It has taken a lot for me to open up about this, so please be kind.
It is not my intention to cast my husband in a bad light. The fact is that he is kind, and thoughtful, and loving. And we enjoy spending time together. Most of the time, we are happily married. He is a doting father, and a hard-working family man. And, he is compassionate to strangers in need. He would give the shirt off his back without a second thought.
But, for the twenty-four years that I have known him, he has struggled with mental illness–most commonly, depression, but there has been a great deal of anxiety, as well. It is not a constant struggle. Rather, it comes and goes in “waves,” or “episodes” that can last anywhere from a few hours to a few months. Each episode is marked with one, or a combination of, the following: extreme sadness, anger, irritability, and thoughts of suicide. Then, the episode will pass, and he will be his happy, loving self again.
The triggers are not always apparent; these episodes can come and go without warning. One minute, he’ll be perfectly fine, and then, suddenly, his mood will deteriorate. He has been hospitalized on a number of occasions.
When these episodes hit, he has a tendency to become physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. I have been called names, belittled, lashed out at, and, on rare occasions, I have been slapped. There have been a number of times that he has driven recklessly with me in the car.
I have always reasoned that these weren’t my husband’s words and actions. It was just his mental illness rearing its ugly head. It would eventually pass, and my loving husband would be back.
And, he is genuinely trying! He has been receiving ongoing treatment with a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a case manager for years.
However, this doesn’t stop me from also feeling resentment whenever these episodes hit. I have been known to verbalize my frustrations in the form of something along the lines of, “Not again.” I have also tried to help him “snap out of it,” or something to that effect. My husband feels that I lack understanding about his mental illness, and, I admit, there is some element of truth to that. Having not grown up in a household where mental health was an issue, it is something that is hard for me to wrap my head around, despite what I have learned from his providers. He has asked that I read up on the subject, which I have done.
This morning, shortly after waking, my husband told me that he was “not doing well.” I understood exactly what that meant.
“On the first day of summer break?” was my automatic, jaded response. I wasn’t up to dealing with this. A long school year is finally over, and, as a teacher, I need time to recover before the next.
I felt terrible for that remark. When I tried to apologize, we got into an argument, which escalated into him grabbing my shoulders and throwing me against the wall.
I was not injured by this. I did, however, have an epiphany: I have spent the past twenty-four years living under a gross double standard. His mental illness causes him to mistreat me, but I am always the bad guy, because I lack "understanding."
But, the fact is, my understanding of his mental health is that the episodes hit, and I have to brace for impact. None of the books I have read about supporting your spouse address how to deal with abuse.
True, he can’t help having a mental illness. But, he is responsible for his actions. Grabbing me, and throwing me against the wall was a decision he made. He CHOSE to do that.
For me, that was the last straw.
I love my husband, and I always will. He is a loving father, and, most of the time, a loving husband. However, his depression can come out of nowhere, and I cannot trust him to keep his words or actions in check. And, I cannot allow myself to continue to be his emotional punching bag.
I am actively looking into the steps I need to take for a divorce.
