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There was a thread on the divorce reddit when I was in the middle of the process that was titled something like, "It is amazing how much sex we didn't have" that hit pretty close to home. It was written from the perspective of the (ex)husband but I think the perspective applies to each person in the relationship. I often thought of each night as a new opportunity (or one missed) while my ex thought of sex as a special occasion. There had to be a reason or justification. I'll never understand it because once one of the participants is sterilized (or if they are the same gender), the cost of having sex is $0 and it is remarkably cheap before that. You can spend as much or as little time with it as you want. It actually takes effort (or a total lack of effort and interest) to actually make the experience bad.

Having said all that, the last couple of years of my marriage I would only try to initiate something (and get rejected) a few times over the course of a week or two before giving up until I got some kind of indication from her that there was a change in her attitude. Rejection made me complicit in our near sexlessness.
 

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There was a thread on the divorce reddit when I was in the middle of the process that was titled something like, "It is amazing how much sex we didn't have" that hit pretty close to home. It was written from the perspective of the (ex)husband but I think the perspective applies to each person in the relationship. I often thought of each night as a new opportunity (or one missed) while my ex thought of sex as a special occasion. There had to be a reason or justification. I'll never understand it because once one of the participants is sterilized (or if they are the same gender), the cost of having sex is $0 and it is remarkably cheap before that. You can spend as much or as little time with it as you want. It actually takes effort (or a total lack of effort and interest) to actually make the experience bad.

Having said all that, the last couple of years of my marriage I would only try to initiate something (and get rejected) a few times over the course of a week or two before giving up until I got some kind of indication from her that there was a change in her attitude. Rejection made me complicit in our near sexlessness.
When I have talked about my situation with other people the reply, whether man or woman, will say "If a man is continually rejected he will stop." This was not the situation for me, not even dating. I was the initiator. I asked him several times why he did not come to me. I heard "I have never been the initiator in any of my relationships" "I can't tell when you are interested." I asked him way early on while first dating if he was attracted to me as he did not voice anything, didn't show interest, he was not affectionate. He said he was but he was not good at expressing himself. As I continued to get to know him and his past relationships with women he seem to have a this overwhelming (unnatural) fear of rejection. he felt women did not like him for anything but a friend. There was also this love/hate thing going on also. he said that a woman's beauty was like power and he seemed to be resentful of that rather than appreciative of her beauty. He did not have a good relationship with his mom growing up, angry at her for what he saw as control from her over him. So with my ex there was issues. As much as we talked it never made a difference. We even had counseling on this subject but it did not make a difference either.
 

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When I have talked about my situation with other people the reply, whether man or woman, will say "If a man is continually rejected he will stop." This was not the situation for me, not even dating. I was the initiator. I asked him several times why he did not come to me. I heard "I have never been the initiator in any of my relationships" "I can't tell when you are interested." I asked him way early on while first dating if he was attracted to me as he did not voice anything, didn't show interest, he was not affectionate. He said he was but he was not good at expressing himself. As I continued to get to know him and his past relationships with women he seem to have a this overwhelming (unnatural) fear of rejection. he felt women did not like him for anything but a friend. There was also this love/hate thing going on also. he said that a woman's beauty was like power and he seemed to be resentful of that rather than appreciative of her beauty. He did not have a good relationship with his mom growing up, angry at her for what he saw as control from her over him. So with my ex there was issues. As much as we talked it never made a difference. We even had counseling on this subject but it did not make a difference either.
I'm not sure what the effects of my marriage will be on my future relationships. Will years of rejection make me tentative and passive? Will it be like a dam breaking? How much of that is attributable to my relationship and how much of that is attributable to my reaction to it?

I do think the earlier in your life you have those kinds of formative experiences, like your ex's relationship with his mother, the harder it is to rationalize and overcome them. If you didn't have the tools to understand what was happening at the time, it is unlikely it was rationally stored away in your head. You can't understand the effects because at the time you didn't understand the experience and it is all feelings without thought or reason.
 

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Hiner112, I totally agree with what you said here. I think there is so much we do not understand about ourselves and then we "think" our actions are "normal" and someone else is to blame. There is reason for all things and as younger people we don't always understand this. My ex ended up with some real addiction issues and passive-aggressive behavior that I don't think he will ever be able to shake. I just saw the marriage as a complete loss and I had the choice to stay and be miserable for the sake of keeping my family together or move on and risk losing my children to find happiness. It was not easy and it took me along to process.

As far as rejection, I have found in dating now that new partners have been a relief as I don't see the behaviors I saw before in my marriage. It is nice to not have to dance the dance I did for years and I hope you will find the same thing. Rejection is not easy, trust me I get it but I hope you and whoever it is that comes into your life can talk more openly than perhaps you were able to with your ex.
 

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I would like this thread to be a resource for women who are in sexless, or near sexless marriages in which it is their husbands who don’t want sex. I’m hoping that women dealing with this issue will post and talk about what they are going through.

About 20% of marriages are sexless. A sexless marriage is defined as one in which the couple has sex 10 or fewer times a year.

We hear a lot about women withholding sex and thus making a marriage sexless, or near sexless. There is a lot of empathy/sympathy out there for men stuck in such a marriage.

What we don’t hear of much is that about half of the sexless marriages are due to the husband choosing to make the marriage sexless. We are fed the falsehood that all men want sex all the time. Well that’s just not so. Some men do not want sex all the time.

Women who are in sexless marriages due to their husband’s choice to make the marriage sexless often feel that they have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to. They are rightly concerned that they will be blamed. It’s all their fault. When a woman thinks that all men want sex all the time, in her mind she becomes the only married woman who is so undesirable that her husband will not touch her.

Women are only now starting to be open about this. Marriage counselors are finally starting to talk about how common the problem is.

If you are a woman in a sexless marriage because it’s your husband’s choice to make it sexless, you are far from alone. Many of us women out here have had the same issue. We are, or were, married to a man like your husband.

TAM is a good place to come for moral support and some good advice. But there is no way that we here on TAM can give you all the input and help you need to resolve this issue. There are some books that I think would go a long way to help you understand what is going on in your marriage and figure out ways to fix it if at all possible. Here are some good books that have helped a lot of women.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage

Sex-Starved Wives

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire by Michele Weiner Davis

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

In some sexless marriages, the issue is denying sex to control their spouse. Here are some links if you think you might be experiencing this

Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity - The Somatic Narcissist, The Asexual Cerebral Narcissist, Extramarital Affairs, and Paraphilias

Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist: Sex and the Narcissist - The Narcissistic Life

The Sex Starved Wife
=========================================
=========================================
=========================================

Below is some info from the book "Why Men Stop Having Sex".

WHAT STOPS THE PASSION? Why do men stop having sex with their wives? The reason is seldom simple and may have a physiological, psychological, or cultural foundation; recent studies add a genetic component. Often these elements combine. We looked at the statistical reasons our male survey respondents, who self-identified as choosing not to have sex with their spouses, gave us for no longer being intimate, and we studied their comments carefully. Let’s first take a look at some statistics. We asked men to rate a list of reasons on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree. The following table lists in descending order the percentage of men who agreed with each of the causes.


%% WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED

68%……She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me.
(This lack of newness, energy, and emotion translates for many men into a lack of adventure and sexual enjoyment on the part of their partners, transferring the problem and ignoring the fact that they [the men] are not bringing any originality to bed, either.)​

61%……She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex.
48%……I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife.
44%……I am angry at her.
41%……I’m bored.
40%……She is depressed.
38%……She has gained a significant amount of weight.
34%……I am depressed.
32%……I no longer find her physically attractive.
30%……I suffer from erectile dysfunction.
28%……I lost interest and I don’t know why.
25%……I prefer to masturbate, but not online.
25%……I prefer to watch pornography online and masturbate.
21%……I am on medication that lowered my libido.
20%……I am/was having an affair.
16%……I suffer from premature ejaculation.
15%……I have difficulty achieving orgasm.
14%……I am too tired.
09%……She is/was having an affair.
06%……I don’t have the time.
03%……I wasn’t interested in sex to begin with.
<1%……I am gay.

Although the men know (or at least think they know) the reasons for their voluntary celibacy but the women are only guessing, either way the situation is embarrassing and painful. It is therefore not surprising that both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves. Indeed, men indicate a lack of sexual adventure (hers, not his) as primary. It is difficult to believe that this lack of erotic excitement is completely one-sided, and that these men who identify their wives as unadventurous are themselves imaginatively passionate guys, just somehow mysteriously unable to inspire the one woman they chose to marry. Both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves. After all, they probably knew her acceptable level of tolerance for erotic exploration before the vows were exchanged. We suspect that boredom or other factors is closer to the truth, or they are confusing the pornography they see on DVDs or the Internet with reality.

Berkowitz, Bob; Yager-Berkowitz, Susan. He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It (pp. 13-15). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.

==============================================
Another thing that is becoming more and more of an issue is men who prefer to use porn to masturbate to instead of having sex with their wife (or significant other).

I've had discussions with women who say that their husband seldom has sex with them. Instead he uses port many times more in a month than he will have sex with her...if he will have sex with her at all. But she will make a strong point that her husband does not have a porn addition. I'm not sure if it matters one iota if we call it an addiction or not. He prefers to have sex with porn than with her. There is a reason and it needs to be addressed if the couple is ever going to have sex life. So label it addiction, or don't label it. It's all the same thing.

There are ways for men who use porn to the extent that it is hurting their marital sex life. There is a way to get the desire for their desire for their wife back.

This has become so common that there is now a lot of information about it available. If you search on "cure porn addiction", many sites will come up that talk about how to fix this.

Here is a site with a lot of info on this topic: Your Brain on Porn



.
Is it sad that I cannot remember the last time we had sex? He blames it on his age 56! I am going to be 40 this summer ☀ . I blame it on his depression I don't think he realizes he is depressed but well I need to figure it out. The last 3 weeks he blames it on his back that's been hurting. How do you all cope with a sexless marriage?
 

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I would like this thread to be a resource for women who are in sexless, or near sexless marriages in which it is their husbands who don’t want sex. I’m hoping that women dealing with this issue will post and talk about what they are going through.

About 20% of marriages are sexless. A sexless marriage is defined as one in which the couple has sex 10 or fewer times a year.

We hear a lot about women withholding sex and thus making a marriage sexless, or near sexless. There is a lot of empathy/sympathy out there for men stuck in such a marriage.

What we don’t hear of much is that about half of the sexless marriages are due to the husband choosing to make the marriage sexless. We are fed the falsehood that all men want sex all the time. Well that’s just not so. Some men do not want sex all the time.

Women who are in sexless marriages due to their husband’s choice to make the marriage sexless often feel that they have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to. They are rightly concerned that they will be blamed. It’s all their fault. When a woman thinks that all men want sex all the time, in her mind she becomes the only married woman who is so undesirable that her husband will not touch her.

Women are only now starting to be open about this. Marriage counselors are finally starting to talk about how common the problem is.

If you are a woman in a sexless marriage because it’s your husband’s choice to make it sexless, you are far from alone. Many of us women out here have had the same issue. We are, or were, married to a man like your husband.

TAM is a good place to come for moral support and some good advice. But there is no way that we here on TAM can give you all the input and help you need to resolve this issue. There are some books that I think would go a long way to help you understand what is going on in your marriage and figure out ways to fix it if at all possible. Here are some good books that have helped a lot of women.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage

Sex-Starved Wives

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire by Michele Weiner Davis

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

In some sexless marriages, the issue is denying sex to control their spouse. Here are some links if you think you might be experiencing this

Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity - The Somatic Narcissist, The Asexual Cerebral Narcissist, Extramarital Affairs, and Paraphilias

Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist: Sex and the Narcissist - The Narcissistic Life

The Sex Starved Wife
=========================================
=========================================
=========================================

Below is some info from the book "Why Men Stop Having Sex".

WHAT STOPS THE PASSION? Why do men stop having sex with their wives? The reason is seldom simple and may have a physiological, psychological, or cultural foundation; recent studies add a genetic component. Often these elements combine. We looked at the statistical reasons our male survey respondents, who self-identified as choosing not to have sex with their spouses, gave us for no longer being intimate, and we studied their comments carefully. Let’s first take a look at some statistics. We asked men to rate a list of reasons on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree. The following table lists in descending order the percentage of men who agreed with each of the causes.


%% WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED

68%……She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me.
(This lack of newness, energy, and emotion translates for many men into a lack of adventure and sexual enjoyment on the part of their partners, transferring the problem and ignoring the fact that they [the men] are not bringing any originality to bed, either.)​

61%……She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex.
48%……I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife.
44%……I am angry at her.
41%……I’m bored.
40%……She is depressed.
38%……She has gained a significant amount of weight.
34%……I am depressed.
32%……I no longer find her physically attractive.
30%……I suffer from erectile dysfunction.
28%……I lost interest and I don’t know why.
25%……I prefer to masturbate, but not online.
25%……I prefer to watch pornography online and masturbate.
21%……I am on medication that lowered my libido.
20%……I am/was having an affair.
16%……I suffer from premature ejaculation.
15%……I have difficulty achieving orgasm.
14%……I am too tired.
09%……She is/was having an affair.
06%……I don’t have the time.
03%……I wasn’t interested in sex to begin with.
<1%……I am gay.

Although the men know (or at least think they know) the reasons for their voluntary celibacy but the women are only guessing, either way the situation is embarrassing and painful. It is therefore not surprising that both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves. Indeed, men indicate a lack of sexual adventure (hers, not his) as primary. It is difficult to believe that this lack of erotic excitement is completely one-sided, and that these men who identify their wives as unadventurous are themselves imaginatively passionate guys, just somehow mysteriously unable to inspire the one woman they chose to marry. Both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves. After all, they probably knew her acceptable level of tolerance for erotic exploration before the vows were exchanged. We suspect that boredom or other factors is closer to the truth, or they are confusing the pornography they see on DVDs or the Internet with reality.

Berkowitz, Bob; Yager-Berkowitz, Susan. He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It (pp. 13-15). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.

==============================================
Another thing that is becoming more and more of an issue is men who prefer to use porn to masturbate to instead of having sex with their wife (or significant other).

I've had discussions with women who say that their husband seldom has sex with them. Instead he uses port many times more in a month than he will have sex with her...if he will have sex with her at all. But she will make a strong point that her husband does not have a porn addition. I'm not sure if it matters one iota if we call it an addiction or not. He prefers to have sex with porn than with her. There is a reason and it needs to be addressed if the couple is ever going to have sex life. So label it addiction, or don't label it. It's all the same thing.

There are ways for men who use porn to the extent that it is hurting their marital sex life. There is a way to get the desire for their desire for their wife back.

This has become so common that there is now a lot of information about it available. If you search on "cure porn addiction", many sites will come up that talk about how to fix this.

Here is a site with a lot of info on this topic: Your Brain on Porn
Thank you for this! In our twelve years of marriage its been sexless past 8. I struggled with self consciousness, depression, cried every night after he fell asleep because I felt so alone. I still do but Ive pretty much gave up on it.
 

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Sex is a constellation of different factors in each individual, and each couple. In my business, I believe I have heard a significant number of complaints, that harken back significantly to the list of percentages in Ele-Girl's post. Some things do jump out at me. I have heard each of those items over the years, and some could have been avoided by simple communication. One gentleman had not touched his wife in several years, and was suffering from several other complaints. Kept it to himself, said he is "stoic". Stoic can kill you. Turned out there was a condition that was playing hell with his hormones. (I have to boast, I turned this guy over to my internist, who is absolutely aces, and he turned this guy around-it amazes me what people will tell their accountant) Then there is another client, she is sixtyish, (I dare anyone to guess-I had put her at 40 max, then I opened her tax return-can't lie about your age there, it's perjury), we are talking blue jeans that appeared to be painted on a very nice tush, emigrated ten years ago from Italy (my business partner is fluent...and loud). She ditched the hubby in Palermo who had not touched her for years, came to Canada, and met what my partner refers to as the "boy toy". Yeah, if I were a woman, yup. He checks every box, bears a slight resemblance to Henry Cavill, and my assistants find reasons to check out my library at reception when he is in. He is 30ish, and no gigolo. He is a consulting engineer, big bucks, and they have a nice condo on the waterfront. They seem happy.
 

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Discussion Starter #668
Is it sad that I cannot remember the last time we had sex? He blames it on his age 56! I am going to be 40 this summer ☀ . I blame it on his depression I don't think he realizes he is depressed but well I need to figure it out. The last 3 weeks he blames it on his back that's been hurting. How do you all cope with a sexless marriage?
There could be an age component. As men age, their testosterone levels decrease. For some men that means they loose interest in sex. Maybe you could encourage him to get see his doctor and have his t-levels checked.

How do people cope with a sexless marriage? Some people just do. Others who have a healthy libido cannot cope and end up divorcing over it.

My take on it is that if your spouse will not seek the help they need to get back on track with a healthy sex life, they are basically choosing to make the marriage sexless.

I've read that it's very often a passive aggressive way to punish their spouse. He can claim that he's not doing it on purpose because of is age, his health, his back, the day of the week... whatever. Since it's not his fault, he can act like you are the bad guy for complaining about something he's helpless over.
 

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Thank you for this! In our twelve years of marriage its been sexless past 8. I struggled with self consciousness, depression, cried every night after he fell asleep because I felt so alone. I still do but Ive pretty much gave up on it.
At this point, you should probably turn your focus on yourself. What do you need so that you feel better about yourself?
 

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I would like this thread to be a resource for women who are in sexless, or near sexless marriages in which it is their husbands who don’t want sex. I’m hoping that women dealing with this issue will post and talk about what they are going through.

About 20% of marriages are sexless. A sexless marriage is defined as one in which the couple has sex 10 or fewer times a year.

We hear a lot about women withholding sex and thus making a marriage sexless, or near sexless. There is a lot of empathy/sympathy out there for men stuck in such a marriage.

What we don’t hear of much is that about half of the sexless marriages are due to the husband choosing to make the marriage sexless. We are fed the falsehood that all men want sex all the time. Well that’s just not so. Some men do not want sex all the time.

Women who are in sexless marriages due to their husband’s choice to make the marriage sexless often feel that they have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to. They are rightly concerned that they will be blamed. It’s all their fault. When a woman thinks that all men want sex all the time, in her mind she becomes the only married woman who is so undesirable that her husband will not touch her.

Women are only now starting to be open about this. Marriage counselors are finally starting to talk about how common the problem is.

If you are a woman in a sexless marriage because it’s your husband’s choice to make it sexless, you are far from alone. Many of us women out here have had the same issue. We are, or were, married to a man like your husband.

TAM is a good place to come for moral support and some good advice. But there is no way that we here on TAM can give you all the input and help you need to resolve this issue. There are some books that I think would go a long way to help you understand what is going on in your marriage and figure out ways to fix it if at all possible. Here are some good books that have helped a lot of women.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage

Sex-Starved Wives

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire by Michele Weiner Davis

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

In some sexless marriages, the issue is denying sex to control their spouse. Here are some links if you think you might be experiencing this

Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity - The Somatic Narcissist, The Asexual Cerebral Narcissist, Extramarital Affairs, and Paraphilias

Sexual Attitudes of a Narcissist: Sex and the Narcissist - The Narcissistic Life

The Sex Starved Wife
=========================================
=========================================
=========================================

Below is some info from the book "Why Men Stop Having Sex".

WHAT STOPS THE PASSION? Why do men stop having sex with their wives? The reason is seldom simple and may have a physiological, psychological, or cultural foundation; recent studies add a genetic component. Often these elements combine. We looked at the statistical reasons our male survey respondents, who self-identified as choosing not to have sex with their spouses, gave us for no longer being intimate, and we studied their comments carefully. Let’s first take a look at some statistics. We asked men to rate a list of reasons on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree. The following table lists in descending order the percentage of men who agreed with each of the causes.


%% WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED

68%……She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me.
(This lack of newness, energy, and emotion translates for many men into a lack of adventure and sexual enjoyment on the part of their partners, transferring the problem and ignoring the fact that they [the men] are not bringing any originality to bed, either.)​

61%……She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex.
48%……I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife.
44%……I am angry at her.
41%……I’m bored.
40%……She is depressed.
38%……She has gained a significant amount of weight.
34%……I am depressed.
32%……I no longer find her physically attractive.
30%……I suffer from erectile dysfunction.
28%……I lost interest and I don’t know why.
25%……I prefer to masturbate, but not online.
25%……I prefer to watch pornography online and masturbate.
21%……I am on medication that lowered my libido.
20%……I am/was having an affair.
16%……I suffer from premature ejaculation.
15%……I have difficulty achieving orgasm.
14%……I am too tired.
09%……She is/was having an affair.
06%……I don’t have the time.
03%……I wasn’t interested in sex to begin with.
<1%……I am gay.

Although the men know (or at least think they know) the reasons for their voluntary celibacy but the women are only guessing, either way the situation is embarrassing and painful. It is therefore not surprising that both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves. Indeed, men indicate a lack of sexual adventure (hers, not his) as primary. It is difficult to believe that this lack of erotic excitement is completely one-sided, and that these men who identify their wives as unadventurous are themselves imaginatively passionate guys, just somehow mysteriously unable to inspire the one woman they chose to marry. Both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves. After all, they probably knew her acceptable level of tolerance for erotic exploration before the vows were exchanged. We suspect that boredom or other factors is closer to the truth, or they are confusing the pornography they see on DVDs or the Internet with reality.

Berkowitz, Bob; Yager-Berkowitz, Susan. He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It (pp. 13-15). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.

==============================================
Another thing that is becoming more and more of an issue is men who prefer to use porn to masturbate to instead of having sex with their wife (or significant other).

I've had discussions with women who say that their husband seldom has sex with them. Instead he uses port many times more in a month than he will have sex with her...if he will have sex with her at all. But she will make a strong point that her husband does not have a porn addition. I'm not sure if it matters one iota if we call it an addiction or not. He prefers to have sex with porn than with her. There is a reason and it needs to be addressed if the couple is ever going to have sex life. So label it addiction, or don't label it. It's all the same thing.

There are ways for men who use porn to the extent that it is hurting their marital sex life. There is a way to get the desire for their desire for their wife back.

This has become so common that there is now a lot of information about it available. If you search on "cure porn addiction", many sites will come up that talk about how to fix this.

Here is a site with a lot of info on this topic: Your Brain on Porn



.
As far as I know, there isn't any porn to be concerned about. And I think I would know.
My husband just doesn't like to give the effort in the area of our bedroom. (and some other areas) If he's okay with how things are, then we are okay with how things are. Trying to discuss "my" hurts is just a frustration to him.
I have tried for 4 years now to get through to him. 4 years ago I just broke and couldn't take the loneliness anymore.
I have sent him articles, tried to communicate, I have take sex off the page and said, "Hey! I love you. I enjoy you. Lets just play a couple times a week, no expectations other than we can be close" He agrees, but then, Nothing... no change.
I am suppost to love myself. Be happy in my own skins and all of that. Well ladies and gentlemen, when your husband doesn't date you, flirt with you, tease you, stare at you across the room with a smile, pay attention to your laughs when watching a movie together, and doesn't want be intimate? Thats a bit impossible! At least where I am at emotionally.
Sorry, but its been a really bad week emotionally!
 

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Mary L, just curious how long have you been married? Were always the one to physically show more in sex than your husband? Or was there a change at some point in the marriage?

Your last paragraph resonates with me. All of what you said and then to be in some of the prettiest country such as Switzerland (we traveled) and ex was on his cell phone playing games while sitting outdoors eating and enjoying the mountain view (me). Life with him was very lonely! I referred to it as living with a wall of bricks. My life was my career, my kids, my friends and my interests. The most I could get him to do was go for an occasional walk. I was getting nothing from the marriage except a roof over my head and I was plagued with sex dreams the entire marriage.

In the very first few months we were married, we were both right at 30, I had initiated sex and he turned me down. I just felt it was out of bitterness. The next morning I asked him why he did that and he told me he wanted me to know how it felt. He was very passive-aggressive, held grudges, had a love/hate for women in general and I was to pay for all the wrong doing he felt other women had done to him. I walked away after 24 years, kids were gone and there was no way I was going to stay in that prison.
 

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As far as I know, there isn't any porn to be concerned about. And I think I would know.
My husband just doesn't like to give the effort in the area of our bedroom. (and some other areas) If he's okay with how things are, then we are okay with how things are. Trying to discuss "my" hurts is just a frustration to him.
I have tried for 4 years now to get through to him. 4 years ago I just broke and couldn't take the loneliness anymore.
I have sent him articles, tried to communicate, I have take sex off the page and said, "Hey! I love you. I enjoy you. Lets just play a couple times a week, no expectations other than we can be close" He agrees, but then, Nothing... no change.
I am suppost to love myself. Be happy in my own skins and all of that. Well ladies and gentlemen, when your husband doesn't date you, flirt with you, tease you, stare at you across the room with a smile, pay attention to your laughs when watching a movie together, and doesn't want be intimate? Thats a bit impossible! At least where I am at emotionally.
Sorry, but its been a really bad week emotionally!
If he is so determinedly ignoring your sexual needs, HOW can you feel loved by him, and how can you keep staying with him...?? Are you willing to give up on sex to be with someone who can see you hurting and not care at all about it...?
 

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Mary L, just curious how long have you been married? Were always the one to physically show more in sex than your husband? Or was there a change at some point in the marriage?

Your last paragraph resonates with me. All of what you said and then to be in some of the prettiest country such as Switzerland (we traveled) and ex was on his cell phone playing games while sitting outdoors eating and enjoying the mountain view (me). Life with him was very lonely! I referred to it as living with a wall of bricks. My life was my career, my kids, my friends and my interests. The most I could get him to do was go for an occasional walk. I was getting nothing from the marriage except a roof over my head and I was plagued with sex dreams the entire marriage.

In the very first few months we were married, we were both right at 30, I had initiated sex and he turned me down. I just felt it was out of bitterness. The next morning I asked him why he did that and he told me he wanted me to know how it felt. He was very passive-aggressive, held grudges, had a love/hate for women in general and I was to pay for all the wrong doing he felt other women had done to him. I walked away after 24 years, kids were gone and there was no way I was going to stay in that prison.
We have been married for 30 years.
When we first met, sex wasn't huge. I
Mary L, just curious how long have you been married? Were always the one to physically show more in sex than your husband? Or was there a change at some point in the marriage?

Your last paragraph resonates with me. All of what you said and then to be in some of the prettiest country such as Switzerland (we traveled) and ex was on his cell phone playing games while sitting outdoors eating and enjoying the mountain view (me). Life with him was very lonely! I referred to it as living with a wall of bricks. My life was my career, my kids, my friends and my interests. The most I could get him to do was go for an occasional walk. I was getting nothing from the marriage except a roof over my head and I was plagued with sex dreams the entire marriage.

In the very first few months we were married, we were both right at 30, I had initiated sex and he turned me down. I just felt it was out of bitterness. The next morning I asked him why he did that and he told me he wanted me to know how it felt. He was very passive-aggressive, held grudges, had a love/hate for women in general and I was to pay for all the wrong doing he felt other women had done to him. I walked away after 24 years, kids were gone and there was no way I was going to stay in that prison.
We have been married 30 years.
In the beginning I was okay with a not so active sex life. I was sexually abused and it was okay not having such high demanding husband in the bedroom area. Hell, he's never been demanding anywhere!

We both initiated. We had sex about 2-3 times week, before kids, After kids it went down quickly. Sometimes it bothered me, other times I was just too busy to care. Earlier in our marriage, I was more concerned with the lack of romance, dating, foreplay, etc. than sex. Now I want all of it! lol
I came into this relationship with a lot of issues. I know I am partially to blame here. But as I grow, he seems to not. He seems to actually get worse. Bt maybe that is because I also am seeing life differently.

He either works or pays attention to home life. Not both. Well, he has always worked, so...

We went on a 10 hr car trip last month. I drove. We barely talked, He was on FB or napping most of the trip. I finally turned music on and just tried to enjoy the road. If I would have said anything, he would have been frustrated because he wouldn't have understood. He thinks we have the BEST marriage. And we are best friends. We have a lot in common in many areas, But not when it comes to marriage. I never noticed how much so until this last year.
 

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If he is so determinedly ignoring your sexual needs, HOW can you feel loved by him, and how can you keep staying with him...?? Are you willing to give up on sex to be with someone who can see you hurting and not care at all about it...?
Well, I dont feel very loved. I know he loves me. I don't think HE knows how to show love. I'm not making excuses, I am trying to find help.
I stay with him, because I do love him. We have a great relationship in many ways, but its more like great friends.
I don't want to give up unless I see absolutely no way of healing this.
Talking with strangers about my sex life is new. I have never done this and have struggled with every word I have typed. I want a passionate sex life with the man I love. It's worth fighting for, even if I am lonely right now. I hope being apart of this community is apart of me finding answers for us. If not, I will have to face a new direction in life. Whether thats is with or without him, I cant say right now.
 

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We have been married for 30 years.
When we first met, sex wasn't huge. I

We have been married 30 years.
In the beginning I was okay with a not so active sex life. I was sexually abused and it was okay not having such high demanding husband in the bedroom area. Hell, he's never been demanding anywhere!

We both initiated. We had sex about 2-3 times week, before kids, After kids it went down quickly. Sometimes it bothered me, other times I was just too busy to care. Earlier in our marriage, I was more concerned with the lack of romance, dating, foreplay, etc. than sex. Now I want all of it! lol
I came into this relationship with a lot of issues. I know I am partially to blame here. But as I grow, he seems to not. He seems to actually get worse. Bt maybe that is because I also am seeing life differently.

He either works or pays attention to home life. Not both. Well, he has always worked, so...

We went on a 10 hr car trip last month. I drove. We barely talked, He was on FB or napping most of the trip. I finally turned music on and just tried to enjoy the road. If I would have said anything, he would have been frustrated because he wouldn't have understood. He thinks we have the BEST marriage. And we are best friends. We have a lot in common in many areas, But not when it comes to marriage. I never noticed how much so until this last year.
I feel for you! I made the same mistake as yourself. I had been cheated on so I wanted a man I felt "safe" with and it just happened to be someone that showed little desire in initiating sex. With time I too grew and for us also, he seemed to just disappear in his own world. We'd have the opportunity to be alone and he seemed content to just be in the same house, like that was enough companionship for him.
 

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I feel for you! I made the same mistake as yourself. I had been cheated on so I wanted a man I felt "safe" with and it just happened to be someone that showed little desire in initiating sex. With time I too grew and for us also, he seemed to just disappear in his own world. We'd have the opportunity to be alone and he seemed content to just be in the same house, like that was enough companionship for him.
Oh my gosh! Yes! "he seemed to just disappear in his own world" This is exactly what he does. And I really don't think its on purpose! He gets his feeling hurt easily and over whelmed easily, which he would never admit to, but he does.
Watching his family dynamics over these years, I think his dad was pretty demanding and verbally cruel, and it was his escape to melt away into a world that can be peaceful.
If work weights heavy on him, if I am telling him how the kids are doing this or that, financial issues... he gets this blank look. I will say "I lost you in your safe place, didnt I?" We have laughed about it. He isn't really aware he does it. I have tried to explain to him that he does this in other areas. Checking out isn't an option! He's better, but wow that man! I could have 10 lifetimes and still haven't totally cracked him.
 

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Oh my gosh! Yes! "he seemed to just disappear in his own world" This is exactly what he does. And I really don't think its on purpose! He gets his feeling hurt easily and over whelmed easily, which he would never admit to, but he does.
Watching his family dynamics over these years, I think his dad was pretty demanding and verbally cruel, and it was his escape to melt away into a world that can be peaceful.
If work weights heavy on him, if I am telling him how the kids are doing this or that, financial issues... he gets this blank look. I will say "I lost you in your safe place, didnt I?" We have laughed about it. He isn't really aware he does it. I have tried to explain to him that he does this in other areas. Checking out isn't an option! He's better, but wow that man! I could have 10 lifetimes and still haven't totally cracked him.
Men are very focused and if they are not interested in what they are hearing they can tune you out in a heart beat. Since my divorce and dating again it has been nice to have conversations with men who will actually say back to me what I have just stated, or they ask questions about something I have said, they engage.Your husband is not engaging, doesn't mean you have done anything wrong but I wonder, not saying it is so, if he has "checked out" in some way. It sounds like the two of you are roommates and neither one of you sound like you are fully happy with the marriage the way it is. Have you talked and expressed your desires for more intimacy and when I say that word I mean more touching, flirting, hand holding, date nights and quality time together? You want more passion but how are you going to bring it when you want to be receiving it from him? Do you think it is possible to bring this all back? Or has the marriage become more of you both mutually caring for one another kind of like our grandparents did? You know what I am saying?
 

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Men are very focused and if they are not interested in what they are hearing they can tune you out in a heart beat. Since my divorce and dating again it has been nice to have conversations with men who will actually say back to me what I have just stated, or they ask questions about something I have said, they engage.Your husband is not engaging, doesn't mean you have done anything wrong but I wonder, not saying it is so, if he has "checked out" in some way. It sounds like the two of you are roommates and neither one of you sound like you are fully happy with the marriage the way it is. Have you talked and expressed your desires for more intimacy and when I say that word I mean more touching, flirting, hand holding, date nights and quality time together? You want more passion but how are you going to bring it when you want to be receiving it from him? Do you think it is possible to bring this all back? Or has the marriage become more of you both mutually caring for one another kind of like our grandparents did? You know what I am saying?
I do know what you’re saying.
The issue is, he’s always been like this. I just use to not care. I was okay being ignored and left to hold everything up. I was such an enabler.
But as I grow, I realize how dysfunctional some things are, and I deserve to be happy.
He really feels he’s justified to be the way he is and thinks I expect the moon.
He needs to be more engaging. That’s a great word I say “present”.
We never really dated. We hung out with friends, his place... then we moved in together and a couple years later started a family. He never took me out and I just didn’t make waves about it. He never had to work for it. MY MISTAKE!!
I’m not sure there’s ever been “passion”. Sadly. Maybe he would feel differently?
we are roommates. We are best friends :/
I have talked to him till I’m blue in the face about intimacy. What I see it as, what it should be, how a marriage needs it. He agrees, but unless I make the move, we just don’t have it.
right now I’m typing this. He’s watching a movie and has no clue.
that’s just not okay!
 

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I do know what you’re saying.
The issue is, he’s always been like this. I just use to not care. I was okay being ignored and left to hold everything up. I was such an enabler.
But as I grow, I realize how dysfunctional some things are, and I deserve to be happy.
He really feels he’s justified to be the way he is and thinks I expect the moon.
He needs to be more engaging. That’s a great word I say “present”.
We never really dated. We hung out with friends, his place... then we moved in together and a couple years later started a family. He never took me out and I just didn’t make waves about it. He never had to work for it. MY MISTAKE!!
I’m not sure there’s ever been “passion”. Sadly. Maybe he would feel differently?
we are roommates. We are best friends :/
I have talked to him till I’m blue in the face about intimacy. What I see it as, what it should be, how a marriage needs it. He agrees, but unless I make the move, we just don’t have it.
right now I’m typing this. He’s watching a movie and has no clue.
that’s just not okay!
I hear you loud and clear, I lived it too, I get it. It sounds like you have grown and you are ready to live now.
 
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