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I don't agree with his view on this and I wish he didn't feel this way. But he was open about this from the start. Your comment about my marriage being a sham is very unhelpful and rude.
Okay, so you went into this with eyes wide open. If it is what you agreed for it to be, and everything was out in the open, above board, and mutually accepted, so be it. I retract that final statement about the marriage being a sham and apologize for my overstatement.

But then I'm not sure why you would complain about being exactly where you expected to be.

And I still stand by the idea that it is a sham to say your (his) belief is based on his religion when the scriptures that define that religion make no such statement--indeed they say quite the opposite. To try to maintain those two positions simultaneously is, at best, illogical and, at worst, delusional. But as you say, you knew this going in, so you'd already decided this was acceptable.
 

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I don't agree with his view on this and I wish he didn't feel this way. But he was open about this from the start. Your comment about my marriage being a sham is very unhelpful and rude.
ok try concentrating on this part of the sentence, which is vastly more important:

Unless he's willing to do the self reflection to find the true root cause of that belief, and share it with you, both his belief and your marriage,
 

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Okay, so you went into this with eyes wide open. If it is what you agreed for it to be, and everything was out in the open, above board, and mutually accepted, so be it.
Maybe I didn't read her posts as clearly as I thought I did but I got the impression that by saying 'he was open from the start' meant less than from the start of the marriage, and more about the start of a lack of sex life after having a child.

edit: I scrolled back and I didn't even see her mention anything about kids in her last couple of posts so I guess I am just confusing it with other ****.
 

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Okay, so you went into this with eyes wide open. If it is what you agreed for it to be, and everything was out in the open, above board, and mutually accepted, so be it. I retract that final statement about the marriage being a sham and apologize for my overstatement.

But then I'm not sure why you would complain about being exactly where you expected to be.

And I still stand by the idea that it is a sham to say your (his) belief is based on his religion when the scriptures that define that religion make no such statement--indeed they say quite the opposite. To try to maintain those two positions simultaneously is, at best, illogical and, at worst, delusional. But as you say, you knew this going in, so you'd already decided this was acceptable.
Well I guess I don't see that I'm "complaining". I've come here to discuss this. Maybe everyone here with an issue is just a complainer. Anyway, you learn about marriage and relateionships as you go. You could call me stupid for getting married when he was pretty open about this but it's not like we talked about every single thing and made rules or whatever. He was just open about his beliefs and like i said, i was brought up exactly the same way. People are complex and can think differently about things at different times. I know that I do. I would bet that many people here with a marriage issue can be accused of "well you should have known this before you got married".
 

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Hello, im newly married and new here, i couldnr figure out how to create my own thread. (me and my husband just had our 1 year anniversary this last weekend) i am so bored wth our sex life. He is an amazing husband but we have our issues. 2 months into our marriage i asked for him to go down on me because its something that i love and it makes me feel accepted and loved. He shut down immediately and said no. He tried for 1 second and them said he wanted to gag and it feels wrong and vaginas are weird and that he needed time. So i dropped it. 8 months later i asked him again and he straight up said no. I started crying and felt super rejected since i go down on him all the time and love to. I explained to him that i feel insecure about myself because of all the comments he makes about my vagina and he wont go down on me or meet my needs sexually. He made up an excuse saying its morally wrong and he doesnt like bjs. Bs. I brought it up 2 weeks later because i knew he was lying. He admitted it and said he is intimidated because he has never done it before and needs to take it slow. Its been 2 months and i had him google it. He still hasnt done it. We always do missionary style. Im bored our of my mind and he sucks at fore play and comes like 2 seconds. I just want to stop having sex with him because im so bored and feel so unloved in this area. I feel like a cum bucket for him. I have acrazy high sex drive but not anymore since im so unhappy with our sex life and he wont meet my needs. Get this, hes a MARRIAGE FAMILY THERAPIST HIMSELF and ive had to teach him So many things.. idk what to do
 

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This has been moved to another thread so people can comment directly on your situation.

You have my sympathy - this is a huge problem.


Hello, im newly married and new here, i couldnr figure out how to create my own thread. (me and my husband just had our 1 year anniversary this last weekend) i am so bored wth our sex life. He is an amazing husband but we have our issues. 2 months into our marriage i asked for him to go down on me because its something that i love and it makes me feel accepted and loved. He shut down immediately and said no. He tried for 1 second and them said he wanted to gag and it feels wrong and vaginas are weird and that he needed time. So i dropped it. 8 months later i asked him again and he straight up said no. I started crying and felt super rejected since i go down on him all the time and love to. I explained to him that i feel insecure about myself because of all the comments he makes about my vagina and he wont go down on me or meet my needs sexually. He made up an excuse saying its morally wrong and he doesnt like bjs. Bs. I brought it up 2 weeks later because i knew he was lying. He admitted it and said he is intimidated because he has never done it before and needs to take it slow. Its been 2 months and i had him google it. He still hasnt done it. We always do missionary style. Im bored our of my mind and he sucks at fore play and comes like 2 seconds. I just want to stop having sex with him because im so bored and feel so unloved in this area. I feel like a cum bucket for him. I have acrazy high sex drive but not anymore since im so unhappy with our sex life and he wont meet my needs. Get this, hes a MARRIAGE FAMILY THERAPIST HIMSELF and ive had to teach him So many things.. idk what to do
 

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I don't disagree with what you're saying but he does not believe in "sex for fun". Or sex for pleasure. He treats it like it's sacred. I know that he's not alone in this and that's what our church preaches. I still don't see the purpose in analyzing whether he should think this way or see if he can think another way and still be OK in some religion. I mean, the law allows you to do things but that doesn't mean everyone wants to do everything that's legal. if the speed limit is 55, it doesn't mean you can't drive slower if you want.

He also does not believe I should be taking care of his sexual needs or him taking care of mine. He beleives that we need to resist these temptations. He doesn't tihnk it's the role of husband and wives to take care of sexual needs and he feels strongly about this.

Im' not saying that i agree with him but just that that's what he thinks and trying to say that "religion" allows more sex or different sex is a waste of time. It's confusing for me because I've been raised to see sex like he sees it (sexual pleasure is sinful and temptation is to be resisted and sex is basically dirty). I love sex so kind of conflicted. Anyway, from what i read here, lots of people have marriages with mismatching views, feelings and interest in sex. Something that many people have to deal with.
I am assuming your husband is a Christian. If he is not, then ignore my post.

Why does your husband believe that Paul wrote this to the believers in Jesus living in Corinth?

1 Corinthians 7:9 New International Version
"But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

Paul was saying that single people should control their passion, and if they couldn't then they should get married and have a good time not controlling it.
 

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I am assuming your husband is a Christian. If he is not, then ignore my post.

Why does your husband believe that Paul wrote this to the believers in Jesus living in Corinth?

1 Corinthians 7:9 New International Version
"But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

Paul was saying that single people should control their passion, and if they couldn't then they should get married and have a good time not controlling it.
He feels the way he does and that's the way he is. Quoting the bible isn't going to turn him into a sexual madman. I don't think telling him "it's ok by the bible" is going to make him more sexual or more adventurous.
 

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He feels the way he does and that's the way he is. Quoting the bible isn't going to turn him into a sexual madman. I don't think telling him "it's ok by the bible" is going to make him more sexual or more adventurous.
How about separation papers? LOL!>:)

Well showing him he is defying God with his pathetic attitude should snap him out of it but, as you say, he doesn't really give a rip so he is apparently just writing his own weird script which you don't actually have to subscribe to.

Boggles my mind.
 

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How about separation papers? LOL!>:)

Well showing him he is defying God with his pathetic attitude should snap him out of it but, as you say, he doesn't really give a rip so he is apparently just writing his own weird script which you don't actually have to subscribe to.

Boggles my mind.
Exactly.

There's little reason to think that showing him that he can't legitimately or logically use his faith as an excuse to not perform will change his attitude...
... but it will prove you don't buy his bull**** excuses.
 

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I'm starting to change my view. I use to view intimacy and sex as a desire but not a need but the majority of humanity does actually need passion, intimacy and sex.

My mind has shifted. What the hell is a wife to do if her husband won't?
I also think it's a need. When you look at human sexuality, it's different from most other animals. Most only copulate when the female is in heat. For human sex is what nurtures intimacy and passion. It binds a couple together. Has to do with things like dopamine and oxytocin that are produced.. keeping these high... well they keep a couple high on love... :)
 

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I agree it is absolutely essential for each partner and for the survival of the marriage. If you are not having sex as a couple, or you have no desire for sex in the marriage, it needs to be addressed with a professional. After a 24 years marriage where I initiated sex the majority of time and husband showed no interest in me, I would lay awake at night and had all sorts of sex dreams....it was miserable. I am now in a relationship where the sex is the best I have ever had. He does initiate and I can initiate with him. He is experimental and creative, we can talk about our desires and what feels good for each of us. I call him my tiger and he plays right into it. Texts that go back and forth between us would make my children stop reading in a hurry! I am 57 and he is two years younger. This is the way it should be in my opinion.
 
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