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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So as to not confuse... I am a married woman... 12 years. I am a BS. I am also a lesbian so when you are reading this you will understand why everything is in the female. If you have an issue with my sexual orientation... I respect your opinion but my heart is breaking just the same as everyone else's here. I met my wife 12 years ago, we were married 3 years later. She is 43, I am 39. In Feb. 2012 I started noticing her disconnect and the time and energy she was putting into a mutual friend who is 48. After confrontation and the "We're just friends" in May 2012 she gave me "I love you but I'm not in love with you". In June 2012 she told me she was struggling with an "emotional connection" to the OW. I demanded no contact. She refused. In Dec. 2012 I discovered that what I was really dealing with was an 18 month affair (emotional and physical) that began in May of 2011. We have both been in individual therapy since June when the "emotional connection" half truth was revealed. Her therapist referred her to a psychiatrist then has medicated the hell out of her for clinical depression. We tried a marriage therapist but she said she couldn't help us because my W was still actively in her affair and until she decided to give to the marriage 100% then we would be spinning our wheels. Financially we are super-glued together. Everything is joint and money is tight. I have left for a couple of weeks at a time to stay with friends to give her some space. Because regardless... I DO LOVE HER. And I want to save my marriage. But here is where I am today:

My wife had plans to leave the home and go to her brother's out of state and impose No Contact on the OW and myself. But then due to injury...my wife had to have shoulder surgery yesterday and everything is postponed. The week prior she was getting hell from the OW who wanted to come take care of her and be there for the surgery. My wife said no. That I was going to be there as were her parents. She got so much pressure from the OW that she eventually asked me what I would think about the OW "taking care of her during the day while you are at work?". I lost it. Are you freaking kidding me. So then the OW says "if you choose your wife to take care of you then you choose your wife over me and I am done"... probably the 20th ultimatum she has given my wife to leave me. All is quiet for a few days. Then the night before the surgery my wife is guarding her cell like a pit bull... I realize that they have had many texts between them but she deleted them. I was pissed... she asked why? Well my dear because you are deleting texts because you don't want me to see them because you are deceitful. She said she deleted them so I wouldn't go crazy and that it was the OW asking to talk to her before surgery and she was discouraging her. Then I intercept the next text "What time do you want me to call in the AM?" really? liar. My wife went nuts. She was busted. But some how it was my fault. "Why are you doing this the night before my surgery when I need you the most?"... blah blah blah. Fine. I texted them both. I told the OW that my wife was giving us mixed messages. That my wife told me she wanted me to be there for her, that she loved me more and if she really wanted to be with the OW she would be. I said I was done. I give up and wished them good luck. I told the OW I would text her when my W was out of surgery. The morning of surgery, I walked in on my wife at 5:45 a.m. just in time to hear her say "I love you too" to the OW who had called. Now I have to get her in the car with her 75 year old parents and drive her to the hospital. Watch her cry, hold her hand, listen to her tell me that she does love me and she is F'd up and is sorry she has done this to us and "I don't deserve you"... Remaining calm I watched her go to the OR. I sat in the waiting room... my favorite part was when the OW called my mother-in-law's cell (as a "friend") to check on my W. I almost threw up. I have been caring for my elderly in-laws, caring for my W and her machines, dressings, ice packs, and medications. Listening to more of the "I love you, I'm sorry, I don't deserve you" Tears and tears just crushing me.

I am in love with her. She has betrayed me. I could forgive her. But she hasn't ended the affair. So here I am playing the good wife. My strength and endurance are low. I'm hoping for a change from her but am ready for and expecting that after I nurse her to health she will leave as she had planned before and I will have no idea if she ever plans to return to my marriage or to tell me it's over. Before you tell me to kick her to the curb or throw her out... leave her... and all of those things all BS's feel in our anger and resentment, you must know this about me. I take my vows very seriously. They are the cornerstone of my moral integrity. I once told my wife that I would not make a divorce easy on her by leaving her. Just becasue she broke her vows doesn't mean that I will break mine. I didnt put a ring on her finger and promise to lover her and never leave her UNLESS she made a big mistake and was unfaithful. My promise was good/bad, better/worse... If she wants out, she's got to end it. Thus far she hasn't. But she knows she can no longer have relationship with me while she has one with the OW. I am no longer an option. But damn if the universe didn't throw me a curve ball and test me with this surgery. Somedays I think I'm either the strongest/toughest person I know and others I am thik I'm the one who should be on all the meds with a shrink.

So thanks for listening. I really needed to unload some of this somewhere...
 

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By refusing to end the affair she has made the choice of the OW over you. The marriage is dead and gone. It's not what you wanted to happen, but it is what has happened.

Honestly, expose the affair to both the OW and you wifes friends and family and admit to yourself that she has made her choice.

Her going away an not having any contact with you and the OW is also her choosing the affair over the M. Instead of working on the M she was planning on leaving it. Btw, as you can see already, she would have stayed in contact with the OW and lied to you.

You need accept that she has chosen to leave the marriage, but not have the guts to pull the final trigger.
 

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Sounds like your cheating wife is caking-eating. She wants both of you, and has turned the situation into a competition between you and the OW.

The Humiliating Dance of

It's typical cheater behavior.

Time to give the ultimatum...you, or her. And then back up your ultimatum with action. Don't cave.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I think both of you are right. It's so very hard to think that someone you love and trusted is capable of such devious behavior. It really makes me question my ability to judge someone's character. I married this woman. How could I have been so wrong in who she was and what she was capable of?
 

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Welcome to the club that none of us wanted to be in.

Be strong. If you would be able to forgive your cheating wife and take her back, then you need to kill the affair and break her addiction to the OW.
Exposure to your WW's friends/family and anybody who is important in her life might shake her out of it. Humiliation and the embarrassment of being a "cheater" has killed many an affair.

If she does stop the affair and wants to recommit to you, then No Contact with the OW is imperative. She would need to be completely transparent, and show remorse with her actions...not words.

Personally, though, I think that you would be better off cutting loose. She has already demonstrated that she won't stop her affair, and is playing the cake-eater's game.

Let her go.

Sorry, but there are other women out there with integrity who won't cheat.

It sounds like you could forgive her, though, so you might as well give it a try. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Has she ever cheated before?
 
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Why do you believe you don't deserve any better?

Your wife is a major cake eater. Close the bakery. It's simple, it's about self respect. Tell her to go to OWs. She' all hers.
Start the lawyers procedings to erase you financial and legal conections.
Go dark on her. Implement, live the 180. All through lawyers.
Don't give her any kind of emotional response.


The Healing Heart: The 180
Just Let Them Go
 

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Welcome to the club that none of us wanted to be in.

Be strong. If you would be able to forgive your cheating wife and take her back, then you need to kill the affair and break her addiction to the OW.
Exposure to your WW's friends/family and anybody who is important in her life might shake her out of it. Humiliation and the embarrassment of being a "cheater" has killed many an affair.

If she does stop the affair and wants to recommit to you, then No Contact with the OW is imperative. She would need to be completely transparent, and show remorse with her actions...not words.

Personally, though, I think that you would be better off cutting loose. She has already demonstrated that she won't stop her affair, and is playing the cake-eater's game.

Let her go.

Sorry, but there are other women out there with integrity who won't cheat.

It sounds like you could forgive her, though, so you might as well give it a try. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Has she ever cheated before?
^^^^^ This. Right now during her time of 'sickness' its probable that you are the more secure/stable/responsible one. But yes she is cake eating. Your absence right now will do more good than harm, IMHO. Let the capable nurses and doctors tend to her while you tend to YOU.

If she and her lover have to fend off uncomfortable questions of why you aren't there being the good wife, so be it. Its not your job to ease them through their ickiness, let them bear the weight of their actions and decisions.
 

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I'm reminded of a phone conversation I had many years with a gay friend of mine. His boyfriend had cheated on him, and he called me quite late one night and poured his heart out. At the end, he asked me "Do straight people have these problems?"

I was incredulous that he asked that! The pain accompanying betrayal cares not for orientation, culture, or religion.

I'm sorry circumstances led you here, but I think it's a good place to vent and get viewpoints. I hope you get some good advice. The only thing I can say at this point is you shouldn't accept being second place, holding down the fort while she gets her emotional needs met elsewhere.

It's so very hard to think that someone you love and trusted is capable of such devious behavior. It really makes me question my ability to judge someone's character. I married this woman. How could I have been so wrong in who she was and what she was capable of?
If you're looking for people that know precisely what you are thinking and feeling, you found the right place. Quite a few of this could, and have, written this almost word for word.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
No she has never cheated before. But doesn't that sound funny to firmly say when you are dealing with a lying, currently cheating spouse. So who knows right? I am ready to cut off contact. She knows it. I can tell a difference in her interactions with me. She seems cautious and remorseful. I just went home for lunch to check on her and her parents and she showed me the text messages between her and the OW today. In the past she has always deleted them. The OW was upset and said that "it seems nothing has changed and your wife moved back in and is fighting for you". I asked my W why she didn't tell her that I was no longer fighting and when she is fully recuperrated and taking her "space" at her brother's that I am no longer an option and no longer fighting for her. My wife responded "because I think you are still fighting. I think we are still fighting." She said I love you and I just looked at her. She said "You are supposed to say it back." I told her I didn't have to say it back, my actions showed it. She hung her head for a few minutes.

In my earlier years I knew people with drug problems. This really feels like trying to rationalize with an alcoholic or dope addict. I don't think she truly expects me to adhere to No Contact when she leaves. It's the hardest thing I will ever have to do but I told her I don't want her by default. I want to be wanted. I think I've proven my love enough. Now it's her turn. Oh!...and when she showed me the text messages but I told her there were 2 missing. (I checked the mobile log) so she was trying to show me an effort of transparency but STILL managed to lie. When I called her out on it she didn't look surprised. She said the 2 deleted messages were the OW saying "Now that you are not deleting my calls and texts (which the OW has asked her to stop doing too, I guess so I can see how in love they are) I guess I won't be getting any good texts anymore?" My W said her text response was "I'm not deleting anymore calls or texts except these two." She says it's because she thought the OW was trying to make me mistrust her more by typing that... The rest of the 10 messages were the OW and her arguing and then the OW ending in a supportive love position of my W going to her brother's to take care of herself. vomit.

How do OW/OM look at themselves in the mirror? Especially when they were not strangers? This woman was our friend... been at every birthday, gathering, anniversary for the past 4 years. I'm determined to hard 180... But letting go is very difficult when you are still in love.
 

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You need to be better at the 180.
Tell her to stop showing you her texts with OW. Tell her it's irrelevant, you are not interested anymore. Stop engaging in "relationship" conversations. As a matter of fact every time she talk about anything but her physical state stop her, walk away. Also don't explain yourself anymore, your plans, your schedule, your mental state. She fired you from the work of being confidant, taking care of you... you are there becuase you care of her physical health. Period.
She believes you are fighting for her becuase you are still showing interest. Your actions (talking, being interested) tell her you are fighting for her, you talk about the "in the future" will be X, Y, Z means nothing. She feels you are still emotionaly engaging. Close that bakery.
And put the legal ball rolling. That's the type of conversations you need to have with her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Within the past 3 weeks I have exposed the affair to our friends, my sister and she just exposed herself to one of her brothers (not the one she plans to stay with). Our friends have rallied behind me. She is very hurt by it. Even her 2 best friends are checking on me and not her. She is definitely embarrased and sad...always saying "I can't believe what I have done to us". My usual response is "you got yourself into it, only you can get yourself out".
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
So we have been officially separated since Saturday night when I put her and her bags into her brother's car and I drove back home. She said she is having NC with the OP or with me so she can get her sh*t together. The very first day the OP txt her. I got a txt from my W stating "FYI I just got a txt to see if I got here safe and I replied Yes... No Contact". I checked the cell records. She didn't lie... she did receive the txt and let me know immediately. I didn't bother responding. I am intent on NC. She thinks we should have it for emergencies... but we don't have children... I will make sure I have no "emergencies". I told her I would see/hear from her May 1st she thought that was way too long and that she wouldn't need that much time. I told her that I thought she needed AT LEAST that much time. She said she was going to focus on her job, herself and finding the strength to clean up her mess. I told her I was going to operate under the assumption that she was never coming home. She didn't like that. She said in her heart she knows she is. I asked her if her AP was under the impression she was going away to find the strentgh to end our marriage and go to her. Weirdly enough she was honest and said "yes". That she had said things "falsely" to the AP and had been lying to her just as much or more than she had been lying to me lately. So here I am... honestly miserable. I really miss her. I'm scared too. Scared that she won't come home and even more scared that she will and I will offer R and then she will relapse. I'm wondering what my true capacity for trust will be if I ever get what I want and she comes home. So NC it is. And man is this hard. I opened a new gmail account so whenever I get the urge to talk to her, yell at her, or tell her I love her... i just email this account I set up that she doesn't know about so I can get it out of my system. Maybe if she ever comes home, she can read them. I think I am just starting to realize how CD I am. Lots of work to do on myself but it's day 3 of NC and I'm an obsessive mess. Has anyone got any stories on how a NC separation worked on their cake eating, fence sitter?
 

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Why are you going No Contact with your wife?

No Contact is usually reserved for your WS and the AP, when the WS has agreed to end the affair.

I'm confused. What are you trying to accomplish by separating and going No Contact?

Honestly, I think you just gave your WW a license to continue her affair. She will lie about it, of course. She lies to you and her AP. Why would she stop?

If you want to save your marriage, then the first step is to kill the affair. Then your WS and AP go No Contact.

Second step is expecting total transparency from WS. No passwords, no secret accounts, etc. You trust, but verify that No Contact is being maintained (you can't do this if you are separated).

Third step is MC/IC to work on your relationship.

If you are attempting a 180, then that is for you to detach from WS. It's not to win the WS back. It's a way of preparing yourself for life without her.
 

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I'm confused. What are you trying to accomplish by separating and going No Contact?
Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.
I think her WW started the no contact thing (with both Still Standing AND her AP) while she 'clears her head' but SS is doing her own NC because she is starting her 180.

SS doesn't want to be the one to end the marriage because she values it so much and she really is willing to do anything to save it. She wants her cake eating WW to be forced with having to chose between staying and fighting for their marriage or leaving the marriage because she's the one who doesn't want it.

If you want to save your marriage, then the first step is to kill the affair. Then your WS and AP go No Contact.
WW had agreed to end it but lied. Still Standing exposed the affair. It still hasn't ended. The WW has lied about NC with AP before.

Second step is expecting total transparency from WS. No passwords, no secret accounts, etc. You trust, but verify that No Contact is being maintained (you can't do this if you are separated).
This has already been tried and tried again by SS but her WS keeps lying, hiding things and deleting texts and is basically being 2 faced.

Third step is MC/IC to work on your relationship..
Both go to IC, WW medicated for depression, but weren't approved for MC because the counselor him/herself said it wouldn't work since the WW was 'still actively in her affair'.

If you are attempting a 180, then that is for you to detach from WS. It's not to win the WS back. It's a way of preparing yourself for life without her.
You know how it is, a lot of BSs usually start the 180 with a hope (not necessarily the main or only one but a lingering one hard to let go of nonetheless) that the WS will return.
 

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Dear Still Standing,

Personally I think if you're very firm with your 180 you might get your wife back... but you do have to be firm so she really understands and she EARNS you back. But as you said... will it last? Will she relapse? And although you love her, is she worth it? Please be firm with your 180. Most of all, for yourself. With or without her, you want to better yourself for you. Like ThreeStrikes said, 180s main purpose is to prepare for your life without her so don't get your hopes up. :(

I told her I was going to operate under the assumption that she was never coming home. She didn't like that. She said in her heart she knows she is.
It almost sounds like she's very conscience that she's cake eating. She's practically saying "this game will end, we just have to play it through." Which is why it is very important that if you do decide to give her another chance you have to make sure she earns it and constantly works towards earning more and more of your trust.
You have been a good wife. A GREAT wife! But you know what they say - too much of a good thing is a bad thing. You've given her more than she deserved and she's taken it for granted.

I asked her if her AP was under the impression she was going away to find the strength to end our marriage and go to her. Weirdly enough she was honest and said "yes". That she had said things "falsely" to the AP and had been lying to her just as much or more than she had been lying to me lately.
Ugh. Your WW is quite the attention seeker, isn't she? <_<

So here I am... honestly miserable. I really miss her. I'm scared too. Scared that she won't come home and even more scared that she will and I will offer R and then she will relapse. I'm wondering what my true capacity for trust will be if I ever get what I want and she comes home. So NC it is. And man is this hard. I opened a new gmail account so whenever I get the urge to talk to her, yell at her, or tell her I love her... i just email this account I set up that she doesn't know about so I can get it out of my system.
So sorry you are going through this. :( I really hope you don't get your hopes up and you take advantage of your 180 for what it is - to improve yourself. But personally, I am rooting for you. :) I hope she learns from her mistakes and becomes the wife you deserve. But if that doesn't happen, you'll be a better person anyway and you'll end up with a great deserving FW (future wife). So win/win.

Nice idea with the G-mail account. And yes, it'll be very hard Stay strong. And when you need support please do come to us. 'Tis what we are here for.

Best of luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I want NC because I'm tired. I just can't do this rollercoaster anymore. She needs to make a decision. I told her that I love her and want our marriage to work. That I do not want her to come home to "try" to make our marriage work. That if she returns it can only be because she "will" make it work. 180 or not, I am ready for a resolution. To learn to live with what she has done or to begin to live without her. NC/180 hope is always there isn't it? I wouldn't be researching, posting, etc. if I didn't still have hope. I did expose the affair to try to kill it. Before she left she changed all of her FB, email, account passwords (the OP had them because my wife had logged in on her ipad) My wife gave me the passwords in an effort to be transparent and let me check up on her while she is away. I look incessantly. I really want to stop doing that though. They haven't had contact to date. If she does... she does. I can't control it. I went NC for me and for her. THIS is what life is like without me in it. I told her as long as the OW is in her life, I am no longer an option. So we'll see what she does with that. It all still sux though. Here I am still in love. Being forced to make decisions I never wanted to make.
 

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Do not wait at home letting the wound faster.

In the weeks and months ahead push yourself to get out a nd engage with people. Push past your comfort zone.

Plant a garden, run, walk. Join clubs, take classes. Be active.
 
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