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I get that. I do think at times that’s an issue for me.
I have shared “needs” and concerns with him. How I want to be closer, more intimate, etc.
but if he could actually read my mind? He would probably run away! Haha
I do have to wonder how much (because I’m sure it does) that plays in my “unhappiness”
 

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Question for you @FeministInPink Do you ever find that men that often define themselves as being HD turn out in reality NOT to be?
I'm drawing mostly on what I've heard others say here. My primary example is my ex-husband, and yes, he claimed to be high drive and I ended up in a sexless marriage with a man who never initiated and turned me down every time I tried initiate.

The only other person I've been with long enough to determine if he actually WAS high drive was my most recent boyfriend. And he definitely was.

Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe only a small number of LD people masquerade as HD, but I experienced it and it was hell. If I can keep from going through that again, I will.

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Discussion Starter #123
I'm drawing mostly on what I've heard others say here. My primary example is my ex-husband, and yes, he claimed to be high drive and I ended up in a sexless marriage with a man who never initiated and turned me down every time I tried initiate.

The only other person I've been with long enough to determine if he actually WAS high drive was my most recent boyfriend. And he definitely was.

Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe only a small number of LD people masquerade as HD, but I experienced it and it was hell. If I can keep from going through that again, I will.

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Thanks for that feedback. I have to imagine that there are many self-HD-identifying people here on this forum that would actually qualify as LD in a different relationship. I don't think it has anything to do with being attracted to the other person (I mean obviously that can be a factor), but more about the emotional compatibility that just takes a while to reveal itself.
 

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I didn’t read the entire thread but after been married twice, I think the only thing that makes sex “unnatural” is the marriage itself. The boredom sets in. Taking each other for granted. It’s easier to watch porn or grab the vibrator. The excuses mount. The kids, the jobs, the mortgage.

I firmly believe the best and healthiest sex life for a HD person is to not get married. I’m not opposed to LTR, but when the red flags come out, it’s easier to run.
 

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I didn’t read the entire thread but after been married twice, I think the only thing that makes sex “unnatural” is the marriage itself. The boredom sets in. Taking each other for granted. It’s easier to watch porn or grab the vibrator. The excuses mount. The kids, the jobs, the mortgage.

I firmly believe the best and healthiest sex life for a HD person is to not get married. I’m not opposed to LTR, but when the red flags come out, it’s easier to run.
Sorry, newbie here! What is "LTR"?
 

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Discussion Starter #128
I didn’t read the entire thread but after been married twice, I think the only thing that makes sex “unnatural” is the marriage itself. The boredom sets in. Taking each other for granted. It’s easier to watch porn or grab the vibrator. The excuses mount. The kids, the jobs, the mortgage.
...not to mention the health issues of getting older, in-laws, family drama, busy work schedules, pets that tear up stuff in the house, complaints from the HOA about your Direct TV Dish placement, car trouble, unexpected credit card expenses, tax liabilities, lapsed termite certification for your home, broken swimming pool pump, increasing insurance premiums, increasing cost of living, broken compressor on the air conditioner, leaking roof after a hail storm, end of life care for a grandparent, tree roots that result in a broken water main on your side of the meter, unexpected redistricting of the local school zones, increased taxes, computer virus, and so on and so on.....

Now imagine actually having the skills to still enjoy sex with a spouse in the middle of all that!
 

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...not to mention the health issues of getting older, in-laws, family drama, busy work schedules, pets that tear up stuff in the house, complaints from the HOA about your Direct TV Dish placement, car trouble, unexpected credit card expenses, tax liabilities, lapsed termite certification for your home, broken swimming pool pump, increasing insurance premiums, increasing cost of living, broken compressor on the air conditioner, leaking roof after a hail storm, end of life care for a grandparent, tree roots that result in a broken water main on your side of the meter, unexpected redistricting of the local school zones, increased taxes, computer virus, and so on and so on.....

Now imagine actually having the skills to still enjoy sex with a spouse in the middle of all that!
Well, for ME, having sex always made the bad life-crap tolerable! It never took my desire away, it made me SO glad to have sex!! I felt this way when we had financial problems, when we had babies and toddlers, when I spent all day in the house, when I was tired, when I had arguments with my family, when my beloved aunt died -- SEX helped me recover from the pain of those things, and helped ground me and remember what it was like to FEEL GOOD.

What can be more stress-relieving than having your body touched just for YOUR pleasure...??

That's why I can say, I will NEVER understand low-drive women!! Lol!
 

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...not to mention the health issues of getting older, in-laws, family drama, busy work schedules, pets that tear up stuff in the house, complaints from the HOA about your Direct TV Dish placement, car trouble, unexpected credit card expenses, tax liabilities, lapsed termite certification for your home, broken swimming pool pump, increasing insurance premiums, increasing cost of living, broken compressor on the air conditioner, leaking roof after a hail storm, end of life care for a grandparent, tree roots that result in a broken water main on your side of the meter, unexpected redistricting of the local school zones, increased taxes, computer virus, and so on and so on.....

Now imagine actually having the skills to still enjoy sex with a spouse in the middle of all that!
Having sex should be the ‘fun’ part of the marriage. If you can’t look forward to and enjoy that part (health reasons excluded), what’s the point of even being married? It took me two turns at marriage to realize that most marriages aren’t worth the trouble they cause. There will never be a third...
I’m sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, there is only one true known way out of it. People change for a day, a week, a month (if you’re lucky). Beyond that, people don’t change.
 

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Discussion Starter #131 (Edited)
What can be more stress-relieving than having your body touched just for YOUR pleasure...??

That's why I can say, I will NEVER understand low-drive women!! Lol!
edit later to note this is a new thought of mine and to correct some typos

OK, now THIS is a critical dynamic where some couples (me & my wife included) struggle. There are two fundamental types of people with regards to stress and sex:
  • A) Those that crave sex as a way to sooth themselves when stressed
  • B) Those that can not get aroused due to stress suppressing their libido
It is also important to note that both types of people have their value and that there is nothing inherently wrong with one or the other. Obviously is one person falls into one category while the spouse in the other, you can see that it will create some severe challenges.

So what are the tools to work in that? It is obviously an uncomfortable process that a couple in that situation will need to endure in order to gain the coping skills to overcome that challenge. Person A) needs to learn that a spouse's suppressed libido is not associated with personal rejection, instead person B) may actually need A) a lot during this time, just not sexually. Person B) needs to realize that sex for person A) is often about helping sooth and relax an otherwise stressful situation and that this stress needs to be defused.

Ironically BOTH person A) and B) have to learn how to shift and nonsexual intimacy as a place to sooth and heal from stress, so that once an opportunity for sexual intimacy occurs that it is NOT about relieving stress. It is about already feeling already relaxed and sharing an emotional connection in a way that is mutually pleasurable.

Person A) can NOT and should NOT use person B) sexually to relieve life's everyday stress!!!! Otherwise it is a completely disconnecting experience that will leave one or both emotionally unsettled and serve to push the relationship apart.

Now having said that, stress can be an incredibly erotic ingredient when used lovingly in the marriage bed. It is about creating a playful form of stress that originated from within a couple's shared intimacy as opposed to bringing external stress into the bedroom that is unresolved.

The process of understanding that and arriving in that mindset is not easy and feels rather unnatural. For those that enjoy sex for relieving stress, it feels completely natural to do just that as opposed to somehow letting go of all that tension and starting from scratch in order to join with your partner. Meanwhile nonsexual intimacy seems to be made for relieving stress.

How many people have been stressed and wanted sex only to have a partner reject the idea while asking for just nonsexual intimacy? The result of which was rejected because person A) already felt rejected and too angry for nonsexual intimacy. As in, "OK we can't have sex, so I guess I'll just leave you alone and go watch TV or whatever by myself then! Why on f***ing earth would I want to snuggle and get all aroused if I already know we can't have sex!!!" ....and the result is a huge freaking disconnect and both A) and B) have increased stress!

Badsanta
 

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Well, for ME, having sex always made the bad life-crap tolerable! It never took my desire away, it made me SO glad to have sex!! I felt this way when we had financial problems, when we had babies and toddlers, when I spent all day in the house, when I was tired, when I had arguments with my family, when my beloved aunt died -- SEX helped me recover from the pain of those things, and helped ground me and remember what it was like to FEEL GOOD.

What can be more stress-relieving than having your body touched just for YOUR pleasure...??

That's why I can say, I will NEVER understand low-drive women!! Lol!
Yep my wife and I feel the same way.

Throughout our 24 years of being together, my wife and I have shared 9 different addresses together (from inner city environs to an small isolated town on the edge of the outback. Survived a multiple casualty incident, which saw my wife (then girlfriend) unable to walk for a number of weeks and get plastic surgery to repair her face. We've been through a house fire together, been trapped for two weeks as a consequence of floods. Experienced forced redundancy, gone through the experience of abortion.

While also having dealt with repeated separation for weeks through months at a time, for 7 and a bit years, while I was in the Army. Raised/raising children together. Got through my almost dying, two years into our marriage. Got past cancer recently, still dealing with a child who has a significant illness that may kill her. While we've dealt with lots of other significant things as well while also often not living near any other family as well.

Yet with all of that and more, we've always shared a lot of varied frequent sex together, Where sex feels good and that feel good experience of ****ing a lot, goes a long way to makes things feel good whatever challenges we experience.
 

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Having sex should be the ‘fun’ part of the marriage. If you can’t look forward to and enjoy that part (health reasons excluded), what’s the point of even being married? It took me two turns at marriage to realize that most marriages aren’t worth the trouble they cause.
I've been married twice and a lack of frequent and enthusiastic sex has never been a thing in either marriage (my first marriage didn't fail as a consequence of a lack of sex).

Until starting to read this forum a few years ago, I didn't know that a lack of sex was a problem in marriage.
 

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edit later to note this is a new thought of mine and to correct some typos

OK, now THIS is a critical dynamic where some couples (me & my wife included) struggle. There are two fundamental types of people with regards to stress and sex:
  • A) Those that crave sex as a way to sooth themselves when stressed
  • B) Those that can not get aroused due to stress suppressing their libido
It is also important to note that both types of people have their value and that there is nothing inherently wrong with one or the other. Obviously is one person falls into one category while the spouse in the other, you can see that it will create some severe challenges.

So what are the tools to work in that? It is obviously an uncomfortable process that a couple in that situation will need to endure in order to gain the coping skills to overcome that challenge. Person A) needs to learn that a spouse's suppressed libido is not associated with personal rejection, instead person B) may actually need A) a lot during this time, just not sexually. Person B) needs to realize that sex for person A) is often about helping sooth and relax an otherwise stressful situation and that this stress needs to be defused.

Ironically BOTH person A) and B) have to learn how to shift and nonsexual intimacy as a place to sooth and heal from stress, so that once an opportunity for sexual intimacy occurs that it is NOT about relieving stress. It is about already feeling already relaxed and sharing an emotional connection in a way that is mutually pleasurable.

Person A) can NOT and should NOT use person B) sexually to relieve life's everyday stress!!!! Otherwise it is a completely disconnecting experience that will leave one or both emotionally unsettled and serve to push the relationship apart.

Now having said that, stress can be an incredibly erotic ingredient when used lovingly in the marriage bed. It is about creating a playful form of stress that originated from within a couple's shared intimacy as opposed to bringing external stress into the bedroom that is unresolved.

The process of understanding that and arriving in that mindset is not easy and feels rather unnatural. For those that enjoy sex for relieving stress, it feels completely natural to do just that as opposed to somehow letting go of all that tension and starting from scratch in order to join with your partner. Meanwhile nonsexual intimacy seems to be made for relieving stress.

How many people have been stressed and wanted sex only to have a partner reject the idea while asking for just nonsexual intimacy? The result of which was rejected because person A) already felt rejected and too angry for nonsexual intimacy. As in, "OK we can't have sex, so I guess I'll just leave you alone and go watch TV or whatever by myself then! Why on f***ing earth would I want to snuggle and get all aroused if I already know we can't have sex!!!" ....and the result is a huge freaking disconnect and both A) and B) have increased stress!

Badsanta
You know when you read something, and a light bulb goes off?
  • A) Those that crave sex as a way to sooth themselves when stressed
  • B) Those that can not get aroused due to stress suppressing their libido
I don't think I ever realized that this is a thing with us, until now.
Stress shuts my husband down, but its not just sexually. Non sexual intimacy goes out the window. Talking goes out the window! I use to have to remind him to be present when he's home, talk to the kids, to me! He would snap out of it if I mentioned it, unless he was having a BAD day, then I gave him space to check out.
Until I read what you wrote, I don't think I realized how much of an emotional stress release sex is for me. I've joked with my husband about how stress sex would/could be hot. I guess I knew it, but the polar differences that is, seeing it written out, just opened my eyes a bit to something new!
 

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OK, now THIS is a critical dynamic where some couples (me & my wife included) struggle. There are two fundamental types of people with regards to stress and sex:
  • A) Those that crave sex as a way to sooth themselves when stressed
  • B) Those that can not get aroused due to stress suppressing their libido
I wonder if depression, anxiety and the like plus the drugs that are often prescribed to help with such things, play a significant role in many libido problems?
 

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I wonder if depression, anxiety and the like plus the drugs that are often prescribed to help with such things, play a significant role in many libido problems?
Those drugs have a lot of (potentially) negative side effects. I would obviously never tell someone not to take their medications, but I cant imagine this wouldn't play a part in it.
 

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Discussion Starter #137
You know when you read something, and a light bulb goes off?
  • A) Those that crave sex as a way to sooth themselves when stressed
  • B) Those that can not get aroused due to stress suppressing their libido
I don't think I ever realized that this is a thing with us, until now.
Awareness and talking about it (if that has been an issue for your marriage) is half the battle! Working together to improve things is the other half.

:)

I honestly hope that helps you guys! That would put a smile on my day.

Badsanta
 

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Awareness and talking about it (if that has been an issue for your marriage) is half the battle! Working together to improve things is the other half.

:)

I honestly hope that helps you guys! That would put a smile on my day.

Badsanta
It’s helped me. I want to talk with hubby tonight when he gets home about it. :)
 

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Well, for ME, having sex always made the bad life-crap tolerable! It never took my desire away, it made me SO glad to have sex!! I felt this way when we had financial problems, when we had babies and toddlers, when I spent all day in the house, when I was tired, when I had arguments with my family, when my beloved aunt died -- SEX helped me recover from the pain of those things, and helped ground me and remember what it was like to FEEL GOOD.

What can be more stress-relieving than having your body touched just for YOUR pleasure...??

That's why I can say, I will NEVER understand low-drive women!! Lol!
i wish I could transplant your brain into my wife’s Lisa!
 
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