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Mine certainly liked having a much younger trophy.

But it made him feel very inadequate because I was younger, in good shape, and made a lot more money. He needed ego boosting from his cheap * and from tearing me down.

One could think I must be dominating at home, but that's not true. In fact I'm pretty laid back. That's why he got away with his passive aggressive crap for so long.
Good Lord! A younger wife in good shape and she makes great money?

I swear some people didn't get hit with the "stupid" stick, they had the whole damn tree fall on them!
 

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Discussion Starter · #982 ·
Anyone who tells you they were in a sexless marriage is a red flag.

Well, people are going to lie. When you are first meeting someone, you're far more agreeable, sex is positive, and everyone is on their best behavior. It's like a sales pitch, but you have to see through the bs. I learned that when people talk about their prior marriage and claim it was sexless, believe them. Also, assume they were at least 50% to blame for that. Then ask yourself if you want to go down that road again and run for the hills!
I wasn't to blame for 50% of my sexless marriage!!!!!!! :oops:
 

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I wasn't to blame for 50% of my sexless marriage!!!!!!! :oops:
I get that. However, from what I’ve learned, if we were out on a first date and I heard you were in a sexless marriage, I’d probably pass. I’m not getting involved with that again. I’d assume you were the one that didn’t want sex or were content with not having it. Either way, it’s now a red flag for me.
 

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I get that. However, from what I’ve learned, if we were out on a first date and I heard you were in a sexless marriage, I’d probably pass. I’m not getting involved with that again. I’d assume you were the one that didn’t want sex or were content with not having it. Either way, it’s now a red flag for me.
You know what they say about assuming...
 

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Discussion Starter · #985 ·
I get that. However, from what I’ve learned, if we were out on a first date and I heard you were in a sexless marriage, I’d probably pass. I’m not getting involved with that again. I’d assume you were the one that didn’t want sex or were content with not having it. Either way, it’s now a red flag for me.
Oh...so YOU were in a sexless marriage too...
 

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Oh...so YOU were in a sexless marriage too...
No, not really. It was more like duty sex once a week. If you are going to try and convince me that men are generally the culprits of a dead bedroom marriage, don’t bother. I’m not buying it. Biology works against that theory.
 

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So...for all the dating people who are seriously looking for potential partners (not just casually dating)...HOW do you decide who you are interested in? Is it just opportunity, like who is also interested in you?

Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together??

How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner?
Honestly, for the relationship I'm in now, she contacted me first. Her first message was a paragraph mentioning my situation and common dealbreakers that I had put in my profile. During our discussions, we found common ground in the military and the end of our relationships (my ex was moving out the same month they were having a miscarriage and finding out about his cheating). We also have big bookshelves and TVs that we rarely turn on.

Sexual attraction is a bit of a tricky subject for me. It is a lot more likely that someone would turn me off with how they act than how they look.

As for what is important and what I can do without, I really only have the marriage to go on. I've been a reader for a long time so I'm going to spend time doing that. I've been a runner almost as long so I'm going to spend time doing that. I've got kids that are going to take up a significant amount of my time for the next several years.

Besides that acceptance of who I am and general attraction between us, I don't have a ton of requirements.
 

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Discussion Starter · #989 ·
No, not really. It was more like duty sex once a week. If you are going to try and convince me that men are generally the culprits of a dead bedroom marriage, don’t bother. I’m not buying it. Biology works against that theory.
I am not trying to convince you of that at all...I'm just pointing out that your assumptions are incorrect, and FOR ME, I would talk more and get more information about it before I would jettison the guy because his wife took sex away (or she cheated, or used drugs, or took all his money, etc).

Remember as well that the reasons for a sexless marriage are numerous and varied - she might have had a husband who was cheating, or addicted to porn, or gay...without more details, you could be shooting yourself in the foot.

And in general, people ARE going to lie...so if they want to hide their part in a sexless marriage, why would they mention it at all? If they are willing to talk about it openly, doesn't that show they don't feel responsible and they are vetting YOU as well, to make sure it won't happen to them again?

Because that's how I would WANT to handle it if I were dating a guy...I would want to make it one of the first things he knew about me - that sexual intimacy is one of my primary needs in a relationship and that I WILL NOT tolerate sexlessness again. (NOT that it's prudent to tell that to any guy who buys me dinner or a drink...Lol!!)

That should be a red flag for any guy who doesn't make sex a priority, NOT for the guy who wants an enthusiastic and high drive partner.
 

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If they are willing to talk about it openly, doesn't that show they don't feel responsible and they are vetting YOU as well, to make sure it won't happen to them again?
IIRC, you had a conversation with your STBX and he flat out lied. Believe his actions - not his words. A guy who says he's always DTF and then makes a move once in a blue moon tells you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is trying to put one over on you. Conversely, a guy who says he respects women and then turns into an octopus while standing in line at the grocery store is clearly saying what he thinks you want to hear.
 

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Discussion Starter · #991 ·
IIRC, you had a conversation with your STBX and he flat out lied. Believe his actions - not his words. A guy who says he's always DTF and then makes a move once in a blue moon tells you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is trying to put one over on you. Conversely, a guy who says he respects women and then turns into an octopus while standing in line at the grocery store is clearly saying what he thinks you want to hear.
YES. This is so true...and if I had been on this site back at the beginning of our relationship, when the red flags were practically smacking me in the face, I never would have been tricked by his words.
 

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YES. This is so true...and if I had been on this site back at the beginning of our relationship, when the red flags were practically smacking me in the face, I never would have been tricked by his words.
We all live and learn Lisa! We just all have to make sure we LEARN from the mistakes so as to not repeat them (NOT always easy!)
 

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So...for all the dating people who are seriously looking for potential partners (not just casually dating)...HOW do you decide who you are interested in? Is it just opportunity, like who is also interested in you?

Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together??

How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner?
@LisaDiane,

I found this post interesting, so even though I am married, we're still "seriously dating"--can I answer?

I have never been one to use OLD. After my divorce, I was single for four years and I tried it a few times, figuring it wasn't my style but I'd try to "broaden my horizons" and give it a try. Well...I HATED it! It was NOT for me! I felt like a piece of meat most of the time, as if men were mostly there to find someone into casual sex (which isn't me). There were a few that got passed initial "EWWWW" stage and we'd chat back and forth, but those few tended to be either still married or in some complication with a relationship, and again, that is not me. I did a few dates, and they all acted as if they took me to dinner so now I was obliged to put out, and yep...not me! So I decided OLD was not my style and I never did try again.

So HOW did I decide who I was interested in? Well, I chose to go to events in which I was interested. So I went to a new age class, and a yoga class, and a divorce recovery class, etc. I got to know a few men there, and I get along great with men in general so I figured right off the bat, any person I'd meet would have something in common, right? The funny part is that both Dear Hubby and Beloved Hubby I met online--on marriage forums! LOL You know how I just hang here on TAM and kind of "pay it forward"? Well I was doing that on another forum--and on that forum I agreed with the concepts overall but did not agree that the forum-owner's method was absolute perfection; I thought more could be added or taken away and they didn't tolerate that, so off I went! But while on that forum, there was a guy there who was SO smart it caught my eye. He wrote with humor and dry wit, and from his writing I thought he was a neat person. That's what interests me--someone who has character qualities I admire. Likewise for @Emerging Buddhist. I was aware of his presence here on TAM and when I was married and he was married, I thought by his writing that he was thoughtful and patient and kind. Neat person.

Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together?? Ummm...see above. I don't start with sexual attraction and move to liking them as people--I start with like the person they are and them the more I know, the more I admire them, the more attracted I am. To this day, I am more and more attracted to Beloved Hubby because I know him better and he really is who he seems to be here on the forum. But in addition, before Dear Hubby and Beloved Hubby both, I actually thought about the kinds of traits I would find HEALTHY and that would be good for me! So I had an idea in my mind that I'd like to find a man who was at least as smart as I am--maybe smarter. I'd like a man who has a sense of humor like mine--at times sarcastically witty and other times down-home humor. I'd like a man who is patient, kind, and loving in ways that I can understand love. I'd like a man who is calm!!! HUGE character requirement actually for me. I'd like a man who is able to be introspective. I require a man who is honest and open naturally. I admire a man who is a leader but not bossy. I'd like a man who is fiscally responsible and lives within his means. I'd like a man who has a spiritual life. You get the drift, right? And to me, in my 40's and then in my later 50's, the "things we have in common" is MUCH more important that sexual attraction because I want a guy who understands my references to 70's stuff and wants to do the activities I do (including sex). To me, almost everyone thinks of sex backward: I like who the person is as a person first, and that attracts me second...not the other way around. Now, I realize that not everyone is alike so if someone isn't me, they may do it differently. But I don't get to the sexual attraction part until I first get the "I like you as a person" part.

How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner? Okay one thing I found really amusing as others answered was that driving an hour to see another was too much or too far. LOL :p I seriously laughed at that. :D My Beloved Hubby lived 7 hours away from me in another state--now granted his state was just north of mine, but still--it's was 7 hours one way! To me, it was a short drive and he was so worth it! Then again, I've been in all 48 contininental states, and I tend to think of traveling distances by "it's just the state next door" or "oh, one state over to the right." Anyway, I thought of our time apart as personal time and also as if he were in a deployment: I'd count down the days. I wrote him a letter every day. We'd text and call every day. And we saw each other about every other weekend for the weekend. To me, the value was in the person and taking the time to get to know the person. And in our relationship, I think we tend to bring out the best in each other or challenge each other to be better... so instead of having XYZ character traits I'd "like to have" and compromising on one of the traits, it's more like all the traits are present and VW too, and how about working on myself so I don't lean on Z so much?

That being said, there are some things that are absolute, 100% deal breakers for me and for Beloved Hubby, and we have spoken them to each other. Don't lie, cheat or steal. I know for a fact, if I lie, cheat or steal he will leave me and I'll never see him darken my doorstep again, and since he is of value to me, I don't lie, cheat or steal! I also have literal zero tolerance for physical violence against me and a pattern of raging. I won't live with that again. Other than that, I think what's important in a relationship is relating. Relate your thoughts and feelings. Relate your needs and requests. Relate your desires. That's what it's all about, right?
 

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I get that. However, from what I’ve learned, if we were out on a first date and I heard you were in a sexless marriage, I’d probably pass. I’m not getting involved with that again. I’d assume you were the one that didn’t want sex or were content with not having it. Either way, it’s now a red flag for me.
I think me assume that it is the woman's fault because men think that all men are willing but that is not the truth of the matter. Some women have a very high sex drive.
 

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Odd really, nowadays I'm dropping the bomb of being only recently single on 2nd or 3rd message. The response is odd, because they aren't running, seem to be more interested and respond faster 🤷‍♂️

I feel obligated now to take them out for dates but I really can't be bothered and delaying it as much as I can. Wanting a break from all this but then new likes, new matches daily it never ends. Regardless though it does feel nice to still be sexy! Face wise anyways, need to work on my dad bod.
 

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@LisaDiane,

I found this post interesting, so even though I am married, we're still "seriously dating"--can I answer?

I have never been one to use OLD. After my divorce, I was single for four years and I tried it a few times, figuring it wasn't my style but I'd try to "broaden my horizons" and give it a try. Well...I HATED it! It was NOT for me! I felt like a piece of meat most of the time, as if men were mostly there to find someone into casual sex (which isn't me). There were a few that got passed initial "EWWWW" stage and we'd chat back and forth, but those few tended to be either still married or in some complication with a relationship, and again, that is not me. I did a few dates, and they all acted as if they took me to dinner so now I was obliged to put out, and yep...not me! So I decided OLD was not my style and I never did try again.

So HOW did I decide who I was interested in? Well, I chose to go to events in which I was interested. So I went to a new age class, and a yoga class, and a divorce recovery class, etc. I got to know a few men there, and I get along great with men in general so I figured right off the bat, any person I'd meet would have something in common, right? The funny part is that both Dear Hubby and Beloved Hubby I met online--on marriage forums! LOL You know how I just hang here on TAM and kind of "pay it forward"? Well I was doing that on another forum--and on that forum I agreed with the concepts overall but did not agree that the forum-owner's method was absolute perfection; I thought more could be added or taken away and they didn't tolerate that, so off I went! But while on that forum, there was a guy there who was SO smart it caught my eye. He wrote with humor and dry wit, and from his writing I thought he was a neat person. That's what interests me--someone who has character qualities I admire. Likewise for @Emerging Buddhist. I was aware of his presence here on TAM and when I was married and he was married, I thought by his writing that he was thoughtful and patient and kind. Neat person.

Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together?? Ummm...see above. I don't start with sexual attraction and move to liking them as people--I start with like the person they are and them the more I know, the more I admire them, the more attracted I am. To this day, I am more and more attracted to Beloved Hubby because I know him better and he really is who he seems to be here on the forum. But in addition, before Dear Hubby and Beloved Hubby both, I actually thought about the kinds of traits I would find HEALTHY and that would be good for me! So I had an idea in my mind that I'd like to find a man who was at least as smart as I am--maybe smarter. I'd like a man who has a sense of humor like mine--at times sarcastically witty and other times down-home humor. I'd like a man who is patient, kind, and loving in ways that I can understand love. I'd like a man who is calm!!! HUGE character requirement actually for me. I'd like a man who is able to be introspective. I require a man who is honest and open naturally. I admire a man who is a leader but not bossy. I'd like a man who is fiscally responsible and lives within his means. I'd like a man who has a spiritual life. You get the drift, right? And to me, in my 40's and then in my later 50's, the "things we have in common" is MUCH more important that sexual attraction because I want a guy who understands my references to 70's stuff and wants to do the activities I do (including sex). To me, almost everyone thinks of sex backward: I like who the person is as a person first, and that attracts me second...not the other way around. Now, I realize that not everyone is alike so if someone isn't me, they may do it differently. But I don't get to the sexual attraction part until I first get the "I like you as a person" part.

How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner? Okay one thing I found really amusing as others answered was that driving an hour to see another was too much or too far. LOL :p I seriously laughed at that. :D My Beloved Hubby lived 7 hours away from me in another state--now granted his state was just north of mine, but still--it's was 7 hours one way! To me, it was a short drive and he was so worth it! Then again, I've been in all 48 contininental states, and I tend to think of traveling distances by "it's just the state next door" or "oh, one state over to the right." Anyway, I thought of our time apart as personal time and also as if he were in a deployment: I'd count down the days. I wrote him a letter every day. We'd text and call every day. And we saw each other about every other weekend for the weekend. To me, the value was in the person and taking the time to get to know the person. And in our relationship, I think we tend to bring out the best in each other or challenge each other to be better... so instead of having XYZ character traits I'd "like to have" and compromising on one of the traits, it's more like all the traits are present and VW too, and how about working on myself so I don't lean on Z so much?

That being said, there are some things that are absolute, 100% deal breakers for me and for Beloved Hubby, and we have spoken them to each other. Don't lie, cheat or steal. I know for a fact, if I lie, cheat or steal he will leave me and I'll never see him darken my doorstep again, and since he is of value to me, I don't lie, cheat or steal! I also have literal zero tolerance for physical violence against me and a pattern of raging. I won't live with that again. Other than that, I think what's important in a relationship is relating. Relate your thoughts and feelings. Relate your needs and requests. Relate your desires. That's what it's all about, right?
So many things come into play for me. There first has to be an attraction of some sort. I find myself more attracted to a man with intelligence and a good sense of humor but he must be able to do some long walks as I love to hike. If he is flaking, doesn't come thru with his plans or changes them, I am gone in a heart beat!!!! I also cannot deal with the man who is caught up being the victim or speaks of nothing but negativity. I actually been sexually attracted to someone and then let down in the bedroom. I had a situation where a man who was not Mr Suave and did not ooze with compliments keep after me, thought he was going to be a bore in the bedroom but he surprised the socks off me, lol!!!!! I do have some must....besides the usual and what has been mentioned a great sex life is very important to me. I am still with my "tiger" (as I have mentioned him before), over 2 years now. Sometimes I have to shake myself and ask if I am seeing reality here.
 

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I'm just here to say I'm super happy at the moment. Life is good, my business is doing well, my now girlfriend and I are having a great time together and are planning a weekend away in a few weeks which she organized for us. It's a surprise destination. We see one another on the weekends and occasionally a week night. Time with her is calm and filled with laughter. I've not really ever had this before and it feels wonderful. It feels right :)
 

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I'm just here to say I'm super happy at the moment. Life is good, my business is doing well, my now girlfriend and I are having a great time together and are planning a weekend away in a few weeks which she organized for us. It's a surprise destination. We see one another on the weekends and occasionally a week night. Time with her is calm and filled with laughter. I've not really ever had this before and it feels wonderful. It feels right :)
You go gurl


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I'm doing something tonight I haven't done in a very long time.... going on a blind date. LOL. Kind of curious and looking forward to as the person who arranged says she's pretty sure I'm going to like her. She knows me some and that I'm not an especially sensitive sweet serious type guy -- so -- this could be pretty fun. Hoping so.
 
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