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Everything I wrote is taken straight from everything I've read over the last couple of years on this forum. Over and over again, men have written that they don't care about the relationship unless she's keeping up with him sexually. They're willing to throw away an entire family because sex is their number one priority.
BullSh!t

Feeling loved and cared for by your spouse is priority.

When your LL is physical touch and a spouse couldn't give 2 sh!ts because they just aint feeling it. Tells you where you are on the list of importance.

Same as if your LL is quality time and your spouse does not want to spend time with you. Works all the time, plays stupid video games, always going out with friends to do things w/o you. Kind of tells their spouse how not important they are to them.

A spouse wanting to divorce due to rightly feeling abandoned emotionally could be told same thing. "You willing to throw away an entire family because controlling your spouse is your number one priority!"
 

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I won’t put words in your mouth. That is unfair.

I am curious if you think I don’t provide everything you just mentioned.

I’m very good with my hands and my ability to solve problems. Hell, my kids have the craziest toys in the neighborhood because I can’t leave well enough alone. I modify everything. I can fix anything in the house, too. I am extremely strong and can lift Whatever it is that my wife wants moved around the house. I can assure you she wants for nothing in this area of our lives. I will toot my own horn here and say that I am exceptional in this area when compared to the typical man.

I do not fuss about her parents, but I also don’t go out of my way to be in their lives. Her mother and I do not see eye to eye as she subscribed to a modern women’s movement that I strongly disagree with, but under no circumstances do I show her or her father disrespect. My wife is well aware that all video games would be dropped in a heartbeat if she wanted to do something as simple as sitting and talking or watching a show together. I remind her of this often (for the few video games I do play).

again, I’m perplexed by your view of men as a whole. I feel like you feel we are out to get you. I am not perfect by any means, but I can say with confidence that I am a high quality man.

what would you say is your requirement that I have the right to speak? What is your requirement that I must meet in order to have needs of my own?

the only argument I’m seeing so far is that I as the man must do what my wife wants when she wants. If I don’t or I divorce her, then I’m a pig. I’m one of the bad men. Are men allowed to have needs too?
Not according to her. Your talking to a brick wall.
 

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LATERILUS79 said:
I won’t put words in your mouth. That is unfair.

I am curious if you think I don’t provide everything you just mentioned.

I’m very good with my hands and my ability to solve problems. Hell, my kids have the craziest toys in the neighborhood because I can’t leave well enough alone. I modify everything. I can fix anything in the house, too. I am extremely strong and can lift Whatever it is that my wife wants moved around the house. I can assure you she wants for nothing in this area of our lives. I will toot my own horn here and say that I am exceptional in this area when compared to the typical man.

I do not fuss about her parents, but I also don’t go out of my way to be in their lives. Her mother and I do not see eye to eye as she subscribed to a modern women’s movement that I strongly disagree with, but under no circumstances do I show her or her father disrespect. My wife is well aware that all video games would be dropped in a heartbeat if she wanted to do something as simple as sitting and talking or watching a show together. I remind her of this often (for the few video games I do play).

again, I’m perplexed by your view of men as a whole. I feel like you feel we are out to get you. I am not perfect by any means, but I can say with confidence that I am a high quality man.

what would you say is your requirement that I have the right to speak? What is your requirement that I must meet in order to have needs of my own?

the only argument I’m seeing so far is that I as the man must do what my wife wants when she wants. If I don’t or I divorce her, then I’m a pig. I’m one of the bad men. Are men allowed to have needs too?

DF
Not according to her. Your talking to a brick wall.
Wow I got lost here. who are ya'll responding to? Who is calling men pigs? I really got lost by some huge left turn?
Or did something get deleted that would have made sense?
 

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Not according to her. Your talking to a brick wall.
Look, There is no budging. I didn’t know DBTR was unmarried and without kids. That ended the conversation for me as there was nothing left that was even remotely relatable. That’s fine. I have no issues with her view point, but I can no longer get anything meaningful from the conversation. I’m here at TAM to get different insights into marriage and relationships, but from a standpoint that is relatable and reasonable.

Then there are the subset of women here (in the minority) that subscribe to certain ideologies that I will never agree with. Again, that’s fine - but I don’t get anything useful from their comments. There’s no reason to even bother with the conversation once they make their position known.

these threads unfortunately do not attract the HD women on this site. Again, that is fine. They would chime in if they felt they could gain something from this discussion. Lots of people forget that dead bedrooms affect both men and women - and it is heartbreaking. Scroll a few pages back and you’ll see a great post by TwoDecades on this subject. My guess is that she would chime in more, but I know she is very busy with many other things and doesn’t have time for this site.
Jump around the site and you’ll see plenty of posts from HD women looking to get a more fulfilling relationship from their husbands, but probably where I see it the most, and the most tragic place as well, is in the coping with infidelity threads. It breaks my heart. I hate seeing HD women cheated on. I hate cheating all around, but I am shocked at the number of HD women that are cheated on. I was not prepared to read about that when I first came to this site. It went against all logic to me. I could see some slime ball not divorce his LD wife and start cheating. But to have a good sex life and do it anyway? I have to admit, these are the scenarios that bother me the most. These are the guys I just want to….. they cause high quality women to get a skewed view of men. These guys are outliers and complete garbage.
 

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You know lots of men who have control over themselves? You have never been married. I'm not even sure if you've ever been in a long term relationship. How can you know all these men have "control over themselves" the way you think if you have not been in a long term sexual relationship with them?

So you are a women, no track record of marriage, and probably no LTR, but you are going to tell men that their sexual needs are their own problem based on your vast exposure to all those men you "know" with self control. You can't even recognize that a problem for one spouse is a problem for both spouses. It is a team effort. I would argue you are extraordinarily oblivious to what a man's needs are as well as what level of teamwork a marriage requires in order to be successful and have two happy partners.
Oh, I see. Just because I'm not married, I get to have no knowledge or opinion about sex or relationships or basically anything you don't agree with me on, even though I'm 68 years old. Brilliant. Got it, BigDaddyNY. Very convenient. Fortunately, I don't need your permission to have an opinion. So you might just want to put me on ignore.
 
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these threads unfortunately do not attract the HD women on this site. Again, that is fine. They would chime in if they felt they could gain something from this discussion. Lots of people forget that dead bedrooms affect both men and women - and it is heartbreaking.
Well, this thread was about how MEN view sex in marriage.

But I have to be honest...I've gone through too much pain and disappointment in my marriage to defend my right to have the needs and expectations that I want from a monogamous relationship honored, with people who show no empathy or RESPECT for MY feelings and experience, simply because it doesn't match theirs.

I'm certainly not going to join any discussion with someone who has the opinion that ANY unwanted sexual activity with me is abuse to my partner...that's personally offensive and repulsive to me, and I have NOTHING to say to anyone who would even see my experience that way.
 

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Well, this thread was about how MEN view sex in marriage.

But I have to be honest...I've gone through too much pain and disappointment in my marriage to defend my right to have the needs and expectations that I want from a monogamous relationship honored, with people who show no empathy or RESPECT for MY feelings and experience, simply because it doesn't match theirs.

I'm certainly not going to join any discussion with someone who has the opinion that ANY unwanted sexual activity with me is abuse to my partner...that's personally offensive and repulsive to me, and I have NOTHING to say to anyone who would even see my experience that way.
agreed on the point of how men view sex in marriage. I get sidetracked easily. 😂 sometimes I gotta remind myself to re-read the title of the thread instead of just clicking.

for the remainder of what you said….I’m going to ask you to pardon me on this one. I feel like the village idiot here. I didn’t understand any of your points in the last two paragraphs after reading them both 5 times.

you had quoted me so I didn’t want to not answer….. I just didn’t know what you were getting at. I’m sorry you’ve dealt with a lot of pain in your marriage. I need to read up on your story sometime.
 

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But you CAN understand something of how men go through life, and that is a great asset for you. Your understanding of the situation, even only for a short time each month, gives you the capacity for empathy that many women don't express in this area. Your husband is a lucky, lucky man. :)
But I think it goes both ways. Most men don't understand how women feel like. It would be interesting to see men going through hormonal changes every month, or feeling like they don't want sex at all.

This is why finding a middle ground benefits both parties.
 

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agreed on the point of how men view sex in marriage. I get sidetracked easily. 😂 sometimes I gotta remind myself to re-read the title of the thread instead of just clicking.

for the remainder of what you said….I’m going to ask you to pardon me on this one. I feel like the village idiot here. I didn’t understand any of your points in the last two paragraphs after reading them both 5 times.

you had quoted me so I didn’t want to not answer….. I just didn’t know what you were getting at. I’m sorry you’ve dealt with a lot of pain in your marriage. I need to read up on your story sometime.
I didn't really post my explicit story on here, I've brought it up when I believe my perspective might help someone else.

I only quoted you because I was answering you as to why, as a HD woman from a sexless marriage, I didn't feel like wading into this thread...number one was because I didn't want to interject my thoughts because I thought it was for men.

But the second reason is because as I followed the posts, I didn't want to engage in any of the arguments. I don't believe MY perspective would have been respected or have mattered AT ALL. So I stayed silent.
 

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But I think it goes both ways. Most men don't understand how women feel like. It would be interesting to see men going through hormonal changes every month, or feeling like they don't want sex at all.

This is why finding a middle ground benefits both parties.
There are plenty of men who don't want sex...and even go through hormonal changes - ever see a man with low Testosterone and high Estrogen...?? YIKES!!!!
 

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Working out in the boxing gym today hitting bags, competing, trash talking, etc… spiked my testosterone and my wife is going to be getting initiated on this evening unless she avoids the bedroom completely.

Yesterday she came to bed and was tired but after I confirmed she wasn’t “dead tired” gave it the old college try.

I’m guessing today she will be even more tired and also perhaps worn out. So I have already made the decision that I would be happy to have her give me a BJ if she’d prefer that to PIV.

Sometimes you have to look for creative solutions!
 

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I can give you my point of view as a woman who likes sex, without any medical or psychological issues. I don't know what to tell you if I were LD because I don't understand what they go through.

I think my husband has always wanted a lot more sex than me. He told me once he understood I didn't want sex every day, and he wanted a compromise. I think we've reached that point. By reaching a compromise, I don't feel anxious about it and I can enjoy it a lot more.

I also appreciate what he does outside the bedroom and he's fun to be around, which makes him more appealing. Also, sex is a trigger for his headaches so sometimes I'm the one who's sexually frustrated.

My best guess is to try and reach a compromise. What's acceptable for you? Are there any hormonal problems affecting your spouse's libido? BC pills killed my libido. I was lucky to figure that out on my own. But it didn't happen overnight. I felt I had to reset my whole body for a while.

I'm also curious to know what's going on with other women. I don't understand when they say they don't want sex at all. That's something that doesn't happen to me.
I’m a woman and my libido goes up and down. In the past because of depression and not going therapy, and not understanding what was going on mentally in my brain, I would go on binges where I didn’t want to have sex for weeks at a time. Of course that led my ex’s to cheat on me. I’m going to therapy now and it has helped a lot. We have sex at least 4-5 times a week. Sometimes twice in a day. My libido drops a few days before my cycle, and ramps back up afterwards, especially when I’m ovulating. I have been LD in the past and in my current relationship. We talked and came to a compromise, because he want sex everyday, which I agreed to, but with our physically demanding jobs and 2 kids with 2 different school schedules, sometimes we’re too tired to have sex, but we make up for it the next day.
 

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I can give you my point of view as a woman who likes sex, without any medical or psychological issues. I don't know what to tell you if I were LD because I don't understand what they go through.

I think my husband has always wanted a lot more sex than me. He told me once he understood I didn't want sex every day, and he wanted a compromise. I think we've reached that point. By reaching a compromise, I don't feel anxious about it and I can enjoy it a lot more.

I also appreciate what he does outside the bedroom and he's fun to be around, which makes him more appealing. Also, sex is a trigger for his headaches so sometimes I'm the one who's sexually frustrated.

My best guess is to try and reach a compromise. What's acceptable for you? Are there any hormonal problems affecting your spouse's libido? BC pills killed my libido. I was lucky to figure that out on my own. But it didn't happen overnight. I felt I had to reset my whole body for a while.

I'm also curious to know what's going on with other women. I don't understand when they say they don't want sex at all. That's something that doesn't happen to me.
Just FWIW, it isn't always the female that is the LD in a marriage. A year ago wife's doctor changed her HRT proportions, her libido went higher than it had ever been. So, this old man had to make some changes, including getting on HRT and embarking on a fitness program to keep up the pace she was setting. Partners who love one another want to make one another happy, and make the effort to do so.
 

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I’m a woman and my libido goes up and down. In the past because of depression and not going therapy, and not understanding what was going on mentally in my brain, I would go on binges where I didn’t want to have sex for weeks at a time. Of course that led my ex’s to cheat on me. I’m going to therapy now and it has helped a lot. We have sex at least 4-5 times a week. Sometimes twice in a day. My libido drops a few days before my cycle, and ramps back up afterwards, especially when I’m ovulating. I have been LD in the past and in my current relationship. We talked and came to a compromise, because he want sex everyday, which I agreed to, but with our physically demanding jobs and 2 kids with 2 different school schedules, sometimes we’re too tired to have sex, but we make up for it the next day.
Staceymj86, thank you for sharing.

I really wanted to address something here that I think you should know - your LL DID NOT lead to your exes cheating. Your exes cheated due to character flaws on their part, not yours. If they felt they needed someone else, then they should have come to you first and ended the relationship like a common, decent person.
 

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Just FWIW, it isn't always the female that is the LD in a marriage. A year ago wife's doctor changed her HRT proportions, her libido went higher than it had ever been. So, this old man had to make some changes, including getting on HRT and embarking on a fitness program to keep up the pace she was setting. Partners who love one another want to make one another happy, and make the effort to do so.
What is this magical HRT you speak of?
 

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Staceymj86, thank you for sharing.

I really wanted to address something here that I think you should know - your LL DID NOT lead to your exes cheating. Your exes cheated due to character flaws on their part, not yours. If they felt they needed someone else, then they should have come to you first and ended the relationship like a common, decent person.
That would’ve saved me so much anger and hurt.
 

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There are plenty of men who don't want sex...and even go through hormonal changes - ever see a man with low Testosterone and high Estrogen...?? YIKES!!!!
Yes, I think most men don't know about other men with hormonal imbalances. I think talking about those problems are seen as less manly, unattractive, weak, beta, etc.

Men are very reluctant to go to the doctor, specially to talk about their penis and it's function, or lack of function. My FIL hasn't let his PCP do a prostate check because "he's not gay!" WTF?!? I don't say anything about it anymore, but he pees 1000 times a day and night. Whatever!
 
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