[LisaDiane]

I have tried to keep the holidays as close as normal for the kids as a can. Actually, I have tried to keep most things as close to normal for them. To varying results. LOL

For me, I don't feel the weirdness anymore. This is my life now and I have thrown myself into it. If that makes sense?

How many kids do you have, and how old are they? Do you have full custody?

Thanks! I think my wounds are finally starting to heal. I don't think about what happen anymore and it doesn't tear me up inside during those times when I do have to talk/see the ex. Isn't progress great?!?

This is great for you!! Just remember, the end of significant relationships is really like a death, and you are going to fully go through the grieving process...there is NO way to circumvent any of it. You have to just deal with it the best you can, and be ready for how painful it can be. BUT...there IS healing on the other side!! And freedom...and PEACE.

 

[Numb26]

How many kids do you have, and how old are they? Do you have full custody?


This is great for you!! Just remember, the end of significant relationships is really like a death, and you are going to fully go through the grieving process...there is NO way to circumvent any of it. You have to just deal with it the best you can, and be ready for how painful it can be. BUT...there IS healing on the other side!! And freedom...and PEACE.

3 kids. 2 girls 12 and 6, boy 10. I have full custody, ex has state supervised visitations.

 

[LisaDiane]

3 kids. 2 girls 12 and 6, boy 10. I have full custody, ex has state supervised visitations.

Oh boy...I can't imagine the horror-show that lead to that, but you seem like you are climbing out of it now at least.
I'm sure you know, but there are still going to be emotional lows for you before you are even close to fully healed, you just keep marching forward. Feel the sad/hurt/hopeless feelings and then let them go!

I hope your kids are doing well...what a terrible age for them to go through this. Mine were a little younger, but that almost made it easier, because they weren't fully aware of what was happening, and I could tell them any fairy tale story about things, and they would feel secure and happy with it. Just love them fiercely, and alot of it will heal on it's own for them.

 

[Numb26]

Oh boy...I can't imagine the horror-show that lead to that, but you seem like you are climbing out of it now at least.
I'm sure you know, but there are still going to be emotional lows for you before you are even close to fully healed, you just keep marching forward. Feel the sad/hurt/hopeless feelings and then let them go!

I hope your kids are doing well...what a terrible age for them to go through this. Mine were a little younger, but that almost made it easier, because they weren't fully aware of what was happening, and I could tell them any fairy tale story about things, and they would feel secure and happy with it. Just love them fiercely, and alot of it will heal on it's own for them.

It's the oldest that is having the most issues

 

[LisaDiane]

It's the oldest that is having the most issues

How awful...she's at the worst age for all that mess. Is she able to see a counselor where she can vent all her painful feelings?

 

[Numb26]

How awful...she's at the worst age for all that mess. Is she able to see a counselor where she can vent all her painful feelings?

I have her in therapy but she refuses to talk to her mother

 

[LisaDiane]

I have her in therapy but she refuses to talk to her mother

Well, as someone who has always had a very contentious relationship with her own mother, I hope her choice is being respected and supported. It might make her mom feel bad, but that's not really your daughter's responsibility to fix...SHE is the child, her responsibility in any relationship with her parents is to be the one allowed to BE herself, and FEEL the way she needs to feel. No child's job is to protect or take care of their parent, especially emotionally. It's too great a burden for any child. Of course she's angry, she's right and deserves to have permission to feel that way.

Not that you aren't doing that, or doing anything wrong, but it's similar to the burden that my mom put on me (and my siblings), so I definitely identify with your daughter more than her mother.

It's great that she is in therapy...she will learn coping skills that she will be able to use for the rest of her life!

 

[Numb26]

Well, as someone who has always had a very contentious relationship with her own mother, I hope her choice is being respected and supported. It might make her mom feel bad, but that's not really your daughter's responsibility to fix...SHE is the child, her responsibility in any relationship with her parents is to be the one allowed to BE herself, and FEEL the way she needs to feel. No child's job is to protect or take care of their parent, especially emotionally. It's too great a burden for any child. Of course she's angry, she's right and deserves to have permission to feel that way.

Not that you aren't doing that, or doing anything wrong, but it's similar to the burden that my mom put on me (and my siblings), so I definitely identify with your daughter more than her mother.

It's great that she is in therapy...she will learn coping skills that she will be able to use for the rest of her life!

Believe me, I have never once forced her to see or talk to her mom. All I have ever said was that no matter what has happened that the ex will always be her mother.

 

[Lila]

Being as this is the singles thread, and most of us are trying to date, I thought it would be interesting to talk about..... Talking.

What are some of your secrets to being a good conversationalist?

 

[TXTrini]

Being as this is the singles thread, and most of us are trying to date, I thought it would be interesting to talk about..... Talking.

What are some of your secrets to being a good conversationalist?

Although I'm an introvert, I can talk to anyone about quite a variety of topics. My tips are to be observant, listen not just to give a retort, but to ask questions that show interest and garner info on the down-low. Paying attention to body language can also indicate if someone is bored, upset, or annoyed.

Not to mention, people love when you're interested in them, especially if you bring up relevant details they may have mentioned earlier in that conversation, or previous conversations. It shows you care and makes them feel seen. I've maintained friendships with men who I didn't hit it off romantically, but they valued candor, humor, and kindness.

I try to be authentic, even if it makes me look stupid, not everyone appreciates my sense of humor, but I rather offend someone right off the bat cause if a dude's too serious or judgy, we're not going to get along, much less go to boogytown. I've found it makes other people comfortable with me, b/c they see me in my imperfection and they become less anxious and free to talk about all sorts of things.

I find that if you can ferret out something someone is passionate about, you can gain a lot of insight into their character. Even simple topics can leader to deeper conversation on someone's values. When I was dating, I didn't do pointed 20 questions, I'd share something about me, and usually that led to them sharing something about them, and so it went.

 

[LisaDiane]

Believe me, I have never once forced her to see or talk to her mom. All I have ever said was that no matter what has happened that the ex will always be her mother.

I wasn't trying to judge you or tell you what to do at all - you know your daughter, her mother, and the situation more than I do!!

I know how trying and overwhelming what you are dealing with is, my kids have had NO contact with their father since we left, and they are all in their early 20s. They are happy and well-adjusted, and actually really fun people for me to be around!! That's the best part of being a parent to me, I've created my own "tribe" of my most favorite people in the world!!!! It's been worth all the struggle and sacrifice. Hang in there...you sound like you are doing just fine!

 

[RebuildingMe]

Being as this is the singles thread, and most of us are trying to date, I thought it would be interesting to talk about..... Talking.

What are some of your secrets to being a good conversationalist?

I try to listen and ask follow up questions on what they are speaking about, even if I have no interest. I remember specific things they say and bring them up at later times. You’d be surprised how impressed people can be when you remembered the littlest detail. I have been a manager for a very long time and I’ve had to work on conversations over the years. I’ve gotten better, I think. I’m still rather direct and that turns some people off. More so on TAM then in real life.

 

[Hiner112]

It's kind of interesting how all of the separations and divorces overlap.

@notmyjamie separated Oct 2018 and divorced Feb 2020
@Numb26 single since Sept 2019
I separated Sept 2018 and divorced March 2020
@RebuildingMe has been in divorce purgatory forever but when I first got here when I was separating he seemed to be in a similar situation then.

 

[Lila]

Although I'm an introvert, I can talk to anyone about quite a variety of topics. My tips are to be observant, listen not just to give a retort, but to ask questions that show interest and garner info on the down-low. Paying attention to body language can also indicate if someone is bored, upset, or annoyed.

Not to mention, people love when you're interested in them, especially if you bring up relevant details they may have mentioned earlier in that conversation, or previous conversations. It shows you care and makes them feel seen. I've maintained friendships with men who I didn't hit it off romantically, but they valued candor, humor, and kindness.

I try to be authentic, even if it makes me look stupid, not everyone appreciates my sense of humor, but I rather offend someone right off the bat cause if a dude's too serious or judgy, we're not going to get along, much less go to boogytown. I've found it makes other people comfortable with me, b/c they see me in my imperfection and they become less anxious and free to talk about all sorts of things.

I find that if you can ferret out something someone is passionate about, you can gain a lot of insight into their character. Even simple topics can leader to deeper conversation on someone's values. When I was dating, I didn't do pointed 20 questions, I'd share something about me, and usually that led to them sharing something about them, and so it went.

I share many of the same communication styles that you mention above.

I rely a lot on body language and voice inflection/tone/pace to communicate in a "not just the facts/lawyerish" way. Texting and other non verbal ways of communicating are very difficult for me. I come off as a robot when I don't have the body language or voice to tell me how the other person feels. Is there a trick to sounding smooth in text?

 

[Lila]

I try to listen and ask follow up questions on what they are speaking about, even if I have no interest. I remember specific things they say and bring them up at later times. You’d be surprised how impressed people can be when you remembered the littlest detail. I have been a manager for a very long time and I’ve had to work on conversations over the years. I’ve gotten better, I think. I’m still rather direct and that turns some people off. More so on TAM then in real life.

Listening is a dying art. Ever read the one minute manager?

I understand asking questions to not be rude but in a date situation, why would you continue down s line if questioning where you have no interest? No right or wrong answer, just curious.

 

[Lila]

It's kind of interesting how all of the separations and divorces overlap.

@notmyjamie separated Oct 2018 and divorced Feb 2020
@Numb26 single since Sept 2019
I separated Sept 2018 and divorced March 2020
@RebuildingMe has been in divorce purgatory forever but when I first got here when I was separating he seemed to be in a similar situation then.

I'm in that pack as well. Separated August 2018, divorced December 2018.

 

[RebuildingMe]

Listening is a dying art. Ever read the one minute manager?

I understand asking questions to not be rude but in a date situation, why would you continue down s line if questioning where you have no interest? No right or wrong answer, just curious.

Yes I have read that book. Also, who moved my cheese. I think it’s required reading for all managers at one point or another.

I may have interest in the person, not the topic. So asking about something that excites them enough that they want to talk about it shows overall interest.

 

[Affaircare]

What a disaster

I realize you wrote this 3 days ago, but you never went any further. You okay?

 

[lifeistooshort]

I find that acknowledging what you heard goes a long way and asking more questions is a bonus. Even if its not something you think you'd be interested in you might be surprised if you keep an open mind.

Ask questions that you would like to know about and you can find many things interesting. Don't wait for your partner to offer things you find interesting.

My bf's job isn't one I'd want but I'll still ask him about his more difficult cases and I do find the answers interesting.

An engaged partner if both a more interested and interesting partner, and you can learn a lot about someone just by listening to their day to day stories.

 

[TXTrini]

I share many of the same communication styles that you mention above.

I rely a lot on body language and voice inflection/tone/pace to communicate in a "not just the facts/lawyerish" way. Texting and other non verbal ways of communicating are very difficult for me. I come off as a robot when I don't have the body language or voice to tell me how the other person feels. Is there a trick to sounding smooth in text?

Ha! You're my com twin then. I HATE text and come across as "clinical" or grumpy to quote my bf. His problem, since he prefers texting to calling and I take great pleasur in reminding him of that every time he complains when I'm too logical or short.

If there's a trick to sounding smooth in text, share it!

I'm in that pack as well. Separated August 2018, divorced December 2018.

Add me in. DD 09/19, filed 10/19, divorce final 03/20.