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I've been reading about "the fog" that occurs when people are in an affair. I'm wondering if you experts here know whether the fog fades immediately when the WS and OM/OW are out of each others reach/sight. How long before the fog fades?
 
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I've been reading about "the fog" that occurs when people are in an affair. I'm wondering if you experts here know whether the fog fades immediately when the WS and OM/OW are out of each others reach/sight. How long before the fog fades?
Based on what I read, it varies.

IMO, the fog is nothing more than the initial infatuations in any normal dating relationship and that is why married people don't date others.

It can take up to a year for the fog to fade just like any dating infatuation.

Based on my reading it takes long if the affair is discovered and the two are forced to end it abruptly.

If the affair is coming to a natural conclusion the fog usually ends much more quickly.

Also, it depends on what type of affair it was.....exit affair, EA, PA, Both.

The EA/PA takes longer for fog to fade. With this type the affair partners can pine over each other for a long time. This is very hurtful to the betrayed spouse, sadly.

With the exit affair the fog usually only fades after the cheater leaves the spouse.
 

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I can only speak from personal experience, but this is how it was in my case. After DDay1, OM and I were still in contact with each other through our group of friends. We saw each other on weekends as a group, were posting in the same FB forum, etc. And the fog was still there.

DDay2 was the last day I ever had contact with OM. I honestly felt the fog was gone by the next day. That first night, I remember having a thought that I had lost both my husband and the OM, but by the 2nd day, I did not care at all about losing OM. I think this can partly be attributed to the enormous wake-up call that I had just f'ed up my whole life and might lose my husband, children, and job, the fact that OM put all the blame for the A on me -which helped me recognize the type of person he actually was, and that I immediately began reading books about affairs that explained how the feelings a person thinks they have during an affair are not real or sustainable, which struck me and made me realize what an idiot I was.

We are almost 4 months past DDay2, and I have had no pining or times of missing the OM. Every time my mind goes to him, the thoughts are so filled with shame, pain, and self-loathing, that I try to get him out of my mind as quickly as possible.

I am sure everyone is different though. But that was my experience.
 

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I am one who advocates exposure for the main reason that it ends the fog in many cases, not all, but many. It worked for me. Staying in the fog varies as was said above. But exposure in my case ended the fantasy and ended the affair.
 

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Yeah well.....it was a nice little John Carpenter flick.
 
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In my situation I discovered the A and confronted my WW immediately. I didn't know about the 180 but I was in the process of doing it, with the exception that i was not emotionally detached yet. In my mind marriage is the trust and commitment. She had violated both so we were already no longer married by her choice alone. As a result I was in the process of gathering evidence for court and kicking her out at the same time. When she saw my reaction "the fog" was gone. There were some traces of it for a few days after, but it was basically gone.
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Bobka, I've been following and commenting on your situation in your other threads. I think, knowing the context of your question, there is a surefire way to lift the fog: exposure, removal of her crap, and divorce papers.

Now, I know in your other threads, you have described excuses why this cannot be. If I remember correctly, money is tight and one of you will be homeless if forced to leave. BULL. ABSOLUTE BULL. Isn't she ALREADY STAYING somewhere? Well, she made her choice, so happily allow her to stay there permanently. Can;t you see that she has MADE THIS DECISION and is quite happy with it?
While I do view those as excuses you cling to to avoid action (sorry, no offense), I see only 1 way to get your wife out of the fog. It's a combination of three actions:

1. Remove her crap from the house. You are playing storage manager to her shid while she's out banging other dudes. Not cool at all.
Yes, you said you have no lawn and can't pay a trash collector to come. I call shenanigans and BS on that. It costs nothing to put an ad in the local pennysaver/craigslist/flyers etc. to advertise free crap for anyone willing to haul it away. It would cost you very little to hire some local neighborhood teens to help you remove it. And it takes just the barest minimum of effort to BEGIN throwing stuff away (or even better...donating it to the salvation army, women's shelter, homeless shelter, etc. You can write it all off as a taxable donation at the end of the year to boot!), even if that's one trash bin at a time.
You need to send a clear message that you are moving on, with or without her, and while she chooses to bang other dudes, you are moving on without her. Tossing her crap out of your house is a strong message that can shock people....out of the fog. "Wow, he's removing all of my things.....holy [email protected], is he serious this time???"

2. Expose. Expose. Expose. Expose. Expose......then Expose.
****roaches thrive in dark places. When the lights turn on, they scatter. Cheaters are the same way: you are willingly keeping the lights off and allowing the ****roaches to mate like rabbits. TURN ON THE LIGHTS!!!!! Tell your kids. Tell your friends. Tell her friends. Tell the OM's friends. Tell the OM's work. TELL EVERYONE IN THE WORLD. When people begin eyeballing her with disgust (and they will), when other women eyeball her with anger (and they will), when her kids look at her with pity and sadness (and they will), when the OM's employer has to deal with this kind of drama (which people HATE dealing with), when the OM has to live with the embarrassment of being exposed (Time to throw the other woman under the bus, this is NOT worth it)....it's kinda hard to keep the magic going with Mr. Right. When everyone around you, everyone who knows you, everyone who cares for you looks upon you with shame....you start to realize that what you are doing is, perhaps, actually SHAMEFUL. That helps bring people out of the fog. For some inexplicable reason, you have chosen not to expose for whatever excuse you can suddenly come up with. Honestly, there is NO GOOD REASON not to tell everyone. None at all.

3. File for divorce. TODAY!
No excuses from you sir: file for divorce and request EVERYTHING. Include EVERY DETAIL in the filing (even if your state doesn't care about the details....get it on record and on paper) You don't have to actually follow through if you decide not to......but I'll tell you what, threatening to do something is one thing....ACTUALLY DOING IT IS ANOTHER. Filing is not actually divorcing, but it's a step in that direction and can have an incredibly shocking effect on the spouse. "Holy crud, he actually filed. Maybe....JUST MAYBE.....he is actually serious???" That kind of shock can certainly bring people out of the fog.

I am afraid that until you stop coming up wtih excuses on why you should protect your cheating wife, she will remain in the fog (as will you).


EDIT: I want to quote Ovid here
As a result I was in the process of gathering evidence for court and kicking her out at the same time. When she saw my reaction "the fog" was gone.
Are you beginning to see a pattern Bobka? Those who take swift and decisive action (ie: manning up) get results, ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. People who do nothing except wag a finger....get the results you have been getting.
I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying this because it's true.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
KirkSpock, you've kind of hijacked my thread. I was looking for answers on "the fog," and what I've got here is a diatribe about what I should do about my situation. What's your experience with "the fog"?
 

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If the affair is emotional it's not immediate. I don't care what the cheater says. Emotional ties do not evaporate. Look at the betrayed spouses who despite massive, horrendous, God awful acts by their cheating spouses still love them.

It takes time.

How long depends on a million variables. How deep was the connection, how explosive was D day, how aggressively is the betrayed spouse attacking the affair, how remorseful is the cheater, how badly to both spouses want to reconcile. IMO there is really no way to quantify how long it does or should take.
 

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Sigma nailed this one.

Bobka--it all depends on many variables. I think, like someone said above, that exposure of the affair can definitely throw a grenade on any affair, which is why it's important to expose.

I think how the betrayed reacts to the affair (whether they go Doormat mode vs. "I will not tolerate this bullsh!t" and backs it up with actions) also has a lot to do with it. And lastly, the willingness of the cheater to end the affair. A cheater who wants to end it, WILL. It's a CHOICE.



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Sara, I would love to hear more about the fog when the affair is Ea and when interrupted abruptly, can you expand on that?
When the affair is interrupted that means it has not come to it's natural conclusion and thus the cheater still only remembers the honeymoon phase of the relationship.

It takes about two years for the honeymoon glow of all new love relationships to fade. During the honeymoon glow, the affair partner can do no wrong and the cheaters spouse can do nothing right.

Therefore, in some cases if the affair is interrupted rather than ended by the cheater or cheaters.

The loyal spouse may see their cheating spouse pining for the interrupted love object.

If that happens it can take much longer to come out of the fog.

Also, seeing the cheater pine for the lover is very painful to the loyal spouse.
 

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Do you think that same two year time line applies to online EA as well, like they never met in person. Only texts, never Skype etc.
Yes. it takes longer to get over an EA fog that is disrupted do to being caught.

The amount of time however varies.

Some people get over a broken love affair in six months some take two years.

The two year time line is an average time span.
 

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daggeredheart - just for reference my EA was 7 weeks, online, phone calls, and text. No skype and certainly no face to face contact. Dday was August 2010, you can see that I joined TAM in May 2011 looking for help getting the OW to leave my head. So that's 9/10 months right there. And I wanted with every ounce of my being for her to be gone. Unfortunately, no matter how much the cheater and the BS may want the AP to vacate the thoughts of the cheater - it just takes a while. I'm afraid it's way more normal than it's not.
 
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