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GREAT reply!!!! Thank you so much for all this advice and for sharing so much of your experiences!!!

I am NOT ready to date, I don't think...and I'm certainly NOT ready for online dating (EEEK!!!)...but everything you wrote was very encouraging and made it seem much less terrifying if I am ever ready to go that route!
I think we are very similar, because everything you wrote made perfect sense to me!!! 💜
Good! I was terrified to get back out there, especially after what I read on the 2019 Singles thread 😲. Heck, I never dated before, I sort of fell right into relationships/marriage so it was extremely intimidating.

I decided to just do it, left to my own devices, anything I put off for too long I might never do or take a REALLY long time about it. Honestly, my motivation was plain old hormones after so many years of a sexless marriage, but I don't like the idea of casually drifting from man to man.

Maybe you might change your mind when it hits you that you're free to get jiggy with it now 😉. When you're ready to put a toe out, just do it. Please dish when you do, I'm excited for you! I can't believe what I was missing out on all those wasted years...
 

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Really? My bf and I are limited to weekends because we live over an hour away from each other. When we started dating, it was 2hrs, but I was in the process of moving. I didn't see anyone I was particularly interested in in the city (OLD, I don't get out much), he hadn't met anyone he was interested in for a good year. Then we hit it off so well, we think it's worth the hassle.

We've got to the point where we would like to spend more time together, but we're each juggling commitments. We text pretty much all day every day intermittently and talk when we get a chance. We spend entire weekends together, the dude's seen me when I was particularly gnarly when I had working weekends and he hasn't run yet 🙃.

Nothing worthwhile is easy or completely without sacrifice or compromise. It's up to you to decide if someone or something is worth the effort or not. Missing someone is a good thing, when you don't miss someone and long for a break is when you have issues.
she is very much worth it, and yes I agree missing someone is a really good thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #964 ·
Sexual chemistry is very important. I was asking questions to rule out red flags. Most failed immediately. A couple of them were nice and we had some fun ;) but they didn’t have staying power. Usually because of work, kids, lack of availability or my upfront statements about not being interested in cohabitation and marriage. I was surprised at the number of divorced women who wished to her married again. Upon further pressing, it’s because they got out of the burning plane in a golden parachute (house, kids, child support, alimony).A few did confide in me that the market is”dry” for middle aged men because they don’t want to commit.

Anyway, that was just my experience. It was fun for me. I liked dating and meeting new people. I also found that recently divorced middle aged women were definitely DTF. That was a huge and pleasant surprise to me getting back out there. A few asked about birth control and seemed very relieved I had a vasectomy. Not one asked to use a condom.
I eventually met one, that so far, has some staying power for me.

My advice is to pick 5 absolute, must have, non negotiable dealbreakers. Find out as early as you can if they have those 5 qualities and go from there. Dismiss anyone immediately who fails to go 5 out of 5. Good luck!
What questions can you ask and be sure that they are being honest though?

I was VERY open and honest with my STBX about sex and my drive and what I needed in a monogamous relationship...and he LIED to me and pretended to agree with me.

HOW will I avoid a man like that next time?
 

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What questions can you ask and be sure that they are being honest though?

I was VERY open and honest with my STBX about sex and my drive and what I needed in a monogamous relationship...and he LIED to me and pretended to agree with me.

HOW will I avoid a man like that next time?
I may be a little different in this regard but I'm not a fan of talking about a lot of things. On the surface it seems like a good idea to communicate, and sometimes it is, but that also gives people a chance to lie and ******** as your ex did.

I tend to sit back and watch because people will show you who they are as they head toward their own equilibrium, which they always do.

It's fine to lay out "expectations" but it can be hard to know if they're bullshitting. If your expectation is that you split the bills that's fine to discuss, but intimate and behavioral expectations are different.

I never discussed what I expected in a sex life with my bf...I let things play out so I could decide if it worked for me. Of course I don't know what the future holds but not talking about it gave me a chance to observe how he operates when there are no expectations.

This is of course just me, and I have been known to have communication issues. I just don't trust people to always be honest of they think the relationship is on the line. They may not even be purposefully deceptive....they may really think they can do it, but if you say little and watch they'll be who they are.

The key is to listen. My ex did show me who he was but I didn't listen.
 

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I was VERY open and honest with my STBX about sex and my drive and what I needed in a monogamous relationship...and he LIED to me and pretended to agree with me.
Is that correct, or did he change?
 

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I may be a little different in this regard but I'm not a fan of talking about a lot of things. On the surface it seems like a good idea to communicate, and sometimes it is, but that also gives people a chance to lie and **** as your ex did.
I'm a major talker, to my friends' and acquaintances' detriments.
 

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Discussion Starter · #968 ·
Is that correct, or did he change?
It seemed like he changed, but our subsequent conversations revealed he had lied and deceived me (and I later found out he lied about other things as well)...because he didn't want to lose the chance to be with me.

I think it's like @lifeistooshort said, some things you have to trust a persons ACTIONS instead of their words...but he was only my second partner, and he kept "gaslighting" me and blame shifting, and shaming me...so I kept thinking I must have the problem because I needed alot of sex. I didn't have TAM or anyone else to ask about it so I couldn't figure him out.

He NEVER came right out and said he preferred sex with himself instead of with a partner (which is what the truth is, that took me 15 years to understand).
 

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I may be a little different in this regard but I'm not a fan of talking about a lot of things. On the surface it seems like a good idea to communicate, and sometimes it is, but that also gives people a chance to lie and **** as your ex did.

I tend to sit back and watch because people will show you who they are as they head toward their own equilibrium, which they always do.

It's fine to lay out "expectations" but it can be hard to know if they're bullshitting. If your expectation is that you split the bills that's fine to discuss, but intimate and behavioral expectations are different.

I never discussed what I expected in a sex life with my bf...I let things play out so I could decide if it worked for me. Of course I don't know what the future holds but not talking about it gave me a chance to observe how he operates when there are no expectations.

This is of course just me, and I have been known to have communication issues. I just don't trust people to always be honest of they think the relationship is on the line. They may not even be purposefully deceptive....they may really think they can do it, but if you say little and watch they'll be who they are.

The key is to listen. My ex did show me who he was but I didn't listen.
This is exactly the tack I took for this relationship! Words are meaningless, action is where it's at. My exH had everyone convinced he was Mr. Wonderful, but his actions were not so wonderful. Even 2 years later, I'm still shocked that anyone could live with that level of dissonance. I've always been a more upfront person, "what you see is what you get". People can either like me or not, but they always know where they stand.

It seemed like he changed, but our subsequent conversations revealed he had lied and deceived me (and I later found out he lied about other things as well)...because he didn't want to lose the chance to be with me.

I think it's like @lifeistooshort said, some things you have to trust a persons ACTIONS instead of their words...but he was only my second partner, and he kept "gaslighting" me and blame shifting, and shaming me...so I kept thinking I must have the problem because I needed alot of sex. I didn't have TAM or anyone else to ask about it so I couldn't figure him out.

He NEVER came right out and said he preferred sex with himself instead of with a partner (which is what the truth is, that took me 15 years to understand).
You and I share many experiences, deception, gas-lighting, blame-shifting, lazy lover and I suspect a high tolerance for crap and overly developed sense of loyalty. I still can't conceive how someone could live a lie for so long and put up such a convincing front to everyone, including his own family. Do you know the saying, "Forewarned is forearmed"? Well, I did not ask specific questions, I did not want to "give away my position".

I specified what I was looking for, and communicated my deal breakers. I never asked specific questions about anything, we simply talked, I listened, observed and assessed (still do!!). I was careful not to overshare about my marriage and expectations, despite the fact that my divorce was not finalized when we met. Apparently, I was too closemouthed, so I have relaxed my stance somewhat.

My opinion about human nature is VERY cynical. In my experience, many people tell you what you want to hear to get what they want and seek their advantage. Honest, self-aware people don't use others, but not everyone has scruples, so I attempted to screen for someone who knew who they were, what they wanted, whose values, desires and expectations aligned or meshed with mine.

One hard lesson I am struggling with and working on accepting is, sometimes no matter how much you give, how much effort you expend, how transparent you are or how fair you try to be, there are no guarantees in life and sometimes you will still be disappointed.

Don't be afraid of making mistakes or misjudging people. You simply have no control of what others choose to do (lie, cheat, steal), so focus on you. Decide firmly what your dealbreakers are, assess what you are capable of giving. If you're not already financially independent, work on it. Don't feel intimidated by lacking some of the skillset required to go forward, what you can't do yourself, you can learn how or hire out.

Every day you move forward, you will regain your confidence in yourself and your judgment. I love my bf, but we are 2 individuals living separate lives together. I love having him in my life, but I don't need him. You can't always avoid ****ty people, some people are oscar worthy and maintain an image for decades. But you can learn to recognize when your needs aren't being met, how they respond to your requests when you make your concerns known, and develop enough self-confidence to jettison dead weight and keep moving forward.
 

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Discussion Starter · #973 ·
You gonna have to put that man to the test in the sack and make sure he can keep up.

My wife basically had to hose me down last night. “What are you trying to start something again?” Why yes, yes I am!
Lol!!

Uh-huh...sex early on is NO indication of a person's real sexual nature though. Besides, I prefer to save the sex-o-rama for a guy I know I want and who wants me too!! Lol!
 

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Discussion Starter · #974 ·
This is exactly the tack I took for this relationship! Words are meaningless, action is where it's at. My exH had everyone convinced he was Mr. Wonderful, but his actions were not so wonderful. Even 2 years later, I'm still shocked that anyone could live with that level of dissonance. I've always been a more upfront person, "what you see is what you get". People can either like me or not, but they always know where they stand.


You and I share many experiences, deception, gas-lighting, blame-shifting, lazy lover and I suspect a high tolerance for crap and overly developed sense of loyalty. I still can't conceive how someone could live a lie for so long and put up such a convincing front to everyone, including his own family. Do you know the saying, "Forewarned is forearmed"? Well, I did not ask specific questions, I did not want to "give away my position".

I specified what I was looking for, and communicated my deal breakers. I never asked specific questions about anything, we simply talked, I listened, observed and assessed (still do!!). I was careful not to overshare about my marriage and expectations, despite the fact that my divorce was not finalized when we met. Apparently, I was too closemouthed, so I have relaxed my stance somewhat.

My opinion about human nature is VERY cynical. In my experience, many people tell you what you want to hear to get what they want and seek their advantage. Honest, self-aware people don't use others, but not everyone has scruples, so I attempted to screen for someone who knew who they were, what they wanted, whose values, desires and expectations aligned or meshed with mine.

One hard lesson I am struggling with and working on accepting is, sometimes no matter how much you give, how much effort you expend, how transparent you are or how fair you try to be, there are no guarantees in life and sometimes you will still be disappointed.

Don't be afraid of making mistakes or misjudging people. You simply have no control of what others choose to do (lie, cheat, steal), so focus on you. Decide firmly what your dealbreakers are, assess what you are capable of giving. If you're not already financially independent, work on it. Don't feel intimidated by lacking some of the skillset required to go forward, what you can't do yourself, you can learn how or hire out.

Every day you move forward, you will regain your confidence in yourself and your judgment. I love my bf, but we are 2 individuals living separate lives together. I love having him in my life, but I don't need him. You can't always avoid ****ty people, some people are oscar worthy and maintain an image for decades. But you can learn to recognize when your needs aren't being met, how they respond to your requests when you make your concerns known, and develop enough self-confidence to jettison dead weight and keep moving forward.
This is another very helpful post that is so true!! YOU are the BEST!!!! :love:
 

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Discussion Starter · #975 ·
I may be a little different in this regard but I'm not a fan of talking about a lot of things. On the surface it seems like a good idea to communicate, and sometimes it is, but that also gives people a chance to lie and **** as your ex did.
You are so right, but I just don't understand anyone wanting to do that!!! My STBX had no real answer for me when I asked him, WHY would you lie knowing we wouldn't be happy together sexually???

If there is anything about me that doesn't work for a guy, he should move on, and I would have NO hard feelings about it!!

WHY pick someone who you don't really like or want???? I simply cannot understand such a thing!
 

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You are so right, but I just don't understand anyone wanting to do that!!! My STBX had no real answer for me when I asked him, WHY would you lie knowing we wouldn't be happy together sexually???

If there is anything about me that doesn't work for a guy, he should move on, and I would have NO hard feelings about it!!

WHY pick someone who you don't really like or want???? I simply cannot understand such a thing!
Answers are overrated. I asked my ex why he married me and he said I was the best he was going to do. No mention of love.

He's probably right that he won't upgrade, but it's still a ****ty thing to say.

Maybe yours had this kind of mindset?
 

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You are so right, but I just don't understand anyone wanting to do that!!! My STBX had no real answer for me when I asked him, WHY would you lie knowing we wouldn't be happy together sexually???

If there is anything about me that doesn't work for a guy, he should move on, and I would have NO hard feelings about it!!

WHY pick someone who you don't really like or want???? I simply cannot understand such a thing!
Maybe like mine who just wanted a trophy?


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Maybe like mine who just wanted a trophy?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Mine certainly liked having a much younger trophy.

But it made him feel very inadequate because I was younger, in good shape, and made a lot more money. He needed ego boosting from his cheap ***** and from tearing me down.

One could think I must be dominating at home, but that's not true. In fact I'm pretty laid back. That's why he got away with his passive aggressive crap for so long.
 

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I may be a little different in this regard but I'm not a fan of talking about a lot of things. On the surface it seems like a good idea to communicate, and sometimes it is, but that also gives people a chance to lie and **** as your ex did.

I tend to sit back and watch because people will show you who they are as they head toward their own equilibrium, which they always do.

It's fine to lay out "expectations" but it can be hard to know if they're bullshitting. If your expectation is that you split the bills that's fine to discuss, but intimate and behavioral expectations are different.

I never discussed what I expected in a sex life with my bf...I let things play out so I could decide if it worked for me. Of course I don't know what the future holds but not talking about it gave me a chance to observe how he operates when there are no expectations.

This is of course just me, and I have been known to have communication issues. I just don't trust people to always be honest of they think the relationship is on the line. They may not even be purposefully deceptive....they may really think they can do it, but if you say little and watch they'll be who they are.

The key is to listen. My ex did show me who he was but I didn't listen.
Ho ho now! Some wisdom appeared.😊
 

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What questions can you ask and be sure that they are being honest though?

I was VERY open and honest with my STBX about sex and my drive and what I needed in a monogamous relationship...and he LIED to me and pretended to agree with me.

HOW will I avoid a man like that next time?
Anyone who tells you they were in a sexless marriage is a red flag.
What questions can you ask and be sure that they are being honest though?

I was VERY open and honest with my STBX about sex and my drive and what I needed in a monogamous relationship...and he LIED to me and pretended to agree with me.

HOW will I avoid a man like that next time?
Well, people are going to lie. When you are first meeting someone, you're far more agreeable, sex is positive, and everyone is on their best behavior. It's like a sales pitch, but you have to see through the bs. I learned that when people talk about their prior marriage and claim it was sexless, believe them. Also, assume they were at least 50% to blame for that. Then ask yourself if you want to go down that road again and run for the hills!
 
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