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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,


I'm hoping to do what others have done on this forum, and write a bit everyday to help get me through. All your responses are very much appreciated.

I'll have to figure out how to link to my past threads so I don't have to give my whole story. I've lost some of my threads and so this is my attempt to keep something going.

And I wonder, off the bat, what concerns to people have about their ex's getting on here and finding their threads? I guess an anonymous name helps, which I have, but not anonymous enough.

In short, though, I'm coming up on the 3 month mark since my H announced "I don't want to live with you anymore" which meant he's done with the marriage. We've been married 6 years, together 9, with a just turned 7 year old.

Apparently he's been thinking about this for a long time, despite the fact we were trying for 8 months to get pregnant with our second. I was pregnant in April and miscarried in July.

The biggest obstacles or anxieties for me are:

- the sheer nightmare of waking up realizing my whole life is changing, and that he's really gone. The shock of it is still so strong

- not having any real explanation from him, just a dozen different excuses that are harsh and hurtful, like it's because of my "grumpy disposition."

- the fact that he's involved things like a business we were going to start together (he's starting it with someone else) and if that weren't enough, the person he's starting it with is(was) a mutual friend who he told me he has a "relationship on the table" with...he also called it an emotional affair

- the way he's acted since the announcement - showing up late to pick up our daughter, trying to take things from the house that are both of ours without asking, asking me to come get our daughter form his house when he's in the middle of hosting a party...just careless and disrespectful to me

- the horror, really, of realizing he is such a different person than i thought, and how am i going to continue to engage with him for our daughter. this is a small community and i don't want to have to see him around everywhere, with other "friends".

- it feels so adolescent of me, but just the absolute insult to myself, to our life together, to all the effort i've put into trying to make a life with him. it is SO personal. when he announced the split i tried for over a month to tell him that i believe in us, and that we can solve so many of our issues, and that i love him and want to move forward.

He is just so done, it's shocking. I know a lot of us say that here. How can they be so callous? And how can they have "faked" being in the relationship for as long as they say...months, years...it seems so immoral to me. Well, I think it'd be impossible to do.

I will write again soon. Thanks for your thoughts.
 

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Sounds like you need to put your foot down-especially when it comes to disrespecting you.I tried to be nice to my ex for the sake of my kids after the divorce and it seemed like I was always getting the short end of the stick and she continued to be nasty.After I got tough with her my life has been better ever since and doing the 180 has helped me get on with my life.The search for answers about what went wrong I know is mind boggling but looking at the person now do you really care? I know when I look at my ex now all I see is toxic waste.
 

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lucy. Get yourself a good lawyer, file for adultery, and clean him out. He seems like a shelfish guy, who, even at this delicate time, is disrespecting you.
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Has anyone ever written their ex, soon to be, whatever, a hate letter? Does it feel really great to get it all out and send it and not care, or did you regret it?

Today I spent half the day (of my mindless job) composing a letter full of all the things I need to say, lots of reasonable questions but okay, some sarcasm, some real bitter stuff too.

Then I spent the other half thinking of all the good things about him, and how I could suggest that down the road, he and I meet to talk and even, with the help of a counsellor, heal together, like, talk about why the marriage ended, hear and acknowledge each others' frustrations. As if he'd agree to it, he's so done, but call it a fantasy.

How can I have both of these ideas in my head at the same time? How can I be so hurt and angry and still know that I care about him. It just doesn't make sense to me, the way he's gone about this, if he actually wants to have a positive co-parenting relationship in the future.

He's all business with me, but I know he's partying with new friends and perhaps sleeping around and I can't understand how he could have turned his back on my and our daughter. No matter how long he wanted to get out.

What is it that makes people want out of a relationship, and then get out without even talking to their partner about it first. Like, maybe there's something we can do about this? Work together, honour our vows? I'm a pretty creative person and I have my issues, for sure but I was willing to keep trying. And trying.

And he's rubbing my face in the fact that he can't wait to be in another relationship, which of course will be so much better than ours because... (sarcasm)

How do I co-parent with this guy? I can't even look him in the eyes, and I want to resist every reasonable thing he asks for and tantrum like a baby. My brain can't seem to accept and my heart isn't ready to move on.

What do I do with this awful in-between state of things?
 

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This I do know, in a lot of cases a person doesn't just wake up on whim thinking today I'm breaking off my marriage.By the time one partner tells the other were done they have usually made up their mind a long time ago and have gone through the grieving process hence their apparent indifference.I cannot say this is true for narccistic types and whatnnot but as rule it is.By the sounds of it you want to reconcile -you truly need to do the180-appearing needy will not help.If it comes to a point where the other half is willing to go to marriage counseling then you can address some of the issues you have brought up otherwise I would definitely say do not send him a letter and do not let him walk away with your self esteem in the process.
 

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Oh and when it comes to coparenting it is truly best just to email I know all this may sound harsh but you really have to try and get on with your life if the other half is not making the effort.
 

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Lucy -- I have tried to keep up with your story since you first came here. I remember how hard you tried to be faithful and loving, and to leave the door open. To try everything possible to show your love to him, and your faith that your marriage could be saved, even to the point of meeting the people in the house he was moving to. I'm so sorry that this is the way it's ended up.

Are you seeing a therapist or counselor at all? Do you have any friends IRL that you can talk to, who might even know him? I don't know if you're having problems with anxiety or sleeping (too much or too little), things like that, but they're very common, and perhaps a doctor may be able to give you something to help for the short term.

I know it was suggested in the beginning, but really the best thing for you to do now is to start your own detachment process from him. If you want to write the hate letter, do it. But I wouldn't send it. What do you really hope it would accomplish for your situation? He'll know how you feel, yes, but he'll also have more ammunition to prove it's your 'grumpy disposition' that was at fault. See what I mean? Get it out of your system for sure, but write it in a word document and just save it, or write it out in a journal.

The way he's treating you now is a reflection of who he truly is -- NOW. And that person with all of his rudeness, disrespect, etc., is the person you'd be going to end-of-marriage counseling with. Do you honestly thing you'd get any sense of closure? Do you think what he would say would be an accurate representation of what your life together was really like? Or what he's come to believe to justify leaving you?

As gulfwarvet said, he began the detach process before he even told you he wanted to split. He had a big head start on you, especially since you spent more time afterwards fighting for him.

How close is he currently with your daughter? If I remember correctly, he was not seeing her very regularly there for a while. If he were to relinquish custody, or give his permission to do so, would you consider moving someplace else? It would allow you to have a new place to start over. Having scheduled visits with her dad in that scenario might not be much different from what's going on now, I don't know.

I don't want this to sound harsh to you, Lucy, because I went through these same very strong feelings, but, a big reason the shock and pain are still so strong for you is that you're allowing it to stay strong. It happened, you can't change it, it sucks big time, but at this point, you have to start thinking of his leaving the way you would think of an earthquake or some other natural disaster. What would you do in a case like that? Sure, you'd go through the normal feelings of shock, loss, grief, etc., but at some point, there comes acceptance that there's no going back to life 'before.' It's about building new with what's left. That's you and your daughter. He sounds incredibly self-centered, so he can take care of himself. Let the anger you feel towards him propel you forward.

Unfortunately, as with many of us here on TAM, you may never get a full, accurate, honest answer to the question 'WHY?' The most important thing to remember is this: He chose this, without your agreement, knowing it would hurt you and your daughter. That's all you need to remember when you need to get pissed again and fight against the control he still has over your life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
@gulfwarvet...thank you. I have been using email exclusively, except texts in some cases like "I'll be there in 5 minutes", for coordinating about childcare. But recently I've let the emails get emotional. Like when he says he doesn't have money for gas in the car that we're still sharing, but he does have money to go out multiple times in a week.

@angelpixie, it warms me to know you've been following along. thank you for your thoughtful response.

I wish I could just feel angry and hurt enough to close the door and walk away. He is self-centered but it's not all bad - and how it rips at my heart to think of the things he did that were considerate. How can he have done those things, right up to the end, when he had clearly made up his mind long before that he wasn't really committed?

I am having SUCH a hard time letting go. How do I do this? I am waking up feeling haunted by images of the good times, of our arguments, of the possibility that he's with another (or more than one) person sexually already.

I am seeing a counsellor, two actually, and the one today was harsh with me too. Like, when someone says NO, they mean it, so you have to move on.

BUt seriously, HOW do I move on? I'm literally feeling like life is a waking nightmare. In this small town, around every corner I'm afraid to run into him and one of his new friends. The life I thought we were going to live, here, is taunting me -- all our dreams (which maybe weren't his dreams, as he's been lying to me for so long) and plans were going to be here. We've only lived here a year.

So angel, I do think about moving. All the time. But do I want that drama in my life - his anger and that of his whole family, maybe even some friends who I might lose over it - for the next 12 years, until our daughter is an adult? Maybe it's worth it. I certainly can't see how I can stay here and just get on with anything.

I'm also hoping time will help. We've decided I have until the end of June in this house, where he's paying the rent. I'm paying all other expenses for my daughter and myself - I work a very basic job due to the fact that we just relocated and I've been mostly at home with our daughter. I'm planning to go back to school in the next year - was already planning this but waiting for things to calm down a little. What a joke!

God, life feels like absolute torture right now. And if only I could just hate him and be done with it. I want to understand, I still care about "him" (even if it's not the way he is acting right now) the way he has been at times and I thought we could get to a better place together with some counselling help.

It's not even that I can't accept that we're done, or even hope that we would get back together now, but actually how to just physically and emotionally rebuild my life. I thought I was a strong person but this feels like it has the potential to wreck me.

Please someone tell me what my problem is! I fear I am letting him take my self-esteem with him...and I guess that's what the hate letter would be about. Letting him know what a horrible person he is and hoping he suffers and feels guilty forever. Because that's actually what I wish right now.
 

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Lucy -

Read through your thread tonight, Jesus God, I'm so sorry, and your inner torment sounds so similar to mine. These people on TAM that are able to read a couple of self-help books and drink the purple kool-aid and a few days later are dating and running marathons and MOVING ON absolutely amaze me.

All day long my thoughts are on her and us sitting in a bistro laughing and us snuggled in bed in the pre-dawn sipping coffee and talking about our hopes and dreams as our baby snores softly next to us and my rubbing my shaving cream on her face and her complaining because I left the toilet seat up.

Omigod, would rather take a bullet than go through this.
 

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You have to understand the grieving process and you will come to terms with why you feel the way you do.Shock-denial-sadness-anger-acceptance-hope are some of the feelings one goes through and it goes in stages.My own thoughts are accept the fact your going through this grieving process and don't feel conflicted about it.Time heals alls wounds is the old cliche and I think there is a lot of truth to it. I have had a lot of thoughts,feelings,and sentiments you people are expressing here but 1 year later I have felt my feelings subside towards my ex and can look back every so often and see I'm drifting more and more towards indifference.
 

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I know 'exactly' how you feel and what your going through. I dwelled so much on the 'whys' and the hope and having to run into him at work etc...I was clinically depressed. I got physically ill...I mean it never lifted from me (the physical part) until very recently.

As for the mental anguish...it does run it's course but you have to reeeeaaaallly want out of it. I went to the doctor because I knew I was spiraling down fast...and got into counseling and groups. I mean my situation really messed with my head...and as for self esteem...girl...he robbed me of that 3 years ago...

I learned about codependency ...and took the control back where I could. I went weeks of being really strong as I had an important goal to accomplish...one that would aid in my healing...once accomplished...I crumbled...it hit me like a ton of bricks...this life change...
I dunno if you are in counseling...if not go. I do suggest you for sure look into medication to help with your slump...if your on something maybe a dosage change or a change altogether... I had to use a combination of things....the counseling ...TAM...meds...writing...a lot of movie watching to rest my brain ...to get through the 'ill' beginning of my break up.

Most of all you have to want to survive. You have to realize that one man...is not worth your well being...you find survival skills to cope...
Find your combo...and will to survive...one minute at a time...

I cannot tell you pain will subside fast...that would be too ez...
None of this is going to be ez.

Lean on the people here...every day all the time...someone will always answer...and wipe away your tears...and encourage you...

...and sometimes they will slap you up into reality...and those hurt...but dam...it got me outta bed when all I wanted to do was roll over and die. :')

...and now on occasion I gently yet firmly slap others... ;)

You see unless we embrace what is happening and work with what we can...we will never heal... We help each other embrace...heal and move on...and because we are human...we falter...but then we get back up....

Don't you dare let this 'wreck' you. Decide now...your not going to let that happen...and then start living...
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Yep, I can take being slapped. I know I need it from tiime to time!

Today was really hard. I'm feeling more emotional that I have been for a few days...which means REALLY emotional! Got given a "warning" at work for not focusing, had to deal with my daughter being rude to a friend, and felt generally pretty grumpy and short-tempered.


How do people out there with kids do it? Keep positive and focused for the kids? I am enjoying some really strong closeness with my daughter the last couple weeks expecially (she's 7) but sometimes I'm just so irritated by the whole situation - being the only real parent present, as her dad sees her once or twice a week and only for "fun" stuff, or she plays with the daughter of his roommates. But I don't want to let her be with him more, either. It's a trap for me but I also know I'm choosing it - choosing more time with her over "fairness" with him.

There's nothing fair about this.

I'm just struggling on so many levels...all the old music I used to listen to sounds horrible, even new places and things I did in the early stages of our separation (at almost 3 months now, am I past the early stage?) are tainted by the sting of gross break-up energy...

I am doing completely NC to the point of being ridiculous or even unfair to our daughter...well, I'd rather in an ideal world that we could do the "switch" both together, but I can't look at him, don't want to see him because for some reason I still get a flip in my stomach and know I'm attracted to him. So I just ignore him. We text for some stuff, email for others.

How do I get over this? I want the things that we wanted and talked about together...I can't handle the thought of him with someone else doing them. I KNOW in the rational part of my brain, and even in my heart, that it's ridiculous to want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. But he's assumed so many things about me that aren't true, and not communicated to me what he was really needing in the relationship.

Plus in trying to think positively about the future, and being with someone else and maybe even having another family (I'm 33, still want more kids I think, was pregnant and miscarried earlier this year), I get so hung up on wondering how my daughter will be doing through all that, shuttled between two homes, and how little I'll know about what's going on with her dad.

I can't seem to let go of the good memories and the potential we had...

And I feel really badly about myself even though I know I shouldn't. Like I've failed him. Why am I so damn willing to treat him like he's the one who deserves sympathy? He's been a jerk about so much of this and truly isn't someone I'd want to be hangin out with right now. I just can't understand how he could be so ready to jump out of our marriage, out of family life that I didn't think he was so opposed to, right into the single life, hanging out, partying, hosting parties, making new friends, and for all I know sleeping around. Isn't that a shock to him? And why the fvck do I care?

I just wish I could wipe him out completely, and right now I don't even think my daughter would be worse off for it. It's like he died and took all our dreams with him. Or maybe they were just my dreams but still. WTF.

I'm going to look over the 180 again. I'm obviously still emotionally hooked in, but I'm losing some of the steam I had for reaching out and trying to connect with people. This town is too small.

And can someone give me a short summary of co-dependency? Maybe this was us? Like, why would he have stayed with me for so long if he was unhappy? He said it's been years but we've been planning life, trying for a baby, etc. all through those years.

If only I could just be angry and slam the door back in his face instead of still thinking there are good things about him and that I'm willing to forgive him. Of course lots would have to change but who says people can't change?

And I am thinking about leaving town but then there's likely no chance we'll get back together.

Can anyone see some blaring message I should be getting here that I can't see? Help help me.
 

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I know 'exactly' how you feel and what your going through. I dwelled so much on the 'whys' and the hope and having to run into him at work etc...I was clinically depressed. I got physically ill...I mean it never lifted from me (the physical part) until very recently.

As for the mental anguish...it does run it's course but you have to reeeeaaaallly want out of it. I went to the doctor because I knew I was spiraling down fast...and got into counseling and groups. I mean my situation really messed with my head...and as for self esteem...girl...he robbed me of that 3 years ago...

I learned about codependency ...and took the control back where I could. I went weeks of being really strong as I had an important goal to accomplish...one that would aid in my healing...once accomplished...I crumbled...it hit me like a ton of bricks...this life change...
I dunno if you are in counseling...if not go. I do suggest you for sure look into medication to help with your slump...if your on something maybe a dosage change or a change altogether... I had to use a combination of things....the counseling ...TAM...meds...writing...a lot of movie watching to rest my brain ...to get through the 'ill' beginning of my break up.

Most of all you have to want to survive. You have to realize that one man...is not worth your well being...you find survival skills to cope...
Find your combo...and will to survive...one minute at a time...

I cannot tell you pain will subside fast...that would be too ez...
None of this is going to be ez.

Lean on the people here...every day all the time...someone will always answer...and wipe away your tears...and encourage you...

...and sometimes they will slap you up into reality...and those hurt...but dam...it got me outta bed when all I wanted to do was roll over and die. :')

...and now on occasion I gently yet firmly slap others... ;)

You see unless we embrace what is happening and work with what we can...we will never heal... We help each other embrace...heal and move on...and because we are human...we falter...but then we get back up....

Don't you dare let this 'wreck' you. Decide now...your not going to let that happen...and then start living...
been trying to help...

also read the book 'codependancy no more'...
 

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Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Melody Beattie: 9780894864025: Amazon.com: Books

You can find this in many libraries, Lucy, and there are used copies online for just a few dollars.

Lucy, in the beginning I could have written a lot of what you just wrote. I couldn't bear to think of him with someone else. We went through so much crap in our marriage. I wanted to get to the point when we could relax a little and get to do the things we enjoyed together and planned together. We had a miscarriage, too, though a couple of years before the end. I lost my mom a few months before he initiated the split.

As it became clearer and clearer that it was over, I eventually had to make a decision that I was going to break away from him, even though he was the one that started the split. I knew I had to keep living, if for nothing else than for my son. NearlyEx did spend a lot more time with our son, but he is on disability for depression, and I do not know what will happen with him in the future. I decided I had to make sure DS had at least one healthy parent. That's what got me out the door. It has been by no means a quick or easy process.

You mentioned music. Music played a huge part in our relationship. There was a crap ton of music I felt I couldn't listen to because it brought up memories, good and bad. But that included music I loved before I ever met him, and shared with him later. It finally hit me one day that I'd have very little left in my life if I allowed him to taint it or take it all away from me. So, I started purposely listening to that music. Over and over and over again. Made myself cry. Didn't allow myself to run away from the memories. Until those things didn't bother me anymore, and all that was left was the music. I have that back again. I've done that with some movies. Still haven't done them all yet, though, even now.

I had to see him start spending time with other women. Pics of him nuzzling on Facebook, seeing him standing outside of a bar with a group of friends with a girl leaning on him. Finally knowing he definitely started a relationship with the last EA he had when we were together. Dealing with her in my house. Walking past our open bedroom door, seeing her lingerie on 'my' side of 'our' bed, on linens I got and hand-embellished for our last anniversary together. Those things are gut-wrenching. I never want to go through that again. But in the end, having it shoved in my face made me deal with it. I had to get desensitized to it. It didn't go away. My son still spends half of his time there, so I have to see them together. I could request that we do drop-offs and pick-ups at our local center that facilitates no-contact, but the main reason is because of me not dealing with things, not because NearlyEx is violent or anything like that. He's a royal d!ck, but it's up to me how I react to him. Every time I deal with him and get through it, his power over me diminishes.

That's how it can be with you, too, Lucy. It's not going to be easy, nobody's telling you that. But it can be done. You are young, you've got so much life ahead of you. This might sound simplistic, but think of the way allergy shots work. You're exposed, in increasing doses, to the very thing you're allergic to, so that your own immune system can get stronger and not be triggered into an allergic reaction. That's what you're working towards with him.

I know it doesn't seem like it could ever happen, but it can. I've just crossed over that threshhold. And I never thought it could happen. My divorce is on Feb. 14th. I don't know if I'll cry in court. I do know that I can definitely, honestly say that our marriage is irretrievably broken -- because that man that I thought I was marrying, is gone. I may grieve that the things I wanted so deeply will never happen.

But, in order to live, I HAVE to let that go. And choose to be alive NOW instead.
 

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I've been divorced for one year Feb21st.Finished the child custody 4 months ago,I found out my ex had a boyfriend at that time and it was like I got punched in the gut.I guess reality really hit me at that moment.My ex was very sentimental to me. I met her 5 months before I went to the gulf war (1990) and spent 8 months over there.During that time she wrote me and kept my spirits up-it was brutal.When my unit returned to the US the local police dept was there as we got off at our home base calling out names and handing out divorce summons. I had several friends who found out their wives hadn't remained faithful.We had one guy who didn't take it very well the military police disarmed him on the spot.But my then girlfriend was waiting for me with open arms and a year and half later we married.So letting go has been hard but truly I look at her now and she is so far removed from that young lady I loved all those years ago-I think this happens in a lot cases.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
It's like I just can't settle on how to feel . I'm up at night going over scenarios, and occasionally my mind and will is strong enough to stop them. The what ifs, the "how should i act now in case he decides to try again," and hardest being just the sheer shock of it all, the things he said right up to the end that sounded like he wanted to make plans together. Am I angry? Hurt? Glad? To accept one version of things would be so much easier.

He picked my daughter up this morning. I'm borderline (ok, maybe flat out) rude to him, because I ask him time and again to just stay outside, I'll get her ready and send her out. I'm trying NC but this seems to be as close as it can get. Then he still comes in, knocks first then opens the door and I DON"T WANT TO SEE YOU! Can't he get that through his head?

Am I just being immature? Please be harsh with me. Or gentle, or both. I feel like he'll be justifying his decision to leave me even more, seeing me act in this way. Like he can't even put two and two together to see that I'm hurt.

What am I waiting for? Something from him that will change how I react? I can't think of a single thing that would. But I don't really want to have a ****ty co-parenting relationship with him. But maybe we never will have a "good" relationship in that way. I feel like I'll never forgive him (unless he comes back and says he wants to work things out, change what wasn't working, etc. - and even then it feels like a stretch now).

Actually I think I want him to acknowledge my hurt. In a big way. And apologize. And tell me the things he did that contributed to the demise. That would all help.

The only thing I can imagine doing to move on is MOVE, out of town. And the thought of that exhausts me on every level right now.

So it's like treading water in really, really thick sludge. Every day feels like a challenge. I just want life to get better and I want to feel supported and respected and I seriously need some affection, too. That wasn't happening with him, so good riddance, right? It's getting to the other side of this gulf that feels just awful.

Tell me I shouldn't write another letter that tells him all the things I wasn't happy with? He should know, because I think now he's got it in his head that it's all me. I want to hear something from him but I don't know exactly what and I don't know if it would even help. My heart feels irreparably broken, at least as far as he and his role in my life is concerned.

Thanks for listening out there. I'm going to keep writing this for myself, too - it feels better than a journal that no one sees. Peace.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
@angel - thanks, as always. I think in the way I'm going over scenarios in my head, imagining him moving on so smoothly and being so ****ing social in this town, it's like I'm trying to immunize myself. Eventually it won't be so painful to imagine if I've practices it in my head a million time, right? Except it doesn't seem to be working, just torturing myself.

And I wish I could say that the person I married is gone, but I know he's still there, I can see it, and I still have this damn compassion in me for his struggles, for the reasons I think he's left (re: transgender issues, I have a longer post about this somewhere but don't know how to connect it). Damn this compassion! I just want to hate him and be done. But I can't and also know, long term, I don't want to. THAT's the torture. He and I shared a lot of good stuff, and he has been supportive in the past. But I guess he's changed? The how and why is beyond me at this point, though.
 
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