Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 38 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I know there is an active thread on this topic currently, but I'd like to get some advice specific to my situation if anyone would be so kind to read on and respond. I have heard and agonized about the "evils" of porn. But my husband is not addicted. We are not religious. I would love to hear from some men on the subject or some women who do not view porn in an entirely negative light.

My H and I have been married for about 1.5 years. Our relationship is impeccable in nearly all aspects. I am a very happy wife for the most part. We rarely fight, but if we do, it is always about porn. I swear if it wasn't for the porn problem, we would have ZERO problems and ZERO fights.

The porn is not replacing our sex, we have sex at least once daily, I offer him bjs a few times a week in addition to our usual sex. We have a very active sex life so no problems there. However, I still don't like my H watching porn. We see porn completely differently. He viewed porn as a young teenager. It's a "habit" to him, having nothing to do with me. While I see his point, it still bothers me that he looks and lusts after other naked women. I'm not kidding myself into thinking that he won't ever find another woman attractive...that's absurd. But I do believe there's a difference in noticing an attractive member of the opposite sex and seeking them out on the internet and masturbating to them....especially when you have a very healthy sex life. I NEVER say no. NEVER.

It's become a viscous cycle. He looks at porn. I get upset. He does it again and he hides it. I find out and get more upset. And so on and so forth. We have tried many different solutions. We have found that it doesn't bother me as much if I'm there (weird, I know, but for some reason it doesn't...guess it's the secretive factor). That worked for a while...he told me he wanted to watch it while I was home and he would. However, I can't lie that it still bothers me. Our most recent fight began because he said he wanted to watch it and I was in a foul mood at the time so I said "sure" but with an angry tone. Of course, that made him feel like he shouldn't do it and that upset him cause he doesn't like the controlling aspect of it.

I don't like it either. I don't want to be controlling. Honestly, I wish that I would wake up one day and not care. That's all I want. But I feel like that's impossible. There's no denying that it burns me up that he still has the desire to masturbate to other women while I'm completely satisfied with him. I notice attractive men as well, but I'm not going to get off by watching them online. I just feel like marriage is exclusive. And him watching porn is not being exclusive.

I am so exhausted with being upset about this. I want to just tell him do whatever, but I know I will be thinking that he is doing it whenever I leave the house. He is willing to be open with me, but even then I can't stand him looking at porn. He is not addicted, doesn't watch it more than a few times a week, no longer than a few minutes at a time "just to get the job done."

Since our last fight, he has not talked about wanting to do it once. But I can tell he is feeling a resentful because he feels like I am controlling him. I understand that and I do not want to. But as I said, giving him "free reign" or whatever is going to eat me up inside.

This must be the part of marriage where you have to bite the bullet and put the other person first. I'm not sure how I can handle the pain of his "habit" but I know I can certainly handle that much better than the pain of losing him. He is a wonderful husband and makes me feel special in every other way. Should I just try to be the bigger person and just hope that this pain will reside eventually?

I need help! I love my husband, my best friend. I want to do the best for him and put him first, without totally jeopardizing my feelings. He swears he would not care if it was the other way around.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,370 Posts
I am so glad you are here.

Can you articulate exactly what you feel about him watching porn.?

One thing that I want to say, please don't shame him. Men are shamed too much. If you really care about him, own this as your problem not his.

My husband watches porn and it does not effect our life. I feel that just because I am married, I don't own him. He has a right to privacy and a right to make his decisions.

The reason I feel that way is because I don't like being a mother to a man that is the head of the family ship. I married him and I either trust him if he gives me no reason to do otherwise. I respect his ability to handle himself in the world.

Would it help if you stepped back and considered that you are his wife not his mother, judge, jailer or investigator.

You have a good marriage. Why destroy it my making your issues his? If you react badly to what he does he will cut off communication. He won't trust yiou not to get on his case.

Back off for now and rethink this. Is this worth pushing him to feel shamed, angry, and frustrated? You are his safe harbor. You can discuss things with him calmly without judgement right?

We are not perfect. If you pick your fights and expect as much from yourself as you expect from him then I think you will be able to let this go.

BTW, I think the porn industry is exploitative for the actors but That's me. The people who watch don't seem to be evil.
 
  • Like
Reactions: RDL

·
Registered
Joined
·
628 Posts
First you need to choose whether you are ok with porn or not because while you say you are you get mad that he looks. Mix messages can kill anything between spouses.

Second he should not have to be asking your permission and being told when he can and can not look at porn. He will only resent you for this fact it is a controlling thing to do.

I think that porn is fine as long as it does not replace a healthy sex life, is not illegal porn (under age), or attainable women (Like local hook ups) and lets face it no porn star is pounding sown my door to get my husband. It sounds like other then your issue with his viewing porn that you have a good relationship. So really choose which you are, bothered by it or not but stop bouncing him around because he has got to be confused and stop controlling him.

So make up your mind based off your feelings (not how he or anyone else feels) and then talk to him openly about it. Good luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Thank you so much for responding.

I have thought a lot about what exactly I feel about him watching porn. I feel threatened by it. I am afraid that he will want to watch it more and more, maybe not to the point of addiction but to think about him watching it daily definitely bothers me. I am afraid he will start to want it more than me, especially as I age (very young now, but won't be forever!). I am also afraid that he will like "them" (porn stars) more than me so I guess some of it is jealousy. I have no doubt that he is extremely attracted to me, I guess I just want to be the only one, as unrealistic as that is.

Before I met my husband, I was in a long term relationship. This man also watched porn, but it never bothered me...not a single bit! In fact, I used to feel sorry for women (and their men) who got so upset by porn...now I am one of them. But I didn't love that man like I love my husband...not even close. So I am confused by it :/.

You have given me a lot to think about, I appreciate it so much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
477 Posts
My take?? I find that it wouldn't bother me if my husband watched porn for 1 reason. I know that no matter what I am first (the most important woman) to him. No matter what I know that to him I could never be replaced. I'm irreplaceable.

I think the real problem for you is that you don't feel secure in your relationship hence the reason porn makes you feel threatened.

Talk to your husband about having this need met. I don't think you should control his viewing of porn. But there is definitely a need he isn't meeting that should be discussed.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,253 Posts
Sent you a PM.

It boils down to "why is porn more important to him than not hurting you?"
I have heard this one a few times on TAM and I'm not sure I agree with it. He is not forcing her to watch porn and would be happier doing it discreetly so as not to rub her nose in it.

Maybe the question should be why does he have to pay a price for her insecurities?

If we accept that porn is not morally wrong, as the OP does, then what justification does she have that he stop using it? She has stated that it doesn't affect their sex life, he is loving and attentive. So?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,162 Posts
The porn is not replacing our sex, we have sex at least once daily, I offer him bjs a few times a week in addition to our usual sex. We have a very active sex life so no problems there.



I don't want to be controlling.



I am so exhausted with being upset about this.



He is a wonderful husband and makes me feel special in every other way. Should I just try to be the bigger person and just hope that this pain will reside eventually?



I need help! I love my husband, my best friend. I want to do the best for him and put him first,

You are one of the lucky ones, because porn takes over in other relationships, and the sex stops.

You need to put more focus on yourself, take up a hobby that you enjoy............something............anything............to get your mind off what your hubs is doing in his spare time. As long as he still pays you plenty of attention, I don't see the issue. You do have to stop trying to control him, because it's not going to change him and what's doing. You need to work on yourself, not him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,374 Posts
He is not addicted, doesn't watch it more than a few times a week, no longer than a few minutes at a time "just to get the job done."
I assume you don't have any issues with him masturbating?

A lot of women masturbate using only their imagination to fantasize. Some women prefer reading erotica to help "get them in the mood" and aide their fantasies during masturbation. And a lot of men prefer having visuals instead of using their imaginations, especially boys who grew up with easy access to porn.

If that's his frequency, to me, it sounds like he just uses porn as a tool to masturbate and that's it. The women in porn do not mean to him what they mean to you. Consider the porn as a tool, like a vibrator, with no more meaning than that.

Have you considered making some porn with him? Maybe he'd prefer watching a video clip of you giving him a bj than some random anonymous people having sex. Of course, then you'd have to keep making more video clips for variety, but that could be FUN...:D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,370 Posts
Please answer these questions:

- What is your husband's field of work?
- How many hours a day is he NOT at home (does he work from home?)
- When you and your husband have a fight about porn, who ends up apologizing and making things right most of the time?

- What is your husband's relationship like with his mother (if still alive)? How do you feel about his relationship with his mother?

- Who is the more intellectual in your relationship? Who is the "know-it-all"? Is it you or your husband?


All these questions may seem unrelated, but they may not be at the end. I'm just trying to find out more about your husband.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
I have been in his shoes, so let me give you my take.
1. You mentioned "him looking at other naked women" There is a difference in looking at naked women and looking at porn. When I was watching porn, I wasn't looking at the naked woman, I was watching the situation, the scenario, the different angles and positions that I could try with my wife.
2. I loved it when my wife would watch it with me. But I would only watch regular love making scenes with her, what I watched in private was more intense.
3. Porn can become an addiction, why because like any drug it grows and grows, I know, it happened to me. First there were just pictures, then soft-core porn, then hard-core porn, then taboo porn, then forbidden porn. At each stage, you want to act out and not just view, Most of these stages, you are happy to do with your wife, but when it goes unchecked, then comes cheating and doing things you would never dream of doing. It will destroy you, your marriage, and your family.
4. The more you argue about it, the more he will hide from you. my advise is to sit down with him, be calm and softly ask him to show you what porn he watches, and after viewing it with him, ask him how can help portrait that scene for real, within your marriage.
5. Finally, just know this. MEN ARE SIMPLE, when it come to sex, it's all about conquering or checking off a list. such as:
Anal sex, check
Outdoor sex, check
threesome, check
public sex, check
etc. etc. etc
that's why we watch porn, we see activities that others are doing, and it gives us items to put on our checklists.
I am not addicted any longer, but I know how and why I was, Good luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
I applaud you for looking for help.
My opinion on your scenario:
* A guy that has sex once a day and STILL has the energy/time/desire to masturbate is, well... energetic! (I'm 42 so those days sadly are past! lol)
* You are extremely lucky that you have a man that is willing to be open and share with you his feelings about something so intimate. I know we men are SUPPOSED to be this open, but how many of us truly are? As others have said, I don't think you should shame him when he is being open with you. This is the fastest way to get him to shut down and start hiding his behavior or being secretive.
* As you've already started doing, figure out WHY his behavior bothers you. I think it's ok and encouraging for you to tell him that it bothers you, but ask for his help to figure out together WHY it bothers you.
* I'm no therapist, but in my opinion keep in mind our evolutionary background. We are attracted to females, period. Love and the emotional connection we can feel between us has nothing to do with a biological desire. Sure a guy can stop watching porn with willpower, for awhile. But just like telling a homosexual to stop desiring the same sex, it's not gonna last. It's part of who we are, it's biological. Do you want to deprive your man of something that gives him joy? He can't help it if you don't like it, and can't voice WHY you don't like it. That's for you to solve, and you're doing a great job by the way!!!
* The very fact that you're both willing to seek a solution shows me that you will get past this speed bump as a couple.
* You say that you NEVER say no to sex with him; are you initiating it sometimes too? You're not making him do all the work are you?

Please understand that I am just a regular guy offering my 2 cents.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,904 Posts
I have heard this one a few times on TAM and I'm not sure I agree with it. He is not forcing her to watch porn and would be happier doing it discreetly so as not to rub her nose in it.

Maybe the question should be why does he have to pay a priced for her insecurities?

If we accept that porn is not morally wrong, as the OP does, then what justification does she have that he stop using it? She has stated that it doesn't affect their sex life, he is loving and attentive. So?
Please don't feel that I am being judgemental or rude here -

I agree with the above. First of all, obviously deep down you do have a problem with porn or you would not have started the thread. That is OK, but own it and decide what you really want from your husband before you go pulling his chain about it.

Personally...I am a woman, and I watch porn myself and so does my husband. I have no problem with it. In fact I enjoy it and I feel that it spices up our sex life, because it gives us new ideas to try out in the bedroom. It has also broken down some barriers for us...things that he fantasizes about but feels to wierd to actually talk about and ask me for, we find a video for it - the other person watches the video and then you know what your other half fantasizes about. Some of the fantasies are brought to the bedroom, some are not, but we respect each others boundaries.

I don't view porn as cheating...I don't feel threatened by it. I have a hard time understanding the views of those who do feel that way. To me, it is the same as my husband playing grand theft auto - do I worry he's going to walk out the door and carjack somebody and start running over hookers in the street? No. Porn is just a movie to me...I don't worry about him going out and trying to find those girls in real life. It doesn't take away from our sex life, and I don't feel threatened that he still masturbates - I still do too, and I think its unnatural to expect him not too. I have a few vibrators, and my husband does not demand that I throw them away because I use them alone sometimes. I am not sure how I would react if he did, unless he was unhappy with the frequency of our sex life and had a legitimate complaint I would wonder how insecure he is to really think he could be replaced by a toy.

I think this stems from an insecurity, and that is something worth exploring on your own. In the end you have to make a decision about what you are comfortable with and where to draw the line in your narraige, but don't punish him for something that is purely a knee-jerk reaction stemming from your own insecurity.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,374 Posts
I think this stems from an insecurity, and that is something worth exploring on your own. In the end you have to make a decision about what you are comfortable with and where to draw the line in your narraige, but don't punish him for something that is purely a knee-jerk reaction stemming from your own insecurity.
Posted via Mobile Device
I think it comes from wanting to be "everything" to her man, and wanting to be the one who "satisfies" him completely. His masturbation to porn is making her feel like he is unsatisfied with her and "needs" more. That is creating insecurity. (I don't know if she'd also be insecure if he masturbated but did NOT use porn, just his imagination).

However, that is her perspective and not his perspective on it. He doesn't see it that way. He sees it as a tool for a quick masturbation session.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
156 Posts
Women can be 'threatened' by porn. More so the girls in porn... feeling that if their H's like watchig it, HE might like "that type" of girl ... I was just like you in my younger days and beginning of my marriage... I would freak out when my H went to bachelor parties... mostly it was my jealousy and insecurity.

Your trust and relationship is what you should hold on to. If you trust it is harmless entertainment and does not affect YOUR relationship, then it isn't too bad is it?

It's not taking over your life, nor is he trying to hide it. At least he is opening up to ask you if he can watch it. That is a clear sign of his respect for YOU.

Men are visual creatures. porn is an entertainment outlet that is visually based... I say if it is not hariming your relationship and is purely based on YOUR worries.. then my dear, you need to find it in yourself to KNOW you are the one there with him, not the porn stars... they are on TV... nothing more.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
42 Posts
You have not gotten many responses. Look at other threads and posts about porn. There are plenty of people that can support you other than saying "you are being controlling" or "its your problem"... because quite frankly you are not being controlling and the problem lies in BOTH of you, mainly because he does not compromise.

I personally do enjoy and watch porn, hentai etc. with my husband. However, whatever works for my relationship may not work for another. If my husband had a problem with porn and it was hurting him, I would give it up in a heart beat... and it would not hurt me a bit - because porn means nothing to me, my husband does! He would not even need to ask for me to give it up, I would do so willingly. I also happen to be aware that my husband would also consider anything that could ever hurt me. We are both reasonable people and trust each other to make good decisions and good judgement.

Your feelings do matter! Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, not even your husband.

So... about your situation I see a couple of things wrong. First, the fact that he is capable of hiding this from you at times. Second, the fact that he does not show care about your feelings concerning porn. These are really 2 major things. He should never hide the use of porn, and he should care enough about your feelings to compromise. He is calling you controlling when you are not. Don't allow him to do this and don't allow him to believe that you believe this. You are sharing your feelings and pain about something and that should matter to him enough to come up with a solution, even if that means giving it up.

He is not having to "pay a price" for your insecurities, that's absurd - at least not in that sense. Your feelings about porn are very understandable and legit, porn is not for everybody or every relationship as a whole.

Also, you say that he is not addicted to it, but he cannot seem to give it up. Sounds borderline addictive to me, if not all the way. It should be easy to give something up that one is not addicted to, especially if its hurting somebody that they love, for good reason.

Also, I should say that in my marriage we don't watch porn separately. We always do it together. Me and my husband never desire to watch porn apart from each other. It is really amazing to put a twist to our sex life at times by doing these things together and enjoying it together. We have both discussed things and this is what works for us, we just so happen to agree on everything. We did not just assume that porn would be acceptable, we talked and figured out what would work for our relationship specifically. We then started experimenting together and everything has always been great! Why? Because we considered each others feelings on the matter and made it clear that each other's feelings matter the most!

Like I said, read other threads about porn and find comfort in posts from other people who agree with you. Find answers in their input on things, because by the looks of it your relationship is not benefited by porn. Also, remember, you are NOT controlling! What you have described here in this thread does not make you controlling. Your husband only wants you to think that you are so that he can keep making it seem like you are the only one with issues here, when in all honesty HE has got some issues not to consider your pain and try to give you understanding. And lastly, remember that it is not ok for him to hide porn from you, no matter the reason. Hiding is not cool. If he wants to protect your feelings he should stop.

Good luck and you are more than welcome to PM me.

PS. It does not matter that he would be ok with you wanting porn. This does not change the fact that if he loves you it should be easy for him to compromise, that is, if he is really not addicted.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
42 Posts
Also, I forgot to say that maybe you should try and see if you could ever like porn. Maybe you have just been concerned of it hurting you, rather than the possibility of you enjoying it yourself.

Do you like porn, or hate it? Or, are you just against him looking at other women in it?

These are things to think about because maybe you can find yourself adventuring with your husband when it comes to porn.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
167 Posts
Either you have to change for him (be ok with him watching porn) or he has to change for you (stop watching porn). Not sure there is a middle ground on this one from what you have written. Changing others is difficult and changing yourself can also be difficult. Good luck to the 2 of you!
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
271 Posts
My husband watched porn off and on in the beginning of our relationship then something changed and it then replaced him being intimate with me. That's when my view of porn in a relationship changed. It took him a while to see what was happening to us as a couple he was in denial about it for months (I was lucky to get physical contact once a week during this time but he thought it was way more than that so of course I was wrong and crazy) but he finally did and it was a struggle but he gave up porn and he hasn't viewed any in almost a year. I had to be very supportive and non judgemental about what he was going through, I didn't bring it up I waited for him to want to talk to me never forcing the conversation one way or the other. Once the porn was gone and he opened up to me more about why he was viewing it so much things did get better, especially the sex. Sex while he was viewing porn was good at the once a week I was able to get it but after with no porn was amazing. He even commented first on how hard he was and being able to maintain an election longer

He now uses home movies we make if I'm unavailable, is that an option for you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,316 Posts
I can see both sides of this issue. I have no problem with masturbating, but doing it to porn would bother me. Maybe that isn't rational, but I see the difference as having general fantasies vs. seeing actual women being used for their holes.

He said that he wouldn't mind if you masturbated to porn. I wonder if this is true. I would try it, and then maybe he can understand how you feel about putting your sexual energy into something besides him.
 
1 - 20 of 38 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top