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Discussion Starter #1
Just curious, how many men or women use the silent treatment on their spouse instead of talking through issues? I am starting to believe that a person cannot really love another when they let it go on for so long.

Here is my current situation as an example... I have been completely ignored now for 22 days. Ignored = not a hello, not even a glance in my direction in the house, going to a room and locking himself in for any time he is in the house with me. All of this stemming from an accusation of me cheating on my H after spending the day with my family and spending the night there, and he knew exactly where I was and I even called him to tell him. I was interrogated as soon as I came home and he even implied that my family was helping me keep this "affair" from him. Trust me, there is no other man nor has there ever been, nor is there any interest... why would i want to deal with another man when i have to deal with this BS? I feel as if he is fabricating an issue to cause us to split up so he can put all the blame on me so he will not have to take any responsibility for any of this.

I will admit, I am guilty of getting upset at the accusation and giving a bit of the silent treatment myself for a couple of days while waiting for an apology or at the very least some rational civility to talk it out. the apology was never given (surprise), same as any other time he was wrong and knew it.

he makes every disagreement into a contest, he never loses either. funny enough, i found a book that he was reading titled "How to win every argument". i found that to be very telling, more so than i thought i knew about him. i feel like i am in a no-win situation because he isn't interested in talking things out, just trying to control the situation by ignoring me, as if to say I am not worth the effort.
 

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What is his basis for making that accusation? Was this out of the blue or was there a series of events that lead up to this? My wife is good for the silent treatment, but not for that long.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
My mother, sister and I spent the day together (which is very rare since we don't all live that close together). we traveled to a small town my mom used to live in when she was young to go and spend the day together, hiking, looking at the leaves turning, taking photos, etc. & having a dinner there. He knew where I was going several days beforehand and I even reminded him the day before. Long story short, the day was longer than we thought it would be and instead of driving to my house after getting to my mom's i decided to spend the night because i was exhausted. I called to let him know i wouldn't be home that night and that i was spending the night there. The next morning, my sister insisted I go with her for a pedicure before she returned home, so I went. I was a couple hours later to get home the next day, but I was home by noon. That's when all these wild accusations started. I was really shocked because normally he is so rational and logical.
 

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Well, I once dated a control-freak, manipulator and he accused ME of cheating on him while he was gone on a ski trip. I figured out that HE had been the one cheating and was accusing ME so he could justify (in his own petty little mind) his cheating.

I wouldn't be SHOCKED to find out he's cheating on you!

I feel as if he is fabricating an issue to cause us to split up so he can put all the blame on me so he will not have to take any responsibility for any of this.
Who cares if that's his bottom line...take the opportunity to LEAVE THIS TOXIC RELATIONSHIP as a GIFT! So he makes you the 'bad guy'...you'll still be rid of him! So he doesn't take any responsibility for your cr*ppy marriage...you'll still be rid of him. It just seems like a win/win to me!
 

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From now on, STs is a dealbreaker for me, with mates or with women or with NSA or whatever.

It's one behaviour that I'm never ever going to encourage ever again. Had enough of it for 4 years of marriage. It's fking hideous and it drives me nuts, so forget it. Next woman who tries that -> out the fking door.
 

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... why would i want to deal with another man when i have to deal with this BS?
Why, indeed? Your husband is fabricating an affair, and there is the possibility (in my mind at least) that he is paranoid. I was married to an alcoholic who manufactured just such a scenario about me. The alcohol fueled his paranoia. Actually, he was a raging narcissist and a misogynist to boot. Needless to say, I didn't let the door hit me in the a$$ when I eventually escaped from that hell.

he makes every disagreement into a contest, he never loses either. funny enough, i found a book that he was reading titled "How to win every argument".
Yep, suffered through that as well. Control freaks and narcissists live by the credo, "MY way or the highway" when it comes to disagreements of any sort. Arguments become a matter of life-or-death to them. Whatever the cost, they are right. Or so they think ...

So how long do you intend to stay in this toxic atmosphere? I always knew a day or so beforehand when an argument or some sort of "drama" was coming, followed by the obligatory silent-ignore-me treatment. I got to the point that I made it my life's goal to get the heck outta there. I got to the point that the only thing I felt for my exH was disgust and contempt.

I learned a great deal from that chapter of my life. And I got into some very serious counseling to figure out why I stomached that type of behavior for more than five minutes.
 

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22 days of silent treatment is insane. I couldn't last a day with silent treatment against me. Ignoring is the worse form of manipulation that someone can do to another person.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
There could be a possibilty of an affair, maybe online, but he never is anywhere but work or home. Sometimes i think dealing with an affair would be easier because it would be a real issue. It is hard to compete with a persons imagination i have found. I also believe this my be a side effect of Rx pills he is taking (paxil and atavan) i posted about that earlier today. Thank you for your insight. You hit dead on with the way i am feeling about it. It is toxic

After reading your article, Kathy, it reaffirmed how i feel that this is abusive manipulation. Part of me is just hoping it is a side effect of the drugs and can be corrected. The other part of me is ready to abandon ship.
 

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I used to give DW the ST sometimes when I was much very younger. Never for very long like the OPs experience. Happily I grew out of it. I cannot remember the reasons but I doubt they were anything like justification. Thankfully she put up with it (though she did say she did not like it) and we are still happily together. I think she reckoned I would improve (must ask her sometime). She is very wise where I am concerned.
 

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I think 22 days is pretty extreme for it to be a medication side effect. Paxil is an anti-depressant and Atavan is anti-anxiety. Neither are known for bringing about the behaviors you've described.

If it was me going through this, I'd be letting him know that I would never agree to cut off half the world's population (men) plus my family and friends purely so he'd talk to me. I might even go so far as to say, "Since you're no longer talking to me, I'm going to visit my mom again this weekend. You can reach me at her number if you need me."
 

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Just curious, how many men or women use the silent treatment on their spouse instead of talking through issues? I am starting to believe that a person cannot really love another when they let it go on for so long.

Here is my current situation as an example... I have been completely ignored now for 22 days. Ignored = not a hello, not even a glance in my direction in the house, going to a room and locking himself in for any time he is in the house with me. All of this stemming from an accusation of me cheating on my H after spending the day with my family and spending the night there, and he knew exactly where I was and I even called him to tell him. I was interrogated as soon as I came home and he even implied that my family was helping me keep this "affair" from him. Trust me, there is no other man nor has there ever been, nor is there any interest... why would i want to deal with another man when i have to deal with this BS? I feel as if he is fabricating an issue to cause us to split up so he can put all the blame on me so he will not have to take any responsibility for any of this.

I will admit, I am guilty of getting upset at the accusation and giving a bit of the silent treatment myself for a couple of days while waiting for an apology or at the very least some rational civility to talk it out. the apology was never given (surprise), same as any other time he was wrong and knew it.

he makes every disagreement into a contest, he never loses either. funny enough, i found a book that he was reading titled "How to win every argument". i found that to be very telling, more so than i thought i knew about him. i feel like i am in a no-win situation because he isn't interested in talking things out, just trying to control the situation by ignoring me, as if to say I am not worth the effort.
I've done the silent treatment before for a day or two, not totally ignoring but not going out of my way to talk to him either, until he finally asks why then it all comes out. 22 days seems excessive...almost like abuse.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
today is day 25 of the ongoing silent treatment. initially i think it was immature, but now i am starting to think it is something more clinical, like paranoid personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. I have been doing a lot of research lately just trying to wrap my head around what could be wrong.

just today i discovered a book that he has downloaded, called: "Never Be Lied to Again: How to Get the Truth In 5 Minutes Or Less In Any Conversation Or Situation"

i just feel like it is a no-win situation. he believes he is right about whatever it is he thinks i am lying about, namely being unfaithful to him, which couldn't be farther from the truth. there is no way i feel like i can convince him that he needs therapy with him justifying in his mind that i am covering something up or being defensive. i am sure reading a book like that will probably give him some kind of justification for his beliefs.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
can someone develop a personality like this suddenly? has he kept it well hidden and the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds keeping him from his ability to hide it like he has done for so long? How could i not have known this about a person i have been with for almost 10 years?

i find it crazy that the drugs that are supposed to help with this kind of thing seem to be having the opposite effect and intensifying this behavior.
 

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Getting all those books and being so strict with the silent treatment seems insane... Even if someone thinks he's right, he could at least try to talk about it... Or at least confront the other person with the "truth".

I kind of give silent treatments to my husband, it's more for me to cool down too, since I can't discuss anything if I'm too hot headed in the moment. But I can never go for days with it... Not sure if I suspect cheating I could do it, but then if I suspect, I'd prefer to talk about it rather than living in doubt and away form warmth of my husband.

It is not ok, and he was just suspecting, doesn't even have proof of anything.
 

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Getting all those books and being so strict with the silent treatment seems insane... Even if someone thinks he's right, he could at least try to talk about it... Or at least confront the other person with the "truth".

I kind of give silent treatments to my husband, it's more for me to cool down too, since I can't discuss anything if I'm too hot headed in the moment. But I can never go for days with it... Not sure if I suspect cheating I could do it, but then if I suspect, I'd prefer to talk about it rather than living in doubt and away form warmth of my husband.

It is not ok, and he was just suspecting, doesn't even have proof of anything.
Same reasoning for me with the silent treatment. Usually, bringing up my grievances only makes things worse anyway and causes a big fight. So...
 

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Discussion Starter #20
i admit i have given the silent treatment in the past, but i would certainly break my silence if he would just talk to me, but usually i just realize how stupid it is after a day or two and i end up apologizing to him just to get him to come around, even if it isn't my fault, just because i was some peace in the house again. i did not do this often at all, i would much rather talk it out, but he has never been a talker and certainly not where emotions are concerned. he just shuts down and consequently i do too.

after doing all this research i realize how wrong it is to use the silent treatment at all, i will do everything i can to never go that route again and especially not apologize for something i didn't do. i think a lot of women do this, i just wasn't aware of all the underlying damage it does long after the silent treatment is over.

this is certainly more than the run-of-the-mill silent treatment. this is psychotic.
 
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