Talk About Marriage banner

441 - 460 of 473 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,588 Posts
I like to explain it for men like THIS...would you get into an enclosed space with a gorilla, if he seemed nice and friendly, but you didn't know if he was tame or not? And if there was no one else around?

Would you consider that prudent in regards to your own safety??
No I totally get it. I’m very concerned for my wife’s safety at all times and it’s usually impossible to tell if someone is a creep, except for me, I am fine. But I mean for most people yes I get it.

I don’t like her trips to the office post Covid because there are not enough people around and there are random dudes out there. I have gone with her a couple times if I didn’t have to work just to act as security.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,588 Posts
I like to explain it for men like THIS...would you get into an enclosed space with a gorilla, if he seemed nice and friendly, but you didn't know if he was tame or not? And if there was no one else around?

Would you consider that prudent in regards to your own safety??
The other thing that came to mind with this analogy was poor Harambe. All he wanted to do was have a grab and a drag and they killed him for it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,316 Posts
Trying to think of when my wife first went to my apartment, thinking maybe second date. She was impressed that my apartment was clean to military standards but not impressed with the contents of my fridge (a few Budweiser bottles and French’s mustard). No head chopping or freezer for her. I did want to have sex with her but I think it was probably another couple weeks.
I’m typically about safety. Yet I did briefly go to Batman’s flat on our first date. We’d been running errands after our planned lunch date, continued hanging out, collected his dry-cleaning and such haha. He had plans to go out with his friends that night but wanted to continue our date instead - with dinner and movie. He wanted to drop his stuff off, quickly change, and tell his friends he wouldn’t be joining them. I didn’t feel uneasy vibes about it; yet it was against what I’d normally do. Back then, no doubt I would have called my mother from a pay-phone to tell her where I was going and what we were doing, just as a courtesy more than anything. He was sharing the flat and a few friends were already there. They tried to convince him to still go out with them and me to join them. He declined this. When he went off to quickly change his shirt, his buddy was jovially hitting on me and Batman returned and told him to back off - and then took my hand and said he was taking me to dinner.

I also made it clear from the start that I wasn’t about casual sex. That wasn’t to ‘make him wait’ rather, it was about me feeling trust and to feel ready within myself to share that with him. Each to their own.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,327 Posts
So because he suggested to meet at his place he wanted a booty call or he wanted her head in his freezer? Nonsense I say.
Brother, you must be completely out of the loop when it comes to dating. It's pretty much an unspoken rule among adults that invites back to his/her place means sex is now on the table, and you don't accept such invites unless you feel the same way. That's adult dating 101.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,194 Posts
When I was in college in the Dark Ages, a male acquaintance gave me a ride back to campus one afternoon. On the way, he mentioned needing to pick up something from his apartment. I planned to wait in his car but he came up with some “reason” for me to go inside and, naive girl that I apparently was, I went. As soon as we got inside, he grabbed me. I slapped the * out of him and told him I would stab him if he touched me again (which was a ridiculous threat since I only carried a baby Swiss Army knife). He immediately took me back to campus and was very civil whenever we ran into each other after that. He did, however, take the opportunity at some point to trash me by telling several of his fraternity brothers that I had had sex with him. I later learned he had a habit of doing that to freshman girls (he was in law school so several years older than me). You never know.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
612 Posts
I do think there's at least the possibility that someone inviting you to their house is actually asking if you want to have sex. There's nothing stopping the person invited to set expectations otherwise though by stating how they feel. Something like, "I could go to a date at your place but I feel like that you would expect something to happen that isn't going to happen." or "I know you well enough to feel safe meeting you at your place but I am not ready for sex." He'd probably still hope that she'd change her mind though.

There is a 100% chance that he's going to think about sex during the date. Full stop. It doesn't actually matter what you are doing on the date or where it is. The date being at one of your houses would make sex more convenient and so it might be more at the forefront but it wouldn't be absent somewhere else.

Treating your date as attractive isn't a problem. Thinking about sex isn't a problem. Feeling entitled to sex or her body is. I gather entitled men are a problem. Having encountered entitled men, some women would want to avoid situations where they would be inadvertently encouraging bad behavior or raise vain hopes. Dates and even first dates could still happen at someone's house but the conditions and people would have to be just right. She'd have to feel safe and confident in him. He'd have to have self control and the right kind of personality.

A lot of the problems women have with the situation wouldn't apply in my case because I'm average woman/girl size. I probably don't come across any more threatening than they do so the worry about threats / force are pretty minimal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,250 Posts
Brother, you must be completely out of the loop when it comes to dating. It's pretty much an unspoken rule among adults that invites back to his/her place means sex is now on the table, and you don't accept such invites unless you feel the same way. That's adult dating 101.
I think he was asking to meet at his place, not invite her back to his place. There is a difference. But I get on a site like this everyone is so jaded they expect the worst out of people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,667 Posts
I think he was asking to meet at his place, not invite her back to his place. There is a difference. But I get on a site like this everyone is so jaded they expect the worst out of people.
Yes , you are right . He invited me to his place , not back to his place .

Having read all the advices and opinions , trying to think out of the box , what advice would I tell my daughter if she tells me the same scenario .

With just a photo and online chat , no name , no telephone number , I think it is putting myself at risk .

Even though he may be a high level professional staying in a nice place , there is always the possibility of drugging the woman so it appears to be consensual sex .

Even though I made clear sex is not on the table , I do not trust a stranger's reply that he understood me .

Finally , what is wrong with just a walk outside if he really want to meet me .

Of course , it crosses my mind that he is separated and not divorced so he may not want to be seen walking a woman in the park yet . So I told him we can have coffee when the Covid lockdown is over in a month . There is no rush .
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,194 Posts
I think you’re wise to be cautious. The law student who grabbed me in his apartment went on to be a very powerful politician in the state we both grew up in. Maybe he changed for the better in the decades since that incident and maybe he didn’t (I say he likely didn’t). But he taught me not to be quite as naive as I had been before and that was a very good lesson to remember.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,667 Posts
Hi , anyway , I offered a picnic very nicely . He prefers coffee at his place .

That night , I had no choice but to state plainly that I prefer a meeting in a public place , any place , is ok .

He did not reply to that and I thought that he would most likely swipe me off like all the others .

But he replied the next noon , just talking like usual with no mention of the meet up .

So we just continue chatting like there was never the meetup issue . I must say our communication flows well , although he seems the quieter person while I am the chatty one .

I am just puzzled what is this guy looking for ? My gf said he was just communicating out of boredom , it has been a month of texting ( 2.5 weeks on weekends , escalating to 1.5 weeks of daily texts , all lasting throughout the day , but of course with hours apart at times while we are both working ) and he said that he only texts playfully and flirtatiously to me . He has since stopped messages suggesting of sex since the day I mentioned I am not comfortable going to his place , with the amount of playful sex talks . Nothing wrong with sex talks , just that we don't know each other well enough yet .

My gf is fine with the casual sex and has them regularly and told me most guys don't text this much without a meetup and sex by this time . So we are both baffled .

Anyway , I am fine with just texting for now since the communication is always fun and engaging and I am not rushing for any relationship . I just wanted to screen thoroughly for one that will last . No unnecessary heart breaks .
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,667 Posts
I think you’re wise to be cautious. The law student who grabbed me in his apartment went on to be a very powerful politician in the state we both grew up in. Maybe he changed for the better in the decades since that incident and maybe he didn’t (I say he likely didn’t). But he taught me not to be quite as naive as I had been before and that was a very good lesson to remember.
Powerful politician ? Hopefully , he finds willing partners and not force himself on unwilling ones .

Yes , I prefer to err on the side of caution . I have a male friend who was invited to a male client's place , beer and snack , and the client (40+ years old then) raped my friend (28 years old then) . My guy friend was just sharing me this at 40+ years old confiding to me his sexual orientation and all the years of trauma .

Never wrong to be careful .

If a man cannot respect that , I don't think he will be a nice bf or husband to have . So it is ok if he swipe me off .
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,194 Posts
Powerful politician ? Hopefully , he finds willing partners and not force himself on unwilling ones .

Yes , I prefer to err on the side of caution . I have a male friend who was invited to a male client's place , beer and snack , and the client (40+ years old then) raped my friend (28 years old then) . My guy friend was just sharing me this at 40+ years old confiding to me his sexual orientation and all the years of trauma .

Never wrong to be careful .

If a man cannot respect that , I don't think he will be a nice bf or husband to have . So it is ok if he swipe me off .
I’ve sometimes wondered if he ever moved beyond targeting 18 year old girls in his many decades of power. Apparently, there had been a number of them before me. I stopped being so trusting that day. Caution is always good.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,316 Posts
When I was in college in the Dark Ages, a male acquaintance gave me a ride back to campus one afternoon. On the way, he mentioned needing to pick up something from his apartment. I planned to wait in his car but came up with some “reason” for me to go inside and, naive girl that I apparently was, I went. As soon as we got inside, he grabbed me. I slapped the * out of him and told him I would stab him if he touched me again (which was a ridiculous threat since I only carried a baby Swiss Army knife). He immediately took me back to campus and was very civil whenever we ran into each other after that. He did, however, take the opportunity at some point to trash me by telling several of his fraternity brothers that I had had sex with him. I later learned he had a habit of doing that to freshman girls (he was in law school so several years older than me). You never know.
I'm glad you stood up to him and was okay.

I don't view being careful and having an awareness of safety as being jaded. I'd just consider it as balancing risk.

Typically, most women have either encountered similar, or know someone that has.

A friend that willingly had casual sex with a guy that she'd just started dating, ended up with him becoming unexpectedly violent and roughed her up; she had to call the police, bruises over her body. I mean, this stuff does happen. Add to that scenarios such as unknowingly being recorded while having sex. However..!! That doesn't equate to the majority of men, of course not, yet the potential risk needs to be weighed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,667 Posts
Hi , anyway , I offered a picnic very nicely . He prefers coffee at his place .

That night , I had no choice but to state plainly that I prefer a meeting in a public place , any place , is ok .

He did not reply to that and I thought that he would most likely swipe me off like all the others .

But he replied the next noon , just talking like usual with no mention of the meet up .

So we just continue chatting like there was never the meetup issue . I must say our communication flows well , although he seems the quieter person while I am the chatty one .

I am just puzzled what is this guy looking for ? My gf said he was just communicating out of boredom , it has been a month of texting ( 2.5 weeks on weekends , escalating to 1.5 weeks of daily texts , all lasting throughout the day , but of course with hours apart at times while we are both working ) and he said that he only texts playfully and flirtatiously to me . He has since stopped messages suggesting of sex since the day I mentioned I am not comfortable going to his place , with the amount of playful sex talks . Nothing wrong with sex talks , just that we don't know each other well enough yet .

My gf is fine with the casual sex and has them regularly and told me most guys don't text this much without a meetup and sex by this time . So we are both baffled .

Anyway , I am fine with just texting for now since the communication is always fun and engaging and I am not rushing for any relationship . I just wanted to screen thoroughly for one that will last . No unnecessary heart breaks .
Can someone give me an insight ?

This guy continue to text me like his long time girlfriend/wife , seriously my ex husband doesn't even text me this way but I guess that's why he is ex .

He will text daily . If he was really busy , he will text at the end of workday , telling me how busy/exhausted/hungry he was . And asked what I was doing . And he replies my text rather instantly with short messages and later , when I asked , explained he was in a meeting . He will always asked what I am doing as well throughout the day as well . on weekends , the text is pretty much throughout the day , updating our activities and chatting .

However , we have not meet , as mentioned above . He will always say things like let's catch a movie one day and other things suggesting of a future relationship .

Is he interested in me ? Is he texting me out of boredom ?

I am wondering .

He is texting me more than my ex ever texted
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
612 Posts
Can someone give me an insight ?

This guy continue to text me like his long time girlfriend/wife , seriously my ex husband doesn't even text me this way but I guess that's why he is ex .

He will text daily . If he was really busy , he will text at the end of workday , telling me how busy/exhausted/hungry he was . And asked what I was doing . And he replies my text rather instantly with short messages and later , when I asked , explained he was in a meeting . He will always asked what I am doing as well throughout the day as well . on weekends , the text is pretty much throughout the day , updating our activities and chatting .

However , we have not meet , as mentioned above . He will always say things like let's catch a movie one day and other things suggesting of a future relationship .

Is he interested in me ? Is he texting me out of boredom ?

I am wondering .

He is texting me more than my ex ever texted
It could be any number of things.

I'm messaging someone a lot (for me) and we haven't met yet.

Part of the reason is that it is a novel experience. She seems interested in what I say and we've bonded over common experiences. We both see potential issues with a relationship so we're taking it slow in terms of meeting and whatnot. Right now, it is comfortable and safe for both of us partially due to the distance. I'm talking to her as the first woman post-divorce and I'm #2 for her after a 5 month relationship after her divorce.

I think about her a lot during the day but I know intellectually that it is likely rebound hormones at work. I'm not malicious or selfish or whatever. I legitimately like talking to her and would want to see her but that will come in its own time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,667 Posts
We both see potential issues with a relationship so we're taking it slow in terms of meeting and whatnot. Right now, it is comfortable and safe for both
I made clear that I don't wish to venture beyond friendship as he is separated ( though for years ) but legally married .

He acknowledged that he wouldn't and can't mess with me .

So , the temptation to meet is there for movie , etc , as it is sometimes mentioned , but always with reference to sometime in the future .

Of course , I am always careful and guarded , in case , it is a fake that the divorce is coming up . I don't wish to be taken for a ride .
 
441 - 460 of 473 Posts
Top