[EleGirl]

If you still want to try to recover your marriage it’s ok. It’s your life, your marriage and your family. You make that decision. Some here will give you hell for even contemplating it. But if you want to give it a try then do. But do it wisely.

I suggest a two prong plan.

Things to consider:

1) OM is going to dump your wife here soon. She will be too much of a burden for him. That infatuation goes out the window once the responsibilities of real life hit the affair.

2) Your wife and you will most likely stay in your home until the divorce is final. It is both of your legal residence. Neither of you can kick the other out until there is a court order for one of you to move. This means that you have an advantage.. she’s there with you every day.

3) Remember that a divorce can be stopped at any time before a judge signs the final decree. But if you file based on adultery, then take her back and cancel the divorce, then you cannot use this particular instance of adultery again as basis for a divorce in the future. {It’s all complicated and mind boggling, I know.} So ask your attorney about this and/or research on line how the court looks at it if you re-establish your relationship (especially sexual) after you found out about the affair.

So you can pursue divorce and reconciliation. File for divorce. And then work on being a better you around her. Also read the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. The book talks about a Plan A and a Plan B.

Plan A is what you do when you are trying to get the WS to end the affair and commit to marital recovery. Most BS can only do this for a couple of weeks. I think that this is where you are at. Once the OM is gone, you have a much better chance of getting through to her that she’s made a huge mistake and to get her to end the affair. The book goes into detail on what you can do to influence her to end the affair. And then what to do if she agrees to reconciliation (and of course if you want to reconcile by the time she sees the light.)

Plan B is what you do when the WS continues the affair… it’s basically the BS starts to move on as their love for the WS dies.

There is good info in the book. More than can be covered on a forum.

 

[Thor]

Plan A is death to a Nice Guy. And I think the OP is a Really Nice Guy.

Plan A is very very short term. Don't get sucked into it!

Ele brings up a point about how the law looks at things if you reestablish a relationship with her. Sex with her could constitute forgiveness for her adultery, at least in the eyes of the law. Because adultery is a factor in your state for divorce settlements, DO NOT HAVE SEX with her if there is any chance you will divorce her.

 

[weightlifter]

I would never in my life thought nj would have any consideration for adultry.

 

[lisab0105]

I would never in my life thought nj would have any consideration for adultry.

See, Jersey's good for something.
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[weightlifter]

In nj Isnt it 18 months for divorce tho? No matter what.

 

[3putt]

In nj Isnt it 18 months for divorce tho? No matter what.

No, that's for no fault. Adultery is no time limit.

 

[Mr Blunt]

Ataloss

At this time your wife is way too far gone, she is very deep into the fog. In addition, she pursued the OM and made a conscience decision to betray you, her child, and her parents. On top of all that when you and her parents tried to help her out of her fog she took the other man’s side. That is a very gigantic demonstration of a very damaged woman!

Maybe there are people that can mend this type of a situation and make a marriage work but I think the chances are slim to none and slim may have left the building.

I would suggest that you get any and all the help you can so that you can build yourself up and STOP allowing your mind and emotions to be so consumed by your wife. I know that is a tall order but if you are going to get through this then you have no choice; you have to fight like hell for yourself. She has set this up so that it is either you or her right now; this is now the survival of the fittest. She is not one bit remorseful and you better make a decision so that the added anguish of indecision does not weigh you down even more.

Your biggest obstacle to you getting better and not worse are for you to continue to allow your emotions and thoughts to be molested by your wife. She has already betrayed you and your child in such a selfish heartless way; do not let her continue to destroy you.

Several of the posts that are on this forum tell of the WS being jarred out of their fog at least a little bit once they have the spouse, family, or child confront them. Your wife did not and is very adamant about her decision to choose the OM over you, her child, ad her parents. I know the choice is yours to make but I think there is a better chance of you winning the lottery than saving a marriage to a satisfactory degree.

I would suggest that you write her off completely and get busy setting up your legal win in the areas of your child and your finances. ALL your attention should be in this area along with you doing everything to build yourself up and have nothing to do with your wife in thought and actions. She is way to far gone for you to gamble on having a satifactory marriage with her IMO

I usually look for ways to R but with this one so far at this time I see none. Hope someone proves me wrong.

 

[ThePheonix]

Maybe there are people that can mend this type of a situation and make a marriage work

I think "making a marriage work" is pretty much nonsense. My last marriage has worked for 20 years and I haven't had to make that happen. It just does. If I had to toil and struggle to stay married, I'd be better single. Marriage is suppose to be pleasurable, not living in agony and struggling everyday to maintain that lifestyle..

In this story, its clear that the wife doesn't love the husband. Him putting up with this vampire just to stay married to her is beyond my comprehension. If I was in my early thirties like he claims to be, most of my stress would come from trying to decide whether I was spending the next weekend, with Susan, Linda, Heather, Sheila, or Sandra.

 

[crossbar]

Okay, If you go along the lines of what Elegirl said with the one party wire tap law, then here's what you do. When you place the RO and start rocking their world, anytime your phone rings and it's your wife, let it go to voicemail. EVERYTIME!!!

When she leaves a message for you; in order for her to do that, she has to wait for the beep then talk. But, she KNOWS she's being recorded. So, you're not breaking any laws. Save all recordings! She may go ballistic and threaten you, threaten to take your son away from you, humiliate you....and it's all legally recorded.

 

[carmen ohio]

I'd recommend keeping the paying tenant and getting rid of the problem wife.

Best one-liner of the day. :smthumbup:

 

[Nucking Futs]

Okay, If you go along the lines of what Elegirl said with the one party wire tap law, then here's what you do. When you place the RO and start rocking their world, anytime your phone rings and it's your wife, let it go to voicemail. EVERYTIME!!!

When she leaves a message for you; in order for her to do that, she has to wait for the beep then talk. But, she KNOWS she's being recorded. So, you're not breaking any laws. Save all recordings! She may go ballistic and threaten you, threaten to take your son away from you, humiliate you....and it's all legally recorded.

The whole point of it being a one party consent state is that you don't have to jump through these hoops. As long as you are part of the conversation you can legally record it and use it in court without notifying anybody else involved in the conversation that they are being recorded.

 

[PBear]

Okay, If you go along the lines of what Elegirl said with the one party wire tap law, then here's what you do. When you place the RO and start rocking their world, anytime your phone rings and it's your wife, let it go to voicemail. EVERYTIME!!!

When she leaves a message for you; in order for her to do that, she has to wait for the beep then talk. But, she KNOWS she's being recorded. So, you're not breaking any laws. Save all recordings! She may go ballistic and threaten you, threaten to take your son away from you, humiliate you....and it's all legally recorded.

One party recording means that only one person needs to know they're being recorded and consents to it. Presumably, if you're recording a conversation with someone else, you consent to being recorded. So it doesn't matter if the other person knows or not.

C

 

[LonelyinLove]

Be strong brother.
Show your old lady how confident you are even if your not.
She has to see you moving forward with strenght...see the more positive you and start cutting her off both finacially and emotionaly she just might start to second guess her choices.

See you surely can't compete with new love but you definatly don't have to lay down, stop showering and crumble...

In fact now is the time to do the oppisite, once the OM is out of the house it has to be you that goes out and let her stay home a be the baby sitter.

Go get some new clothes get a shave and a hair cut and the most important thing is to work out. Lifting helps a lot trust me!

Start looking good and you will start feeling good.

When I was going thru this crap my montra was "I diserve good things" I repeated that everytime the evil thoughts came into my head.

At the end of the day chicks dig confident men, donot let your old lady define you, and thank her for the "get out of jail free" card.

Even if you have to fake it ...smile, wish her the best and thank her for letting you go...then tell her " by the way I'm going out your watching the boy"

Then go shopping and get a hair cut.

The point here brother is do what *ever* you can to make her second guess her choices. She has to see her new reality that you will not be there for her....you have to force her into the OM arms

Its suck but there is no other way for the OM to get sick of her enless the OM has to deal with her. Sorry bro but now that the affair is out it just not that exciting any more. She will be putting up with the same sh1t put with a different guy.

Sorry my man but she is gone and the only way to get her back is for the OM to bail on her and for you to start looking better then ever before.

To all the other poster...don't give me any sh1t for trying to help this guy get his old lady back....I'm trying to help the man out here... so what!

Besides we all know how this works out in the end.. he works on him self, feels better for it, and in a year the regrettful WW wants her family back and wants OP to drop his new girl friend.

This! Do it.

There is a chance you may still R, but you need to set the bar real high.

 

[LongWalk]

This! Do it.

There is a chance you may still R, but you need to set the bar real high.

Agree. Take up Thai kick boxing or jujitsu, as well as weights. Your wife's ovaries took control. It's nature's message to you to get in shape and toughen up. Make certain that you do more than survive. It will be tough for a while. Shytty R is not desirable
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[TDSC60]

I am truly amazed at how many BS come here wanting the WS back. They do not realize that the one constant in life is change. It cannot be avoided. If they could only realize that the WS they think they want back is not the same person they married - they have changed - and not for the better. They cannot get the loving caring spouse back because that person is a fantasy - they no longer exit.

Good luck poster with whatever you plan to do.

 

[Thor]

See, Jersey's good for something.
Posted via Mobile Device

And great beaches!

My state, Utah, is one of the worst for alimony, and there is zero consideration of adultery. Weird that we're worse than NJ.

 

[crossbar]

One party recording means that only one person needs to know they're being recorded and consents to it. Presumably, if you're recording a conversation with someone else, you consent to being recorded. So it doesn't matter if the other person knows or not.

C

OPPS!!! Sorry! I misread the law. Paint me stupid....

 

[EleGirl]

Plan A is death to a Nice Guy. And I think the OP is a Really Nice Guy.

Plan A is very very short term. Don't get sucked into it!

Ele brings up a point about how the law looks at things if you reestablish a relationship with her. Sex with her could constitute forgiveness for her adultery, at least in the eyes of the law. Because adultery is a factor in your state for divorce settlements, DO NOT HAVE SEX with her if there is any chance you will divorce her.

It seems that a lot of people misunderstand Plan A. Its not about being a "nice guy". Its about being the best a person can be under the circumstances... for a short period of time.

Some BS's really what to reconcile. It works. So it can be worth a try.

 

[ThePheonix]

I am truly amazed at how many BS come here wanting the WS back.

Here's what I believe is true. The only way a BS is going to get a WS back is if the BS is doing something to cause the affair and is as willing to stop that activity and the WS is is only in the affair because of the BS activity.
Most often the WS has already lost romantic interest the BS before the affair starts. When that happens, they may reconcile to save the "marriage", kids, etc., but the soul of the marriage is gone. From that point on, one or both will feel trapped in a joyless and unfulfilled habitat and will always question their judgement to not divorce .

 

[EleGirl]

Here's what I believe is true. The only way a BS is going to get a WS back is if the BS is doing something to cause the affair and is as willing to stop that activity and the WS is is only in the affair because of the BS activity.
Most often the WS has already lost romantic interest the BS before the affair starts. When that happens, they may reconcile to save the "marriage", kids, etc., but the soul of the marriage is gone. From that point on, one or both will feel trapped in a joyless and unfulfilled habitat and will always question their judgement to not divorce .

The issue is whether or not the BS has done something that broke the marriage... such as working so many hours that the WS ends up feeling abandoned and unloved. Many good people have no clue about how to nurture a relationship and end up with spouses (also good people) who think that the marriage is over and they start to move on via affairs.

Often times the discovery of an affair is the wakeup call to fix the marriage. There is plenty of evidence out there that couple can repair a marriage, even after an affair, and go on to have a marriage that is better than what they had before.