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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been together for 17 Years, married for 12. There have been ups and downs, we are both opinionated and can get caught up in our own stuff. He and I have 3 children together and although I always knew deep down I loved him so much more deeply that he loved me, I really believed he loved me as much as he could love anyone. We are just different people. Always had fun together doing just about anything. Always had an intimatcy that others we jealous of.

So July 14th comes and after another argument about the kids chores etc, he says he doesn't think he can tell me he loves me anymore. WHAT? ok so we talk, cry, talk, cry, make love, cry.....days of this emotionally draining. We try counceling, he stops after 3 times. He moves out for a few weeks and I am a mess. I say and do things out of desperation...our younges daughter is beside herself with grief from her dad being gone. (she is 6) OUr older children (18 & 15) are upset but more angry. He moves back in. We continue to be intimate with each other. I LOVE THIS MAN! He tells me he wants to make a smooth transition to a place of his own, he just really wants to be by himself. I find out there has been someone else he has been talking to for 6 months and she is in love with him. He says he doesnt love her, he is not leaving me for her. She makes things worse by contacting me more than once. This has put strain on him and I.

Long story short, we make love everyday, sometimes more than once, he holds me as I sleep even if there is no sex. He still crys and tells me how sorry he is and how he wishes he could change the way he feels but he can't. His apt will be ready Jan 1 and I feel like I have lost all hope. He has cut off all contact with friends and his family because he says he is ashamed and has so much guilt and can't face them.......

I feel the only thing I can do is let him go and hope that he realizes before it is too late that he has made a mistake. I am committed to my marriage and my husband and this is killing me!

What are the chances that he may come home? And if he does how do I trust that he wants to make it work?

Any advice would be welcome!
 

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Wow. I'm sorry to hear your story and very sorry you have joined our little community. That said, you will find friends and support here. We truly do try to help each other. Be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear sometimes though. Especially early in this process.

First, no one can tell you the chances of him coming home and you guys making it work. We just don't, and will never have enough info.

What I can say is I think you need to start working on yourself. Get to the gym, get out with friends, do things that make you happy. Number two, and I know this is hard, but you should probably stop being intimate with him. He needs to start seeing the consequences of his actions... And you need to start breaking the ties so you can begin to heal. You shouldn't give him what he needs if he won't give you what you need.

I hope things work out the way you hope, but you have to plan on being the best you you can be For yourself and your children, regardless of what ends up happening.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for your response. I know I should be stopping the intamacy with him now but my heart is telling me that I may never have the chance to be with him again and it is heartbreaking. I know that when he moves out I can no longer continue any of that....I will not be a booty call...I guess I just thought maybe he would realize that the closeness we share (not just sex) is something he will be losing.....

Going to travel to his parents after Christmas with the kids by myself. I am so close with them and they have been super supportive to me thru this entire thing. With their health being up and down and us not seeing them but once a year I have to go. He refuses! HE say he can't face his father.

I know he needs to face the consequences and that this is HIS choice not mine. Maybe this is a MLC....one can only hope. I have great friends and I actually feel sorry for him that he will be all alone when he moves out. I have always taken care of him emotionally, that is what he said he loved about me the most, that he never felt alone with me and he always felt supported and loved. Not sure why I don't deserve the same from him....so confused...........
 

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He is confused. One theme throughout many of our stories is the realization that many of our x's don't know what they want. You'll see lots of stories with questions about mixed messages and wishy-washy actions. Especially from men (women seem to be able to stick to their "decisions" more consistently.

I would recommend you read some of the stories on here from some of the members that have been around a few months. You don't have to read every word, just the beginning and then something every few pages. Point is you will see that people do begin to heal. We all backslide, Make horrible mistakes, regret tons of decisions, but we all eventually find a new normal. It'll happen, it just takes time, and continuing to pretend things are they way they used to be will only drag out the process.

Him not wanting to see his family is understandable. He is doing something he isn't proud of, and has the good grace to know it (most of our stories are filled with a lot more denial by the exes).

Remember, it really doesn't matter WHY he is doing this, only that he is. I struggled with that realization for a long time and still backslide on it from time to time. You have to make life good for you. Look into the 180 (forum search it). You can't control his actions or thoughts so stop worrying about them and worry about your own.

Last thing: I moved out of cohabitation with my stbxw a week ago today. I can tell you without a doubt: this is all much easier when you don't have to see them or find the "clues" they leave you around the house.

You'll survive this and come out of it a stronger person.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for your comments. The last few days were hard. We sat down yesterday to talk about $ and how I am going to be able to maintain our family home when he leaves. I told him how much I "need" to make ends meet. He and I are working together peacefully and honestly I feel for him when he says he will not have money to eat, let alone do anything else. He is going to be paying for rent, and his personal credit cards and loans that he took out overtime. I really feel bad, I tried to "trim" what I need from him. He even ended up saying that he doesn't want to make things difficult for me and if he can't pay me what I need for the house and kids that he will just not move out. He wasn't being mean or saying that I was keeping him from moving. He said plenty of seperated or divorced couples live together for the sake of their family etc. I told him that I don't want that. As much as it is going to kill me when he leaves, if he stays he will not be staying because he wants our marriage to work, and he will grow to resent me. I told him that I honestly believe that we have a chance to be happy together and save our marriage but for that to happen he needs to move out and figure out for himself if he will be happy without me or not. Am I wrong?:confused:
 

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I am not intending to be mean.
You know about another woman. (So he's most likely having sex with her, regardless of what he says to you).
Get tested for STD.
You are permitting this behavior to continue. Why not fully expose his conduct to the family. He's ashamed to face his family because he knows it wrong.
Do not make excuses for his behavior. It is his choice.
You seem willing to become his Plan B after he gallivants with her, then runs out of money (he's told you he can't afford much)
Why?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Pluto2,

I do know he was seeing other woman, and she has since moved out of state. He has ended all contact with her after her last attempt to contact me. His family knows it ALL. His mom told me when I found out about OW, to pack his things and put them on the curb. He Dad told me that he acted in a simular way a long time ago and he begged me to be the loving forgiving women he knows I am and forgive his son because he doesn't realize what he is doing.

As far as our money situation, we have always been open with all debts, I know where all the money goes. He is the type of guy to give me the shirt off his back and live naked, just doesn't want to give me his love anymore. He is VERY guilty for what he has done and has asked my forgiveness, but just can't recomittit to our marriage because he is not in love with me anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
on a positive note we have had some serious talks about our children and how they are feeling about everything. I stressed to him how they want him to be apart of their lives but over the last few years it has become strained. He is very close with our youngest but the older (teens) not so much. I was lying in bed last night and heard him in our livingroom talking with our 15 yr old son (who has told me he hates his father and can't wait until he leaves) My H asked him if he would like to go see a movie that they have both been talking about this weekend. Our son asked him who all was going? My H said just the 2 of them and son said "ok sure" He sounded excited. It actually made me cry, I was so happy. Hope whatever happens with us, they continue to grow closer.
 

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Loving - you are doing very well I think. You sound very rational and to be thinking clearly. That's huge.

I think you are on the right path in asking him to move out. If there is to be a future together, you both have understand what it means to truly be apart.

You may end up like me once you are in that situation. I love what I had with my wife. I miss it dearly ... But I can never have it back. My wife is now a cheater. The life I had cannot be recreated with the person she has become. I'll bet you may feel the same one day.

Keep moving forward, work on you. Become someone you love being. Become the best possible version of you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Everyday is something new.....getting mixed signals from H again.....made dinner for us last night, (never does that) was engaging in conversation with me without me starting it, kissed me goodbye on the check today.....holy hell!
 

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He can't give you mixed signals after he moves out ...

You have to decide what you want Loving. If it is to move on and start healing, then you know what you have to do.

If it is for him to come back, then you are putting yourself in his power. The ups and downs will continue. Look into the 180 and listen to what it says. Seems to work for some.

Be honest with yourself about what you truly want and whether you can have the old relationship back again one day after going through what you are going through now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I honestly never wanted the "old" relationship back. Both of us made our fair number of mistakes in that . I had hoped that I was important enough to him to create a new better more open and loving relationship, but he has put up this wall of selfishness that I can't seem to get around. I guess it is not my job to make him see what he is doing is wrong. He moves out in 13 days and I guess I am just in denial on the way it is going to be. We normally get along very well, until he starts to feel guilty and then gets angry at everything I say or do, that shows him I still love him and am willing to mend our marriage.

I know that him moving out will be hard but in the long run will be the best thing. at least for now. We both are committed to the best interest of our children although I think we have different ideas on what that is. Does anyone feel guilty that their children are going to miss out on normal childhood things like vacations with both of their parents etc?? We had planned a trip to Disney next summer for our 6 year old to see Mickey for the first time. I told him he is still invited to come, and share in that but he said he would feel "uncomfortable" this is a man who has no trouble being intimate with me but can't go see Disney with me and his children???

I don't get it!:scratchhead:
 
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