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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,
I am a 25 year old working women, I am married since 2 years and my in law issues started right after marriage in fact before marriage which went unnoticed in wedding cold feet and stuff. I and my husband are high buddies; we have always wanted to be with each other forever we were in relationship for around 8 yrs before we got married. I knew his parents are moderately conservative (as my husband had told me earlier) He had also told me that he has a wonderful family (Joint) where everybody are caring and loving. I am more of Career women which were made clear to my in laws before marriage and like how my husband knows me from school days.
My husband works in a MNC and earns well and i am a fashion designer and i earn well too, we stay in a different city 3 hrs away from where my in laws stay. They have 3 sons and one daughter and my husband is their 3rd child. My elder BIL stays with his family in the US and is earning quite well. And my SIL is married and is in the same city where my in laws stay, younger BIL is a bachelor still and stays like 12hr away from their city. My In laws are aged about early 60’s and are pretty fit and fine. My FIL owns a factory in partnership with his brothers (3 More). They are quite well of Family.
I am from a middle class Family with my family members being very loving, and have made us grow up very independently and have always give importance to our culture, education, feelings and emotions. We are raised by our mother as my father passed away due to a sudden heart attack at a very early age. My mom was just 32 yrs when she had 3 kids aged about 7yr- 5yr -5months. Since my father passed away my mother took up the job that was offered to her as a compensation basis and has been working very hard to make us reach our goal, give us higher education both my maternal and paternal family has supported us to reach the position we are in right now. My mother and rest of the family members have always treated us like their friends and have always given importance to our wishes and dreams. Our opinions regarding anything are never neglected. And since my husband used to come to my house during college days he knows how I’ve been brought up.
The day my in-laws came to know about our relationship, they were not interested in me as it’s a love marriage and it was a inter caste marriage, but they were left with no option as we were very strong and my family has never opposed me as they value my emotions very much and have always given more importance to my happiness than anything else. So as me and my then boyfriend now husband were so truly in love with each other we finally convinced everybody around and we got married in everybody’s presence. When me and my husband were planning our after wedding, he did tell me since there is nobody else to stay with his parents he would want us to stay with them in their place and I could start up my own boutique or a label and he would take over his dad’s business, since I knew how much he loves his parents and didn’t know how cruel they can be I agreed to it, this thought was offered to them by my husband and they called one of my friend’s ( common friend to my husband and me, who stays in the same lane as my in-law’s) and told he is marrying against our wishes now he is telling both of them will leave their job and come a start a new business here, if they don’t earn anything and they burn their hand in business we only will have to take care of them so advice him not to take such decision, hence we decided to stay back in Bangalore and work like earlier and visit them on weekends and holidays.
Then came our Honeymoon plan which my husband told we shouldn’t speak about till his parents tell ‘’ why don’t you both go out on a honeymoon” I was upset but I agreed to it. One of my cousin bro offered us to go out at least on a 2 day trip to a resort which he said he will book and my in-laws told when u r newly married you shouldn’t go anywhere ‘’Buri nazar nalegi’’ I Nodded my head and I stayed at their house for 15 days after wedding and started seeing a different version of my husband in front of his parents. Like he wouldn’t bother to ask me what my opinion is no matter what it is and would make decisions for me which suits his parents and we kept on visiting temples (Only) for these 15 days and that too with whole family and they would book rooms like one for women and one for men types and wouldn’t even consider that me and my husband are newlywed. These acts and sudden change in me started bringing a lot of pressure on me and our relationship in the initial days. Once the 15 days hell was over we were back to Bangalore and started seeing the same loving caring husband who does everything to make me feel happy and more of a friend type. Then I expressed my feeling regarding not going out on a holiday and he said we could go out off the record and can have fun and need not let his parents know about it, I agreed.
Annnnnnnnnnnd then every weekend before we planned for anything like this my FIL would have a calendar and a stop watch in his hand and tell come to our house we need to go do some or the other pooja, it has literally been like we are doing theerthayaathra after wedding some relative’s wedding or someone’s birthday etc., etc., so frankly from almost 2 years me and my husband have never gone out on a honeymoon nor have we spent good time with each other as we hardly have rights to plan our lives. My FIL is more of the dictator types and never values or respects what others want, what their dream is? Etc.,
And my MIL is Monster in Law she is very selfish wants her son only to be around her, she cannot bare when he praises me in terms of work or cooking or anything. She has changed the way I look completely she doesn’t let me wear western outfitls ( not even a formal shirt and a trouser) forget about that not even a decent kurtha without dupatta. She expects me to wear Saree always (which I am not comfortable while travelling or while in crowd like in temples) or else at home I am expected to wear a salwar kameez completely wrapped up. She taunts me in kitchen whenever we are at their house telling i have not been brought up properly, or she comments about the way I dress, how my family is etc., she keeps giving unwanted advice about how I should dress, what colors I should wear etc., etc., (and when it happens in front of my husband the next time we go shopping he insists I buy the types his mom had told) and she creates situations just to demotivate me or make me feel more and more down. She opposes me when I do something and I change it so that it doesn’t hurt their feelings and do like how she says ( ‘’like leaving my hair open ‘’) and next time I tie a pony or plate my hair when we visit them she tells your pony looks ugly you cant even let your hair open’’ huhhhhhhhhh?????????? This is just a instance there are more serious issues that she creates between me and my husband. Like we decided to go to Goa after 1.5 years of our marriage and my husband told his parents and then my Dear MIL tells me in Kitchen that my FIL was telling he wanted to go to Shirdi and he was feeling sad that we decided to go to Goa and dint even consider his wishes. But in front of my husband they would tell ‘’Oh Finally you guys are going out together’’. Due to a deputation of my mother work she had to stay with us in Bangalore for a couple of months so whenever I called my MIL she would ask me when my mother will go, and how long she will stay etc., in a cunning tone…. Our first anniversary me and my husband were a little tight financially hence we couldn’t buy expensive gifts for each other so my MIL told me comparing us to elder son and DIL that we have not bought each other gifts coz we are already fed up of each other, which really hurt me a lot but the fact is we both were buying a LCD TV for his sister’s house warming ceremony (this was insisted by FIL) as a gift and had no money left with us that month. Since my mom was a single parent I had taken educational loan for my higher education as Fashion designing was an expensive course and for this we used to dedicate major part of our salary so that we can come out of debt. My MIL had a say about this as well telling nobody in their family has ever done anything like this by putting education loan on their daughters.
These things leads to me telling actual conversation to husband and he feels I am back biting his parents, and I am too sensitive and look at everything in a negative way etc., etc.,
Which has gradually made me lose hopes on my husband that he can ever understand me or keep me happy? My otherwise loving husband turns to a wicked man when it comes to his parents. The only time we both fight is when we have a conversation about his parents or when we visit his parents.
Although I am still respecting them and don’t speak back or don’t go against their wishes, a new issue raises up that’s is now that my in laws are all alone in a big house, and have started feel they need someone to look after them they have started Forcing us to move back with them and its ok to earn even around 15 k totally(Both ) to be happy there as we don’t have to pay rent or take care of house hold expenses as they do that and they own a house. And my Husband has happily committed that we will do as they say even without taking my concern. I always knew how much my husband loves his parents and respects them hence I had always taken all the **** his mother gave me in Kitchen or when alone or all the dominations my FIL does and how it makes me feel till almost 1.5 years after marriage I opened up to him once these things started ruling my mind and when I felt enough. After I expressed these things to my husband he says time is the only answer to it and they will start accepting me as time goes on and us shifting back with them helps them start liking me. He tells probably because I am not their choice they try to show dissatisfaction regarding me but the thing is its not me its them as their elder son’s marriage was arranged by them and even though my co-sister is someone they ve selected they treat her the same way too but I am a little more. And she is very strong and speaks back hence solves most of her problem. I have started to feel a big time second priority in my husband’s life nowadays I have started to hate seeing his face, I can’t even speak to him properly every road has started to lead to same place and that’s his parents and i.e, fight between us. Since they stay in a smaller city than Bangalore there is no career option for me and for my husband the business he speaks about is not just owned by my FIL it belongs to 3 more of his bro’s as well hence it becomes like we earn nothing and become dependent on them and they have already decided that it’s time we plan for Family which neither of us are ready yet, as we have hardly had fun, hardly have spent some quality time with each other after wedding and if we move back and have earnings how would we raise our kids??? I then offered that they come and stay here in Bangalore with us for that my MIL says she can’t leave that house and come (House more important than their own children growing??????)…………. I ask what you want is someone to be there for you in tough time I am ready to be that ………. I know by offering this still I am screwing my own mental peace but then atleast I would have career satisfaction and we would have enough money to lead a life.
But After all these the matter doesn’t look like is gonna settle down at all as my husband feels I am thinking selfishly and I feel vice-versa. And he even doesn’t mind raising his hand at me or abusing me when it comes to this although he comes back consoles and explains me how much he loves me the way he behaves has started to make me remove him away slowly from my heart. He at times cries his heart out that just because they taunt me he cannot leave them to die alone at this age but he never listens what I am saying when he tells this: I am telling instead of us compromising with our whole life let them come here and stay with us so that we have a win win situation. I definitely love my husband and don’t want to lose him.
I am ready for compromises in life to retain near and dear ones, but I am not ready to make my life a compromise…………….
Am I being selfish??????????????????????????????
 

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Dear pressure-cooker, (like your choice of name)

Firstly, I can understand where you come from... though I don't have the same problems as you do... your problems are not something that I can't understand as I'm aware of a few others who share the same issues...

However, one word of advice is that owing to the fact that this is an international forum many members wouldn't be able to understand some of the words/terms you've used...besides, the concept of arranged/love marriage and joint families you talk about would be alien to many outside Asia...

Now on to your problems
It's very saddening to see that your husband is not supporting you in all of this... and if you don't have him for support I'm afraid to say you wouldn't be able to win your battles here (speak from experience)...my husband would never allow his people to humiliate/offend me...(sometimes he goes overboard with his attempts to support me when not needed and I have to tone him down lol)...but you are in a difficult place....
Divorce is not really anything but the last option in the culture you talk about...

If you indeed feel that you cannot continue to obey your in-laws wish and commands then there is no other go for you than to
1) Either stand for yourself (even against your husband) and not be afraid to do so...e.g. 'If you say you wouldn't do something because you feel is not fair, then don't do it..' you may lose your husband in the process, but in the end you would have to risk that for your own peace of mind...
OR
2) A different approach - You'll have to start understanding a subtler way of keeping your husband happy and on your side...now, I'm not asking you become vile or callous...but in a joint family set up where your husband doesn't support you and where you don't want to lose him - that's the only way out!!!
You need to sit and have a careful think about what it is that your husband values most and try following a bit of that...present your best side to him...don't nag him...subtly show him with evidence how your inlaws treat you compared to other people you know of...don't complain/whine...it's an excruciatingly slow process, but don't give up!!!

This is the only way my own MIL managed to finally convince my stubborn FIL that she wasn't the bad one in the house (her in-laws treated her like **** too!) It was a slow and difficult process and she lost most of her married years trying to please people, walking on eggshells and in tears...If you don't want to endure the same, start thinking of action plan now and stick to it...
Wish you all the best
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi
Thank you so much for your advise, I think its time that i start standing up for myself..... Hoping it will give me some positive results.
 
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