The Long Road

5175 Views 36 Replies 8 Participants Last post by shattered man, Dec 26, 2012

shattered man

Discussion Starter · Nov 27, 2012

Its been since labor day that I found out about her affair....we have gone thru an emotional meat grinder since then....I have done a life long turn around...long story...trying to be a better man that i was being before....we have both begun personal counciling...nothing together yet......she has broken ties with her "other" man....i believe....she has gotten some letters from somebody explaining this was not his first fling with a married woman.....not sure what she thinks about them...hasnt really said much about it.....My question is for those who have or are going thru this reconciliation phase......HOW do you let go and trust them again....and not second guess.....HOW do you let go of the emotional pain they caused you.....HOW do you NOT think about all the lies and crap you found out along the way.....I still have trouble sleeping...its like a slow playing movie all the texts i read the messages between them the pictures.....they play over and over in my mind......I tell her I love her and she says thankyou to me but she cant say the words with the same meaning right now....how long do i wait......God help me i love Her.....Ive looked into moving out and leaving but our 3 daughters deserve everything we have to make this family work....today she looked so beautiful.....is there light at the end of this tunnel...or is it a big joke on me?

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Dewayne76

· #2 · Nov 27, 2012

Well, I haven't been this far in a break up / problem before. I don't know. I doubt it's anything that's gonna be quick.

It's going to take time and faith.

Both parties MUST be completely transparent, all passwords to all online emails, facebook etc. Phone looks are gonna be in this as well.

If there's no problem getting demand's / requests met, then it should be ok, but still be a long road.

Explain to the partner that it's gonna be rough, you may have triggers that put you in an upset mood. If they seem to take it well and do anything they can to make you feel better, it's a great sign.

Other than that, I don't know what to tell you.

Good luck.

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naga75

· #3 · Nov 29, 2012

i havent figured out how to not let it run through my mind yet.
the one thing i HAVE figured out, though...is to be okay with it happening.
and to be okay with being angry and hurt.
i am a long way from trusting my wife again. a looooong way.
she understands that. and that is one reason i chose to stay.

Dewayne76

· #4 · Nov 30, 2012

"i am a long way from trusting my wife again. a looooong way.
she understands that. and that is one reason i chose to stay."

Sounds to me like a good start. As long as she's understanding of it all and you guys can work together on this... should be alright.

Chuck71

· #5 · Dec 1, 2012

May I pose a question? If there were no children between any of you, would you still try to keep it together or walk away?

Dewayne76

· #6 · Dec 1, 2012

Even if we didn't have little jojo, I'd still try to keep it together.

I knew my wife 11 years ago. I know she's changed, but that doesn't mean we've necessarily grown apart.

I took vows to love this woman till death do us part. I also took my vows, very seriously.

Yes, I'd try to keep it together.

Chuck71

· #7 · Dec 1, 2012

Just wanted to weigh the factors of children in equation

Dewayne76

· #8 · Dec 1, 2012

Sorry if I wasn't meant to asnwer that question, lol.

Any updates?

shattered man

Discussion Starter · #9 · Dec 2, 2012

We have 3 kids.....I believe yes I would still be here...we are both far from perfect....no excuse for what she has done...God help me i fell in love with her the moment I met her...and havent stopped since that day. Update. Things have "leveled" off....all good days....we are together alot doing stuff together...planning future....etc....she still hasnt told me she loves me....I know she must...or how could we talk they way we do....i tell her I love her daily and she hugs me tight....ive told her I know she loves me and to forgive herself so we can begin healing.....I hope I am doing the right thing by saying that....she has changed alot in the past 3 months for the better......still "on guard" but optimistic.....have kind of come to terms with everything.....life would be perfect with her.....but not over without her.....we go day by day .....pray everyday that the right path will be shown to me......i guess for now we work o things....on ourselves and see what comes of it all........sound possible?

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Chuck71

· #10 · Dec 2, 2012

i'm glad to hear things are looking up. don't hear much of that happening it seems. please keep us posted!

Dewayne76

· #11 · Dec 2, 2012

SM, as Chuck said, don't see much of this as of late. (I'm a newb still tho, but I got through a lot of threads)

SO glad that it seems to be looking up. I truly hope everything works out. Again, please keep us updated! I feel a lot of ppl start seeing positive changes and stop coming here.

shattered man

Discussion Starter · #12 · Dec 3, 2012

I was told by many that I cant Nice my way back into her heart....maybe I have or havent but at this point i have to believe that we are moving in the right direction....small steps yes but still progress....we both changed...and are changing still...i keep praying that god has her come back to me mind body soul one day.....and that I can forgive the other guy.....and not want to dismantle him everytime i see him.....small community so its more often than not....I just keep trying to be a better man

Chuck71

· #13 · Dec 3, 2012

Keep in mind, she must realize, Boston's ever informing song "the man i'll never be". you aren't perfect. neither is she. baby steps.

shattered man

Discussion Starter · #14 · Dec 6, 2012

As days go by I find myself becoming more and more resentful of her. Im not even sure if i care anymore to wait around and see what happens. She still cant say I love you to me....and sometimes downplays any compliments i give her.....she still 'acts' caring etc....talks of the future .....but Im having a HARD time not seeing her in a different light now....regardless of what flaws I have...i didnt deserve this.....my kids didnt derserve this.....and who the hell is she to dictate MY future....I didnt do this. Still having issues sleeping and eating.....we live in a small community and I know it has gotten around so who looks worse? her for cheating or me for staying?

Amplexor

· #15 · Dec 6, 2012

shattered man said:
t.....My question is for those who have or are going thru this reconciliation phase......HOW do you let go and trust them again....and not second guess.....HOW do you let go of the emotional pain they caused you.....HOW do you NOT think about all the lies and crap you found out along the way.....

By excepting the fact that your marriage is changed forever. The trust can build, the pain will ebb but the marriage won't be the same. That does not mean it won't ever be good again but it won't be the same. A few months is not enough time to absorb the body shot you just took let alone move past it. It is a slow and painful process and keep in mind hers will be too. With time she will realize the damage she's done, the hurt she's inflected a begin her journey. She is not ready to reconnect with you so she keeps you at bay. (Downplays complements) She won't say she loves you until she is ready to. It does get better, my wife and I are 5 years post D-Day and the marriage is better in many ways than it was before.

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shattered man

Discussion Starter · #16 · Dec 6, 2012

I just hope Im strong enough to wait......Im already sick....been in and out of the Doctors like crazy with stomach issues.....every test comes back negative so basically all nerves....lost 30 pounds.....praying that I can hold on long enough..

Chuck71

· #17 · Dec 6, 2012

I know of a couple who went through that. The only way he said he would give it any type of shot was to kill the marriage and start over. She wanted to work things out but he was adament. They D's on a Tuesday (off.) and a week later, they remarried. Been 17 years and they have made it. He said the D had to happen or he would have never gotten past it.

shattered man

Discussion Starter · #18 · Dec 17, 2012

I agree its changed....I have days of hate and pain...days of love....days of insecurities....why do i love her so much? I found out she contacted him via her sister a month ago regarding a letter she got from another woman stating the same thing happened to her and her family from this guy.....I found myself not caring.....i dont know if i care anymore.....ive looked for jobs, houses in the area.....still it boils down to I STILL LOVE HER!! Why God ....WHY.....I dont need her..I want her....I love her.....and God its killing me from the inside out.

Chuck71

· #19 · Dec 17, 2012

if you need to talk, pm me, we can chat or phone, ive been there

naga75

· #20 · Dec 17, 2012

You cant pick who you love. Unfortunately, for many of us here.
You can only decide what you can take, and what you can forgive.
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