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Discussion Starter · #301 ·
Quite the story there @backhand. If nothing else the call with the old flame should have been a confidence boost. I think it helps put you on more equal footing with your wife, but not sure if she recognizes that or not. I'm really glad to see that everything you wrote here indicates you are an upstanding man. It would have been easy to let that call run away into inappropriate territory. Also great that you talked to your wife about it, very open.

So I assume she isn't staying in a hotel since you are talking. Is she back to sleeping in the bedroom? I hope the bold action you took is pushing things in the right direction for you.
Thanks for the compliment. I think I did the big picture stuff right in a surprise on-the-spot test. I included the commentary, which I'm not proud of, about what was also flashing through my mind (ha, "the devil sitting on my shoulder"). It shows the kind of inner dialogue that can be superficially tempting to a relatively "upstanding" man in my aforementioned ~85% category when he isn't getting all of his physical needs met and/or is unhappy with some of his wife's behavior.
 

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I would absolutely not define high quality as a woman who has never been alone with a man before her wedding night.

High quality equals intelligent, honest, faithful, good natured, capable, loving, caring, giving, good at compromise, hard working, attractive, healthy, happy, interesting, energetic, monogamous, sexually open with her partner...

Never been alone with a man before her wedding night? I realize there are some societies and/or religions that use that as a measure of value but I am not part of them and I find that measure kind of repugnant. Aside from that, using that as a measure of value in reality reveals nothing about how said woman will act in a relationship. You could end up with a real dud.
I like the idea, but it's a bit of a fantasy IMHO.
I've never met any guy that had a wife like that, although I've met a couple of guys that claimed to have a wife like that (and were completely wrong).
From my (limited) experience there are few guys I've encountered whom have any idea what their wives are like (Just look how many guys post here about limited sex in their marriage, and cheating women).
.... and that includes me, my former wife had been cheating on me for 30 years, and I'd have sworn on a stack of bibles that she was the 'quality woman' that @Livvie had described.

Not to mention for the entire 30 years I'd been the 'quality man' every woman is supposed to want. But I've learned different now.
At the risk of being called one of those guys that is completely wrong, which I'm not, my wife ticks off all of the qualities on LIvvie's list. However, she had been alone with a man before her wedding night, me included ;) There are plenty of women that were virgins on their wedding night, but are far from good quality people. It is a ridiculous measure of a person.

34 years and I've seen examples of these qualities in her time and time again. Women and men with those qualities are out there. I also think those qualities can feed on each other and can motivate the other spouse when they see their partner exhibiting those qualities.
 

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Thanks for the compliment. I think I did the big picture stuff right in a surprise on-the-spot test. I included the commentary, which I'm not proud of, about what was also flashing through my mind (ha, "the devil sitting on my shoulder"). It shows the kind of inner dialogue that can be superficially tempting to a relatively "upstanding" man in my aforementioned ~85% category when he isn't getting all of his physical needs met and/or is unhappy with some of his wife's behavior.
You definitely passed the test. Many people would have taken that conversation down the wrong path. Don't be ashamed of those thoughts. They are just part of being human and part of the regular temptations we have to deal with all the time.
 

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It would be intersting to hear from other women here to see if they share DBTR's sentiments?
I like sex. I need sex, but I don't need sex every day.

I don't need sex like a man, because I'm not a man.

As a woman who likes to have regular sex, I don't understand women who don't like to have sex at all, or women who feel sex is a duty.

I'm someone who is very sensitive to hormonal changes. I know I'm ovulating because my body changes and I feel I want to jump my husband's bones. That's the time of the month when I understand men and their desires. I can't control it and I think about sex all day. I dream about it, and I can't wait to have some time alone with my husband. But this doesn't last too long (thank God!) then I'm back to responsive desire.

It's a very clear cycle for me. This cycle wasn't clear years ago when I was taking BC pills, or when I had two toddlers running around. My body and hormones were all over the place. I know my husband was not completely happy with our sex life. He understood, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. He was patient. I think he understood our situation better than me. I'm grateful for that.

I really don't know why women are LD. I know about myself and my body, but I don't know if that applies to every woman.

It takes effort to have a good marriage, and it takes effort to have a good sex life. It takes effort to be a good parent, a good cook, a good housekeeper. You try to do your best at work, why not doing the same for your marriage? TAM has helped me understand things that were not clear enough for me about my marriage and my husband.

Sex is important to me. I need sex at least once a week. I would go crazy in a sexless marriage.
 

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Thanks for the compliment. I think I did the big picture stuff right in a surprise on-the-spot test. I included the commentary, which I'm not proud of, about what was also flashing through my mind (ha, "the devil sitting on my shoulder"). It shows the kind of inner dialogue that can be superficially tempting to a relatively "upstanding" man in my aforementioned ~85% category when he isn't getting all of his physical needs met and/or is unhappy with some of his wife's behavior.
What many fail to realize is marriages often end up in bad positions BECAUSE they completely ignore the 'devil on their shoulder'. While that guy is a selfish prick, he is very same voice that is telling you when you are neglecting your own needs for someone else...often to the detriment of our marriage and ourselves.

I'm not suggesting that some moderation isn't necessary, but he can't be completely ignored, either.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 
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I like sex. I need sex, but I don't need sex every day.

I don't need sex like a man, because I'm not a man.

As a woman who likes to have regular sex, I don't understand women who don't like to have sex at all, or women who feel sex is a duty.

I'm someone who is very sensitive to hormonal changes. I know I'm ovulating because my body changes and I feel I want to jump my husband's bones. That's the time of the month when I understand men and their desires. I can't control it and I think about sex all day. I dream about it, and I can't wait to have some time alone with my husband. But this doesn't last too long (thank God!) then I'm back to responsive desire.

It's a very clear cycle for me. This cycle wasn't clear years ago when I was taking BC pills, or when I had two toddlers running around. My body and hormones were all over the place. I know my husband was not completely happy with our sex life. He understood, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. He was patient. I think he understood our situation better than me. I'm grateful for that.

I really don't know why women are LD. I know about myself and my body, but I don't know if that applies to every woman.

It takes effort to have a good marriage, and it takes effort to have a good sex life. It takes effort to be a good parent, a good cook, a good housekeeper. You try to do your best at work, why not doing the same for your marriage? TAM has helped me understand things that were not clear enough for me about my marriage and my husband.

Sex is important to me. I need sex at least once a week. I would go crazy in a sexless marriage.
Great to hear this from a woman. I especially like your comment about effort. Anything worthwhile requires effort, marriage and your sex life are no different.

From your description it sounds like I'm always ovulating, lol. Joking aside, I can't understand a sexless marriage either. Even with crazy work schedules, stress, kids, etc., there has to be some time in the marriage for sex.
 

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Discussion Starter · #308 ·
...It takes effort to have a good marriage, and it takes effort to have a good sex life. It takes effort to be a good parent, a good cook, a good housekeeper. You try to do your best at work, why not doing the same for your marriage?....
Well said. A person can fill in their own activities in lieu of being a good cook or whatever, but choosing to care enough to do your best by asking and acting on this question should be at the top of the list: What can I do to make him (e.g., sexual fulfilment) or her (e.g., active listening and communication) happy to be alive and married to me?
 

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That's true to a point but they must be more that holds a marriage together or if something awful happened such as an accident that meant there could be no more sex, or a serious illness, the marriage could not survive.
My husband's first wife was pretty ill for some time and they didn't have sex for 9 months. It's part of the for better or for worse in marriage.
Accident or serious illness...that is not the issue. It is when the LD spouse refuses to address it. If something happened severly to me, i would pull out all the stops, including surgery to correct it or at least attempt anything humanly possible to satisfy my wife sexually.

The reverse happened, i believe she would do the same. I could live with that. Be pretty damned sad but could endure knowing she wanted to please me but was physically incapable....not because she just didn't care enough to do what ever she could do to correct it.
 

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As a woman who likes to have regular sex, I don't understand women who don't like to have sex at all, or women who feel sex is a duty.
What would you do if you had a man "ovulating" all the time and wanted sex a lot more than you did? Since you understand how the man would feel like... just curious.
 

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I think we have two wildly different conversations going on here. Some are talking sexless, others once a week, others once a day or more. I think we all agree sexless isn't fair to anyone without medical or mental issues. But for many on this board they would divorce their wife over once a week and have advised others to do so.
 

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I think we have two wildly different conversations going on here. Some are talking sexless, others once a week, others once a day or more. I think we all agree sexless isn't fair to anyone without medical or mental issues. But for many on this board they would divorce their wife over once a week and have advised others to do so.
In my first marriage once a week would have been great.
Once a month was more like it with me, although I'm not sure how often she was doing it with her lovers (which I didn't know about at the time).
 

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But for many on this board they would divorce their wife over once a week and have advised others to do so.
Not me. I would have been happy with once a week. Quality over quantity for me. But many will disagree, probably saying you can have quality sex every day of the week... :)
 

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What would you do if you had a man "ovulating" all the time and wanted sex a lot more than you did? Since you understand how the man would feel like... just curious.
I can give you my point of view as a woman who likes sex, without any medical or psychological issues. I don't know what to tell you if I were LD because I don't understand what they go through.

I think my husband has always wanted a lot more sex than me. He told me once he understood I didn't want sex every day, and he wanted a compromise. I think we've reached that point. By reaching a compromise, I don't feel anxious about it and I can enjoy it a lot more.

I also appreciate what he does outside the bedroom and he's fun to be around, which makes him more appealing. Also, sex is a trigger for his headaches so sometimes I'm the one who's sexually frustrated.

My best guess is to try and reach a compromise. What's acceptable for you? Are there any hormonal problems affecting your spouse's libido? BC pills killed my libido. I was lucky to figure that out on my own. But it didn't happen overnight. I felt I had to reset my whole body for a while.

I'm also curious to know what's going on with other women. I don't understand when they say they don't want sex at all. That's something that doesn't happen to me.
 

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It takes effort to have a good marriage, and it takes effort to have a good sex life
As a minor tangent, I’d love to hear what women would say “effort” looks like for a wife, especially one who has responsive desire. Such wives simply don’t think about sex outside of when it’s sprung upon them. To me, “effort” would necessitate thinking about a something outside the time it’s actually occurring. If that’s true, it would seem that RD women don’t (and perhaps are incapable of) putting effort into their sex life.

Help me out here!
 

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I can give you my point of view as a woman who likes sex, without any medical or psychological issues. I don't know what to tell you if I were LD because I don't understand what they go through.

I think my husband has always wanted a lot more sex than me. He told me once he understood I didn't want sex every day, and he wanted a compromise. I think we've reached that point. By reaching a compromise, I don't feel anxious about it and I can enjoy it a lot more.

I also appreciate what he does outside the bedroom and he's fun to be around, which makes him more appealing. Also, sex is a trigger for his headaches so sometimes I'm the one who's sexually frustrated.

My best guess is to try and reach a compromise. What's acceptable for you? Are there any hormonal problems affecting your spouse's libido? BC pills killed my libido. I was lucky to figure that out on my own. But it didn't happen overnight. I felt I had to reset my whole body for a while.

I'm also curious to know what's going on with other women. I don't understand when they say they don't want sex at all. That's something that doesn't happen to me.
Thanks for the reply... you say you have no psychological issues, but your user name is pastasauce? :geek:

Joking apart, it's great that you managed to reach a compromise. This is what I have done all my life, but then other problems kicked in, so it was a struggle.

I'm also curious to know what's going on with other women. I don't understand when they say they don't want sex at all. That's something that doesn't happen to me.
I'm not a woman :) but regarding the above, I'm pretty sure a woman stops wanting sex when she has lost attraction/respect for her partner. In your case, you haven't.
 

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Cherry-picked religions beliefs.... lol. It took me awhile to blow through that one. Childhood indoctrination is a b1tch, even at 42 years old.

All of these things reasons can be handled. You just need to get to a place of indifference, but it can be done.
Religious beliefs go both ways. I do not believe i can Biblically divorce my wife except on grounds of sexual immoral behavior. Most people just think adultry...but Biblical grounds are more than just adultry. I consider withholding as some spouses do, as the Bible says do not refrain unless both spouses agree and come back together, as sexually immoral behavior on her part and Biblical grounds for divorce.
 

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I think we have two wildly different conversations going on here. Some are talking sexless, others once a week, others once a day or more. I think we all agree sexless isn't fair to anyone without medical or mental issues. But for many on this board they would divorce their wife over once a week and have advised others to do so.
It isn't really two problems though is it. The problem is a difference in libidos that creates friction. If you can agree that sexless is a problem, then you should be able to see that any large difference will create a similar problem. At that point we are just arguing over how to balance that difference. That balance will be different for each couple, and it will probably be an uncomfortable place for both -- not enough for one and too much for the other. It's very possible that once a week is not the balance point for that couple, and they should still look for something different. If the LD partner in that situation is not willing to recognize the problem, then the HD's situation is not going to improve. At that point, yes, divorce is an option since only one person is willing to work to fix the situation.
 

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I can't imagine feeling like that all the time! :eek:
But you CAN understand something of how men go through life, and that is a great asset for you. Your understanding of the situation, even only for a short time each month, gives you the capacity for empathy that many women don't express in this area. Your husband is a lucky, lucky man. :)
 
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