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I have very mixed feelings about ending it at all. Like most that have been cheated on, my very strong preference would involve a time machine and no cheating. We had a great life together. Best friends and lovers. I wanted to grow old together. She did too, at least before the affair.

Reflect back. Upfront She was giddy about starting her new life with her new man. You and the family were nothing but an afterthought. Now that her OM dumped her I suspect you are a great plan B.

She has mixed feelings too despite what I did. One minute she will be talking about how maybe we can still be together. The next, she's talking about what she wants to take from the house when she goes.
After the first day she knew what I did, she has never again brought it up in an angry manner. Sometimes she even talks or acts like maybe she won't leave and that really scares me. Like I said, I've got such mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I can't wait for her to be gone. On the other, I can't stand the thought of being without her. So I passive aggressively make it untenable for her to stay. Making it her decision to go. Or not. Hoping she will go but if she doesn't, will I tell her she has to go? IDK.

Why is this her decision? Infidelity as you’ve seen is a lifelong gift. If you can’t make a decision you’ll stay where you are.

Now she's back. Great sex. Back to watching TV together till we fall asleep. Eating together most every meal. Going out to dinner. Making plans to double date other couples, one last time, before we split. Going to kid's sports events together.

You’re sending mixed signals. Do you want to move on or not. Playing this game won’t get you there.


She is drinking a lot more. More often and more quantity.

She has to figure this out. It’s not up to you.

She told her parents. Her mother wants to talk to me, ugh. I have avoided this woman as much as possible for years. As she ages she makes less and less sense and is so self centered she makes my x-wife look like a normal wired person.
Where is it written that you have to talk to her mother? Why is this any of her business?

There is nothing wrong with staying together. Most like you have a hard time making a decision so you essentially keep yourself bound. She can’t do it unless you allow it.

Where do you want to be 5 or 10 years from now? Living with her affair stuck in your craw? Or a chance at life without this in it?

It is up to you.
 

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Did you sleep with another man or something? Or maybe even a public notary man?
 

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I think yiu are still punishing her for the affair instead of making a clean break with the divorce. Yiu are also punishing yourself. Either forgive her and reconcile or get on with it.
 

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I have to admit, a part of me enjoys seeing her feel regret. Even if it is not remorse. Regret. Its like remorse light.
I honestly think you need some therapy. This long drawn out process has warped you in some way and not a good way. When we lose who we are to prove a point, then we have lost, not gained anything. Will you be able to look in the mirror and say you acted with integrity throughout your self imposed (almost spiteful) crucifixion? The thing is perhaps you have hurt yourself more than it has hurt her. Forgiveness (not to get back together) is something you should look into, so you can really move on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #47 ·
Can't recall. Did her parents know about the affair and the divorce when it happened?
We kept it a secret from everyone for about a year. When we were visiting her parents about a year after Dday, I told them.

I honestly think you need some therapy. This long drawn out process has warped you in some way and not a good way. When we lose who we are to prove a point, then we have lost, not gained anything. Will you be able to look in the mirror and say you acted with integrity throughout your self imposed (almost spiteful) crucifixion? The thing is perhaps you have hurt yourself more than it has hurt her. Forgiveness (not to get back together) is something you should look into, so you can really move on.
I hear that "forgiveness heals you" thing all the time. Maybe I'm just not wired normally (I am on the spectrum) but that never made sense to me. In a way I agree that my actions are hurting myself more than her. My actions against the OM are hurting me more than him. I still want it though. Whatever the cost.

Talk about a spectrum, lets say we have 100% healed, no longer feeling hurt about the affair, on one end and on the other end, feeling so bad about it that you want to commit suicide. I am way closer to the suicide end.

No calls to 911 please. I'm not actually suicidal but I am closer to that end of things than being 100% healed. I am bitter, angry, you name it.

I've been in therapy since Dday, 2012. One therapist for about two years. She gave up on me and said I needed to find someone else because she wasn't helping me. The second for about three years. Some progress but not enough too justify the time away from work that it was costing me, so I quit. I'm on meds that keep me somewhat off the brink. I actually didn't quit the second therapist till I started the meds. The meds are really the only thing that put a dent in my pain. The meds made me feel like I could let go of the therapy and not just drown in grief.

Ironically it was my x-wife's father, a psychiatrist, that found me the right meds. I had tried a slew of them before he suggested the one that nailed it for me.
 

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The Charade always seemed so strange to me, but now with this info...

If you don't mind me asking, what are the meds you've been taking? Psych diagnoses?
 

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Did you try EMDR therapy? PTSD is extremely common in infidelity situations.
Really seems like self flagellation.
Even more troublesome is the hurt you have created and now ripples out around you.
I can appreciate your revenge angle on the The Dentist but not if it’s also self defeating. That’s mind bogglingly self destructive. How does being self destructive not affect your loved ones? Just seems psychotic.
 

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Discussion Starter · #50 ·
If you don't mind me asking, what are the meds you've been taking? Psych diagnoses?
Separation anxiety. The initial go to for most docs is depression. I tried a lot of anti-depressants with no good effects and some bad effects. I'm not depressed.

Did you try EMDR therapy? PTSD is extremely common in infidelity situations.
Yes, I clearly recognized the symptoms of PTSD. Without professional help, it was obvious. One thing, her mobile phone dinging with an incoming message would send me to bonker's ville. Even long after he stopped texting her bc he was on clamp down with his BW. Still, even though I knew it was not him, I would hear that ding and just freak. She changed the sound and it did help. EMDR helped more and helped with other PSTD symptoms but as my EMDR therapist told me, EMDR only works for past trauma. So when the dentist came back at her, the EMDR could not help deal with that. It was ongoing trauma.

He only stopped coming after her when I put up the website and she refused his request for help in getting me to take it down. Having that up makes me feel better than EMDR. I'm taking positive action to prevent further trauma. Also having her finally put him out of consideration helped.

By Way of Update:

She seems like maybe she won't leave after all. Things like, she stopped talking about it. She bought a couple relatively expensive things for the house that she can't take with her. Can't read too much into that, she is really bad with money.

So maybe I don't need her to leave. I just want what I want and if she leaves, so be it. The next test will be when spousal support is truly over. We have discussed that I'm not willing to support her in the lifestyle she has with my money. So she has to either work or cut back or both. Or find a new guy to pay for her lifestyle.

I think the new guy solution is what she is planning but then we both thought the irreversible thing would result in her leaving too. Maybe the end of support money won't either. Time will tell.

I don't now how I feel about that. On the one hand I've been so abused I want her gone. On the other had, if she stays but understands her much lowed importance in my life, maybe I can stand to keep her around. She does bring benefits.
 

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I think you are correct about her coming to terms with what you did and decided that it is not worth giving up her meal ticket.

I think your kids are correct in that she is toxic. From what you have said about her in the past, I think she will do what ever is necessary to stay attached to your bank account.
 

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OneEighty, I have to say that you COULD have her evicted if you REALLY want to end this, but you sound like you yourself are on the fence here.

I know there are "benefits" but those benefits are adding to your stress, adding to your PTSD -- is it worth it? You can't seem to move on with her around, so IS it worth it?
 

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It makes perfect sense that you can't heal and improve WRT your PTSD while the source of it is still living with you. If you're comfortable with continuing to suffer from your PTSD to get those benefits then you don't have to force the issue. But if you truly want it to stop and to move on, of course you have to separate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #55 ·
I think you are correct about her coming to terms with what you did and decided that it is not worth giving up her meal ticket.

I think your kids are correct in that she is toxic. From what you have said about her in the past, I think she will do what ever is necessary to stay attached to your bank account.
She is on the fence for sure. Lots of mixed signal. Not just from her but me too.

OneEighty, I have to say that you COULD have her evicted if you REALLY want to end this, but you sound like you yourself are on the fence here.
Yep. I borrowed against the house. I have the right to kick her out tomorrow and have the money to pay her what I owe her. You are 100% right that I am in the driver seat and choosing to site at idle.

When does the support run out?
It should have run out long ago. If she demanded more money I'd have to pay it. She asks for it when she needs it which with the pandemic money she gets is getting to be very rare. She is being very, nice I guess is the word for it is. Not demanding money when it is due. Of course the total due does not change if it is due and she does not get it. So it is like she is banking it. assuming I don't lose the ability too pay it, i.e.: get hit by a bus.

It makes perfect sense that you can't heal and improve WRT your PTSD while the source of it is still living with you. If you're comfortable with continuing to suffer from your PTSD to get those benefits then you don't have to force the issue. But if you truly want it to stop and to move on, of course you have to separate.
Yes, all true. I can't stand the sight of her sometimes but then can't stop wanting to be with her either.

I'm just going to be more and more demanding and less and less accommodating. Let her really feel from experience how low a priority she is to me now. Not with words. I already did the verbal berating thing like only a well trained attorney with a great vocabulary could do.

Now with actions, I am showing her how little what she wants still matters to me. Whereas before Dday she was my top priority. Now I don't even try. Maybe if she can take this reality of how far she has fallen and live with it, maybe I can tolerate being with her. I don't think so but maybe.
 

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My bigger question to you is - why would you want to live with someone that you think so poorly of? Don't you dream of having another good, fulfilling, healthy relationship even if it's just something akin to friends with benefits? Why must you act immaturely and passive aggressively instead of taking your life into your own hands with courage and integrity? Do you really like the person you are today - the one that would rather sabotage and freeze the ex out instead of acting decisively in your own best interest? I'm not trying to be harsh on you because I genuinely like you as a poster but I could not possibly respect or even like myself if I weaseled my way out of a marriage like that no matter how terrible my husband was. At some point, you really need to take stock of what kind of man you have become through this journey and whether you have lost sight of yourself in order to "win" some stupid game the two of you are playing.
 

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OneEighty, please don't take this the wrong way, but are you perhaps a bit too co-dependent? Maybe the book Co-Dependent no more would help?
 

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Discussion Starter · #60 · (Edited)
OneEighty, please don't take this the wrong way, but are you perhaps a bit too co-dependent? Maybe the book Co-Dependent no more would help?
"Co"-dependent, no. Me dependent, yes. She will be fine without me or anyone. It is strange that she has such so low self esteem when guys out of the wood work hit on her constantly, she knows she doesn't need me, or anyone, to be ok. Yet I, I know I will be ok with out her, intellectually, but in my gut I feel I'm going to drown without her.

What if you did the thing again that you did before? Would she leave? Is the thing repeatable?
People are so obsessed with the thing I did. It is nothing any of you would find objectionable. It is a thing between my FW and myself that is so particular and personal that it would identify us, if in fact anyone that do not know us and was reading this it would not shock any of you. You would say WTF, that is all it is???

I can and will do further damage. I am about to cut off the money she depends upon. Can she handle that? I think maybe. She is making comment to the effect that she will.

Why must you act immaturely and passive aggressively instead of taking your life into your own hands with courage and integrity? Do you really like the person you are today - the one that would rather sabotage and freeze the ex out instead of acting decisively in your own best interest?
Yes, I do. I want to see how far I can push her before she breaks. I know that she did not intentionally do that to me but she did in fact do that to me. I want retribution and restitution. I know restitution is Not possible in this context. Retribution is possibly eternal.

Maybe she won't break. Maybe if I had cheated instead of her, she would have held true. No one will know.
lost sight of yourself in order to "win" some stupid game the two of you are playing.
I hate sexist comments. I rail against them all the time. Men and women are so much more alike than different that it really annoys me when people post sexist comments. However...... maybe this a 49/51 thing that men want to compete. To "win." Stupid men want this. Maybe stupid women too. I don't want to assume men are more stupid than women when it comes to "winning" at the cost of your own soul. Here though, I want to win. Game on. Hence the Charade. What woman would enter that game without thinking she would "win."

What a sick and twisted web we weave, when we practice to deceive. (Sir Walter Scott) with modern adaptation.
 
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