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Question for you single ladies: assume you are sexually on the more inexperienced side. You’re middle aged and have not tried certain things for whatever reasons. You meet someone who has done those things. Let’s just say anal or bondage or public sex for argument sake. You tell your new partner that you’ve never done it even though you’ve been sexually active with multiple partners in your life. Two questions:

1) how open would you be to exploring if you were comfortable with the guy?

2) if you were open, would it be to just satisfy your partner or would you explore for your own curiosity?

Edited to say that the reason I ask is because I am living it current gf. While I appreciate her openness, I’d prefer she doesn’t change just for me. I don’t want that weight on my shoulders nor have I asked her to. Yes, before anyone asks, I do plan on talking to her about it because we can talk about anything. I was just looking for insight going into that conversation.
Oh this post was tailor made for me lol! I have the exact same background as your GF. She’s a big girl and will do or not do what she wants.

I personally had limited experience as an adult (long story) but always knew I was way more into sex than my situation would allow. The drive was there but the know how, for lack of better terminology, and opportunity wasn’t. I am currently unleashing the lion with my SO and he’s more then ecstatic to have a willing student. He’s got a ton more experience than I do and I look at it like I’m the one reaping all the benefits from his past.

I think you two should have a good talk. If she’s willing to experiment that’s a good sign. I’m willing to try anything at least once with a few exceptions. Find out what her exceptions are and work from there.
 

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Personally, I'm not going to do anything sexually that I'm not interested in doing, regardless how much my partner wants to try it. At this age, I'd rather find a mutually sexually compatible partner than one where I have to placate or be placated. I'm willing to placate in other areas but not with sex.

I do think it's the responsibility of the more experienced partner to figure out their less experienced partner's boundaries and how comfortable they are with experimenting. A big part of that conversation is knowing they can change their mind at any point and it won't be held against them.
I have to be honest, this sounds a lot like a prelude to HD/LD and gatekeeping sex from the more experienced person. I would agree that if you are LD or vanilla, you should meet someone that matches that. If not....well, there’s a thousand threads on TAM that will show everyone how that plays out. Lol
 

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Oh this post was tailor made for me lol! I have the exact same background as your GF. She’s a big girl and will do or not do what she wants.

I personally had limited experience as an adult (long story) but always knew I was way more into sex than my situation would allow. The drive was there but the know how, for lack of better terminology, and opportunity wasn’t. I am currently unleashing the lion with my SO and he’s more then ecstatic to have a willing student. He’s got a ton more experience than I do and I look at it like I’m the one reaping all the benefits from his past.

I think you two should have a good talk. If she’s willing to experiment that’s a good sign. I’m willing to try anything at least once with a few exceptions. Find out what her exceptions are and work from there.
Thank you for that, Not. It sounds like a similar situation as mine and you are handling it much like my gf is. Thank you for admitting that you are trying and actually enjoy going outside your comfort zone. Maybe not comfort zone, but you are trying new thinks that you hadn’t previously for whatever reasons. Too many relationships are killed by vanilla people staying vanilla without even trying. Having said that, I am a firm believer in trying, and if you don’t like something, you can take a pass. It’s the way I feel about seafood. I hate it, won’t ever eat it, but I have certainly tried it multiple times.
 

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The current discussion about establishing boundaries and suggesting activities is both exciting and has a little anxiety. The last time I was starting a relationship we were both virgins so there weren't any preconceived opinions or limits.

The first time I suggested something she called a friend to ask if I was asking to do something weird to her (oral sex). That is, was I some kind of pervert she should avoid and was it something she might enjoy. When she had her first ever orgasm that time, it was basically a perpetual green light for anything I suggested for about a decade.

The next relationship is not going to be with a naive virgin. There's going to be previous experience and opinions. I'm going to have to discuss things like that in ways I haven't ever had to do before. That could be exciting foreplay or (especially since I haven't really had to have those discussions before) it could come across as "girl boner" killing tentativeness.

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Thank you for that, Not. It sounds like a similar situation as mine and you are handling it much like my gf is. Thank you for admitting that you are trying and actually enjoy going outside your comfort zone. Maybe not comfort zone, but you are trying new thinks that you hadn’t previously for whatever reasons. Too many relationships are killed by vanilla people staying vanilla without even trying. Having said that, I am a firm believer in trying, and if you don’t like something, you can take a pass. It’s the way I feel about seafood. I hate it, won’t ever eat it, but I have certainly tried it multiple times.
I think, now, the experimenting will be something that sort of happens on its own. Like a natural excitement when two compatible people meet and they can’t wait to take these adventures together. My ex husband and I weren’t compatible at all so the adventures never would have happened, ever. It was all vanilla. But there was no natural passion either, we never connected that way so it wasn’t possible to have that excitement between us. No ones fault, it just was what it was.
 

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I have to be honest, this sounds a lot like a prelude to HD/LD and gatekeeping sex from the more experienced person. I would agree that if you are LD or vanilla, you should meet someone that matches that. If not....well, there’s a thousand threads on TAM that will show everyone how that plays out. Lol

Maybe I didn't make myself clear on the more experienced person being responsible. What I meant by that is that if you wait until the inexperienced partner brings up non-vanilla ideas then you're (general you) probably going to be waiting a long time.

The best way to find out if you're (general you) sexually compatible is for the more experienced person to bring up the non-vanilla things they find enjoyable and would like to try with the non-experienced person. If the non-experienced person shows no interest to experiment then the more experienced person has a decision to make.
 

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Maybe I didn't make myself clear on the more experienced person being responsible. What I meant by that is that if you wait until the inexperienced partner brings up non-vanilla ideas then you're (general you) probably going to be waiting a long time.

The best way to find out if you're (general you) sexually compatible is for the more experienced person to bring up the non-vanilla things they find enjoyable and would like to try with the non-experienced person. If the non-experienced person shows no interest to experiment then the more experienced person has a decision to make.
I understand what you are saying. I didn’t have to bring it up because she asked what I liked and I told her. There were a couple of things she hadn’t tried in her life and told me that. It (the discussions) didn’t go any further. Now she is just doing them. I’m just curious as to why? Please me? Her curiosity? I can ask, but I think I’m going to just go with it. I’m trying not to over analyze this situation (which is hard for me).

By the way, it’s a two way street. I have gone hiking with her twice and we spent a day at an arboretum, two things I’ve never done.

Edited to say, I didn’t even know what an arboretum was. Also, this is all new to me because I guess the give and take and new experiences (sexual and non sexual) is how a relationship is supposed to work. I’ve only known dysfunction in the past.
 

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So, without quoting anyone, my new gf has been with quite a few partners, mostly before her 18 year marriage and and a few after. She has way more partners than I have, because, well I’ve pretty much been married my entire adult like to two ex’s. That being said, she made it clear what’s she done and hasn’t done. I’ve done a lot more. She wants to explore and we have been. So my question was, is she exploring at 48 because she’s trying to please me, or is it possible she really wants to explore? I hope it the latter, because I don’t want a woman changing for me. I don’t want that burden. So I was asking if other women would be adventurous later in life or not. Make sense?
I think you should be asking her for specifics, not us for generalities.

Either she'll be honest and introspective about being open to trying new things, or she'll be manipulative and only doing it to keep you on the hook. Hopefully you have some inkling of which kind of reaction you get by previous experience with her. Has she been open to doing new activities or trying new foods with you? Does she have a sense of adventure in other ways?
 

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I think during that conversation you need to focus on whether she wants to try certain things and leave her number of partners completely out of it so that that doesn't become an issue.

Unless the reason you want to try these things is because you have less experience and therefore never got a chance to, in which case you could tell her I never got a chance to try these, how do you feel about it. If you have no experience doing it and she is hesitant to try, she might be less so if she knew that wasn't your focus or thing but just something you never tried. I do hope we're talking about someone that you've already been dating awhile and not just someone you're talking to on the internet thinking about asking out because this is way too much information to be talkin about to anyone you haven't already been sleeping with.
 

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The last week has been utter poo. A death in my family of a very young one from OD as well as a cancer diagnosis with a three month life expectancy. Life just keeps hammering away at so many people this year. My D25 will now be staying with great grandma on a daily basis to help with her care. D25 moved back home from the west coast end of December and was taking her time looking for the right job, which I told her to do. Then Covid hit and no jobs. So I guess life has decided what direction her life will take for the time being.

Great Grandma is exH's grandmother. I've known this woman for almost 30 years. His family would never exclude me and I'm so glad because she's been a big part of my life and I want to be there and say goodbye when the time comes. My son is very close to her. She would spend hours at night rocking him when he had colick and she became so attached, he's been "hers" ever since. My son is coming home now (military) so that he can see her while she's still here and before the cancer begins to turn her into something he won't want to see. He's not going to want to go back, this is going to be so hard on him.

Today is the funeral for Tanks mom. Several days ago he asked me to go with him. This man touches me in ways no man ever has, he is so sweet. Typically I would be uncomfortable attending because we've only been dating for four months but his family has been very warm toward me and one sister in particular has been very welcoming.

I had bought some sky lanterns for the fourth of July that never got used and gave them to Tank with the suggestion that maybe he could release them with his kids in her honor one night. He's going to release them with his family and kids tonight. Part of me feels like an intruder and that I shouldn't be there but another part of me feels like I should go with the flow and let him pull me into his family. The fact that he wants me there tells me a lot.
 

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Because, as silly as it sounds, I always felt guilty if I did or spent anything for myself. I know, I can't blame that on the XW, that it was my own insecurity. I am learning to treat myself better these days.
I've always WANTED my husband to buy a Harley!!! Lol!
I think it's wonderful that you bought one! How FUN!!!
 

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Just realised something from another thread... almost 3 years ago my girlfriend when I first met her worked at as corporate reception, and was hit on 60-100x a day. The love note I gave her that day was actually the third she already received - the other two she dumped straight in the bin. Then she decided enough was enough and work at a bank, and I thought that people would be more reserved but she got hit on 3-5x a day by her colleagues instead!!! I was shocked.

Then she worked in customer care and it was back to 20-100x again depending on where they placed her. Then the virus hit and she studied online for a while after being stood down, was a nice break! But then... since we are on our road to recovery our universities are bringing students back in. And I thought... oh ****, here we go again. But guess how many people hit on her? NONE! And now I know why... she now has to wear a mask 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 !!! Feels SOOO weird, like I've been so used to it last 3 years.

Anyway... carry on lol
 

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The last week has been utter poo.
Hang in there, love.

Today is the funeral for Tanks mom. Several days ago he asked me to go with him. This man touches me in ways no man ever has, he is so sweet. Typically I would be uncomfortable attending because we've only been dating for four months but his family has been very warm toward me and one sister in particular has been very welcoming.

I had bought some sky lanterns for the fourth of July that never got used and gave them to Tank with the suggestion that maybe he could release them with his kids in her honor one night. He's going to release them with his family and kids tonight. Part of me feels like an intruder and that I shouldn't be there but another part of me feels like I should go with the flow and let him pull me into his family. The fact that he wants me there tells me a lot.
Don't be afraid to go, it's awesome how much he trusts you. You sound like you always behave appropriately wherever you go, so, I'm sure you won't intrude at all. Personally, I'd go as a show of support, and hang back to let them do their thing. Your instincts are already speaking to you, trust them. Yes, I know that's hard, but think objectively, how often they're been right.
 

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She wants to explore and we have been. So my question was, is she exploring at 48 because she’s trying to please me, or is it possible she really wants to explore? I hope it the latter, because I don’t want a woman changing for me. I don’t want that burden. So I was asking if other women would be adventurous later in life or not. Make sense?
Many women are becoming moree adventerous later in life because finally they feel free and they know what they want and are no longer afraid to ask for it.
 

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That’s interesting exchange you guys are having on here. Place to learn for someone who will be back to dating game after 25 years...
 

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That’s interesting exchange you guys are having on here. Place to learn for someone who will be back to dating game after 25 years...
I’m sorry to hear that, or maybe it’s a good thing? Don’t know your backstory but I wanted to say dating has been fun. Keep your expectations reasonable, and you will have a good time. One thing I learned is to keep an open mind. Who you date is NOT your ex, so keep prior life’s baggage out of the way. Easier said than done, but I’m learning. Good luck!
 

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Hang in there, love.


Don't be afraid to go, it's awesome how much he trusts you. You sound like you always behave appropriately wherever you go, so, I'm sure you won't intrude at all. Personally, I'd go as a show of support, and hang back to let them do their thing. Your instincts are already speaking to you, trust them. Yes, I know that's hard, but think objectively, how often they're been right.
Thanks TX. I’m glad I went. I do tend to overthink but decided to follow his lead versus questioning him as to wether or not he was sure about it. If he’s comfortable with it I should be too.
 
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