Talk About Marriage banner
281 - 300 of 469 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,928 Posts
My sympathies for what happened with your wife. Can certainly understand why you want to divorce.

However....be VERY wary of someone who wants to get serious with a still married man, within a few hours of meeting them. That is not someone who shows good moral character or judgment.

YOU are also not in a good place to make rational decisions about a romantic life right now. You are still reeling from trauma of finding out your wife is cheating and not yet separated. Please don't complicate your life by allowing your wife to paint you as the cheater and take all your money and your child's respect. Would recommend you try IC
It helped me a lot after I separated from my XH and during the divorce. You need to process what you are going through and close the book on the marriage, heal fully THEN look at dating or you may find yourself with the same type of woman as your current wife.
@joannacroc Now you are in Italy! :giggle:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,062 Posts
However....be VERY wary of someone who wants to get serious with a still married man, within a few hours of meeting them. That is not someone who shows good moral character or judgment.
How likely is it that a person's future "soulmate" just happens to be waiting in a random bar in a foreign country? Right when the person is emotionally vulnerable. Personally this is way past moral character or judgement question. It is like a big red sign flashing "danger". It is like a guy who goes into a topless bar and becomes convinced that the dancer on stage is in love with him.

A person going through the trauma of infidelity and divorce must guard themselves from the myriad predators ready to take advantage of their vulnerability. How many long-married recently divorced women suddenly have all of the married male acquaintances ( husbands of their friends) coming out of the woodwork to "help"?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,062 Posts
It doesn't matter if it's not true or if you have evidence to the contrary, if she throws up enough mud at you, some of will stick in some people's eyes. (Maybe even your kid's eyes.) Sticking to the high road just prevents your soon-to-be-ex from having the opportunity to smear you.
The only thing will say, is his wife can and will throw mud even if OP is pure as the driven snow. Just read @Vaughan story of all the crap his wife has put him through, and SHE was the one doing multiple men. OP's ex is going to smear him no matter what. The reason to avoid some random stranger ( or even good "friends" ) of the opposite sex is to avoid being victimized a second time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,710 Posts
She basically agreed to my demands, but I don’t know how committed she is to adhering to the demands. I really, for the love of God, hope she really puts up an emotional wall. The main problem is that she works in a school setting and there’s literally nothing I can do to prevent the marriage from going down the drain. I really don’t know how emotionally invested she is in this guy. Every time I ask her things all I get from her is crying, defensiveness and blame shifting. It’s emotionally draining. I’m writing this from a beach overseas… everyone is happy and having a blast and I’m so miserable I would take the next flight back to the US and leave were I given a chance (tried but it’d cost me $3000).




She essentially agreed she royally messed up, that her actions are the same actions a cheater would take BUT keeps insisting she meant good and that the conversation was entirely about work (in July!) and nothing else. I basically asked her to stop punking me, TO RESPECT ME, that I am the father to her child and the one that put a roof over her head but all I get is crying and crickets. I asked her why she wouldn’t say anything about this meeting from Tuesday to Saturday and… she doesn’t know. A grown a** adult can’t answer a simple question. Unreal.

Should I confront the co-worker? I have his phone #.
Wonder what she would say to polygraph when you get back? They run $500 in Dallas area.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,161 Posts
OP so you've made the decision to divorce. If your wife isn't going to own up to what's going on then this is definitely a path to take to get out of this infidelity mess.

As for this woman you just met in a bar. You're still married and having an attitude of "well if my wife is messing around I can too" sounds like something a teenager would say and do. Cheating is cheating.

Also You're not thinking clearly here. For you to think nothing of a woman who you just met in a bar, spent two hours with having drinks, with most of those two hours spent with you sharing your story, how well could you really know her??

Yes you know that she gave you attention and showed some compassion to you, but how crazy would this woman have to be to just uproot her life and move from Chicago to Boston to be with a man (you) that she has no idea who you are?? And even worse you're ok with this??

Hopefully the buzz from the alcohol has worn off and you see how messed up this logic is. If not, and you follow through, than at the end of the day you'll be NO different then your wife. Both of you will be cheaters!! It doesn't matter if she's been doing it longer then you or with more people then you, at the end of the day cheating is cheating.

So if you want to go down that road go ahead but you'll deserve everything that you have coming to you and then you'll find yourself back here on TAM (or some other forum on the internet) whining about what a woman has done to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Wow, Fast Thread ! in 39 posts you have went from, " I think my Wife may be cheating "
to " I'm convinced my Wife is cheating and will be Divorcing her, and I already have her replacement lined up "
I agree with all who have posted, your wife's behaviour has Red Flags all over it.
But with a long term Marriage and Children involved and Huge Financial implications, Don't you think you deserve the truth first.
Good Luck 👍
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,062 Posts
We dont know what added info OP has received. Or processing past events he has more clarity than ever before. And his STBXW wont answer his questions. So filing divorce papers is IMO appropriate. No reason to stew about it. If she wants to stop the process she can try, but doubt she wants to. She is a trained psychologist, expert at manipulating people. OP and OM for example.

The ONLY thing I believe he is doing wrong is trying to mount a new mare before the old one is gone from his stable.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,273 Posts
1. If the trust is gone in the marriage, calling it quits is a very logical way forward. It typically doesn't pay to continue to sink resources into a losing enterprise. So going forward with the divorce is probably a much better idea that trying to play detective and compiling more evidence.

2. It sounds like you're a pretty well-off guy financially. Economically you're going to take a big hit. My sympathies on that.

3. I'd really caution you on getting involved with anyone else at this point. Even though you seem like an intelligent guy, you're human and you may not make the best choices at this point. Also, I'd point out that it gives your soon-to-be ex-wife an opportunity to create a false narrative. She may concoct a story saying that you had a secret Peruvian honey on the side, and you decided to throw your wife to the curb and create a false accusation about her cheating. It doesn't matter if it's not true or if you have evidence to the contrary, if she throws up enough mud at you, some of will stick in some people's eyes. (Maybe even your kid's eyes.) Sticking to the high road just prevents your soon-to-be-ex from having the opportunity to smear you.
There's almost 8 billion people on this planet. There are countless women out there, many even BETTER than your Peruvian woman. Timing is everything, bro, you can keep it zipped for a little while if you keep the big picture in mind. After you cross into the safe zone, you can go wild.



3.
Agreed and almost certainly better than some woman who hangs around in bars and picks up married men.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,014 Posts
I think the realization that not only is his WW in a secretive affair now, but it is likely she has had more through the years has crushed him. He wants to stop wasting time and not lose anymore years, months or days.

He also understands that her profession and possibly the school she works in is a hothouse for affairs and even if he comes back from this one there may be more.

Another question is why his wife would not only allow others at the table to treat him like a non person, but do so herself. It strongly suggests his wife is more invested in her school social cliques then him.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
32,080 Posts
My she-male, crossfit-addicted, penis envy-ex wife is definitely getting 1/2.

The Peruvian WOMAN I’ve been talking to also makes her own money (she’s a social worker in Chicago) and actually paid for the drinks at the hotel (about $60).

First time in my life a woman pays for my drinks. My soon-to-be ex drove me to drink.

By the by, the girl I’m talking to has a specialty in broken homes and the effect they have on children and, as soon as I told her my story, she basically said my wife was most definitely cheating on me. Probably multiple times too.
If your wife is a shemale with or without penis envy, please tell us how you were able to make her with child?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Hi. I feel so bad having to bring this up and waste people’s time but… this is a great site and the people to go along with it so If you would be so kind, could you please tell me if I’m just freaking our over nothing or not?

Wife and I have been married for 20 years and have a kid together. We’re in out late 40’s and the kid is in his early teens. We have a somewhat healthy sex life (about 10 times per month). We’re both social but she’s way more social than me. She works in a school as a school psychologist and I’m an analyst at a financial services firm (we both make very good money).

I’ll cut to the chase: My wife has never been the flirty type, BUT she does work in a school (and school system) where adultery is so prevalent the head of the school system had to write an email to the entire employee pool letting them know that they have to adhere to ethical and social standards like everyone else. This was also corroborated by some employees at a gathering I went to where a lady admitted to me that the staff was “very promiscuous” and that pretty much “everybody had slept with everybody.” I personally think she had had too much wine at that point and was exaggerating a lot. Nonetheless, I did attend a wedding about 7 years ago where two of the teachers were getting married (my wife was hesitant I come due to the fact that the school types are “a funny crowd”). We sat at a round table, 12 of us, and saw my wife acting like a 16 year old, whispering to someone’s ear and pointing to two (married) guys on the dance floor and asking them to dance. I normally would not have an issue with it but my wife, as well as everyone at the table, ignored me to the point I just turned around and just watched the live band play. THIS freaked me out. I saw a totally different person from I guess the character she puts forth at home. It pissed me off so much that STILL, to this day, that feeling of disappointment is still with me.

All good since then up until about 5 months ago. My wife started mentioning this guy’s name (Richard,) once, twice, thrice and by the fourth time I jokingly said “you’ve mentioned the guy four times already, ALL times from a perspective of admiration, I get it, you like the guy.” She made the usual condescending BS comment and let it go. But I didn’t. I sensed she was talking about the guy a little too much so I kept my ears open. Then, another time, I heard her talking on the phone about Richard with a female coworker of her. THAT is when I realized it wasn’t random. I checked our computer’s browsing history and found out that my wife had been checking this guy on the internet FOR WEEKS. She checked where he lived, how much money he was making, whether he was married, whether he had kids, whether divorce papers had been filed, etc. I mean, she had compiled a whole dossier on this man. Turns out Richard is only working for the school system just so that he can get heath insurance, but he is really a licensed realtor making a ton of money and living in a 3MM house (he’s 55 BTW). That’s when my alarm bells went off: hypergamy. My wife’s dad passed away when she was 15, and I’ve always noticed that she does have “a thing” for men 10 years older than her, father figures. Throughout this process I kept mute about the guy and what I know she had checked online.

All was good until this summer. We have a house in Italy and, due to the fact that she has the entire summers off, my wife and kid spend the summers in Italy. I usually join them 2-3 weeks in and we usually come back together. While I was in the US, I was constantly checking up on them making sure all was good. All was good. Then, I get there and, on the way from the airport to the house, after 35 minutes of a 45-minute drive, she drops a bomb: “oh, by the way, do you know who visited me at the house? He was just on the way to get a boat engine fixed at this place in our town and sent me a text to have coffee, but the place was closed so we talked in front of the house: Richard.” I went crazy. I asked her “how dare you! After I told you to stop talking about the guy.” A million scenarios went through my head, all of them bad. She kept on reassuring me that it was all work-related (in July mind you) and that it was about Richard getting a position in my wife’s department. I was like “am I being f*cking punked???? Please tell me you’re punking me!!!”

After all the dust settled, I had to sit her down and explain to her how Richard is reading EACH and EVERYONE of her moves and making decisions accordingly. I had to explain to her that her dropping everything she was doing to have a coffee with him (and she had a lot to do that day) and opening the door of our (husband-less) house to him is going to be taken by Richard as a sign that you are receptive to his advances. Whether you intend it or not. She, of course, started saying non sensical stuff like “I didn’t think you’d want to know, it was all profesional (in July).” Talking to her was a waste of freaking time. I only asked her to tell me what drove her to accept a coffee date from a guy I specifically told her to ignore and why it had taken her from Tuesday to Saturday of that week for her to inform me that Richard was in MY house alone with my wife while my kid slept and she couldn’t answer me. Every time I ask her these two questions she starts crying and, lo and behold, her feelings are FACTS.

I am now in Italy, wanting to fly back to the US like right now and file for divorce. I know neither what went on that morning and what drove her to succumb to his advances without a single ounce of control.

Since they’re going to be working together, I’ve asked her to 1) no coffee/lunch/dinner dates and that 2) she keep any and all engagements professional.

Should I demand more? Am I freaking out over nothing?
Disloyal. Trust your gut. Dump her. Show your son how a man demands respect or he’ll grow up thinking that being disrespected by his woman is normal

she and Richard could have rented a hotel like any self respecting cheater. Instead she disrespected you in your home with your kid in the house. She’s a Zero.
 
281 - 300 of 469 Posts
Top