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That's a harsh headline, but sugar coating a turd won't make it taste like a snickers.
I have identified a few key things about my husband that have me rethink our marriage. And they seem to be escalating with each passing day. A little background: He's 40, I'm 32. He has two older kids from a previous marriage, aged 21 and 18. He adopted my daughter who is now 14, and we have one together, aged 5. We aren't having any more. We married after 2 years of dating, and will have 9 years married this August. For the most part, our marriage has been pretty happy, with very little issues, and virtually no drama. But the last 2-1/2 to 3 years, things have changed for the worse.

Number one, above all issues are his insecurities. He has poor self esteem mostly due to his weight. When we first met, he had a little gut and moobs, but was still able to get around and even jog a few paces. He has probably put on 70lbs and his physical abilities have taken a nose dive. I estimate him around 360+/- at 6'1", but there is a very slender frame underneath all the fluff. He took a turn for the worse when he tore a tendon in his knee last year and had to have surgery. Between his bad back and his knee, he really suffers doing day to day activities, but has been told that he needs to lose weight to give those joints some relief. When encouraged to do simple things such as giving up white flour, potatoes, or soda, he gets very defensive and requests strongly that I keep the cupboards stocked with said things. I took the stance that if he wants those things, he has to buy them himself. He immaturely announces to me when he buys that crap, then also complains that he cannot lose weight unless he starves himself (but don't you dare remind him that he lost 25lbs just by quitting soda for a month). The denial is strong with this one. I am carrying about 30lbs of extra weight, but am very active. He thinks its weird when I jump rope, or go for runs, but it really helps me cope with his attitude! He also complains very loudly when I serve too much "healthy" food. I have been cutting back on carbs in the meals I cook and he has noticed.
I can pinpoint when the insecurities turned into bitterness, and he began to accuse me of cheating on him, plus being overall resentful, angry, and just mean. The facility we worked for; him for 19 years, and me for nearly 10 years closed its doors. He was picked up by an even better company at better wages and benefits, but had to work rotating nights. I was offered college with a meager amount of unemployment and we decided it was best since I had no formal education and to advance in my field, a degree was necessary. But the first quarter, I think he realized that he didn't know who I was interacting with anymore, and his thoughts raced of me running off with some college boy. He became very resentful when I would spend any additional time outside of class time to study, yet would constantly interrupt me when I would try to study at home. I could have made highest honors had it not been for this behavior. I took 20 credit quarters to get done as soon as I could. I did pretty well, and was hired by an amazing company the day after I finished classes. I understood that he was very unhappy about having to support me during this time, since I had been paying more than half of the bills beforehand. I paid what I could with what little I was getting while I was in school. Things got a little better when I was on the payroll again, and now I cover well over half the bills. I've been at my new work for a year and a few months with excellent reviews and a good raise this year.
The second huge issue is a tremendous (I am so sick of hearing that word after Trump used it so much, but it fits) amount of double standards. This was never really an issue until this past year. There is a double standard in every corner. The biggest is housework. The last time I asked him to do the simple task of taking out the garbage, I got a huge cuss-filled rant about how there were dirty dishes in the sink, and the laundry wasn't done. Holy sh**! I need the garbage emptied so I could continue! If I fold his clothes and leave them on the bed, he will LITERALLY put them on the hope chest instead of walking 4 feet to put them away. Here is a short list of things that he does that I am not allowed to mention without him throwing a fit about the things I haven't done yet: won't throw his own trash away, leaves dirty socks in the living room, leaves coal and mud all over the dining room, leaves spit cups around without lids, and leaves beard trimmings and dirty underwear in the bathroom. He also gets mad when he tangles up his own fishing poles and his truck gets too full of his own trash (but oh gracious if YOU leave one item in his truck, it is all now your mess and you get to clean it all). For the most part the house is kept up, even with him, kids, and a very hairy dog. There are times when the daughters and I get behind, and oh boy do I hear about it. He takes a certain thrill with constantly texting me when I am away, and the house isn't 100% clean. It infuriates me to no end when he could have taken care of a small cleaning task in the time it takes to text me. I absolutely ****ing hate that. When I ask why he didn't just take care of it, he just escalates and adds more random things to his messages, but also gets very angry when I don't answer promptly.
Other double standards include: me not being allowed to drink, but he can all he wants. (I have maybe one drink a week if that? But I'm an alcoholic, apparently). Giving opinions or feedback on ANY issue, yet how dare I stifle him from saying whatever he wishes. I try to be as gentle and tactful when communicating, but I end up getting interrupted or he gets so incredibly defensive that I just quit. The subject matter doesn't matter. I've withdrawn back quite a bit, but that creates two other issues of me feeling very lonely and him getting more upset that I wont talk to him very much anymore. He can spend as much time doing what he loves, but I cannot without him constantly texting me. To be able to enjoy life a little bit, I purposely schedule outings on his work days to ensure that I can have fun. When I bust butt and have dinner in the crock-pot and the house is spotless, he does leave me be. I have a birthday coming up in June and plan on spending the weekend in Canada with the kids. As selfish as it sounds, I want my special day to be free of his whining, neediness, and heavy breathing. And I'm not going to adapt my phone plan to work up there. And the things I want to see and do he would hate anyway. I plan on having the house spotless, and hiring someone to care the the livestock and dinners while I am gone. I know I shouldn't, but I don't want to tell him because he made me feel so guilty for wanting to go last year, that I cancelled my trip. I was gifted awful sex and a box of cheap chocolates. I really think a little trip will be a great breather for my psyche.
The last is how he parents. I've come to the conclusion that he only likes the kids when they are placidly sitting in front of the TV with him. He cannot stand when they run, yell, and are overly silly. The biggest issue I am facing as a parent is that our little one is growing very overweight. After a checkup, our family doctor completely agreed with me that we need to cut out the sugars, pastas, and potatoes. Cut out the bad stuff and she will just grow into her weight in a year or so. Its not a diet. Its not a diet. Its not a diet. Just cut out the bad stuff and play outside more. This put the husband on the extreme defensive, and he now buys more soda and candy than ever. This makes my blood boil and its the only times I can safely say that I hate him. He and his ex-wife never restricted the junk food with their oldest and he was obese for most of his childhood and he really suffered. Now an adult, he has lost over 100lbs working in a mill and has kept it off. He is so happy, plus looks and feels great. His whole family is plagued with heart disease, diabetes, and joint issues, so I think we need to do extra to try and ward off some of these issues. I made it very clear that I am not putting our daughter on a diet, just cut out the junk! If not for her body, at least for her teeth! But I can't get that through his thick skull. He has become a very weak parent as of late, and the majority of parental work falls on me, but I also have to deal with his immaturity as an added bonus.
I miss having him as a partner and a husband. I miss being able to lay down next to him and not feel like I'm sleeping in a tilted hammock because of his weight. I hate watching his struggle to get up off his chair. I miss sex, which has almost completely faded away. I even miss his smile, as the added weight has completely changed his face. I am tired of him trying to make me feel guilty for something I never did. Although he did back off when I cut a deposit check for a polygraph for myself to prove I've never cheated nor am I considering it. It should not have gotten that bad. The double standards have me fatigued to the core. He would never go to counselling with me because he would be so embarrassed, uncomfortable, or would just become totally stoic, but would blow a gasket if I went by myself. I don't know what to do anymore and cannot continue to run on fumes. I am strong enough financially and emotionally to live on my own, but I feel awful for even toying with that idea.
If you have any advice or words of wisdom, please don't hesitate to share. Negative and positive feedback are appreciated. I hope that the man I fell in love with is still in there somewhere.
Thank you and have a wonderful night.
 

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You need to say this. Preferably in an easier tone. Not you are fat insecure slob. More like, what has happened to you? Where did the man I marry go to? You are taking me for granted. I am still with you but you are going to lose me if you keep this up.

Sometimes people lose their way, but it doesn't have to be always.

Thing is you may make it or you may not, but I always say if you want to be a good spouse then you have to confront your spouse sometimes. Even if it's hard. If you don't tell him, he is going to lose you, then you are not being a good spouse. That is the thing with the whole walk away wife thing, which seems to be where you are headed. It doesn't sound like a lot of them tell their husbands they are losing them. Don't do that, that is just too unfair, much worse then saying what is painful and giving him a chance.
 

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I pretty much stopped reading when I got to the part how this overweight lazy ass is happy to have YOU pay more than him towards expenses AND expects you to do all the housework on top of it.

I don't even know the rest of your story as I stopped reading.

Why haven't you left this loser already? Stop with the foolishness about staying out of guilt. Good lord, enough already.
 

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Dont' worry, in a few years the diabetes will kill him and you'll be free.

However, if you actually love him and are loyal, then I'd try a more overt dietary approach. You seem to be on that road already with the low carb meals. I'd suggest a more Keto based diet plan, one where he won't be craving carbs because he'll be satiated with good fats and moderate proteins. There are countless podcasts and youtube videos explaining the weightless and health benefits of this approach (particularly with diabetes and mental health).

As for his crappy attitude and potty mouth, it's a wash for me……I assume you give as good as you get, yes?

Maybe, also, get a blood test done, and have his testosterone and diabetes markers checked. Then show him all those people who are blind or have amputations, to jolt him into reality.

And if you are wondering, I'm doing the exact advice I gave you, with myself and wife. Our stories have many similarities. I'm down 12lbs in three weeks (with zero cheating, I'm too satisfied to fill up on chips and ice cream after a meal) and I do most of the cooking, so wifey-poo has no choice but to eat Keto meals. I'm slowly tightening the screws on what carby junk is available in the house.

This marriage and relationship is saveable, it seems to be built on a very solid foundation, but has just lost it's way.

Good luck.
 

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Hey PTH, keep after your daughters health. I had the same issue with my wife always having to have sweets in the house. My daughter is now starting to eat healthier and lose the weight.

The other thing is about the money and bills. My wife and I have always had joint accounts. I didn’t separate them until I was ready to leave the marriage, long story and yes my wife knows. I know if you don’t have a joint account to pay bills with and contribute equally it is going to cause a lot more resentment then you can imagine.

Last, it sounds like your husband is a man child. Always needing a mommy to take care of him. This is not settling well with you now and it is only going to get worse. A product in my opinion of not letting boys grow into men.

I can honestly say both of my boys are young men that respect women. They can survive on their own and don’t have to have a mom figure to take care of them.
 

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@Parttimehippie in UK terms that is 25 stone and that is dangerously overweight.

At one time I was 21 stone and nowhere near as tall as your husband.

I managed to get down to 13/14 stone by watching sugar intake and by walking up to 12 miles a day, every day. More sometimes, if possible.

Your husband might be depressed, perhaps he needs medication?

You cannot continue like this.
 

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I pretty much stopped reading when I got to the part how this overweight lazy ass is happy to have YOU pay more than him towards expenses AND expects you to do all the housework on top of it.

I don't even know the rest of your story as I stopped reading.

Why haven't you left this loser already? Stop with the foolishness about staying out of guilt. Good lord, enough already.
Good grief girl, could you be more anti male? I don't know what do you think, should we just line all men up against a wall, shoot them in the head, and... Oh I don't know, cut off their balls for good measure?

I mean come on. Women can be just as bad as men, and men have been just as hurt as women. It is about people not their genitalia.

Come on, give me a kiss and let's make up....
 

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So for @Parttimehippie.

Listen, even if your husband got a better job and makes more money, for whatever reason, he is depressed.

He probably feel bad about himself and it only add to his depression. Now, he may need to have the stomach surgery, and he for sure needs to be on medication for his depression. And from the sound of it, he needs a lot of medication and therapy.

Here is the problem, you cannot do it for him. He has to want to get help. And, I am sorry to say this, I don't think he will.

The fact of the matter is, you need to file for divorce and ask him to move out. You are young, and you have a lot of life left. Filing for divorce will accomplish 1 of 2 things. 1) It may be the wake up call to make him get the medical help that he needs. And he needs help, a lot of it. Him moving out will force him to wake up and start moving around enough to get moved Or 2) It starts your process of detachment and gets you out of this situation sooner rather than later.

I understand that you don't really want to loose him, but the fact of the matter is that you are losing respect for him and that is about one step away from not loving him at all and getting close to hate.

You really don't want to go there, it would be better for him to sink or swim on his own, and you can work on your happiness without him. Just file for divorce and let the chips fall where they may.
 

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You know you can't make him do anything... whether you like it or not, you are being told where you stand in his life.

He could make the changes... get counseling (especially for anger), eat healthier, begin exercising even if just walking. Why do you really think he chooses not to?

Before long your resentment will begin taking you over more than you care... you will be affected if you cannot keep it our of your heart and mind.

If he keeps this up he will lose you... are you prepared to be lost if things don't improve?

You cannot sustain this marriage alone...
 

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I'm personally of the mind that when someone lets themselves go, its just as much a disrespect to their spouse and kids as it is to themselves. However, you have a kid together, so it is worth putting in every bit of effort you can before you scrap your marriage.

Get counseling and really just tell him he is going to lose his family. That you are not going to sit around and wait for him to die for being a fat slob. That you also think he is taking you and your kids for granted while treating himself so poorly. Bust out old videos of his older kids and show them their accomplishments and achievements videos. Then ask him if he would like to live to see your 5 year old kid also reach these achievements. At this rate, he will be lucky to see her graduate high school.

Then simply tell him you support him and have his back, but you aren't going to stick around to watch him kill himself either and you are going to protect your kids as well from living that nightmare. That its time for him to get serious.

You also would do well to help him by changing any eating habits you have to match his own while he gets the weight off. Stick with him and show him you are in this together as a couple. But have a timeline in your head all the same. You have to be hard on him while helping him through this at the same time.

Time to get tough.
 

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360 lbs, damn!

You gotchyou one of them dudes who can't see his own ****. You say he put on 70. So he was already something close to 300 when you met him.

So now that he went from 290 to 360 lbs, it don't work for you no more?

Like WTF was he doing at 290 that he can't do no more, that extra fifth jellyroll got to you?
 

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@Parttimehippie, there is nothing you can do if you are not willing to shock him with the realization that he lost you. not that he could lose you, or may at some point, but that he has already lost you.

he needs to feel the pain of knowing that it is already too late. that might wake him up. it just as easily could fail, but its possible. the reason why i say he needs to face the reality of you divorcing him is because he needs a situation that he can not manipulate his way out of. he cannot argue with a decision you make for yourself. he can try to guilt trip you, but if you show that you do not care what he says, and that there is nothing he can do to bully or guilt you into acquiescing, he would have to look inward.

here is what i would do... first, get a recording device on your phone, or a voice activated recorder, and have a conversation with him. tell him that you cannot continue in this marriage as it is, and list the changes that you need him to make. list out your grievances with him. write all this stuff out ahead of time so that you don't miss anything. if he refuses to listen and chooses to interrupt you, speak over you, just walk away. if you can manage to speak your piece though, continue. if he argues your points, just keep talking. the idea is to catch as much of his terrible attitude on recording as you possibly can. after you have spoken all of your points, and have recorded his response to all of it, make a copy of the recordings. upload it to an off site location, keep a couple copies in different locations. just make sure he cannot get all of them. it would also be a good idea to pull out the recorder any time you catch him displaying his atrocious attitude.



the next step is to go get divorce papers and have him served. when you have him served, make sure he gets a copy of the conversation and let him know that his terrible attitude and miserable actions are the reason you are divorcing him. let him know that you will let anyone who asks you know why you are divorcing him, and that you will use the recordings to prove your side of the story if you must.

and this is the last step... get two jars. it doesn't really matter how big they are. fill one with marbles, it doesn't matter which kinds. call it the divorce jar. leave the other jar empty. call the empty one the marriage jar. tell him that the empty jar represents how much you have invested in the marriage. it is empty because you are divorcing him. on that first day, you should have already talked to a lawyer, already separated your finances, etc. tell him that because divorces take time, it is possible that he could change your mind, if he starts doing specific things. make a list for him, such as follows:

no more junk food. either he learns to live without him or you are gone.

no more disrespecting you. since he will likely not be able to break habits over night, he must be willing to give a genuine apology for every cross word and disrespectful judgement when you call him out on it.

he helps out with chores. divide them up as you see fit, but he must do his fair share.

you can add whatever you want, but it should be kept to a fairly short list of the most egregious things at first. the things that bother you the most.

anyway, for each day that he manages to do all these things, you will put one marble in the marriage jar. for each day he fails to do ALL THREE of those things, you will move a marble from the marriage jar back to the divorce jar. that first day, it will be empty, and you will continue the divorce while it is empty. when it is not empty, you will not progress in active steps toward divorce. if you ever manage to move all the marbles from the divorce jar to the marriage jar, then you will call off the divorce.

if he doesn't want to get a divorce, then he will start doing those minimum things to fix himself. if he does not care, then just proceed with the divorce. you are already to the point of wanting it anyway.

IF, and it is a big if, he DOES turn himself around, you are going to have to seek marriage counseling in order to get your marriage to progress back to being a good one. unfortunately, he has caused a LOT of resentment to build in you. it is evident. and, just so you are clear on this, i think you are WELL past the point where anyone else would have left. its not like you are being at all unfair. he doesn't really deserve much of a second chance, but if you really want to see if he will change for you, this is a good way to find out.
 

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Spend five minutes making a list of his redeeming qualities. If after 5 minutes, you're staring at a blank sheet of paper - pull the plug. If you're still writing when the timer goes off, there's hope.
 

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Spend five minutes making a list of his redeeming qualities. If after 5 minutes, you're staring at a blank sheet of paper - pull the plug. If you're still writing when the timer goes off, there's hope.
i think she needs to file regardless... most people, when they come here complaining about their spouse, usually write in vague generalities. OP was very specific and gave several specific examples of what is wrong. she has already communicated this to her husband and he has chosen to act against her wishes out of spite.

not much to work with there...
 

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i think she needs to file regardless... most people, when they come here complaining about their spouse, usually write in vague generalities. OP was very specific and gave several specific examples of what is wrong. she has already communicated this to her husband and he has chosen to act against her wishes out of spite.

not much to work with there...
I agree. But, I think this exercise will get her to see if she even wants to go the route of the marbles in a jar.
 

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I agree. But, I think this exercise will get her to see if she even wants to go the route of the marbles in a jar.
true.

sometimes, i think people come here to seek validation that they are not crazy for wanting out. they might ask what they can do as a last ditch effort, but even if there is something they can do, its never easy to change a dynamic. totally doable, but it takes stepping outside of the comfort zone.

over the years, i have learned about a gazillion and three methods for keeping oneself on track through the hassle, but i dont think many people actually want to go through with the kind of work it takes...

they always ask for that kind of advice, but the commitment is just as hard as the marriage itself, in whatever condition its in. this being a hard one, it would be hard work.
 

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true.

sometimes, i think people come here to seek validation that they are not crazy for wanting out. they might ask what they can do as a last ditch effort, but even if there is something they can do, its never easy to change a dynamic. totally doable, but it takes stepping outside of the comfort zone.

over the years, i have learned about a gazillion and three methods for keeping oneself on track through the hassle, but i dont think many people actually want to go through with the kind of work it takes...

they always ask for that kind of advice, but the commitment is just as hard as the marriage itself, in whatever condition its in. this being a hard one, it would be hard work.
While I do not disagree with you in any way, the problem with doing the hard work is that one person cannot do it alone.

I believe that if two people love each other and BOTH are willing to do the work, most marriages can be save and be happy.

Not all, but a larger portion. But the problem is that if one person is the only one doing the work it is destine to fail.

I realized before I divorced my X, in MC no less, that every time it was time to "Have a talk" I was the one that initiated the conversation.

I actually had to think what that meant for a couple of weeks. I came to the conclusion that she did not give a ****, but I did.

It takes two to tango...
 

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In these cases its often more like a wrestling match than a tango... at first, anyway.

If the other person can not be motivated to improve for their love of their spouse, sometimes they can be motivated by fear. Unfortunately, fear is often the most effective motivator for those who are depressed.

Which just makes the whole endeavor all that much more of a psychological and mental gymnastics routine. Jolting someone with fear may be the best medicine they can get, but it will not be pleasant. For either party involved.
 
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