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I didn't hide it, but when I tried to talk about this with my XH, the rejection continued. He said we would improve, but he never did anything about it. He said that all I wanted was sex, and didn't I value him for other things? And when I tried to initiate, he constantly rejected me.

So I stopped asking, and I stopped initiating. Because withdrawing was far less painful than the constant rejection.

I think my experience is pretty common.
This is so sad. I would imagine that the pain would be compounded by society's stereotype about men wanting it all the time. Must have made you feel awful.

You did not hide it, it was out in the open. You are strong to take the risk and be open about it with your XH.
 

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I didn't hide it, but when I tried to talk about this with my XH, the rejection continued. He said we would improve, but he never did anything about it. He said that all I wanted was sex, and didn't I value him for other things? And when I tried to initiate, he constantly rejected me.



So I stopped asking, and I stopped initiating. Because withdrawing was far less painful than the constant rejection.



I think my experience is pretty common.


FIP I could have written that post word for word. Reactions to initiating as well as consistent flat out rejection for the majority of our relationship (frequency has varied from 2/week to nearly 13 consecutive months without intercourse) have left me feeling as if I am abnormal, flawed, broken. He says I can ask anytime for him to get me off but so many times I have been told “I wish you would have brought this up a couple hours ago, I’m worn out/tired and need to get to sleep” or “We just had sex/I just got you off a few days ago” as if my high sex drive is completely unreasonable. He doesn’t understand that it is so incredibly difficult for me to ask at all anymore so I just wait and hope that maybe he’ll offer. When I do speak up it is only because I cannot go any longer — I just can’t win.
 

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FIP I could have written that post word for word. Reactions to initiating as well as consistent flat out rejection for the majority of our relationship (frequency has varied from 2/week to nearly 13 consecutive months without intercourse) have left me feeling as if I am abnormal, flawed, broken. He says I can ask anytime for him to get me off but so many times I have been told “I wish you would have brought this up a couple hours ago, I’m worn out/tired and need to get to sleep” or “We just had sex/I just got you off a few days ago” as if my high sex drive is completely unreasonable. He doesn’t understand that it is so incredibly difficult for me to ask at all anymore so I just wait and hope that maybe he’ll offer. When I do speak up it is only because I cannot go any longer — I just can’t win.
I wish you would have told me the sink is clogged a couple of hours ago ...

So sad. And since when is the object to "get you off?" This makes it like duty sex. Or "chore sex."

I feel sorry for you. I can see how this would make you feel abnormal .. and would be far from what you expected a relationship to feel like.

You did not hide it, but you certainly did not get understanding when you said something.
 

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I wish you would have told me the sink is clogged a couple of hours ago ...

So sad. And since when is the object to "get you off?" This makes it like duty sex. Or "chore sex."

I feel sorry for you. I can see how this would make you feel abnormal .. and would be far from what you expected a relationship to feel like.

You did not hide it, but you certainly did not get understanding when you said something.


In my first marriage, there was also a significant drive mismatch but it took me 7 years, 3 suicide attempts and a stay in an inpatient mental health facility to realize that it was not an issue with me but instead a symptom of his multiple affairs. He preferred to masturbate with porn even though I was ready willing and available at all times — I had given him a standing offer that even if he, for whatever reason, did not want sex that I would gladly give a BJ and then take care of myself. My greatest sexual pleasure was (and still is) to watch my partner respond to my actions and know that *I* was the cause of it. Lots of manipulation, gaslighting, brutal verbal/emotional abuse, turning everything around so I was the one apologizing — oh, and my XH is also a documented pathological/compulsive liar.

So yes, I brought quite a bit of sexual dysfunction baggage into my current marriage but I have always been very vocal and transparent about my high drive and the scars left by my XH.

The standard response to pushing the issue is “Ok I can get you off if you want.” Subtlety is lost on my H — or at least that’s how he portrays it. Kisses on the neck, nibbling the ear, spontaneous passionate open mouthed kiss — apparently none of these actions are cues regardless of how many times I’ve explained that those are my customary initiating behaviors, and on the off chance he does pick up on it (usually after I stroke his crotch lightly) my efforts are met with “Oh Lord, you’re amped up again already?” He says this with a light tone, even amused, but it stabs me deeper every time. In the past, when no response was forthcoming I used to be a little more aggressive once we were in bed for the night, but after literally years of: Huge sigh, exasperated tone, “Do you want me to just get you off?” When I explain that duty sex is not as satisfying either physically or mentally and that my need for sex usually increases afterward he says that he cannot win — even when he gets me off so he can avoid my hurt and frustration (because he really needs his sleep and doesn’t want to argue), when he has sex with me in an effort to shut me up — I’m still not happy so why should he even try.

He says he has never known any woman with this high of a drive and that sex is just not something he thinks about often — he has also stated that apparently everything with me revolves around sex and that I use that aspect of our relationship to measure every facet in our marriage. I just can’t handle any more excruciating rejections — especially when I have tried every way I know to find a workable solution — so whether I want to or not I’m shutting down emotionally as a defense mechanism.

If I’m being completely honest, if there was a way to completely shut down any and all sexual desire I would take it in a heartbeat. I mean, really, if this is an issue in both my first and my current marriage then the common denominator is me — maybe I really am just broken.
 

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You are not broken, he is. Or more accurately you are not compatible

There are people who would love to be with someone like you.

I wish I had learned about compatibility when I was younger.




snip
If I’m being completely honest, if there was a way to completely shut down any and all sexual desire I would take it in a heartbeat. I mean, really, if this is an issue in both my first and my current marriage then the common denominator is me — maybe I really am just broken.
 

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You are not broken, he is. Or more accurately you are not compatible

There are people who would love to be with someone like you.

I wish I had learned about compatibility when I was younger.
I agree, Kara. There is nothing wrong with you, even though he behavior and reaction to/treatment of you makes you feel broken.

That's HIS problem! That doesn't mean something is wrong with you. He's unwilling to meet your needs and doesn't care that he's hurting you, which means he is a bad partner for you.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
 

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In my first marriage, there was also a significant drive mismatch but it took me 7 years, 3 suicide attempts and a stay in an inpatient mental health facility to realize that it was not an issue with me but instead a symptom of his multiple affairs. He preferred to masturbate with porn even though I was ready willing and available at all times — I had given him a standing offer that even if he, for whatever reason, did not want sex that I would gladly give a BJ and then take care of myself. My greatest sexual pleasure was (and still is) to watch my partner respond to my actions and know that *I* was the cause of it. Lots of manipulation, gaslighting, brutal verbal/emotional abuse, turning everything around so I was the one apologizing — oh, and my XH is also a documented pathological/compulsive liar.

So yes, I brought quite a bit of sexual dysfunction baggage into my current marriage but I have always been very vocal and transparent about my high drive and the scars left by my XH.

The standard response to pushing the issue is “Ok I can get you off if you want.” Subtlety is lost on my H — or at least that’s how he portrays it. Kisses on the neck, nibbling the ear, spontaneous passionate open mouthed kiss — apparently none of these actions are cues regardless of how many times I’ve explained that those are my customary initiating behaviors, and on the off chance he does pick up on it (usually after I stroke his crotch lightly) my efforts are met with “Oh Lord, you’re amped up again already?” He says this with a light tone, even amused, but it stabs me deeper every time. In the past, when no response was forthcoming I used to be a little more aggressive once we were in bed for the night, but after literally years of: Huge sigh, exasperated tone, “Do you want me to just get you off?” When I explain that duty sex is not as satisfying either physically or mentally and that my need for sex usually increases afterward he says that he cannot win — even when he gets me off so he can avoid my hurt and frustration (because he really needs his sleep and doesn’t want to argue), when he has sex with me in an effort to shut me up — I’m still not happy so why should he even try.

He says he has never known any woman with this high of a drive and that sex is just not something he thinks about often — he has also stated that apparently everything with me revolves around sex and that I use that aspect of our relationship to measure every facet in our marriage. I just can’t handle any more excruciating rejections — especially when I have tried every way I know to find a workable solution — so whether I want to or not I’m shutting down emotionally as a defense mechanism.

If I’m being completely honest, if there was a way to completely shut down any and all sexual desire I would take it in a heartbeat. I mean, really, if this is an issue in both my first and my current marriage then the common denominator is me — maybe I really am just broken.
Damn this makes me sad. Sometimes the world seems like a cosmic joke being played on all of us. There are SO MANY men even on here who would kill for a wife like this. And you happened to meet two duds. Was there something about them that you think attracted you to them? Was there any sign of this before? :frown2:
 

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KaraBoo0723, I know a lot of men and women can relate to your sex starved relationship. Many men hear the same things your H has told you. I can imagine with the common belief that ALL men want sex and your H doesn't might cause you to think "what is wrong with me" well please don't think that way. The issue is not you but a sexual miss-match. Some people are higher drive and some people are naturally low drive.

Like some other posters have said, you would be a delight to be married to compared to some of the current posters primary partner.

The trick is to be with someone that matches your overall interests.
 

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Kara,

You are not broken. On the contrary, I would regard you as highly functional.

So sorry you are married to somebody that does not wish to you happy. Or seem to even know how, referring to the "I can get you off if you want."

You just want somebody that can share a sexual experience with together, and enjoy it together. Ain't nothing wrong with that!
 

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Thank you, @FeministInPink, @uhtred, @sokillme, @fightforher and @Handy, your support and kind words are appreciated more than you know.

I have not replied to the questions yet but I will when I’m able. If I’m really honest, just thinking of replying with details of my current situation leaves me in tears and trembling (even just typing this has tears rolling down my face). I have faults in this relationship too and early on my behavior regarding frequency of sex was emotionally/verbally abusive. I really did a lot of self-sabotage in the first few years and the damage I inflicted set the stage for my current situation. No infidelity on my part, ever. My H? I’m certain there was at minimum an EA, possibly a PA, at some point in the last two years. Not knowing details of what went on at that time is tangled up in what I am just not able to share at the moment.

Thank you again for your replies, they lift my heart this morning

(Slightly o/t but I have read some of the articles you’ve written on your blog , FIP, and love your writing style and transparency )
 

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Thank you, @FeministInPink, @uhtred, @sokillme, @fightforher and @Handy, your support and kind words are appreciated more than you know.

I have not replied to the questions yet but I will when I’m able. If I’m really honest, just thinking of replying with details of my current situation leaves me in tears and trembling (even just typing this has tears rolling down my face). I have faults in this relationship too and early on my behavior regarding frequency of sex was emotionally/verbally abusive. I really did a lot of self-sabotage in the first few years and the damage I inflicted set the stage for my current situation. No infidelity on my part, ever. My H? I’m certain there was at minimum an EA, possibly a PA, at some point in the last two years. Not knowing details of what went on at that time is tangled up in what I am just not able to share at the moment.

Thank you again for your replies, they lift my heart this morning

(Slightly o/t but I have read some of the articles you’ve written on your blog , FIP, and love your writing style and transparency )
:frown2:
 

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My husband has sex with me about once every 2 weeks which is not what i like but we just don't have a sexual marriage. He's very religious. I love him but with him i would not really want more sex with him. When we do it, its' not really "hot" for me and it's not really what i like or what i want in sex. Well that's just not a big part of our marriage. i've accepted that.
 

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My husband has sex with me about once every 2 weeks which is not what i like but we just don't have a sexual marriage. He's very religious. I love him but with him i would not really want more sex with him. When we do it, its' not really "hot" for me and it's not really what i like or what i want in sex. Well that's just not a big part of our marriage. i've accepted that.
If you have accepted this, then so be it. This is something that each person who is faced with a LD spouse needs to make their own decision about.

I do find it sad when a person uses religion as an excuse/reason for avoiding sex. There is nothing in religion that supports this.
 

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If you have accepted this, then so be it. This is something that each person who is faced with a LD spouse needs to make their own decision about.



I do find it sad when a person uses religion as an excuse/reason for avoiding sex. There is nothing in religion that supports this.


I agree. My dad and stepmom are devout Christians who give their all every day to walk with Christ and be His example and light to everyone their lives touch. They lead small group relationship studies every week as well as being the leaders of the Divorce Care staff at their church. This is a second marriage for them both and they celebrated their 31st wedding anniversary on 11/21.

My stepmom is very active in their Mothers of Preschoolers program although she has no children of her own, has been in my life since the age of 7 though so she does have relatable experiences. One subject that is emphasized in the studies and MOPs is the importance of an active, enthusiastic and frequent sex life. My dad does a workshop for the husbands of MOPs and shares how in his first marriage (to my mom) he was a horrible and neglectful husband. He encourages these men to be vigilant in not letting their wives feel neglected in any aspect of the marriage and recommends spicing things up in the bedroom to re-establish an emotional and sexual bond during times of difficulty in their lives and to make their wives’ needs, both physical and emotional, a top priority at all times.

That is the example of a Godly marriage I grew up with — I cannot fathom feeling that being religious equals a boring and uninspired sex life.
 

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Kara
My dad does a workshop for the husbands of MOPs and shares how in his first marriage (to my mom) he was a horrible and neglectful husband. He encourages these men to be vigilant in not letting their wives feel neglected in any aspect of the marriage and recommends spicing things up in the bedroom to re-establish an emotional and sexual bond during times of difficulty in their lives and to make their wives’ needs, both physical and emotional, a top priority at all times.


I am so happy to hear that message because it is what is needed. When I was much younges the topic of sex at church was mostly negative. The message was work, work, work, and then give to God.
 

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If you have accepted this, then so be it. This is something that each person who is faced with a LD spouse needs to make their own decision about.

I do find it sad when a person uses religion as an excuse/reason for avoiding sex. There is nothing in religion that supports this.
Whether you agree or disagree with the beliefs, people have their own personal religious views. My husband does not believe that sex is for 'recreation'. You can disagree with this but that's "his" religion so what other people think religion supports or doesn't support doesn't really matter. anyway, you can't really talk about religion like it's a single thing.
 

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Whether you agree or disagree with the beliefs, people have their own personal religious views. My husband does not believe that sex is for 'recreation'. You can disagree with this but that's "his" religion so what other people think religion supports or doesn't support doesn't really matter. anyway, you can't really talk about religion like it's a single thing.
I have to disagree to some degree. If you're claiming religion as a reason for your actions, there must be something that is inherent in that religion that supports that. If "his" religion is somehow different from the codified tenets of the religion, he can not claim that religion either as "his" or as a reason for his actions.

Are the two of you actively trying to conceive? If not, then according to "his" religion (no recreational sex), you shouldn't be having any sex at all. Ever.

The cornerstone of any religion is that particular religion's holy scriptures. Of course,for any such writings, different people will interpret them different ways, so there is room for disagreement within a religion, but some things are clearly beyond the scope of the scriptures. Minimizing sex within a Godly marriage is one of them. In fact, if anything, the scriptures indicate the opposite: that it is hugely important and that both members of the marriage are not only encouraged, but duty bound, to look after each other's sexual needs.
 

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I have to disagree to some degree. If you're claiming religion as a reason for your actions, there must be something that is inherent in that religion that supports that. If "his" religion is somehow different from the codified tenets of the religion, he can not claim that religion either as "his" or as a reason for his actions.

Are the two of you actively trying to conceive? If not, then according to "his" religion (no recreational sex), you shouldn't be having any sex at all. Ever.

The cornerstone of any religion is that particular religion's holy scriptures. Of course,for any such writings, different people will interpret them different ways, so there is room for disagreement within a religion, but some things are clearly beyond the scope of the scriptures. Minimizing sex within a Godly marriage is one of them. In fact, if anything, the scriptures indicate the opposite: that it is hugely important and that both members of the marriage are not only encouraged, but duty bound, to look after each other's sexual needs.
I don't disagree with what you're saying but he does not believe in "sex for fun". Or sex for pleasure. He treats it like it's sacred. I know that he's not alone in this and that's what our church preaches. I still don't see the purpose in analyzing whether he should think this way or see if he can think another way and still be OK in some religion. I mean, the law allows you to do things but that doesn't mean everyone wants to do everything that's legal. if the speed limit is 55, it doesn't mean you can't drive slower if you want.

He also does not believe I should be taking care of his sexual needs or him taking care of mine. He beleives that we need to resist these temptations. He doesn't tihnk it's the role of husband and wives to take care of sexual needs and he feels strongly about this.

Im' not saying that i agree with him but just that that's what he thinks and trying to say that "religion" allows more sex or different sex is a waste of time. It's confusing for me because I've been raised to see sex like he sees it (sexual pleasure is sinful and temptation is to be resisted and sex is basically dirty). I love sex so kind of conflicted. Anyway, from what i read here, lots of people have marriages with mismatching views, feelings and interest in sex. Something that many people have to deal with.
 

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I don't disagree with what you're saying but he does not believe in "sex for fun". Or sex for pleasure. He treats it like it's sacred. I know that he's not alone in this and that's what our church preaches. I still don't see the purpose in analyzing whether he should think this way or see if he can think another way and still be OK in some religion. I mean, the law allows you to do things but that doesn't mean everyone wants to do everything that's legal. if the speed limit is 55, it doesn't mean you can't drive slower if you want.

He also does not believe I should be taking care of his sexual needs or him taking care of mine. He beleives that we need to resist these temptations. He doesn't tihnk it's the role of husband and wives to take care of sexual needs and he feels strongly about this.

Im' not saying that i agree with him but just that that's what he thinks and trying to say that "religion" allows more sex or different sex is a waste of time. It's confusing for me because I've been raised to see sex like he sees it (sexual pleasure is sinful and temptation is to be resisted and sex is basically dirty). I love sex so kind of conflicted. Anyway, from what i read here, lots of people have marriages with mismatching views, feelings and interest in sex. Something that many people have to deal with.
I apologize up front for the argumentative nature of this post. I'm not sure how to say this more softly.


Well, that's the first problem right there. There's no discrepancy between sacred sex and pleasurable sex. In fact, we should take genuine joy in that which is sacred. Saying that because sex is sacred, we shouldn't enjoy it, requires a rather heinous twisting of logic.

Here's why I say it's important. It's important for all people, regardless of religious belief or affiliation to be honest... with themselves as well as with each other. I have no grounds to criticize whether or not one chooses to believe in a divine creator, but I most certainly will call out someone for claiming that belief and using that belief to justify actions that exceed the scope of that belief. If he wants to believe that any sex, even within marriage, is sinful, so be it. But don't let him bull**** your or delude himself into thinking there's some sort of divine reason for this. Unless he can quote you chapter and verse, he's got no leg to stand on here. He may have a reason for feeling this way, but it's not rooted in the scripture. Unless he's willing to do the self reflection to find the true root cause of that belief, and share it with you, both his belief and your marriage, are a sham.

The holy scriptures fully acknowledge these temptations as part of the human experience... and prescribes the proper resolution... MARRIAGE! In fact, the bible is quite clear that giving into these temptations with your spouse is essential to save your spouse from these temptations outside of marriage.
“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Cor 7:5)
When you withhold other than by mutual consent, you disrespect your spouse, you disrespect your marriage, and most importantly to the truly pious, you disrespect the word of God.
 

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I apologize up front for the argumentative nature of this post. I'm not sure how to say this more softly.


Well, that's the first problem fight there. There's no discrepancy between sacred sex and pleasurable sex. In fact, we should take genuine joy in that which is sacred. Saying that because sex is sacred, we shouldn't enjoy it, requires a rather heinous twisting of logic.

Here's why I say it's important. It's important for all people, regardless of religious belief or affiliation to be honest... with themselves as well as with each other. I have no grounds to criticize whether or not one chooses to believe in a divine creator, but I most certainly will call out someone for claiming that belief and using that belief to justify actions that exceed the scope of that belief. If he wants to believe that any sex, even within marriage, is sinful, so be it. But don't let him bull**** your or delude himself into thinking there's some sort of divine reason for this. Unless he can quote you chapter and verse, he's got no leg to stand on here. He may have a reason for feeling this way, but it's not rooted in the scripture. Unless he's willing to do the self reflection to find the true root cause of that belief, and share it with you, both his belief and your marriage, are a sham.

The holy scriptures fully acknowledge these temptations as part of the human experience... and prescribes the proper resolution... MARRIAGE! In fact, the bible is quite clear that giving into these temptations with your spouse is essential to save your spouse from these temptations outside of marriage.
“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Cor 7:5)
When you withhold other than by mutual consent, you disrespect your spouse, you disrespect your marriage, and most importantly to the truly pious, you disrespect the word of God.
I don't agree with his view on this and I wish he didn't feel this way. But he was open about this from the start. Your comment about my marriage being a sham is very unhelpful and rude.
 
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