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Discussion Starter #1
Hello everyone. I new to the board in the sense that this is my first post. I am old to the board in the sense that I have been reading it all the time since my wife left 4 months ago. You guys have taught me a lot. THANK YOU!

I haven't posted before because I didn't feel that I had enough experience with separation to be able to help anyone else. I think I am now at a place where I can give some insight. I look forward to contributing...

Now, to my situation. I really need some advice here: My wife left me about 4 months ago. We really only fought over 2 issues before she left: I said she spent too much time with her mother, she said I drank too much. She kept spending time with her mother (mother is often depressed and puts massive amounts of pressure on my wife during those periods). I would say my wife spent around 4 nights a week sometimes at her mom's house (which is nearby). Not sleeping there, but getting home around 9-10. I would become angry/bored and drink. Cycle repeated for about 6 months, then she left. Being honest I would say that I would take about 60% of the blame. I shouldn't have been drinking like I was. I would give her only 40% because she honestly tried to make the time we did spend together special. I really do fault her though for not listening to me about why I was so upset.

Well, I've done the 180, loved it. Work out now. Drink very little. Been spending time with friends, etc. Feeling awesome.

Hadn't spoken with wife in about 2 months. Sweetest day arrives. She shows up at the house. Wants to go to dinner. I went. We had a blast. A few days later: My Birthday. She texts to take me out. She brings presents, balloons, we go out to eat. Had a blast. She grabs my hand on the way to the restaurant. Flirting. Brings up about 10 different things she wants to do: movies to see, places to visit, etc. I told her I was getting counseling for my drinking. She told me she was getting counseling to help her better communicate with her mom (which ironically is the person she is living with, but I think that's mostly a financial thing). She said she thought she might still want to get divorced, then about 15 minutes later she was talking about dating me over the Winter and then....who knows.

Then the day after my birthday I text to say thanks for dinner. She texts back "You're welcome." I brought up getting together to do one of the things she mentioned at dinner, she said she was busy at the moment. And that's the last I heard from here. 5 days of silence.

Now, I feel like **** again. Almost like when she first left. I enjoyed how I felt before Sweetest Day. I don't like how I feel now, but I don't want to do/say anything drastic. Is she messing with me? Confused? Just trying to let me down nicely? Man, marriage/separation is a GRIND!
 

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She's trying to keep you "hooked" so you can be her plan B should she need to resort to it. What she is doing is only going to hurt you more in the long run and it's time to let her know that before you can date, go out etc. again that you two need to sit down and talk (don't get upset or angry at anything she says) about what her plans are and if she is truly serious on working things out between you two.

From her actions so far, I'd say she's not serious about saving your marriage and wants you as a backup plan thus taking you out, getting you presents and keeping you hooked. Start no contact with her unless it's absolutely needed. Don't be cold to her and when you do talk to her keep it polite and "business like". Don't bring up anything related to your marriage or separation.

You said you're doing the 180, well keep at it! Keep doing things that make YOU happy as a person. I might have missed it in the post but are you seeing a counselor? If not try to find one.
 
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Discussion Starter #3
let me clarify: i did the no contact which is what i think got the sweetest day response. i agree though i think i should do no contact again. or do you push the issue now? i am seeing a counselor.
 

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First i would say, talk to your counselor about it. They are more qualified (and trained!) to give good advice.

That said I agree with CoolJay. I think she is keeping you around. Remember it is hard on them too. Even if they want the breakup, they will have weak (or sane) days where the grass doesnt look quite so green now that they've hopped to that side.

I dont think anyone should be ok with being someone's plan B. Maybe that isnt what she is doing... I'm not there to see it. But it sure sounds familiar.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
im going back to no contact. however, does anyone have advice on how to know when you are being used as a plan b and when there is a legitimate chance to reconcile? She was almost over the top the last two times that i saw her. really, really friendly. like i said in the original post she did mention divorce but then later mentioned dating each other.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I should add that from the very beginning she has said she doesn't want anything from me in the divorce we entered the marriage with a similar assets and she said we can just walk away without having to split things up with benefits me since I own the home
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If she is legit about wanting to reconcile I believe she will take the time to sit down and talk things over with you. My MC told me that if me and my stbxw decide to reconcile am I just going to let her just come back in no questions asked, because there needs to be answers to things such as "Are you only coming back until you find something better? Are you just coming back because you have nowhere else to go?" but that is just the advice my MC gave me, talk to your counselor as they know your situation a lot better.

My MC also told me this which I agree with and this isn't an exact quote of what he told me but you get the idea: Either your (wife/husband) is on board or they are not, they can't be both and they have to choose because either your life goes on without them in it or they can come along with you. Either way your life is moving on.

So talk to your counselor, but I honestly believe before you let her back you and her need to sit down and discuss things (civil and not arguing) about if she is truly ready to come back to you. Don't rush things either. Let her know it's going to take awhile for you to let her back in your life and if she truly really does want to work things out, she will respect that decision and will work on making things work out.
 
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