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I agree, but she is in therapy. It can take a long time, so it's really up to the OP to decide how long he is going to "allow" this situation to last. From what he is saying, I get the feeling he is dismissing his wife's issues. I certainly dismissed my wife's. We don't really know the extent of the OP's wife issues. Having been through all this, I would say it's not easy to be in such a situation and it will be difficult to leave a vulnerable person. That said, you only live once and I would encourage the OP to take all the necessary steps if his life turns into hell.
A question that I wonder about is if the OP also goes to therapy or does he just allow his wife to go at this alone? While he may not be invited to join a mostly one-on-one session format, he very well could ask to see the same therapist for some one-on-one work. At a minimum this would give the therapist a broader perspective and may help to identify some dynamics that need to be addressed.
 

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What is next in your life has to be better than now.

Now, you aren't getting any intimacy, while some tomorrow, you will get out, then get off.

Getting off, first requires stepping permanently away from her ice box.

If not, intimacy must not really be important to you, complaining about it seems to take preference.



Lilith-
 

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There is no better if you better it not.
 
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If she is in therapy, give it another 6 months. If things don't improve, pack your bag. There's nothing else you can do about it. Of course, people might say that she has mental issues and therefore you are abandoning your wife in time of need, but you only know how bad her issues are. If she is functioning well, you have your answer.
she is in therapy? Maybe you can get an appointment with the same therapist, and explain that there is no sex life and you are thinking of divorce? maybe part of the therapy SHOULD BE her getting her sex life back, and the therapist does not know there is zero sex back at home
 

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she is in therapy? Maybe you can get an appointment with the same therapist, and explain that there is no sex life and you are thinking of divorce? maybe part of the therapy SHOULD BE her getting her sex life back, and the therapist does not know there is zero sex back at home
If she is taking anti-depressants, it's very likely that her libido will be next to zero. That would impact enormously on their sex life. I had to schedule sex with my wife, because she had to take a "weekend holiday" from them in order to have a minimum of libido or have an orgasm, which was optional, but was important to her.
 

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Get a job. You know that being the breadwinner is hard on a person so just as she shares in the upkeep of the home, you share in bringing home the bacon. Your child is probably in school by now.

She may find you attractive, again.
 

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Get a job. You know that being the breadwinner is hard on a person so just as she shares in the upkeep of the home, you share in bringing home the bacon. Your child is probably in school by now.

She may find you attractive, again.
lol... always to the point. I do agree that there is some kind of disconnection there too.
 

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What do you mean about this holding pattern? Does that mean you haven’t had sex once? Or it’s still once every 3 months?

Does this mean you stopped initiating sex?
 

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If she is taking anti-depressants, it's very likely that her libido will be next to zero. That would impact enormously on their sex life. I had to schedule sex with my wife, because she had to take a "weekend holiday" from them in order to have a minimum of libido or have an orgasm, which was optional, but was important to her.
Just read interactions on wife's HRT meds, said adding some antidepressants would destroy libido. Since wife is most undepressed person have ever known, isnt a problem here.

Maybe OP's wife needs competent MD review her meds for unintended bad effects.
 

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Just read interactions on wife's HRT meds, said adding some antidepressants would destroy libido. Since wife is most undepressed person have ever known, isnt a problem here.

Maybe OP's wife needs competent MD review her meds for unintended bad effects.
Does you wife take anti-depressants? I don't quite understand.
 

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SAHD? For years? I know those who bought into the whole social engineering experiment of the last 60 years think that women are accepting of being the bread winner but in real life, I see only a few outliers that are able to pull it off for more than season or two before the wife starts to lose respect for the husband. Even after it was the wife’s idea in the first place.

And please don’t equate with a SAHM. Most men that can pull it off take great pride in supporting their family. While most women will resent and even be embarrassed about it. Usually the guys that these wives end up betraying their husband with are their boss or someone of higher social status.

So you need to get your but back to work. And until you do find a job, you better start pulling your weight at home. Your wife is financially carrying the family on her back, so you can at the very least take turns with the dishes and the dog. Once you get back to work, her stress will go down and I’d bet my next mortgage payment that the muffin shop will reopen, unless it’s been open all along for another customer.
 

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Does you wife take anti-depressants? I don't quite understand.
No she does not! She is about most cheerful person have ever known. But I was reading intetactions of hrt she has taken for years and mention was made of antidepressant intetactions. I was talking a out OPs wife. Not mine
 

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No she does not! She is about most cheerful person have ever known. But I was reading intetactions of hrt she has taken for years and mention was made of antidepressant intetactions. I was talking a out OPs wife. Not mine
Ok... mine was just theory, because we don't know if she takes them.
 

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If she is in therapy, give it another 6 months. If things don't improve, pack your bag. There's nothing else you can do about it. Of course, people might say that she has mental issues and therefore you are abandoning your wife in time of need, but you only know how bad her issues are. If she is functioning well, you have your answer.
I would counter that she left him in his time of need 5 years ago
 

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I'm going to keep this short.

I guess what I'm seeking is either validation or condemnation, rather than specific advice.

Been married 15 years, first 10 were great, but since my wife started working, I think we average 1 pity **** every 3 months.

Yes, she's depressed/anxious. Yes we talked about it, yes I believe I'm doing everything I can to make it better.

I stopped bringing it up because of how angry she would get. All that got me was a load of resentment towards her, souring the relationship. After reading a few posts here, I thought maybe I needed to just man up, and weather her anger storm...same result.

I ignored all sexual anything for about a year, which she loved, so... another backfire.

Here's my question:

The solution I found was in myself. In a nutshell, I changed my reason for not approaching her about sex.

She's in therapy, and I'm choosing to back away and give her space, give her time. I want her to get better, I want her to enjoy our time together, and once I started thinking of it as MY choice, it's taken the edge off...

But for how long? I've been in this hold pattern for a year now, and she still seems content to never have sex.

I'm not getting any younger...

I can't decide if being supportive is just enabling, or if I'm actually doing some good.
In a way, this is kind of what I am at the moment as well.

How long do I allow myself to be on fire and burn up so she doesn't get cold??
 
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