[heartsbeating]

I have not read to the end yet, but if I were you I would just not even acknowledge that email. Screw her.

I agree.... however, if you deemed a response of some kind was needed, it doesn't mean you need to answer the questions.

Also, maybe I'm old-school in this way, or potentially just old, but if she's having a soul-searching kind of moment (which is not your responsibility, anyway) I personally would respect that more if that's done in person. If it was an option, intention made clear, amicable and such. Otherwise you could both also end up in a back-and-forth over email. I'd be for verbal dialogue, with the benefit of tone and such, too. Anyway, I'm not suggesting you offer that to her.

 

[Hiner112]

Since a few have expressed some interest in the exchange here was the original in entirety and my response (which I had sent before sharing here):

I have been pondering these thoughts for a while. Trying to decide if I should verbalize them to you or not. Not in a scolding way. In a childish, curious way. Do not feel the need to respond.

1. Why did you agree to divorce me? This is the main question I've thought about for years now. Am I that bad of a person? Did I make you that miserable? I apologize If I did. I know you are okay being alone. You are very independent. I knew you would be fine without me. I knew deep down you didn't need me.

2. Are you proud of me? I've tried these past few years to prove I'm worthy. I can manage my finances, hold a full time job, and have tried to pick up cooking. I only enjoy this if I have people to cook for. I'm still working on being physically fit. It's my downfall....I know.

I know these things are silly questions at this point.
I worry about our children. I do not like the road they are heading down. Yes, they are very smart. I feel like they have lost their joy in life. They don't explore or find the worl interesting anymore. I feel like they are sucked into their devices, whether it be a phone, chromebook, or TV. I don't understand this transgender they/them thing. I am refusing to wrap my head around it. I also don't like the fact that they don't believe in GOD anymore. It saddens me. But this is a personal choice that one needs to decide upon.

Today on the way to your home, they basically stated that I don't know them or want to know them. This is very upsetting to me. Why would they think that? Even before I left, I felt like an outsider in the home. Like I didn't belong because I didn't act or think like the 3 of you. This is the main reason I left.

What if I would have stayed? Pushed through my misery. Would my children be different? Would they want to be girls instead of them/they? Would they believe in GOD? Would they still have their Joy?

Response

I had done my best. I had tried to do things to make your life easy and to keep you happy. I might not have been doing the right things and I might not have done them well but there was no more effort that I could give. Asking you to stay when you want to leave is a recipe for misery for everyone. Everyone. I don't want to be settled for. If I am in a relationship, I want that person to want to be with me and like me for who I am and not just because they couldn't find someone better. "Going to marriage counseling or talking about reconciliation is pointless because at the end of all that talking you would still be you." is what you told me.

I grew up expecting to be alone. For a while I hoped and believed that it might not be that way but it wasn't a huge shock or unbelievable development when life started heading that way again.

You're a skilled and talented nurse. You're doing fine surviving on your own.

As for the knowing them or getting to know them, it might have to do with the parts of their life you're having trouble processing or understanding.

If you were miserable and didn't want to be there, "pushing through" and staying would have probably just made you more resentful and angry. You can let go of your guilt about the kids' gender identity / sexuality / happiness. They were probably going to be who they are regardless of our relationship status.

As for doing it in person, I have a verbal tick / stutter that has annoyed her for years if not for the entirety of our relationship and at this point she would probably prefer text communication.

 

[heartsbeating]

For what it's worth, you expressed yourself well.

My personal stance is if she replies back again - leave it be.

And I'll admit that I prickled when reading your stutter annoyed her for years.

 

[Not]

I’m in a quandary. I’ve met an awesome guy on POF (at last). We are really hitting it off and text A LOT. The issue is when we actually call, I get all nervous and tongue-tied and sound like an idiot! Wth?

He’s British and my whole body melts when I hear his accent. I’m feeling really silly about it.

Also...he is pretty quiet on the phone and I’m a motor mouth. I tried to dial it back last night but then there was just a bunch of uncomfortable silences so I made my excuses (he was tired and I was headed to bed anyway) and ended the call.

I’m not one that tends to be at a loss for words. I think of so many things I want to ask him but totally space out when he calls.

Help!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

My BF is a total motor mouth and I love it because I'm quiet! Don't hold back lol! It takes a lot of pressure off us quiet people. And I'm betting the tongue twisting will lessen as you guys continue to talk.

I was going to suggest a list of topics to bring up with him but someone beat me to it. I've done it and was so glad because those awkward silences suck buttermilk!

 

[PieceOfSky]

@Elizabeth001,

Next time there is an awkward silence, or something you’re not feeling comfortable with and wonder if he is feeling uncomfortable too, why not mention the uncomfortableness and be open and vulnerable about it?

 

[farsidejunky]

And I'll admit that I prickled when reading your stutter annoyed her for years.

Same here.

She really sounds like a self centered ass.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk

 

[Numb26]

Even after all this time, I still don't really know how to be "single". Maybe this means I am not ready to date , or maybe I am not really over it (I feel that I am)., or maybe I am just comfortable with the life I have made for myself and the kids. Anybody else feel like this?

 

[LisaDiane]

Even after all this time, I still don't really know how to be "single". Maybe this means I am not ready to date , or maybe I am not really over it (I feel that I am)., or maybe I am just comfortable with the life I have made for myself and the kids. Anybody else feel like this?

What do you mean by knowing how to be single? Do you mean being comfortable with it...or dating around?

 

[Numb26]

What do you mean by knowing how to be single? Do you mean being comfortable with it...or dating around?

Maybe being comfortable with it? You spend years with someone; building a life, sharing responsibilities, etc. then you are on your own. Making decisions without anyone else's input, daily life stuff. I don't know if I am making sense.

Dont get me wrong, I am doing well on my own raising the kids and living my life but it still feels weird.

 

[LisaDiane]

Maybe being comfortable with it? You spend years with someone; building a life, sharing responsibilities, etc. then you are on your own. Making decisions without anyone else's input, daily life stuff. I don't know if I am making sense.

Dont get me wrong, I am doing well on my own raising the kids and living my life but it still feels weird.

I DO understand this, kind of, except my situation is different because he is still here, we are just behaving as roommates and planning on divorcing when he is able to move out (hopefully in March).

It IS weird to not have to consider him, to not run things by him, to be completely detached from him. He was extremely important to me when I loved him, so to be so detached from him now, and to be only living for myself doesn't feel right. There are times when it feels GREAT - especially when I am reminded of the pain I felt while loving him and trying to make a selfish, moody man happy - but it doesn't feel natural for me to be emotionally isolated like I am now.

That doesn't mean it isn't good for you (and me) to be uncomfortable and readjusting yourself to your new situation!! There are some life-lessons going on here that will be valuable going forward if you keep your heart open and remain flexible!

 

[Hiner112]

Even after all this time, I still don't really know how to be "single". Maybe this means I am not ready to date , or maybe I am not really over it (I feel that I am)., or maybe I am just comfortable with the life I have made for myself and the kids. Anybody else feel like this?

When people talk about knowing how to be single, I think they mean you should be able to function without someone there to support and guide you and you have your own life and goals. If you don't need someone else, then you wouldn't accept bad behavior and wouldn't come across as desperate or needy / clingy.

 

[Numb26]

It IS weird to not have to consider him, to not run things by him, to be completely detached from him.

He was extremely important to me when I loved him, so to be so detached from him now.

This is EXACTLY how I feel!

 

[Numb26]

When people talk about knowing how to be single, I think they mean you should be able to function without someone there to support and guide you and you have your own life and goals. If you don't need someone else, then you wouldn't accept bad behavior and wouldn't come across as desperate or needy / clingy.

Took me awhile to understand I could function without that support and guidance. Now that I have learned to be self sufficient, for myself and the kids there are still times when I get that weird feeling. Mostly it's the daily mundane things. For example, cooking. I can now cook without regards to the exs likes and dislikes. I know it sounds stupid but it I will be in the kitchen and it will hit me. I will stand there and have the feeling of something being off. Am I making sense?

 

[Lila]

Even after all this time, I still don't really know how to be "single". Maybe this means I am not ready to date , or maybe I am not really over it (I feel that I am)., or maybe I am just comfortable with the life I have made for myself and the kids. Anybody else feel like this?

How long have you been "single"?

It takes time to get comfortable with the new status quo and then there are those who never get comfortable with it. It's taken me over 2 years but I'm no longer chasing what I previously had, if that makes sense.

Human beings adapt to their environment but sometimes it takes time. You'll find your groove eventually.

 

[Numb26]

How long have you been "single"?

It takes time to get comfortable with the new status quo and then there are those who never get comfortable with it. It's taken me over 2 years but I'm no longer chasing what I previously had, if that makes sense.

Human beings adapt to their environment but sometimes it takes time. You'll find your groove eventually.

September of 2019. I think what it is is that now that everything is over; the divorce, the court hearings, etc, and I have settled into my new life I don't have those excuses to use anymore

 

[Lila]

September of 2019. I think what it is is that now that everything is over; the divorce, the court hearings, etc, and I have settled into my new life I don't have those excuses to use anymore

Give it to the 2 year mark. Are you finding happiness in your new normal routines? That was a key for me.

 

[Numb26]

Give it to the 2 year mark. Are you finding happiness in your new normal routines? That was a key for me.

I don't know if I would call it happiness. Maybe better words would be comfort and sanity.

 

[Lila]

I don't know if I would call it happiness. Maybe better words would be comfort and sanity.

That's a GREAT start. Comfort and sanity = stability and safety. Two basic building blocks to happiness. You'll know when you're ready to level up.

 

[Numb26]

That's a GREAT start. Comfort and sanity = stability and safety. Two basic building blocks to happiness. You'll know when you're ready to level up.

Now if there was a quick fix for loneliness, I would be set

 

[Lila]

Now if there was a quick fix for loneliness, I would be set

Oooh, i know all about feeling lonely. There's no quick fix however what did help me was to understand and accept that loneliness is all too common. You and I are not unique in our feelings nor is there anything wrong with us. It's a very normal part of life. The key is not to let it drown us.

My fix to loneliness was to nurture the existing relationships I had in my life. As part of this process I culled the herd, so to speak. I removed relationships that brought me sadness, angst, anger, or any one of the other negative feelings. This left me with more time and energy to cultivate the positive relationships in my life. This one act set me up with a robust social support network. Don't get me wrong, I still miss have a significant other....on occasion.... But I don't feel lonely.... Ever.