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This post is about the fact that I have been spying on my wife (for good reason), and what it has done for me....and to me. A lot of this is in other posts but figured I would consolidate to get opinions and views from others.

Long story short, been together for 10, married for 3. Thought and still think my wife is my best friend and soulmate, though our sex life has always been very mundane (6-10 times a year). It has been like this since year 4 or so, so I always just figured this was the way we would be or the way she was with LD. She comes out of nowhere and says she isnt happy with our relationship and lack of intimacy back in July, and right about this time I noticed she changed her email password. HUGE red flag, bc she used to always leave her email up. This is what started it all, so of course I feel she is emailing someone and doesnt want me to know. First I will list what I have found to date, and what I currently am doing.

Find #1 - So I did find out that she started emailing her ex boyfriend (she changed her gmail password but didnt pw her phone!). They hadnt talked in 5 years and over the last few months, the course of emails has been fairly innocent, really just apologizing to him for leaving him for me (it was during one of our breaks), and just wishing him well yadda yadda. She never once mentioned our marriage, being unhappy, or wanting to meet up. He did pull the old 'well if you want to have dinner and catch up we can do that' bit, but she never took that bait. I think they have stopped emailing as of Sept 18th, but I could be wrong, as I havent checked her email since about Sept 30th. More on this later.

Find #2 - So as I started to see that her emails were pretty harmless with this guy, I started sifting through her texts. So far, she has not texted any other guys about anything, nor has she called any guys about anything....she mainly talks to her girlfriends. The only texts that I have found that have really really bothered me, are the ones where she is having girl talk and bashing me to her single friends (all her single friends are ****ty and single and sleep around), and I did find one text where when we were at a wedding together, she was flirting with the bartender (something she never does), and texted her friend that the bartender at this wedding was "f'ing hot". More on this in Find #3.

Find #3. The next day we drove home from the wedding, I did comb through her internet history and found that when we got home, she did try and search for that bartender on Facebook. I dont think she would have done anything, and maybe she was just searching to show her friends how hot he was, but still, I didnt like seeing that the first thing she does when we get home is search for him, albiet she spent less than 2 minutes on the task.


My conclusions. Even though she has exhibited MANY signs of cheating...changing email and phone pws, interest in new music, buying new clothes...I havent found any evidence of a pending physical affair. Really all my spying has done, has given me insights into her every thought (not sure if this is good or bad), and really drive me crazy.


I have now scaled back my spying because I was going insane. I would check her phone (I saw her type in her phone pw), at every chance I got. I was thinking about it all the time, and would get super angry if I saw some text to her girlfriend talkin some girl talk about another hot guy or something I did wrong. Since I pay the phone bill, I have now just scaled back my spying to checking the phone/text bill and the browser history. I feel that knowing her every thought or typed word was really getting to me, and often thought to myself that if she knew what I typed to my male friends and took it out of context she would prob be very pissed as well.

So now its October, 4 months into my spying. She has no clue I know about any of this. Why not say something you ask? Because I can only play that card once. Until I find evidence of cheating, I dont want to cut off my intel sources. I assume that if a PA was going to start, she would start to text/call the guy,which I have seen zero evidence of so far. I was getting tired of putting on a facade, knowing that she called some other guy hot or talked mad sh!t to her friend about me, but then pretending that I didnt know. I actually think me pretending, was subconsciously ruining our relationship because she could pick up that something was wrong, but obviously I couldnt tell her what.


My questions are: How many other spies are out there that have followed a similar path? Obviously I dont want to know nothing and just sit around and wait for something to happen, but knowing her every thought, text, and email was just really getting to me, so I assume checking the phone bill and browser history should suffice (her FB always stays up and I havent found anything on there either).

At what point have others found that spying isnt worth it? Literally I think if a PA hit me out of nowhere like a brick wall one day, that would have hurt more in that instant, but less overall than the slow seeping death of spying for months. It has consumed my life, and I have to suffer in silence...and havent found really anything to confront her about.

Am I taking the right approach by scaling back my spying since I havent really found any evidence of her talking to another guy except her ex (which I feel has stopped)? Or do people think its important that I know what she says to her girlfriends? Half of what she says to her gfs I feel is just her trying to fit in and not how she 'really' feels but who knows.

We havent had sex since July, but we are 'working' on things. We have also since moved to Austin (planned way before all of this), so I highly doubt she is getting it on the side, but I guess you never know. Im tired of spying, but feel its necessary....thoughts?
 

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I understand you're frustrated and want to get to the bottom of things. I also understand "spying" when one feels something is off but has no concrete proof.

This is what you really need to be concentrating on. You already know something is off, there is no trust, because she is doing some sneaky things and you are kind of being the same way to find out whats going on. Trying to check up on someone can be exhausting.

As far as "scaling back on the spying" IMO I think you should stop altogether. You have been doing this for months now, it not good for you or healthy really. Sometimes you can get answers, and sometimes it can create more doubt, and drive you crazy.

What you may need to do is, sit down with your wife and talk to her. Its time to let her know there are some things you know about. Tell her, you don't know if shes cheated but something is off in the marriage, and you would like to try and salvage the marriage. Tell her you hope shes on board with you, and tell her if not, then you will need to choose a different path as far as figuring out what needs to be done.

Tell her shes owes it to to the marriage to not flirt and send out emails to other men. YOU owe it to your marriage to not feel the need to spy. Let her know you don not want to live with this way. Also ask yourself, if you were to find out for sure things have gone further than you expected, and lets say she actually has cheated, whats your plan from there anyway?
 

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Well that is basically what it has come down to. All this spying has done has really made MY life miserable since she has no clue. I dont feel I should know her every thought and it is giving me trust issues. If she wears make up a certain way or something like that, now I instantly get skeptic, when I didnt before. The problem is that I cant really sit her down and tell her I know anything, because she will go on the offensive and then say I invaded her privacy and we now have a much bigger problem.


If I caught her cheating it would instantly be over. No question about it. I wouldnt be able to get over it at all. Im not a jealous person, and honestly if she told me that she was going to email her ex or even have dinner with him, I wouldnt care. Its the fact that she hides it from me that worries me and makes me not trust her.
 

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Also you are right...the end product (so far) of all this spying, is my huge lack of trust in her. That lack of trust is seeping into our daily lives which is causing more problems. So it seems that I am trading my intel at the expense of my sanity, which is affecting my daily interaction with her. I bet she feels something is off with me but has no idea what. Its almost like my spying, even though Im not finding anything YET, is slowly ruining things....but is that better or worse then not knowing if an affair is coming?
 

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Spying is OK at first when you suspect... once it shows nothing stop and trust your spouse. Work on yourself not on your wife.

You work on yourself she may notice.

I Know I was here too... you want answers why things are off. I was amazed at key times when I absolutely thought she was cheating on me she wasn't more of a mis-reading of boundaries.

Work on you as that's all you control and trust your spouse.
If things don't change... TALK... if things don't change TALK and set an ultimatum.

You've done due diligence now move on. Have a plan.
Your wife has a plan if you fail. She realizes thing may not work out her feelings are confused... shes waiting on you
to change her mind.

1. Look in the mirror... would you love you?
2. Learn everything you can about women's needs... become an expert.

Its all a mid-life re-assessment of her choice in life. A re-assessment of YOU.

More later.
T2
 

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People don't usually change their ways or their behavior unless they are held accountable for their actions.... Your wife is not being held accountable, and part of the problem is, by you not letting her know some of the things you have found out... By you spying and not telling her, it just keeps things going .... You say she will go on the defensive if she knows what you were doing, well to bad!.... Sometimes people need to be called out on what they are doing in order to see if anything changes.

Even if you didn't want to come right out and let her know what you had been doing, you still need to let her know you're not happy with things, and feel the marriage is in a bad spot right now...I think there needs to be some boundaries in place..you have a right to expect certain things in your marriage...One is you should tell her..its unacceptable to flirt because it bothers you and is disrespectful..another is, she might want to look at getting some new friends..some that are a better influence...and emailing or flirting with exs or men she thinks are hot, are whatever the case is, is also unacceptable behavior....

If you do NOT tell her how you feel and let her know you know some stuff or things you see going on...then it will likely continue and nothing will get resolved...are you more worried about her reacting to you spying, or more worried about losing your marriage because you wont speak up?
 

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This post is about the fact that I have been spying on my wife (for good reason), and what it has done for me....and to me. A lot of this is in other posts but figured I would consolidate to get opinions and views from others.

Long story short, been together for 10, married for 3. Thought and still think my wife is my best friend and soulmate, though our sex life has always been very mundane (6-10 times a year). It has been like this since year 4 or so, so I always just figured this was the way we would be or the way she was with LD. She comes out of nowhere and says she isnt happy with our relationship and lack of intimacy back in July, and right about this time I noticed she changed her email password. HUGE red flag, bc she used to always leave her email up. This is what started it all, so of course I feel she is emailing someone and doesnt want me to know. First I will list what I have found to date, and what I currently am doing.

Find #1 - So I did find out that she started emailing her ex boyfriend (she changed her gmail password but didnt pw her phone!). They hadnt talked in 5 years and over the last few months, the course of emails has been fairly innocent, really just apologizing to him for leaving him for me (it was during one of our breaks), and just wishing him well yadda yadda. She never once mentioned our marriage, being unhappy, or wanting to meet up. He did pull the old 'well if you want to have dinner and catch up we can do that' bit, but she never took that bait. I think they have stopped emailing as of Sept 18th, but I could be wrong, as I havent checked her email since about Sept 30th. More on this later.

Find #2 - So as I started to see that her emails were pretty harmless with this guy, I started sifting through her texts. So far, she has not texted any other guys about anything, nor has she called any guys about anything....she mainly talks to her girlfriends. The only texts that I have found that have really really bothered me, are the ones where she is having girl talk and bashing me to her single friends (all her single friends are ****ty and single and sleep around), and I did find one text where when we were at a wedding together, she was flirting with the bartender (something she never does), and texted her friend that the bartender at this wedding was "f'ing hot". More on this in Find #3.

Find #3. The next day we drove home from the wedding, I did comb through her internet history and found that when we got home, she did try and search for that bartender on Facebook. I dont think she would have done anything, and maybe she was just searching to show her friends how hot he was, but still, I didnt like seeing that the first thing she does when we get home is search for him, albiet she spent less than 2 minutes on the task.


My conclusions. Even though she has exhibited MANY signs of cheating...changing email and phone pws, interest in new music, buying new clothes...I havent found any evidence of a pending physical affair. Really all my spying has done, has given me insights into her every thought (not sure if this is good or bad), and really drive me crazy.


I have now scaled back my spying because I was going insane. I would check her phone (I saw her type in her phone pw), at every chance I got. I was thinking about it all the time, and would get super angry if I saw some text to her girlfriend talkin some girl talk about another hot guy or something I did wrong. Since I pay the phone bill, I have now just scaled back my spying to checking the phone/text bill and the browser history. I feel that knowing her every thought or typed word was really getting to me, and often thought to myself that if she knew what I typed to my male friends and took it out of context she would prob be very pissed as well.

So now its October, 4 months into my spying. She has no clue I know about any of this. Why not say something you ask? Because I can only play that card once. Until I find evidence of cheating, I dont want to cut off my intel sources. I assume that if a PA was going to start, she would start to text/call the guy,which I have seen zero evidence of so far. I was getting tired of putting on a facade, knowing that she called some other guy hot or talked mad sh!t to her friend about me, but then pretending that I didnt know. I actually think me pretending, was subconsciously ruining our relationship because she could pick up that something was wrong, but obviously I couldnt tell her what.


My questions are: How many other spies are out there that have followed a similar path? Obviously I dont want to know nothing and just sit around and wait for something to happen, but knowing her every thought, text, and email was just really getting to me, so I assume checking the phone bill and browser history should suffice (her FB always stays up and I havent found anything on there either).

At what point have others found that spying isnt worth it? Literally I think if a PA hit me out of nowhere like a brick wall one day, that would have hurt more in that instant, but less overall than the slow seeping death of spying for months. It has consumed my life, and I have to suffer in silence...and havent found really anything to confront her about.

Am I taking the right approach by scaling back my spying since I havent really found any evidence of her talking to another guy except her ex (which I feel has stopped)? Or do people think its important that I know what she says to her girlfriends? Half of what she says to her gfs I feel is just her trying to fit in and not how she 'really' feels but who knows.

We havent had sex since July, but we are 'working' on things. We have also since moved to Austin (planned way before all of this), so I highly doubt she is getting it on the side, but I guess you never know. Im tired of spying, but feel its necessary....thoughts?
Yes, you are taking the right approach in my opinion. I've also spend countless hours pouring over his email and Facebook accounts, weighing every post, every email. Reading stuff into things others have posted to him and him them. It's a waste of time and does nothing but make me more paranoid. That is how I feel about it anyway. Time better spent working on myself...
 

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People don't usually change their ways or their behavior unless they are held accountable for their actions.... Your wife is not being held accountable, and part of the problem is, by you not letting her know some of the things you have found out... By you spying and not telling her, it just keeps things going .... You say she will go on the defensive if she knows what you were doing, well to bad!.... Sometimes people need to be called out on what they are doing in order to see if anything changes.

Even if you didn't want to come right out and let her know what you had been doing, you still need to let her know you're not happy with things, and feel the marriage is in a bad spot right now...I think there needs to be some boundaries in place..you have a right to expect certain things in your marriage...One is you should tell her..its unacceptable to flirt because it bothers you and is disrespectful..another is, she might want to look at getting some new friends..some that are a better influence...and emailing or flirting with exs or men she thinks are hot, are whatever the case is, is also unacceptable behavior....

If you do NOT tell her how you feel and let her know you know some stuff or things you see going on...then it will likely continue and nothing will get resolved...are you more worried about her reacting to you spying, or more worried about losing your marriage because you wont speak up?
I do see what you are saying but this is my view. Is that I am 100% willing to speak up and say what I need to say, WHEN I finding something concrete. I dont want to say it before hand because I dont think me saying it bothers me will make her stop her actual behavior (I assume she already knows flirting and emailing exs would make me upset, hence why she changed her pw), so me saying something only tips her off that I know, but her behavior wont necessarily change. I have literally been waiting for the smoking gun then I was going to march in there and end the marriage, but it just never came. Atleast yet. It seems her receptors are open to other options, but that may be a bi product of our marriage on the rocks, not necessarily her 'looking'. So I get what you are saying, but I can only play that card once and want to when something concrete happens.
 

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Yes, you are taking the right approach in my opinion. I've also spend countless hours pouring over his email and Facebook accounts, weighing every post, every email. Reading stuff into things others have posted to him and him them. It's a waste of time and does nothing but make me more paranoid. That is how I feel about it anyway. Time better spent working on myself...
Yup, this is basically where Im at. I found just enough in the beginning to set me off on this downward spiral, thinking more would come but it never has. Now I read (or mis-read) into her every move and it really is effecting my life in a bad way. I guess its the same as knowing the date of your death or having it just happen to you. Would any of us be better off with the knowledge that our death was coming? Or is it better to live your life until that moment hits?
 

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but I can only play that card once and want to when something concrete happens.
No you don't have to wait and play that card when you find something concrete. Damage is being done now. What if "concrete" never comes? Spying or even backing off on spying and not saying anything to her about what you know so far, is like you're just hoping you find something concrete so you can drop the ball.
 

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Its hard to explain, but I almost feel that now isnt the right time to drop the hammer. My end goal is I want our marriage to work. If that means that I keep my mouth shut and we work on things slowly over time then thats what Ill do. I have envisioned a day where we are both in MC somewhere and we spill our secrets and maybe then in a controlled environment, when she is receptive to fixing us, I can say I knew about this 'the whole time'. I just feel that things are so fragile and toxic now, that if I said something, it would basically be the end of us, which is not what I want, especially since she hasnt really done anything yet.
 

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Agree with many of the posters here......early on spying helped me understand what my wife was thinking.....got into her brain as she would not tell me everything.

Continued spying has caused me to change my behavior to her as I would scrutinize many details trying to read into it. She noticed I was different and even called me out on it sometimes.....not good.

For this reason I have completely scaled back on the spying. Only when starts acting a bit strange or out of the ordinary will I do a quick check.......focus more on myself and be happier.
 

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Agree with many of the posters here......early on spying helped me understand what my wife was thinking.....got into her brain as she would not tell me everything.

Continued spying has caused me to change my behavior to her as no I will scrutinize many details trying to read into it. She noticed I was different and even called me out on it sometimes.....not good.

For this reason I have completely scaled back on the spying. Only when starts acting a bit strange or out of the ordinary will I do a quick check.......focus more on myself and be happier.

I think this is what I am trying to do. I think finding her email her ex when I first started was enough to get me hooked, but not enough to have me say or do anything. It has slowly waned over time, but when I see her phone sitting there its like a crack addict trying to not give into an urge. Its tough. I mean she used to always leave her email up, now never does, but that could merely be a function that she is just now used to doing that or doesnt want me to search through older emails and find her emails with her ex. I am going to scale back to just checking the phone bill every now and then, but mainly work on me...its just really hard to ween off of spying.
 

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It seems almost like game playing. You know some things, you wont tell her you know. You keep things on the DL in case you find out something more, and in the meantime she still flirts, emails guys, hangs out with women who sleep around etc etc.

This will not fix itself, and she will not likely come clean or stop anything until she knows you know. AND yes, even that is not a guarantee! But its better to take a chance at saving your marriage, than sitting back doing nothing and hopes that she stops what shes doing, that things will just resolve itself.

Also, if you tell her the things you know and and the marriage ends anyway because she gets pissed, well guess what, there is your concrete answer. So maybe deep down you really don't want the concrete evidence and thats why you don't say anything.

BTW, if she ends the marriage because she was pissed at what you were doing, well, you lost nothing because she was already gone in the marriage anyway.
 

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It seems almost like game playing. You know some things, you wont tell her you know. You keep things on the DL in case you find out something more, and in the meantime she still flirts, emails guys, hangs out with women who sleep around etc etc.

This will not fix itself, and she will not likely come clean or stop anything until she knows you know. AND yes, even that is not a guarantee! But its better to take a chance at saving your marriage, than sitting back doing nothing and hopes that she stops what shes doing, that things will just resolve itself.

Also, if you tell her the things you know and and the marriage ends anyway because she gets pissed, well guess what, there is your concrete answer. So maybe deep down you really don't want the concrete evidence and thats why you don't say anything.

BTW, if she ends the marriage because she was pissed at what you were doing, well, you lost nothing because she was already gone in the marriage anyway.
Also a very good point
 

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Okay, enough of the spying. Now you know she's at least day dreaming about others. What are you doing to attract her towards you? Are you doing anything to improve the why she views you?
 

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I think spying can make you paranoid and if you take everything literally, you could get angry with things she is saying.

I think if you do it with the correct mind set, then you can use it to your advantage.

For example, if she complains you dress poorly, then get some new clothes. If she complains you never take her anywhere, surprise her with a night out.

Kind of like that movie with Mel Gibson ("What Women Want"). He could read women's minds and at first it just pissed him off. But then he learned how they were thinking and turned it around to make himself look better.

The biggest red flag I see is your sex life. Not having sex since July is a big issue. You need to step it up. Plan a holiday, a night out, something. Put some romance back into your relationship.
 

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Okay, enough of the spying. Now you know she's at least day dreaming about others. What are you doing to attract her towards you? Are you doing anything to improve the why she views you?
I have read MMSP and am trying to implement what is in that book....so far it is early and I have mixed results.
 

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I'm actually in the minority here, because I don't advocate you stop spying completely. You really should stop spying when there's nothing to really worry about. But you have things to worry about in this situation. Maybe you can scale-back your efforts, but I would not stop.

Think of all this behavior like a young child experimenting with drugs. Maybe they start off with just a light "gateway drug" and increase the usage, over time develop habit, and ultimately moving on to harder drugs after the drug world has consumed them.

Your wife's behavior of talking poorly about you to toxic friends is bad, very bad. And your wife reaching out to her ex was her fishing for an affair with someone she already had a familiarity with. He must be somewhat of a comfort zone for her which made it easy for her to reach out for him and fish for something. These to me are "gateway drug" issues and compounded with the fact that you haven't had sex since July is just going to exacerbate these gateway issues to morph into "harder drugs" one day.

I've read about so many women on the cheater forums who's #1 gripe about cheating on their husbands is due to sex infrequency or lack of satisfaction sexually.

I do agree that the best fix to this situation is trying to work on yourself though. If you read up on the Married Man Sex Life ways, it will show you how to do self-improvement so you become a better, more attractive version of yourself. You wife would most likely respond to your improvements on her own over time... but you should work on self improvement for yourself first and foremost.

And if you do start working on self-improvement... keep spying to gauge whether it's having any effect on your wife. Maybe instead of talking poorly about you to her toxic friends she'll start dropping some positive comments about how you're changing yourself here and there.
 

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I think spying can make you paranoid and if you take everything literally, you could get angry with things she is saying.

I think if you do it with the correct mind set, then you can use it to your advantage.

For example, if she complains you dress poorly, then get some new clothes. If she complains you never take her anywhere, surprise her with a night out.

Kind of like that movie with Mel Gibson ("What Women Want"). He could read women's minds and at first it just pissed him off. But then he learned how they were thinking and turned it around to make himself look better.

The biggest red flag I see is your sex life. Not having sex since July is a big issue. You need to step it up. Plan a holiday, a night out, something. Put some romance back into your relationship.
Right...that is pretty much what I am doing...but some of the intel isnt actionable, like she says another guy is hot...not much I can do about that.
 
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