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What do you mean by withholding affection? Do you mean no sex?

You cannot change her. You can change how you interact with her and yourself.

Since she will not go to counseling go yourself. You can champion a lot of changes in your marriage by you changing.

From what you have written we really have on way of knowing if you are expecting excessive support and affection. It's interesting you say that she is not affectionate and yet when you withhold affection she complains. This does not make sense.

You will need to give some examples.
 

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Do you live in the USA? If so you can stop her from taking your children out of country.

As long as you allow her to set all limits in your life you are a willing participant in what is going on. No can help you if you find a reason why every bit of advice you are given cannot be achieved.

Go to counseling. You have two choices, do not tell her and work it in around your work shedule. Or do tell her and do go. If she gets upset tell her that she will simply have to deal with it.
 
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