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Hey there, This forum and the threads have given me such a great insight into myself and my husband and everything that has gone on. I have one question... Any ideas on how to get someone out of "The Fog"? I think my situation is exascerbated by the fact that I had a PA after several of his EA's. I think the current EA or EA's are being justified by my PA 2.5 years ago. His wounds are once again raw and then there is "The Fog". As I said in previous posts I was so fed up a few weeks ago that I agreed that divorce was the best option. In hindsight I could not feel more different. Any guidelines would help!
 

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Check up on the 180. The "fog" will not end until the affair(s) are busted and discontinued. And even then it can take months. Have you guys done marriage counciling? Also your marriage might not be able to be salvaged. It sounds like alot of cheating has been done on both sides.
 

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I'm trying to get out of the fog, myself. I had a 3 year EA and a 5 week PA with the same guy. My husband knew of everything as it was happening, so there was no sneaking around involved. Read my other thread if you need an explanation of that.

A friend of mine said, "If you cut off an affair, you have to replace it with something." I'm very confused because I'm going through the agony of cutting an emotional addiction from myself, but at the same time, straining to see my husband. I mean... I'm doing this for my husband, and the fog makes it so hard to see what actually lies in my marriage.

What if I come out the other side of this and find that I really DON'T belong with my husband? But getting out of the fog is the only way to really see it with clarity, so maybe I'm doing it for me.

Also, all the romanticism is very hard to escape. Even with all my intellect and rationality, it is very hard to convince myself that OM isn't somehow a "soulmate" or "meant to be with me". It is a very gripping addiction that requires constant little slaps in the face.

What has helped more than anything is having "thoughts" to keep me motivated. In the moment that I decided to cut off the EA (Cutting off the physical part was easy), I had reasons. I had problems that came to a head. I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and said, "I can't live like this. This doesn't work." Over the last week, I've had to dig those thoughts back up. I have to keep reminding myself WHY I cut things off. They must be selfish reasons in order to truly loosen the grip of the fog.

My reasons:

I could not live in limbo anymore.

I realized that I would never be satisfied with what OM gave me. I just wanted more and more. I would be in pain everytime I didn't get my "fix". I was so tired of the cycle of high/low/high/low.

If OM and I are truly meant to be together, then he will still be around after I have let go of my emotional addiction to him. At that point, I will either happily stay with my husband, or leave in an emotionally healthy manner. If OM is NOT still around, then staying in the fog at this point isn't worth it, anyway.

Even if all the fairytales I have made up in my mind about OM are true, I have realized that I am emotionally addicted. I NEED him to pay attention to me and validate me like a drug addict needs another hit. Even if OM and I were both single, that is not healthy. That is not love. I don't NEEEEEED anybody to make my life feel worth while.

If I ultimately get divorced, OM is not the last man in the world. I have lost "the last man on earth" several times in my life and there always seems to eventually be one more "last man on earth".


I hope any of that is helpful. This is a very dark road to travel.
 

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Trash me if you want but IMO "the fog" is BS. No fog, just selfishness. I think a better term for it is " Head up a unicorn's a$$"
 

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Trash me if you want but IMO "the fog" is BS. No fog, just selfishness. I think a better term for it is " Head up a unicorn's a$$"
It's easy to think this if you have never experienced it. I used to be an extremely judgmental person. I'm actually glad that I have experienced some hard things in my life because they have humbled me.

People don't destroy their lives because they simply have their head up a unicorn's a$$. It's not that simple, and it would be great if you could stretch yourself enough to try to understand the psychological traps that people get themselves in. Or rather, if you could try to understand without having to actually experience it first.

I wasn't able to empathize with people when I was younger. My first husband was a drug addict. I had NO sympathy for his addiction. "Just quit! Duh! If you cared about your family, you would just stop! You stupid jerk!" I definitely thought that he simply had his head up his a$$.

Now I realize that, yes, he WAS a terrible person in many ways, but he was also battling demons that I couldn't see. I wouldn't even try to understand what he was going through. That drove us much further apart. I wouldn't acknowledge his pain, because I didn't think he had a right to feel any pain.

Now I look back and understand more of why he made the choices he made. It doesn't justify any of it, but it explains how he could let himself do the things he did. I even understand why he left me and our son on our own.

EAs are very similar to addictions. May you never have to realize this first hand. Trust me. It's true.
 

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Trash me if you want but IMO "the fog" is BS. No fog, just selfishness. I think a better term for it is " Head up a unicorn's a$$"
I agree totally.

The fog is nothing more than falling in love with a new person. A new dating relationship is alway intoxicating in its unreality. All you see is the best foot foreward of each other while dating. So sad people who cheat don't realize this.

That is why a married person is not suppose to date other people.

You date, you have sex, you start becoming attached or addicted to the adrenaline high of the NEW ROMANCE.

It's all the early stages of falling in love.

If it was a real dating relationship rather than the adrenaline high from cheating and sneaking around and anticipating the forbidden love so badly, a normal date might eventually be exposed for the person they are and the relationship would likely end.

In an affair, though, the real person is never exposed because the two only see each other once in awhile away from bills and the routine of any long term marriage.

Affairs are planned, they just don't happen. They involve a lot of work to keep secret. A person who has an affair wants one. They chose it.
 

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EAs are very similar to addictions. May you never have to realize this first hand. Trust me. It's true.
My cheating spouse like to use the phrase "trust me" all the time.

Alas, he wasn't trustworthy.

Also, he blamed the high of the addictive romance too.

That is why he is STBEH. He never owned the fact that cheating was his choice.

I will never experience the addiction of cheating because while married, I had opportunities to cheat and chose not to. It's a choice.
 

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Trash me if you want but IMO "the fog" is BS. No fog, just selfishness. I think a better term for it is " Head up a unicorn's a$$"
Beat me to it. There's no fog, just own your sh!t.

The whole theory of the fog puts the BS in an untenable position whereby they should forgive the WS because it wasn't the "real" them during the affair. Give me a break :rolleyes:
 

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The whole theory of the fog puts the BS in an untenable position whereby they should forgive the WS because it wasn't the "real" them during the affair. Give me a break :rolleyes:
Agreed. I really think expecting the loyal spouse to understand the affair as an uncontrollable psychological fog only serves to already re-traumatize and already traumatized loyal spouse.
 

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My cheating spouse like to use the phrase "trust me" all the time.

Alas, he wasn't trustworthy.

Also, he blamed the high of the addictive romance too.

That is why he is STBEH. He never owned the fact that cheating was his choice.

I will never experience the addiction of cheating because while married, I had opportunities to cheat and chose not to. It's a choice.
I'm not saying that we're not responsible for our choices. Of course a cheater knows they're cheating when they're cheating, and they still choose to cheat, and that's wrong.

I, too, had opportunities to cheat on my first husband. I never even thought twice about it. I would have never considered crossing that line. Same goes for the first four years I was with my current husband.

I no longer congratulate myself for resisting temptations that I never really wanted to indulge in in the first place.
 

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I'm not saying that we're not responsible for our choices. Of course a cheater knows they're cheating when they're cheating, and they still choose to cheat, and that's wrong.

I, too, had opportunities to cheat on my first husband. I never even thought twice about it. I would have never considered crossing that line. Same goes for the first four years I was with my current husband.

I no longer congratulate myself for resisting temptations that I never really wanted to indulge in in the first place.
It sounds, as if you are still claiming that this affair somehow came out of the blue.

No forethought no planning.

IMO, affairs don't just happen. People start thinking about having an affair long before it happens but MAY be in denial about this.

The idea of an affair, is too Jerry Springer for me. I don't like intrigue and sneaking around.

I am not congratulating myself for not having an affair. I am saying that they just seem too sleazy for my taste.

Also, I never could lie very well, I always get red in the face.

Also, after learning of my husband's affair, opportunities for an affair with his single best friend arose. In fact, he was somewhat relentless.

Apparently, according to mutual friends, he has always liked me, and thought my husband did not deserve me. Maybe he even knew my STBEH was cheating or at least suspected.

Still, I resisted the revenge affair with this extremely attractive, wealthy single man, And, too my mind a revenge affair is the only type of forgivable affair.

It's done out of hurt and pain and a desire to show the cheating spouse the damage an affair can cause to trust and well being.
 

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It sounds, as if you are still claiming that this affair somehow came out of the blue.

No forethought no planning.

IMO, affairs don't just happen. People start thinking about having an affair long before it happens but MAY be in denial about this.

The idea of an affair, is too Jerry Springer for me. I don't like intrigue and sneaking around.

I am not congratulating myself for not having an affair. I am saying that they just seem too sleazy for my taste.

Also, I never could lie very well, I always get red in the face.

Also, after learning of my husband's affair, opportunities for an affair with his single best friend arose. In fact, he was somewhat relentless.

Apparently, according to mutual friends, he has always liked me, and thought my husband did not deserve me. Maybe he even knew my STBEH was cheating or at least suspected.

Still, I resisted the revenge affair with this extremely attractive, wealthy single man, And, too my mind a revenge affair is the only type of forgivable affair.

It's done out of hurt and pain and a desire to show the cheating spouse the damage an affair can cause to trust and well being.
I hear you. My affair was kind of weird because my husband encouraged it. It's a really weird story, and I posted it in another thread. So I was never sneaking around or lying about anything.

Then my feelings got out of hand. My husband got really uncomfortable with the emotional attachment I was forming, and so he cut things off.

Then I realized that I was emotionally attached, and lost in the "fog".

Because my husband originally encouraged me to have an affair, I can blame him for my actions, BUT... I will never truly know if I would have fallen in love with OM anyway. That's the part I try to be fair with.

And NOW, I may have a good excuse as to why I let myself stray, but it doesn't change the fact that the end result is the same. I now understand what it's like to be emotionally torn apart with something that is so wrong, hurtful and dangerous.

I also see that certain circumstances could catch the most well-intentioned person off guard if presented just right. I never never in a million years would have ever pictured myself having any kind of affair. I've always had an enormous amount of disdain for adulterers. Maybe it's karma.
 

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I used to believe in the fog,not so much any more.
My wife though she was in love,she wasnt.
He pesented hmself falsely and she ate it up.Nothing I did was working til I turned my back on her.
She loved the cheap compliments and what a great guy he was,until I busted the A apart.then her "soulmate" said all kinds of dregrading things about her til he finally when back to living out of his work truck again,boy did he have her fooled.
She knew what she was doing was wrong to me,to the kids and wrong to herself.
The fog is an excuse for the ws to latch onto and say it wasnt really their fault.Its also a excuse to the bs,it wasnt her fault,she was in the fog,she's a victim.
Nope,not talking about crack,coke,heroin or any other drug,this was a person they gave their love to,it was a choice.One that they had plenty of time to think over.
WW says she was selfish,stupid,mean,cruel and an idiot for what she did.I'd rather hear that than being in the fog.
Were you sleepwalking when you did this crap?
Fog? Nope.
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I hear you. My affair was kind of weird because my husband encouraged it. It's a really weird story, and I posted it in another thread. So I was never sneaking around or lying about anything.
That change's things greatly.

I don't consider this an affair more like a swinger/open marriage situation.

Open marriages and swinging often end badly and in this case, since your husband encouraged it, to my mind he deserved what you did.

So my apologies for not understanding the big picture.

I am sorry your husband encouraged you to do soemthing that could hurt your marriage.
 

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I used to believe in the fog,not so much any more.
My wife though she was in love,she wasnt.
He pesented hmself falsely and she ate it up.Nothing I did was working til I turned my back on her.
She loved the cheap compliments and what a great guy he was,until I busted the A apart.then her "soulmate" said all kinds of dregrading things about her til he finally when back to living out of his work truck again,boy did he have her fooled.
She knew what she was doing was wrong to me,to the kids and wrong to herself.
The fog is an excuse for the ws to latch onto and say it wasnt really their fault.Its also a excuse to the bs,it wasnt her fault,she was in the fog,she's a victim.
Nope,not talking about crack,coke,heroin or any other drug,this was a person they gave their love to,it was a choice.One that they had plenty of time to think over.
WW says she was selfish,stupid,mean,cruel and an idiot for what she did.I'd rather hear that than being in the fog.
Were you sleepwalking when you did this crap?
Fog? Nope.
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Very true there Calvin.
 

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That change's things greatly.

I don't consider this an affair more like a swinger/open marriage situation.

Open marriages and swinging often end badly and in this case, since your husband encouraged it, to my mind he deserved what you did.

So my apologies for not understanding the big picture.

I am sorry your husband encouraged you to do soemthing that could hurt your marriage.
Thank you, but I know that to get through this, I have to own my part. I shouldn't have given in to what he wanted me to do.

I actually have a bunch of friends that are full-blown swingers. They are a really likeable bunch, but I can't fathom how in the world they keep their relationships intact. Most of them have managed to keep (seemingly) stable, permanent, happy primary relationships for years. The portion that have gotten divorced is not anymore proportionate than monogamous couples I know. It blows my mind. Yes... I know A LOT of swingers.

And, although I have a better excuse than the average cheater, I still find myself unwittingly in their shoes. I'd like to think that I never would have cheated if my husband hadn't encouraged it, but now I see my weaknesses, and I honestly can't say anymore that I'm exempt from cheating. Now I wonder how the average cheater "lets it in". Once you crack that door open just a little, the wind just blows it wide open into your face.

I CAN say that I am even more against cheating than I was before. I never want to go through this again, but we're all human, and we can never foresee how clever the devil on our shoulder can be. When evil doesn't FEEL evil... you've got a big problem.

Oh... Just for the record... DON'T swing! It might work out, but you're just putting everything you have out on the roulette table. Why take the chance?
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I'm trying to get out of the fog, myself. I had a 3 year EA and a 5 week PA with the same guy. My husband knew of everything as it was happening, so there was no sneaking around involved. Read my other thread if you need an explanation of that.

A friend of mine said, "If you cut off an affair, you have to replace it with something." I'm very confused because I'm going through the agony of cutting an emotional addiction from myself, but at the same time, straining to see my husband. I mean... I'm doing this for my husband, and the fog makes it so hard to see what actually lies in my marriage.

What if I come out the other side of this and find that I really DON'T belong with my husband? But getting out of the fog is the only way to really see it with clarity, so maybe I'm doing it for me.

Also, all the romanticism is very hard to escape. Even with all my intellect and rationality, it is very hard to convince myself that OM isn't somehow a "soulmate" or "meant to be with me". It is a very gripping addiction that requires constant little slaps in the face.

What has helped more than anything is having "thoughts" to keep me motivated. In the moment that I decided to cut off the EA (Cutting off the physical part was easy), I had reasons. I had problems that came to a head. I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and said, "I can't live like this. This doesn't work." Over the last week, I've had to dig those thoughts back up. I have to keep reminding myself WHY I cut things off. They must be selfish reasons in order to truly loosen the grip of the fog.

My reasons:

I could not live in limbo anymore.

I realized that I would never be satisfied with what OM gave me. I just wanted more and more. I would be in pain everytime I didn't get my "fix". I was so tired of the cycle of high/low/high/low.

If OM and I are truly meant to be together, then he will still be around after I have let go of my emotional addiction to him. At that point, I will either happily stay with my husband, or leave in an emotionally healthy manner. If OM is NOT still around, then staying in the fog at this point isn't worth it, anyway.

Even if all the fairytales I have made up in my mind about OM are true, I have realized that I am emotionally addicted. I NEED him to pay attention to me and validate me like a drug addict needs another hit. Even if OM and I were both single, that is not healthy. That is not love. I don't NEEEEEED anybody to make my life feel worth while.

If I ultimately get divorced, OM is not the last man in the world. I have lost "the last man on earth" several times in my life and there always seems to eventually be one more "last man on earth".


I hope any of that is helpful. This is a very dark road to travel.
Thank you so much for sharing. I understand a lot of what you are feeling having experienced it myself. What you need to remember is that those feelings of him being around if you get divorced are still part of the fog! I only realised the gravity of the situation when I completely mentally cut him off. In fact he contacted me a few months ago. I simply did not respond or discuss it.

With regard to my husband he is always of the mindset that it's not serious, doesn't mean anything, only friendship. There are two huge BUTS. 1) He starts to treat me so badly that I notice immediately and 2) The humiliation of all this is what led me to have an affair in the first place. Right now he cannot seem to even follow logic or see any consequences. He actually seems to blame me for the fact the he and the "friend" both lied to their spouses. He said several times that if I never spoke to her husband this wouldn't have happened. They were both already lying and she was not the only one. A blast from the past has also reared her ugly head :p

*sigh*
 

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Thank you, but I know that to get through this, I have to own my part. I shouldn't have given in to what he wanted me to do.

I actually have a bunch of friends that are full-blown swingers. They are a really likeable bunch, but I can't fathom how in the world they keep their relationships intact. Most of them have managed to keep (seemingly) stable, permanent, happy primary relationships for years. The portion that have gotten divorced is not anymore proportionate than monogamous couples I know. It blows my mind. Yes... I know A LOT of swingers.

And, although I have a better excuse than the average cheater, I still find myself unwittingly in their shoes. I'd like to think that I never would have cheated if my husband hadn't encouraged it, but now I see my weaknesses, and I honestly can't say anymore that I'm exempt from cheating. Now I wonder how the average cheater "lets it in". Once you crack that door open just a little, the wind just blows it wide open into your face.

I CAN say that I am even more against cheating than I was before. I never want to go through this again, but we're all human, and we can never foresee how clever the devil on our shoulder can be. When evil doesn't FEEL evil... you've got a big problem.

Oh... Just for the record... DON'T swing! It might work out, but you're just putting everything you have out on the roulette table. Why take the chance?
Ahh... The whispers of the Devil.
 
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