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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm from the Mountains, I guess I'm what you might call a "HillBilly". I remember my Grandmother singing this song:George Jones - "Lonesome Valley" - YouTube.
It seems to me that whether you reconcile or divorce, everybody involved in infidelity has to face the same reckoning. BS and WS alike.
Let me tell you about my Sweetheart.
After her affair was revealed, she began therapy. I talked to her therapist and she said that the first things my Sweetie said to her was 'What is wrong with me? How could I do this to my love?" "Why am I so evil and selfish"? She NEVER blamed me for a single thing, and even refused to discuss any of the marital issues we had, if it cast any blame on me. The courage it took and still takes for her to face her reckoning is the single main reason I' so in love with her, today.
I have to face my reckoning too. I look back on my past mistakes and foolishness, and hope, by facing them, to make a brighter future for both of us.
We are walking our lonesome valley, my sweetie and I, only....together, it's not so lonesome.
 

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You deserve each other.
Usually, when I say this to someone I say it sarcastically. This may be the first time I say it without sarcasm.

You two truly deserve each other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
You deserve each other.
Usually, when I say this to someone I say it sarcastically. This may be the first time I say it without sarcasm.

You two truly deserve each other.
Thank you, Walkonmars, I will take that as a positive.:)
 

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Rookie, I love to read your posts. I always feel so good afterwards. Please keep posting.
 
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We all have to face our demons sooner or latter.

Sounds like both you and your Ex have traveled a long road to come back together.

Good luck.
 

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I remember your first thread very, very clearly. It was an amazing thing to witness the tide turning as you gradually showed more of your heart and we gradually understood the depth of your ex-wife's remorse and rehabilitation. By now, you two are really a story of redemption and forgiveness. This is too rare, in my opinion. I wish you both the best.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I think that what we are doing together now, has much more value to each of us than we could ever have imagined. Sweetie told me yesterday that she is happier than she has been in several years. Plus it's a whole lot easier to work on a relationship when both of you are on the same page. We are on the same word, let alone, page.
 

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My father had a wonderful singing voice and he used to walk around the house singing "The Second Time Around." The refrain was, 'Love is lovelier, the second time around, just as wonderful, with both feet on the ground."

My mother used to joke about my father hoping for his second wife & he would say that the second, third, fourth time would always be with her because she was the only love of his life. And this was true. She was.
 

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Fantastic Rookie4!

It takes a lot of courage to face your own mistakes. You and your wife obviously have what it takes.

You should write a book on how you handled this.
 

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Hmm...this is the same woman who said your "tool" was smaller than the OM's, right? And having sex with him is akin to eating steak after tasting only the hamburger that is you for decades? And coming back to you after things didn't work out when Brad only wanted to bang her for a month and then tossed her aside? Or was it that she left after she realized this?

It's good that you are you into reconciling but boy do people sure have selective memories, huh?

The past made us who are today. And it is the best determinant of our future.

But I gotta hand it to you for taking your wife back all that she said and did. I know I never could.
 

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Some people should read the whole back story instead of jumping this way.
I have. I've never chimed in once to a thread without reading all the pertinent posts. I've also posted in his previous thread before.

I know how his mother in law and her therapist now evidently - two people who have her best interests at heart say great things about her - how surprising...

And her "remorse" and his "fun" with other women after the divorce to get back his shattered self-esteem.

And know you know what? That takes away nothing from my earlier post.

His gushing comments about the behavior of this woman now have to be taken in perspective to the woman she was before.

Some people don't deserve forgiveness in life. Maybe from God but certainly not from others.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
JamesKemp, I really don't mind your posts at all. What I DO mind is your condescending, patronizing attitude. Who do you think is a better judge of my ex-wife's behavior, then and now. You, who are simply a few words on a computer screen , or me who have seen my ex-wife at her worst and at her best? I KNOW how she is behaving now, I KNEW how she was behaving then. You obviousely think I'm a chump. So be it, I'm a chump, but I'm probably having a LOT more fun than you are , and am enjoying myself immensely. So why don't you take a pill or something.
 

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JamesKemp, I really don't mind your posts at all. What I DO mind is your condescending, patronizing attitude. Who do you think is a better judge of my ex-wife's behavior, then and now. You, who are simply a few words on a computer screen , or me who have seen my ex-wife at her worst and at her best? I KNOW how she is behaving now, I KNEW how she was behaving then. You obviousely think I'm a chump. So be it, I'm a chump, but I'm probably having a LOT more fun than you are , and am enjoying myself immensely. So why don't you take a pill or something.
Condescending? No. I can actually learn a lot from you.

I tend to sever ties permanently with people who have wronged me like this because their face is a constant reminder of their actions. How do you deal with the triggers? Justifying it with she said it because she was angry and didn't mean it doesn't really seem to work for me because I believe the most hurtful things we say when we are angry contain some of our truest feelings.
 

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I think James raises a fair point - but Rookie is the man on the ground, and he sees far more than we do, and gets the full history, the nuances, etc.

The best we can get, here on TAM, is the 2D, edited, condensed subtlitled version, not the full 24h 3D full sensory edition. So we don't know.

Rookie knows where he's been, and where he's going now, and where he is now is a better place than where he was, even if he had to eade though a swamp not of his making to get there.

And he knows that things can be said in guilt and anger (aften at oneself) that aren't meant and are deeply and eternally regretted.

We all make mistakes - some greater than others - and I hope I'm never in Rookie's position. But if I am, I hope I have half the sense and maturity he's shown in getting through it - with self esteem, family, and life intact, and the prospect of a better relationship than his his ex-wife destroyed.

And I do see your point, James. Who can take that risk of being hurt, having been hurt before? Only someone who knows the potential rewards that can come from taking those risks.
 

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The way I look at it - in some cases the transformation of a WS before and during their affair is so radical that it can almost be viewed as a form of mental illness. That is the "fog". Now a person must have the propensity to cheat in order to take that first step which leads to the fog but I do believe that some WS can truly "snap out of it". So it's like any other illness - for example: alcoholism. You can choose to stay and help your spouse work through this or you can walk away. Note - I am saying SOME cases, not all.

A lot of people may think that this gives the WS a way out - an excuse for their behaviour. Every case is different and it's up to the BS to decide, since they are dealing with it on a day to day basis and they know their spouse better than anybody.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Condescending? No. I can actually learn a lot from you.

I tend to sever ties permanently with people who have wronged me like this because their face is a constant reminder of their actions. How do you deal with the triggers? Justifying it with she said it because she was angry and didn't mean it doesn't really seem to work for me because I believe the most hurtful things we say when we are angry contain some of our truest feelings.
JamesKemp, Your insinuations that I am somehow being dupped, the unwitting victim of some vast conspiracy, are indeed condescending. Stating that not only my ex-wife , but my ex mother-in-law, and my wife's therapist (and incidentally the therapist's supervisor) are all liars.
My ex MIL is a highly respected educator (HS principal, Church Administrator, Officer , past and present in many Civic and charitable organizations), who also was the first person to advise me that divorce might be my best option.
My ex wife's therapist is also very highly thought of and has written articles (some of which probably have been read by posters on TAM) concerning infidelity and marriage recovery, and has a reputation for integrity that is known state-wide. That these people are deliberately decieving me and risking their personal and possibly professional reputations, in order that I be convinced of my ex wif'es sincerity and remorse, is preposterous.
 

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JamesKemp, Your insinuations that I am somehow being dupped, the unwitting victim of some vast conspiracy, are indeed condescending. Stating that not only my ex-wife , but my ex mother-in-law, and my wife's therapist (and incidentally the therapist's supervisor) are all liars.
My ex MIL is a highly respected educator (HS principal, Church Administrator, Officer , past and present in many Civic and charitable organizations), who also was the first person to advise me that divorce might be my best option.
My ex wife's therapist is also very highly thought of and has written articles (some of which probably have been read by posters on TAM) concerning infidelity and marriage recovery, and has a reputation for integrity that is known state-wide. That these people are deliberately decieving me and risking their personal and possibly professional reputations, in order that I be convinced of my ex wif'es sincerity and remorse, is preposterous.
Not really that preposterous. The source of the information is a lot more important than the content of that information.

That is why say...the NY Times or a Peer Reviewed Science Journal Article is held in a much higher regard than say the NY Post or an non-peer reviewed academic journal.

In your case, your two sources of information are highly BIASED. Your wife's MOTHER and her PERSONAL therapist are looking out for her best interests, not yours. And of course she advised you to divorce. Your wife wasn't coming back to you until after her trial run failed.

Sorry, that is the way I view it. I don't mean to offend you but my logic is there.

Not preposterous.
 

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JamesKemp, Your insinuations that I am somehow being dupped, the unwitting victim of some vast conspiracy, are indeed condescending. Stating that not only my ex-wife , but my ex mother-in-law, and my wife's therapist (and incidentally the therapist's supervisor) are all liars.
I don't see him being or acting superior to you in any way. That would be condescension. Now, is he making a bunch of assumptions; sure. Everyone reading your THREADS, or any thread for that matter, can only process the information you write.

Yes, only you know what is going on. Still, there are plenty of stories of MILs, Therapists and family conspiring or being willfully ignorant to the determent of the BS.

I hope everything works and glad you are defending your spouse and family.
 

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I highly doubt even the thougher vets here believe Rookie isn't making a sound decision reconciling with XW.
Now... once he made that decision and happy for it, based on two years of consistent, coherent, remorseful, changing behavior only to point out in the most crude fashion the hot bottoms of the immediate aftermath doesn't make sense to me. At all.
Don't get it. I don't imagine how it can be done out of care.
 
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