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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi. I feel so bad having to bring this up and waste people’s time but… this is a great site and the people to go along with it so If you would be so kind, could you please tell me if I’m just freaking our over nothing or not?

Wife and I have been married for 20 years and have a kid together. We’re in out late 40’s and the kid is in his early teens. We have a somewhat healthy sex life (about 10 times per month). We’re both social but she’s way more social than me. She works in a school as a school psychologist and I’m an analyst at a financial services firm (we both make very good money).

I’ll cut to the chase: My wife has never been the flirty type, BUT she does work in a school (and school system) where adultery is so prevalent the head of the school system had to write an email to the entire employee pool letting them know that they have to adhere to ethical and social standards like everyone else. This was also corroborated by some employees at a gathering I went to where a lady admitted to me that the staff was “very promiscuous” and that pretty much “everybody had slept with everybody.” I personally think she had had too much wine at that point and was exaggerating a lot. Nonetheless, I did attend a wedding about 7 years ago where two of the teachers were getting married (my wife was hesitant I come due to the fact that the school types are “a funny crowd”). We sat at a round table, 12 of us, and saw my wife acting like a 16 year old, whispering to someone’s ear and pointing to two (married) guys on the dance floor and asking them to dance. I normally would not have an issue with it but my wife, as well as everyone at the table, ignored me to the point I just turned around and just watched the live band play. THIS freaked me out. I saw a totally different person from I guess the character she puts forth at home. It pissed me off so much that STILL, to this day, that feeling of disappointment is still with me.

All good since then up until about 5 months ago. My wife started mentioning this guy’s name (Richard,) once, twice, thrice and by the fourth time I jokingly said “you’ve mentioned the guy four times already, ALL times from a perspective of admiration, I get it, you like the guy.” She made the usual condescending BS comment and let it go. But I didn’t. I sensed she was talking about the guy a little too much so I kept my ears open. Then, another time, I heard her talking on the phone about Richard with a female coworker of her. THAT is when I realized it wasn’t random. I checked our computer’s browsing history and found out that my wife had been checking this guy on the internet FOR WEEKS. She checked where he lived, how much money he was making, whether he was married, whether he had kids, whether divorce papers had been filed, etc. I mean, she had compiled a whole dossier on this man. Turns out Richard is only working for the school system just so that he can get heath insurance, but he is really a licensed realtor making a ton of money and living in a 3MM house (he’s 55 BTW). That’s when my alarm bells went off: hypergamy. My wife’s dad passed away when she was 15, and I’ve always noticed that she does have “a thing” for men 10 years older than her, father figures. Throughout this process I kept mute about the guy and what I know she had checked online.

All was good until this summer. We have a house in Italy and, due to the fact that she has the entire summers off, my wife and kid spend the summers in Italy. I usually join them 2-3 weeks in and we usually come back together. While I was in the US, I was constantly checking up on them making sure all was good. All was good. Then, I get there and, on the way from the airport to the house, after 35 minutes of a 45-minute drive, she drops a bomb: “oh, by the way, do you know who visited me at the house? He was just on the way to get a boat engine fixed at this place in our town and sent me a text to have coffee, but the place was closed so we talked in front of the house: Richard.” I went crazy. I asked her “how dare you! After I told you to stop talking about the guy.” A million scenarios went through my head, all of them bad. She kept on reassuring me that it was all work-related (in July mind you) and that it was about Richard getting a position in my wife’s department. I was like “am I being f*cking punked???? Please tell me you’re punking me!!!”

After all the dust settled, I had to sit her down and explain to her how Richard is reading EACH and EVERYONE of her moves and making decisions accordingly. I had to explain to her that her dropping everything she was doing to have a coffee with him (and she had a lot to do that day) and opening the door of our (husband-less) house to him is going to be taken by Richard as a sign that you are receptive to his advances. Whether you intend it or not. She, of course, started saying non sensical stuff like “I didn’t think you’d want to know, it was all profesional (in July).” Talking to her was a waste of freaking time. I only asked her to tell me what drove her to accept a coffee date from a guy I specifically told her to ignore and why it had taken her from Tuesday to Saturday of that week for her to inform me that Richard was in MY house alone with my wife while my kid slept and she couldn’t answer me. Every time I ask her these two questions she starts crying and, lo and behold, her feelings are FACTS.

I am now in Italy, wanting to fly back to the US like right now and file for divorce. I know neither what went on that morning and what drove her to succumb to his advances without a single ounce of control.

Since they’re going to be working together, I’ve asked her to 1) no coffee/lunch/dinner dates and that 2) she keep any and all engagements professional.

Should I demand more? Am I freaking out over nothing?
 

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I checked our computer’s browsing history and found out that my wife had been checking this guy on the internet FOR WEEKS. She checked where he lived, how much money he was making, whether he was married, whether he had kids, whether divorce papers had been filed, etc. I mean, she had compiled a whole dossier on this man.
does she know you did this?
 

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Trust your gut. You wouldn't be posting here if it weren't screaming at you that something is amiss. I would monitor her closely were I you. I second @Diana7 's suggestion of a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) placed in her car and places where she normally uses her phone.

I hope it's nothing, but we have instincts that we ignore only at our own peril.
 

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I think your right please don't come back and try telling us we are reading into it wrong and picking up the things you did not say , SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD TO JUST VENT
Some how I think you know what way this will go
 

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To be honest I thought your impulse to fly home and file for divorce was spot on.

I’d bet my paycheck you are sharing your wife with Richard, in every sense of the word. That Italy thing was a total set up for when you wouldn’t be there. They planned it and pulled it off. That wouldn’t have happened if there was just a “casual flirty interest”.

Sorry @JBLH this doesn’t look good to me.
 

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Hi. I feel so bad having to bring this up and waste people’s time but… this is a great site and the people to go along with it so If you would be so kind, could you please tell me if I’m just freaking our over nothing or not?

Wife and I have been married for 20 years and have a kid together. We’re in out late 40’s and the kid is in his early teens. We have a somewhat healthy sex life (about 10 times per month). We’re both social but she’s way more social than me. She works in a school as a school psychologist and I’m an analyst at a financial services firm (we both make very good money).

I’ll cut to the chase: My wife has never been the flirty type, BUT she does work in a school (and school system) where adultery is so prevalent the head of the school system had to write an email to the entire employee pool letting them know that they have to adhere to ethical and social standards like everyone else. This was also corroborated by some employees at a gathering I went to where a lady admitted to me that the staff was “very promiscuous” and that pretty much “everybody had slept with everybody.” I personally think she had had too much wine at that point and was exaggerating a lot. Nonetheless, I did attend a wedding about 7 years ago where two of the teachers were getting married (my wife was hesitant I come due to the fact that the school types are “a funny crowd”). We sat at a round table, 12 of us, and saw my wife acting like a 16 year old, whispering to someone’s ear and pointing to two (married) guys on the dance floor and asking them to dance. I normally would not have an issue with it but my wife, as well as everyone at the table, ignored me to the point I just turned around and just watched the live band play. THIS freaked me out. I saw a totally different person from I guess the character she puts forth at home. It pissed me off so much that STILL, to this day, that feeling of disappointment is still with me.

All good since then up until about 5 months ago. My wife started mentioning this guy’s name (Richard,) once, twice, thrice and by the fourth time I jokingly said “you’ve mentioned the guy four times already, ALL times from a perspective of admiration, I get it, you like the guy.” She made the usual condescending BS comment and let it go. But I didn’t. I sensed she was talking about the guy a little too much so I kept my ears open. Then, another time, I heard her talking on the phone about Richard with a female coworker of her. THAT is when I realized it wasn’t random. I checked our computer’s browsing history and found out that my wife had been checking this guy on the internet FOR WEEKS. She checked where he lived, how much money he was making, whether he was married, whether he had kids, whether divorce papers had been filed, etc. I mean, she had compiled a whole dossier on this man. Turns out Richard is only working for the school system just so that he can get heath insurance, but he is really a licensed realtor making a ton of money and living in a 3MM house (he’s 55 BTW). That’s when my alarm bells went off: hypergamy. My wife’s dad passed away when she was 15, and I’ve always noticed that she does have “a thing” for men 10 years older than her, father figures. Throughout this process I kept mute about the guy and what I know she had checked online.

All was good until this summer. We have a house in Italy and, due to the fact that she has the entire summers off, my wife and kid spend the summers in Italy. I usually join them 2-3 weeks in and we usually come back together. While I was in the US, I was constantly checking up on them making sure all was good. All was good. Then, I get there and, on the way from the airport to the house, after 35 minutes of a 45-minute drive, she drops a bomb: “oh, by the way, do you know who visited me at the house? He was just on the way to get a boat engine fixed at this place in our town and sent me a text to have coffee, but the place was closed so we talked in front of the house: Richard.” I went crazy. I asked her “how dare you! After I told you to stop talking about the guy.” A million scenarios went through my head, all of them bad. She kept on reassuring me that it was all work-related (in July mind you) and that it was about Richard getting a position in my wife’s department. I was like “am I being f*cking punked???? Please tell me you’re punking me!!!”

After all the dust settled, I had to sit her down and explain to her how Richard is reading EACH and EVERYONE of her moves and making decisions accordingly. I had to explain to her that her dropping everything she was doing to have a coffee with him (and she had a lot to do that day) and opening the door of our (husband-less) house to him is going to be taken by Richard as a sign that you are receptive to his advances. Whether you intend it or not. She, of course, started saying non sensical stuff like “I didn’t think you’d want to know, it was all profesional (in July).” Talking to her was a waste of freaking time. I only asked her to tell me what drove her to accept a coffee date from a guy I specifically told her to ignore and why it had taken her from Tuesday to Saturday of that week for her to inform me that Richard was in MY house alone with my wife while my kid slept and she couldn’t answer me. Every time I ask her these two questions she starts crying and, lo and behold, her feelings are FACTS.

I am now in Italy, wanting to fly back to the US like right now and file for divorce. I know neither what went on that morning and what drove her to succumb to his advances without a single ounce of control.

Since they’re going to be working together, I’ve asked her to 1) no coffee/lunch/dinner dates and that 2) she keep any and all engagements professional.

Should I demand more? Am I freaking out over nothing?
You said that you are going to file for divorce as soon as you get back to the USA. Have you set these boundaries even though you are going to divorce? Of course there is more to this and she is lying through her teeth. And this may not be her first rodeo given what you have said about the faculty.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
does she know you did this?
She knows I know a couple of things but only because she told me. She does not know I also know because I checked the browsing history.

Am I stupid or something? I don’t find it normal that she would be so infatuated with this guy that she’d spend hours finding information about him on the internet. It’s almost like she’s fantasizing about him…
 

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THIS freaked me out. I saw a totally different person from I guess the character she puts forth at home. It pissed me off so much that STILL, to this day, that feeling of disappointment is still with me.
She should have been put on notice right then and there. I'm guessing you whined and complained and swallowed the **** sandwich she served up to you because you were too afraid to stand up for yourself and stand behind your words. I'm getting that you're very passive.

I am now in Italy, wanting to fly back to the US like right now and file for divorce. I know neither what went on that morning and what drove her to succumb to his advances without a single ounce of control.
Are you LISTENING to yourself???? She was acting like an idiot teenager fawning all over some guy 7 years ago at a wedding - to the point of completely ignoring you! The amount of disrespect that you willingly accepted that day was cringe-worthy. All that taught her was that you don't respect yourself and don't have the guts to stand up for yourself. But where on earth you're getting the NONSENSE that she's some innocent little hot-house flower who was 'driven to succumb' to the big, bad man's advances actually made me laugh out loud.

This is a woman who has compiled a complete dossier on this guy, and you HONESTLY keep trying to act like she's this innocent hot-house flower who has NO CLUE what she's doing and in her innocence when she let the guy in the house for coffee, she was unaware that she'd sent him the message that she was 'available.'

Good Lord, OP. Your wife is probably the one who invited HIM over. Pull your head out of the damned sand!!

You seriously need to start respecting yourself. Seriously.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You said that you are going to file for divorce as soon as you get back to the USA. Have you set these boundaries even though you are going to divorce? Of course there is more to this and she is lying through her teeth. And this may not be her first rodeo given what you have said about the faculty.
No, that’s how I feel right now, but that’s the easy way out. If she is indeed cheating I want to leverage the adultery to its furthest extent when I file the divorce.
 

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Glad you found TAM.

I agree with Laurentium. Does she know that you're aware of her browsing history for weeks?

She's a married woman and not some single woman checking out a man she's potentially dating (or maybe that is her intention).

Also, what are the odds of this man randomly showing up across the world in the EXACT same town that your home in Italy is and he showed up at your house?

How would he know where you lived unless your wife told him??

How would he know that she was there? Unless she told him.

And is it a coincidence that he shows up when you're not there?

There's something going on and you'd be a fool if you thought otherwise.

If it were me I would seriously be leaning on having my wife take a poly, and not just take it, but pass it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Gotta be honest though… if she’s seeing this man, I honestly have no idea where they are meeting. She never goes out, is home within 45 minutes of getting out of work (we live 27 miles away from her place of work), et cetera.
 

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Gotta be honest though… if she’s seeing this man, I honestly have no idea where they are meeting. She never goes out, is home within 45 minutes of getting out of work (we live 27 miles away from her place of work), et cetera.
If you read A little on TAM you’ll find that where there’s a will, there’s a way. And you know that Italy visit was not exactly platonic right?
 

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Gotta be honest though… if she’s seeing this man, I honestly have no idea where they are meeting. She never goes out, is home within 45 minutes of getting out of work (we live 27 miles away from her place of work), et cetera.
She's probably seeing him in the school as to not raise any "suspicions" on your end, so she's keeping her routine.... for now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Dude, all of your worst fears and more are likely to be real. Adjust to the new normal asap and start protecting yourself.
I think I’m going to shut up and keep my ears open. I know how to do a few things to get the information I need. But yes, unfortunately, I’ll have to wear protection.
 

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I think I’m going to shut up and keep my ears open. I know how to do a few things to get the information I need. But yes, unfortunately, I’ll have to wear protection.
Good plan, get the evidence you need for yourself and for the court. Shut up, make like all is good, and plant those devices. Brace yourself for the fallout.

See a lawyer asap to understand how to prep, steps to take, and what evidence is needed. It will vary by state, if it’s useful at all.
 
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