[Numb26]

Oooh, i know all about feeling lonely. There's no quick fix however what did help me was to understand and accept that loneliness is all too common. You and I are not unique in our feelings nor is there anything wrong with us. It's a very normal part of life. The key is not to let it drown us.

My fix to loneliness was to nurture the existing relationships I had in my life. As part of this process I culled the herd, so to speak. I removed relationships that brought me sadness, angst, anger, or any one of the other negative feelings. This left me with more time and energy to cultivate the positive relationships in my life. This one act set me up with a robust social support network. Don't get me wrong, I still miss have a significant other....on occasion.... But I don't feel lonely.... Ever.

My fix was to throw myself into all the things I do to better myself and the life I want for my kids and I. Moved, work, competitions, hobbies, kids activities..... all fill my days. But at night, when the kids are in bed and the house is quiet. Thats the worst time of day

 

[LisaDiane]

Now if there was a quick fix for loneliness, I would be set

There are rarely ever any quick fixes for anything, especially things that are valuable and need time to deepen and grow into something that meets our needs as human beings - relationships (of any kind) are in that category.

Also, there ARE people who need relationships in order to feel whole, and that's NOT a weakness in my opinion. In fact, it takes a certain strength to connect emotionally with other people, and I've noticed when I feel strong, I reach out, but when I feel weak, I retreat. If you discover you are someone who needs and wants a significant relationship to be fully happy, GOOD for YOU!! Of course, that doesn't make the finding of one any easier, but if you know what you need, you can focus on finding it instead of denying that part of yourself trying to be a different person than you really are.

But with that being said, there are things you can do that will help you feel more connected and less lonely. You can come on here and post, you can go on other sites for people with similar interests to you and post, you can get out and meet new people...do you have family? When my kids were babies, and I'd be up late into the night feeding them or rocking them or whatever, I could call my aunt, who was a night-owl too, and have the best talks!! It made the tedium enjoyable and are some of my FAVORITE memories!!!

The important thing is to readjust your expectations of how to get your needs met, and find new ways to accomplish that. There are a whole bunch of different experiences available to you, you just need to find them and welcome them!!

 

[RebuildingMe]

My fix was to throw myself into all the things I do to better myself and the life I want for my kids and I. Moved, work, competitions, hobbies, kids activities..... all fill my days. But at night, when the kids are in bed and the house is quiet. Thats the worst time of day

People tend to find their way back to TAM at times of despair. There’s nothing wrong with that. Look at the bright side, you have your sleeping children with you at night. Many single dad’s don’t. Read, post, research, watch a good movie, get into a Netflix series...all things you can do at night. Have you tried OLD? I go to the gym at night, takes my mind off of things for an hour or so. Every hour counts for mental sanity.

 

[Numb26]

People tend to find their way back to TAM at times of despair. There’s nothing wrong with that. Look at the bright side, you have your sleeping children with you at night. Many single dad’s don’t. Read, post, research, watch a good movie, get into a Netflix series...all things you can do at night. Have you tried OLD? I go to the gym at night, takes my mind off of things for an hour or so. Every hour counts for mental sanity.

I still lift 2 hours every day in the morning and work on my classes at night after kids go down for the night. In between is just as busy. Keeping busy was my salvation in the beginning, now it has become a way of life. As far as dating, I do have them on occasion but I am not ready for anything more then casual right now.

 

[TXTrini]

September of 2019. I think what it is is that now that everything is over; the divorce, the court hearings, etc, and I have settled into my new life I don't have those excuses to use anymore

I'm operating on the same time frame as you and it is weird to be single. Granted I have a bf, but even that is nowhere near the same. We live our lives autonomously and spend every other weekend together. Right now, we're split dealing with separate households, and caring for our loved ones in the current winter crisis.

I caught myself thinking Hmm it would have been easier to deal with this crap with my ex, but I don't miss him. Then again, I realized I was the one making all the critical decisions ANYWAY very decisively, so it's business as usual and while I miss having the backup in the same household, I'm fine without it.

It's been a really weird week for me and I feel "off" not being part of a team. It's really highlighting the difference for me between a bf and a husband, I just don't consider them on the same level b/c I don't feel nearly as invested.

There are rarely ever any quick fixes for anything, especially things that are valuable and need time to deepen and grow into something that meets our needs as human beings - relationships (of any kind) are in that category.

Also, there ARE people who need relationships in order to feel whole, and that's NOT a weakness in my opinion. In fact, it takes a certain strength to connect emotionally with other people, and I've noticed when I feel strong, I reach out, but when I feel weak, I retreat. If you discover you are someone who needs and wants a significant relationship to be fully happy, GOOD for YOU!! Of course, that doesn't make the finding of one any easier, but if you know what you need, you can focus on finding it instead of denying that part of yourself trying to be a different person than you really are.

But with that being said, there are things you can do that will help you feel more connected and less lonely. You can come on here and post, you can go on other sites for people with similar interests to you and post, you can get out and meet new people...do you have family? When my kids were babies, and I'd be up late into the night feeding them or rocking them or whatever, I could call my aunt, who was a night-owl too, and have the best talks!! It made the tedium enjoyable and are some of my FAVORITE memories!!!

The important thing is to readjust your expectations of how to get your needs met, and find new ways to accomplish that. There are a whole bunch of different experiences available to you, you just need to find them and welcome them!!

You know, I think I might be one of the people who don't feel right being completely on my own. I still don't know what that means for long-term relationships. I don't need anyone to make decisions for me, or even be a sounding board. I definitely withdraw when I'm dealing with things and having to make a mental note to check-in.

TAM has been a lifeline for me when I get lonely. I have friends I keep up with, but they're busy with their lives and I've always had a hard time reaching out and asking for help, etc when I need it.

 

[RebuildingMe]

I still lift 2 hours every day in the morning and work on my classes at night after kids go down for the night. In between is just as busy. Keeping busy was my salvation in the beginning, now it has become a way of life. As far as dating, I do have them on occasion but I am not ready for anything more then casual right now.

It sounds like you are ahead of most. I think you’re doing really well. I think it was you that said you lost a ton of weight going through the crap storm. Did you keep it off? That’s important when you seriously start dating again.

 

[RebuildingMe]

I'm operating on the same time frame as you and it is weird to be single. Granted I have a bf, but even that is nowhere near the same. We live our lives autonomously and spend every other weekend together. Right now, we're split dealing with separate households, and caring for our loved ones in the current winter crisis.

I caught myself thinking Hmm it would have been easier to deal with this crap with my ex, but I don't miss him. Then again, I realized I was the one making all the critical decisions ANYWAY very decisively, so it's business as usual and while I miss having the backup in the same household, I'm fine without it.

It's been a really weird week for me and I feel "off" not being part of a team. It's really highlighting the difference for me between a bf and a husband, I just don't consider them on the same level b/c I don't feel nearly as invested.

You know, I think I might be one of the people who don't feel right being completely on my own. I still don't know what that means for long-term relationships. I don't need anyone to make decisions for me, or even be a sounding board. I definitely withdraw when I'm dealing with things and having to make a mental note to check-in.

TAM has been a lifeline for me when I get lonely. I have friends I keep up with, but they're busy with their lives and I've always had a hard time reaching out and asking for help, etc when I need it.

Very well said. I feel very much the same as you. I feel my gf is far more invested in our relationship now than I am. I am hoping that changes as things finalize in my life, but I’m not so sure. TAM can help me feel connected, I just have to learn not to pick so many fights

 

[Numb26]

It sounds like you are ahead of most. I think you’re doing really well. I think it was you that said you lost a ton of weight going through the crap storm. Did you keep it off? That’s important when you seriously start dating again.

Oh yeah, I have kept it of and lost a little more. Lost a total of about 70 pounds. I am at 240 which is about as small as I can get and still be able to compete.

 

[LisaDiane]

Very well said. I feel very much the same as you. I feel my gf is far more invested in our relationship now than I am. I am hoping that changes as things finalize in my life, but I’m not so sure. TAM can help me feel connected, I just have to learn not to pick so many fights

NO WORRIES, Bam Bam...we all love you!!!!

 

[TXTrini]

NO WORRIES, Bam Bam...we all love you!!!!

Even when he gets curmudgeonly

 

[LisaDiane]

Even when he gets curmudgeonly

Lolol!!!! Definitely!!!

 

[RebuildingMe]

What a disaster

 

[LisaDiane]

What a disaster

Oh no...!!!!

 

[ConanHub]

My fix was to throw myself into all the things I do to better myself and the life I want for my kids and I. Moved, work, competitions, hobbies, kids activities..... all fill my days. But at night, when the kids are in bed and the house is quiet. Thats the worst time of day

Hang in there. You are a hero for your kids. I have a friend who just found himself in the same boat and he sends me pictures of him and the kiddos. Mrs. C and I both communicate with him but he is struggling with loneliness and feelings of abandonment.

 

[Numb26]

Hang in there. You are a hero for your kids. I have a friend who just found himself in the same boat and he sends me pictures of him and the kiddos. Mrs. C and I both communicate with him but he is struggling with loneliness and feelings of abandonment.

Taking it day by day. All I can do really

 

[notmyjamie]

@Numb26 How strange that you're posting again. Because of the similarities in our situations I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were doing. I left my exH in Oct of 2018 and the divorce was final Feb 2020 (one year next week!!) and I still have those feelings of weirdness.

The worst times for me are the holidays...I can't get used to all my normal traditions and routines being off. Everything is so very different than it was for the previous 22 years. But my daily life is very different too. I'm not lonely as I have BF...we've been together a while now so we're comfortable together. Our life is on hold until Jan 2023 when I can sell the house exH and I share. But even that seems strange...when we do sell or I decide to buy him out I won't involve BF. I never want to own property with someone else again. So I will do it on my own but at times, I ask him his needs for a new place as if he's going to be a co-owner...I just can't embrace that "I'm doing this on my own" feeling. It's weird and hard to describe.

I'm guessing it just takes time...it took me a few years to get used to having a husband it will take some time to get used to not having one, right? Glad you and the kids are doing well!!

 

[Lila]

Taking it day by day. All I can do really

@Numb26 do you have someone who you can open up to about your feelings and emotions? Having people in my life that I can express my frustrations and my disappointments was pivotal to helping me let go of those feelings I had with regards to my marriage. I ended up finding a great counselor who is less about psychotherapy and more like my parent.

Hang in there. Time heals all wounds.... Or at least makes them a memory.

 

[Numb26]

@Numb26 How strange that you're posting again. Because of the similarities in our situations I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were doing. I left my exH in Oct of 2018 and the divorce was final Feb 2020 (one year next week!!) and I still have those feelings of weirdness.

The worst times for me are the holidays...I can't get used to all my normal traditions and routines being off. Everything is so very different than it was for the previous 22 years. But my daily life is very different too. I'm not lonely as I have BF...we've been together a while now so we're comfortable together. Our life is on hold until Jan 2023 when I can sell the house exH and I share. But even that seems strange...when we do sell or I decide to buy him out I won't involve BF. I never want to own property with someone else again. So I will do it on my own but at times, I ask him his needs for a new place as if he's going to be a co-owner...I just can't embrace that "I'm doing this on my own" feeling. It's weird and hard to describe.

I'm guessing it just takes time...it took me a few years to get used to having a husband it will take some time to get used to not having one, right? Glad you and the kids are doing well!!

I have tried to keep the holidays as close as normal for the kids as a can. Actually, I have tried to keep most things as close to normal for them. To varying results. LOL

For me, I don't feel the weirdness anymore. This is my life now and I have thrown myself into it. If that makes sense?

 

[Numb26]

@Numb26 do you have someone who you can open up to about your feelings and emotions? Having people in my life that I can express my frustrations and my disappointments was pivotal to helping me let go of those feelings I had with regards to my marriage. I ended up finding a great counselor who is less about psychotherapy and more like my parent.

Hang in there. Time heals all wounds.... Or at least makes them a memory.

Thanks! I think my wounds are finally starting to heal. I don't think about what happen anymore and it doesn't tear me up inside during those times when I do have to talk/see the ex. Isn't progress great?!?

 

[Lila]

Thanks! I think my wounds are finally starting to heal. I don't think about what happen anymore and it doesn't tear me up inside during those times when I do have to talk/see the ex. Isn't progress great?!?

That's great progress. Next thing you'll know, she won't even register on your radar when you do see her. She's the equivalent of the pizza delivery guy or the random stranger you interact with at a store.

I knew I was okay when my ex came to pick up my son and I felt absolutely nothing for him. The rose colored glasses had fallen off.

If I didn't know him, had not history with him, and I met him today, I wouldn't associate with him. Not because he's a bad person but we have nothing in common and I find him so boring.