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My story has been up for a number of threads here. My wife had a PA in May. Sporadic email contact with OM occurred until about a month ago. Nothing beyond, "how have you been" except for the first few when my wife realized she didn't really know him the way she thought she did. She was dealing with the shame and guilt and realized this guy was a scumbag and that made her shame and guilt worse that she was blind to his true self and how much he lied to her about everything, and she desperately wanted him to be better than he was, which she found out soon after he was actually even worse. I've dealt with all of that on other threads. We are doing much better right now. There has been NC with the OM for 1 month, which I know isn't long but its a start.
So I want to keep this on track but I wanted to give a brief history for anyone new that stumbles upon this thread. I'm sure my paragraph above will have some people yelling rugsweeping and that I'm trying to defend her actions even she didn't care about what it did to me, etc. etc. I've heard that in other threads and don't dispute their validity but I just want to talk about this new item.
My wife keeps a journal. She has since she was a girl and has kept up with it our entire marriage. She doesn't write daily but does write every few months. She hadn't written anything about the affair while it was happening but did write about it a couple months ago. She told me she did, and she let me read it. She had told me everything about the affair so there wasn't really anything new in it, and while at times, I feel like there are pieces of it that seemingly take a romanticized view of what happened, its pretty straight forward. IN the journal She says how wrong it was, how she can't believe she did it to me, how I didn't deserve it, how he was a scumbag, how lucky she is that I decided to stay and work it out. My problem though is that its a long journal entry and more time is given to the details of the affair than to those things I actually wanted to read. There are a few sections to that just destroy me because of things that were said or emotions she felt at the time.
I want her to get rid of it. She wants to keep it. I want it gone so their are no souvenirs of this dark trip we were on. She wants to keep it because she has documented the ups and downs of her entire life, this is part of her life.
She has done absolutely everything I've asked of her and more in regard to making amends, and proving her remorse, and commitment to me.
Do I want her to get rid of her journal because I'm still trying to "make her pay" for what she did to me? She has gotten rid of clothes, etc. that are reminders. Do I need to keep pushing this? She knows I want her to. She may get rid of it in her own time, which would probably mean more than if I pressure her into it. But I hate that there is a written record of this. I want to get to the point that years from now this is a distant memory, that we have had so many new good memories that they overshadow this part of our life forever, and she wants that too. But knowing that its there. Knowing that if memories fade, there is a reminder just waiting to be opened up.
A journal is a way to keep track of your life. Good and bad. Am I being selfish to want her to get rid this part of one? I can't keep demanding her to do more and more, at some point I have to move on. And yes I know, 1 month with NC is a short amount of time, but its been a good month. I'm cautious but I truly feel she is being honest with me. That I can start to trust her again, that everything she has said and done has been real.
Can I just give her time to get rid of it on her own, run the risk of it never going away and learning to deal with that or is the journal a dangerous thing to have around period?
So I want to keep this on track but I wanted to give a brief history for anyone new that stumbles upon this thread. I'm sure my paragraph above will have some people yelling rugsweeping and that I'm trying to defend her actions even she didn't care about what it did to me, etc. etc. I've heard that in other threads and don't dispute their validity but I just want to talk about this new item.
My wife keeps a journal. She has since she was a girl and has kept up with it our entire marriage. She doesn't write daily but does write every few months. She hadn't written anything about the affair while it was happening but did write about it a couple months ago. She told me she did, and she let me read it. She had told me everything about the affair so there wasn't really anything new in it, and while at times, I feel like there are pieces of it that seemingly take a romanticized view of what happened, its pretty straight forward. IN the journal She says how wrong it was, how she can't believe she did it to me, how I didn't deserve it, how he was a scumbag, how lucky she is that I decided to stay and work it out. My problem though is that its a long journal entry and more time is given to the details of the affair than to those things I actually wanted to read. There are a few sections to that just destroy me because of things that were said or emotions she felt at the time.
I want her to get rid of it. She wants to keep it. I want it gone so their are no souvenirs of this dark trip we were on. She wants to keep it because she has documented the ups and downs of her entire life, this is part of her life.
She has done absolutely everything I've asked of her and more in regard to making amends, and proving her remorse, and commitment to me.
Do I want her to get rid of her journal because I'm still trying to "make her pay" for what she did to me? She has gotten rid of clothes, etc. that are reminders. Do I need to keep pushing this? She knows I want her to. She may get rid of it in her own time, which would probably mean more than if I pressure her into it. But I hate that there is a written record of this. I want to get to the point that years from now this is a distant memory, that we have had so many new good memories that they overshadow this part of our life forever, and she wants that too. But knowing that its there. Knowing that if memories fade, there is a reminder just waiting to be opened up.
A journal is a way to keep track of your life. Good and bad. Am I being selfish to want her to get rid this part of one? I can't keep demanding her to do more and more, at some point I have to move on. And yes I know, 1 month with NC is a short amount of time, but its been a good month. I'm cautious but I truly feel she is being honest with me. That I can start to trust her again, that everything she has said and done has been real.
Can I just give her time to get rid of it on her own, run the risk of it never going away and learning to deal with that or is the journal a dangerous thing to have around period?