens again tell her that she doesn't look like her pictures and then get up and leave. It's not worth wasting your time on someone that starts off with dishonesty, and it's fine to have standards that doesn't tolerate that crap.

 

[Bananapeel]

What kind of boundaries do you have with your exes?

My D will be finalized next month. Been dating a woman for 4 months now. Yesterday, STBX called crying because she couldn't get her iPhone to restore and she had a dead cell phone until then. I'm a computer guy, so I remoted into her computer and helped.

The girlfriend said after the D is finalized, she doesn't want me doing anything like this. She doesn't want to get hurt. I had to put myeslf in her shoes to understand what she's feeling. I imagined her talking with an ex boyfriend and helping him with a cooking/recipe question. That definitely bothered me. I told her that I'll keep interaction with her only on co-parenting issues after we are officially split.

Are her concerns valid? At first, it kind of pissed me off. Thought she was being controlling and crazy. But I think I now understand her concerns. I view my STBX like a sister. No desire for intimacy, wish the best for her in life.

Your interactions with your STBXW will naturally drop off dramatically with time as you each continue to establish your own separate life and routine, so she should naturally stop asking you for things. However, if you can easily fix her phone it seems reasonable because a working cell phone is important if she needs to get in touch with you about the kids, when she isn't home.

To me it sounds like your new woman is just insecure. If you can discuss and remedy the insecurities in your relationship then these little issues shouldn't bother her too much. Have you thought about just sitting her down and reassuring her that she is the #1 woman in your life and helping with the phone won't change that?

 

[Bananapeel]

DISAGREE. She is right, not insecure. She is looking to protect the relationship, as should Guy. The ex wife needs to look elsewhere for assistance unless it has to do with their kids. Now if they are both unattached, they can have whatever kind of friendship they wish, but once significant others are in the picture, then boundaries need to be put in place and enforced. Respect the relationships, always.

I guess we'll have to disagree on this one. But from an objective point of view she has been involved in a short term relationship with a married man. There are bound to be insecurity issues with that situation that she is going to want validated. I also tend to post replies based on what is best for my personality type, of course recognizing that everyone is different so there isn't a "right" or "wrong" way to deal with situations. My personality type is to not give up control to an insecure partner, but instead address the root cause of their insecurities as a way of validating and directly working on the underlying problem. Putting up relationship boundaries is fine with some people, but doesn't get to the core issues with other people. I don't know Guy well enough to have an idea of what works best for him.

 

[Bananapeel]

Well I dunno, I seem to have a much more amicable relationship with my ex than most others, like, we still help each other out from time to time but it's give and take.

Good for you. I'm also amicable and my ex cheated. We don't go out of our way to help each other, but we'll still go to parent teacher conferences and other kid events in the same vehicle. We also talk (kid related stuff) several times a week and are willing to adjust our child care schedules if it helps the other one out.

I think a lot of this falls back on what type of relationship you had when you were married. If it was a low conflict marriage where both people got along well then it is likely that the post-marriage relationship will also be more amicable. If it was a high conflict marriage it is much more likely that the post-marriage relationship will also be high conflict.

 

[Bananapeel]

RD, I love reading your posts but you're a bit of a drama queen. Date to have fun and if you do that then you win. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to follow an impossible life plan that requires things you have no control of. I mean this with the utmost of respect, but if you were my little brother I'd kick you in the sack and tell you to stop whining, live your life the way it unfolds naturally, and enjoy the journey.

 

[Bananapeel]

You say I need to fix myself, so tell me what I need to fix. What is it that you identify is my issue? My language during my vents? I remain in control but I will let it out.

Dude, it's your attitude. You project neediness, insecurity, depression, being controlling, and having impossible expectations when want to project being happy, fun/easy going, and centered. If you were to approach life thinking about all the good it's given you and use that to develop a positive attitude, women would be far more likely to be drawn to you. Happy people don't need to vent about life not giving them everything they want, instead they find joy in what they have, and that inevitably breeds more success.

One quick example for you:
Unhealthy attitude - I want a woman so I can live a complete, fulfilling, happy life.
Healthy attitude - I am living a complete, fulfilling, happy life and would enjoy having a similar someone share it with me.

See how these project different things despite the overall goal being similar? There are a lot of non-verbals that go with a healthy attitude that will radiate off you and make you more attractive to a potential partner.

 

[Bananapeel]

Well, I don't think that anyone is going to run you out of town for that, but you need to understand that the mindset for someone dating after divorce is going to be very different from that of someone who has never been married. We tend to have a LOT more baggage.

For example, I'm giving Real Estate a LOT more leeway because of the circumstances of his divorce. If he had never been divorced--or if it had happened differently (in other words. If he was carrying a different set of luggage)--I would be telling him, "Dude, it's time to sh*t or get off the pot."

Take that into consideration before you respond to any of our posts, and when you read OUR responses to your posts.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

I think this is a common perception but I wonder if baggage is just normal life experience. I've wondered if I'd be in the same place or different place if I was never married but still the same age and had other non-marriage relationships during that time. It seems that when every relationship ends you learn something about yourself and adjust your life a little bit.

I do appreciate women like you that are willing to give some leeway. I've been casually dating someone who wants us to meet each other's kids and I keep telling her no. I wonder how long her patience will last until I get the ultimatum? I'm guessing that there is a direct link between the level of commitment/security a woman feels and the amount of patience she has. Less commitment = less security about relationship = less likely to have an ultimatum??

 

[Bananapeel]

How did he fail? He might not be in an exclusive or committed relationship with this woman even though they are dating.

 

[Bananapeel]

I've never paid for sex but I think half the appeal of a $6000 sexual experience is the implied exclusivity and break from the norm. It's like when people get an extra thrill from sex in public, a three way, bondage, or whatever their kink is. It's all the same act, just one seems more exciting for whatever reason and therefore holds more value to that person. I don't think that there is really a difference between normal women and a prostitute in what they are offering (from a business perspective it is the same product with different marketing strategies). In general if a woman really likes you and you turn her on, then most will act like porn stars in the bedroom without you having to pay a dime. At least for me it is that way. YMMV.

 

[Bananapeel]

RD - Surprisingly, they are readily available if you know how to screen for them. The secret is know what you are looking for and don't spend your time chasing women that don't look like they will meet your relationship needs. Also, be confident enough to be direct and tell them what you want or don't want, and appreciate if they reciprocate even if they tell you things you didn't want to hear. If you do that you cut through a lot of B.S. and can hone in on those that are a good match and will happily give you the romance, conversation, affection, and sex you are looking for.

Now, onto Miss Independent...

Since the infatuation wore off now is exactly the right time to be in contact with her. The reason is you have a lot more control of yourself and won't come off as needy, and if you project that attitude you can get in the situation where she chases you instead of the other way around.

Oh, I'm going to give you an example on how I screen women to make sure I get one that meets my needs. Saturday afternoon I'm going on a date with a woman I've been casually seeing for a few weeks and we are going hiking then will head back at her place to get cleaned up. When we get there I'm going to walk into her closet (making sure she sees me do it) and pick out a sexy teddy for her to wear that night and I'm going to hand it to her and ask her to put it on when she's done showering. If she complies then I know I'm going to have porn star sex and if she doesn't then I know she isn't a good match for me sexually. I've never done this before with her but the way she reacts, either getting turned on or offended/pissed off, will say a lot about our compatibility.

 

[Bananapeel]

FIP - Here's my male's perspective. If you are really interested in him then just let him lead the relationship at the rate he's fine with and see where it goes. It's pretty natural to have some reservations about relationships and commitment issues after any divorce so his feelings are normal. Also, his ability to move forward in a relationship or emotionally with you is not a linear process. Think of it like the stages of grief where you jump around from one to the other, then back again, then move forward, then back, etc. I'm sure this sucks from your perspective, but it's a tough process for him too. I'd recommend just talking with him and saying that you enjoy spending time with him and you're happy with whatever level of relationship he is, and if he wants to change it at any time (moving forward or backward) to just discuss it with you so that you are both on the same page. Try not to stress too much about it. If it was meant to be, then you'll know it.

 

[Bananapeel]

Hey everyone.

There is an old farming expression about not buying the cow when you can get the milk for free...

I have always thought this was a strange analogy in regard to dating/sex. If you've ever been in a milking parlor you'd see that cows enjoy being milked! Heck, they know their place in line and wait patiently for their turn, so I guess it's not too far off from the dating world. :grin2:

 

[Bananapeel]

Calling out all the angels... jk

However, I do have a question. I have not exactly encountered this before.

So since Sunday and yesterday, the hot guy was not receptive. His texting seemed cold. So I did not follow up at all.
This morning, he is back to normal? What gives? I never did have the conversation with him regarding "moving too fast"

So question is: Why do some men act detached, then back to normal?

This it totally normal behavior for some men including myself. I know that I'm not always in the mood to talk, socialize, or respond to texts (especially with women that aren't at girlfriend status yet), and women could easily overanalyze that as being about them when it just isn't. Two days ago I got a text from a woman that I totally ignored simply because I was pissed off that my kids came to me overtired (yet again) and super grumpy. The XWW can't seem to understand that kids need bedtimes to function properly, and after dealing with that situation I'm not very chatty with anyone. Fortunately, the woman that texted me understood. But if she didn't, then no biggie.

 

[Bananapeel]

Then why not just respond and say, "I'm not in the best mood right now, so let's catch up later"? This is what causes women to overanalyze and it makes us crazy. If you're not in the mood to talk, just tell us, because otherwise we're going to think it's something much, much worse. Like you're busy fvcking another woman.

See what I did there?

Communication is key, people.

Thanks FIP - That's an excellent suggestion and one I'd do for a girlfriend. But if she's not at girlfriend status then does it matter what else I'm doing with my time and should I have to explain it to her? If one of my buddies texts me and I don't respond, he'll just figure I'm busy and it's not a big deal. I've also always figured that the early part of dating is when you set up the relationship rules and boundaries. If I have a very busy life and don't want to be at someone's beck and call then early on I establish that I don't work that way by not being readily available. Hmmm, maybe this is something I need to improve on and can handle better.

 

[Bananapeel]

@ne9907 you should call the police and get some general information since the laws in each state are different. Depending on what criminal history he has, he might not pass a background check already. I'm fully supportive of people's rights to legally own firearms but if there is a legitimate reason like mental illness, drug use, history of violence, etc. that they shouldn't have them then you have an absolute obligation to do something.

 

[Bananapeel]

FIP - I love hearing your perspective, although it is about polar opposite of mine.

I always treat women with respect by being honest about my intentions, so they know what my level of commitment is. I don't try hard to impress women when I date them. I'm just myself and they can like me or not. If they like me and want to spend time with me in the way I'm comfortable with then great, but if not then we aren't a good match and I'll just move to the next one. It's not playing games, just a different way of approaching new relationships than what you subscribe to.

While handling communication my way might be a strike against me, it is true to my personality and I'm secure with that. I don't have a background in psychology but if you subscribe to Esther Perel's (author of mating in captivity) line of thinking, not having a high level of commitment will actually attract women rather than drive them off. It really doesn't make sense to me.