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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The email I have been expecting has arrived tonight (copied below). I am dying inside and though I should have been prepared with what to say to this, I am now at a loss. How can he still profess to these feelings (crying, telling me I will always be in his heart?), yet he could not, would not lift a finger in these 9 months apart to give our marriage a chance, not even a single MC session after 7 years together?

I am heartbroken that he did not want to try harder to save the marriage, and could really use counsel as to how I should respond, if at all. There is and has not been anyone else, I am very certain. But it seems at this point undignified to resist in the least? Needless to say, I am disappointed to be having this discussion with him via email -- how cowardly. Could he not have the grace do this in person or at the very least on the phone after all we have meant to each other?

By way of reply? How about: "Thank you, M. I deeply regret all the pain and just want you to be happy, too. I will always love you as well."

Thank you for any words of wisdom on handling this God awful moment. It HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In Mourning, - A12

THE FINAL DAGGER:
"Saw from Facebook that you were out of town last week and wanted to drop you a note. Hope you went somewhere warm; the weather here was absolutely terrible. Windy, cold, rainy, flurries...the beach would have been ideal.
I was at C___ for lunch today and saw G___ [neighbor and close friend]. I was having lunch with Eric ___. I took him there a couple of weeks ago and it is one of his favorite lunch spots now.
Our Caps actually won a few games last week and looked good in the process. They returned to form last night; I'm afraid they are not going to do much this year. In this strike shortened season, this is the year to stink if you are going to. This year's draft is pretty deep so maybe they will get a highly rated prospect by finishing near the bottom.

Taking you to the Caps game a few weeks ago was not a good idea. I could tell that you were going through some emotional struggles and I'm sorry for inviting you out. You had mentioned it was like opening the wound again and I know you are tired of the roller coaster ride of emotions that our separation has caused. I have friends that got divorced and really hate their exes. As weird as that sounds, i think it must have been a lot easier for them. You will always be in my heart. I will always remember the good times. But I can't be married to you.
That said, I know that being in limbo is the worst part. I wake up every day and the thought of our dying marriage is the first thing that pops into my head. It's not fair to keep dragging you along without any resolution or clarity. So I will do what has to be done. I cry more than you will ever know. I am not angry at you; I want you to find someone that will make you happy and be the man that I no longer am.
m
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Better to just reply:

"Thank you. Goodbye."

????? I hate that he did not have the courage and strength and love to stand by the woman he married, and I do not know how I will be able to bear this...

God help me - A12
 

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A12,hi and I'm sorry.Is this 100% sure now,because if I remember correctly he reached this point last year,or is it just that the waiting period is up? At this point I think you just need to say whatever is in your heart that you want to say.You were in such a better place last year as far as acceptance.Find that strength again in your family and friends.I don't have to tell you how important it is to reach out to all the people who support you.Though not unexpected,I can understand your pain but in awhile you'll remember that in the end and with time "this to shall pass" as they say.My prayers and thoughts go out to you A12.Please take care of yourself.

TBT
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you for the kind replies! I will not say anything, because I have nothing to say -- it cannot do me any good to let him know how much I hurt or am sorry or any other form of groveling. I have to dig deep, and stop making this harder on myself, I know it. But tonight I am in such pain I cannot sleep. And it sucks because I have to be up early for a White House event which is my first chance to hear our President speak in person, in this instance on the hazards of sequestration (for anyone who follows current events). I will be the most tired and haggard lady in the audience :)
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A12 -

Hope you've fallen asleep finally and are getting at least a little rest before your event this morning.

Me personally, I would not be able to NOT reply to that e-mail. How the Caps may fare this year and inclement weather here in DC, and oh, yeah, BTW, I cry every day and can't be married to you. By email.

Where I grew up we have a term for someone like that - sackless pigeon.
 

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Don't reply. Nah he's an azz hat. Take care of your business today. He's not worthy of a stroke of your finger..you have better things to do.
Smile extra wide today...have a spring in your step grab an iced coffee and a scone from a hottie...own your day. Make it happy...then check back here and tell me about it ! Don't forget to use ur Scentsy hand lotion or fav bod spay....:smthumbup:
 

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Don't reply.
Is he having an A?
Sorry but this is cheaters talk. He's trying to ease his guilt by being nice to you.
Hope you are ok.
X
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks again, you guys. I did get about 4 hours sleep, which is better than nothing, and I do feel fortified by your kind replies -- I can't tell you how much it means to me :) I am not going to respond, and will go about my day as Stella advises. You are right -- he is not worth this agony, and I should be thanking him for showing me that indeed, he is not the man I married. That guy is long gone, replaced by a shallow, disloyal jerk I don't recognize. The person he became is dead to me -- it is as if he never existed.

I dread having to have to have a final set of dealings with him in the coming months re: taxes and the divorce, but at least now I know the end of this limbo hell is in sight so I will finally be able to put it behind me and move on with my life.

I loved him dearly and did my best. No regret in that -- I hope that now I will be better able to truly heal and start a new chapter.

Again, thank you all -- hope you have a great day!

Warmly, - A12
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Hi Bullwinkle,

Not a cop, just a federal affairs manager for a medical professional society. These public servants were at the event with the President to help make the point that the budget sequester is not a responsible approach to deficit reduction, and if Congress does not act it will soon affect American life in hundreds of painful ways:
http://nyti.ms/Xb3lvd

Got my mind off my marital situation, at least. But the cold rainy day made me want to jet back to the beach -- brutal!!!

Cheers, - A12
 

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Hey, A12, sounds like a great job and a worthy cause. Read the NYT article this morning with my sad bagel. But what a wondrous thig, you're in absolute misery over your dying marriage, and rightly so, but you go to the WH and meet the President. Gotta be some kinda Karma at work.

It really was a crappy day, I had lunch with an old Air Force bud out in Tyson's today, he and I agreed it was time to pack it in and buy a taco stand in South Beach.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. I know it's unspeakable.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
LOL, Conrad, it is true -- we are having a Groundhog Day moment, a repeat of 2011 budget discussions, with basically the same dynamics and cast of characters (in terms of the key deciders) at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue.

Bullwinkle, I love your taco shack idea -- or maybe a shrimp boat, LOL! It is true, this was a great day to have something to preoccupy me -- I am just glad I did not spontaneously combust or burst into tears while at the WH event :) While I am looking at positives, he also did me a favor by waiting until AFTER my vacation to drop the hammer, so I could enjoy my time at the beach.
 

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I don't know the whole story of your situation, but i get that you are hurting and your heart is broken in two. I may not be able to give you a solution because it sounds like he has his mind made up to end things. You said he has not tried to even visit a marriage c. In many cases and relationships couples grow apart and don't stay the same person you married, but they still have feelings of love because you have shared intimate parts of yourselves and treasured memories. He still loves you but says he can't be with you no more, why i don't know. Have you asked him this? Has he given you a straight answer? If he can't then he is hiding something from you. If he still loves you like he says then he will give a straight answer, and it might give you something to work off of and try to make sense of it all , and come to terms of whats happening. If he is not honest with you then he has replaced you with something or someone else. I don't know if that is the case but a strong possibility. If it turns out in the end the way it is, you need to value yourself as much as you felt you did in your marriage and realize that there is someone else who out there for you who will honor and cherish you. It is hard not to feel and hurt whats happening to you, but surrounding yourself with friends and family does help. Their may still be hope if he is honest with you . If it is meant to be things could still work out . If he still loves you and cares for you he should leave a crack of the door open for mending what was lost.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Hi denisefire -

Thank you for your thougtful feedback. I do know why he left, and the reason he has been relectant to re-engage with attempting to heal the marriage. It is because am the one who screwed up big time. I betrayed my husband, not through and affair with another person, but by a re-currence of my alcoholism after more than a decade in recovery. It is uncomfortable for me to share about this, because of all the judgement and stigma atttached to alcoholism and addiction (especially for females). But at the risk of being judged, and as I did reveal in my earliest posts on TAM dating back to April, 2012, we had been happily married for 3 years and together for 5 when I had a horrible relapse that lasted for 2 years and took and awful toll on my marriage. I made the inexcusable mistake of becoming complacent about my resovery and I had stopped going to meetings -- which was the st up for relapse when I started a stressful new job. Because I had been in recovery for so long before and he had only ever known me as a recovering person, my husband became very resentful about my inability to stop again -- looking at it as an act of willful misconduct rather than "I need help to get sober again." Though I remained high functioning in terms of my career, it was basically the same as checking out of the marriage during those 2 years, until he finally gave me an ultimatum and I landed in a rehab in January, 2012.

He left in April, 2012, about 2 months after my return from rehab, saying that he needed time and space to sort himself out, and not knowing if he could risk staying married to me, for fear that I would relapse again and destry our lives. This past year, I fought for my sobrierty, despite it being the most painful, stressful, anxious, depressing time of my life since he left. I take full responsiblity for what happened, and he knows that I am extremely remorseful and mortified by the harm I inflicted on the marriage, when all I ever wanted to do was love and honer this man with all my heart. So is basic issues are fear and lack of trust.

My family and friends thought his timing was odd -- why would he leave when I finally got better again and recomoitted to my recovery? But he was the only one who had to live with my problem and I cannot judge him for his reaction and reluctance to open his heart to me again, now that he has seen that dark side of me. Very similar, I suppose to betrayed spouses whose wives had an affair. Will they do it again? How can I ever trust them?

So at risk of putting it out there, that's the story. I do not know if he will ever let me build and earn trust again, or what it would take, beyond him seeing me staying committed to my recovery. Losing my marriage may well be a consequence I will have to pay for my failing, but it will not be healthy or useful for me to beat myself up about it forever. If he can't or won't get over this, then that is his right and I have to accept it. I have done everything in my power to express my remorse and desire to make amends, but cannot control the outcome, and have to face my consequences like an adult and carry on as best I can to rebuild and become a better person.

Interestingly, he emailed me yesterday out of the blue (and after the "divorce talk" email, to which I did not respond), to tell me "I have decided to attend an Al-Anon meeting to deal with my issues." I told him I thought this was a grerat idea, and applauded his courage and initiative in giving this a try to see if it can help him to hear from other men who have been in his shoes. I am not going to get my hopes up, but that is a big step for him, and something he has never previously been willing to consider. So we will see. It may be too, little too late for our marriage but at the very least I hope it may help him with his own healing.

Not easy for me to share this, but in the name of honesty that is the story.

Best, - A12
 
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