Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

The Facebook Fuss - Frustrated Friendships?

28K views 77 replies 25 participants last post by  huffmani 
#1 ·
Is facebook complicating relationships? Many are connecting online with old friends, distant family, and unfortunately at times old flames. Problem is, these relationships are not in 'real' time they are virtual relationships, ones maintained and fostered online.

I spoke to a few individuals recently and one person in particular did sheepishly admit to me that she intentionally posts pictures on her Facebook for accolades and praise of others. She feels that she still does not measure up and wants to show the world, mainly friends, that she is valuable and she does have a decent life. We went on to process during the discussion that it is more about her proving to herself she is valuable and hiding behind putting it up to 'simply' share with others. Now, don't mistake, not all Facebookers are emotionally underdeveloped but this great networking tool can be a haven for such persons. The profile photo is one such indicator. Have you noticed the men and women that have near-glamour shots for their profile image? We are not talking about an image with their spouse or one of them with their kids but a photo of them in a 'hey-look-at-me-i-am-so-beautiful' kind of photos. If you are a social networker I caution you to be aware of your networking time and don't develop and foster a sense of core-Self based on trite comments online or simpleton surveys people create. Instead, use social networking to build your relationships and catch up and stay connected; remember to ensure you are not shying away from what is key, physical real time human relationships. 

Elizabeth Bernstein recently wrote an article that hit home with me and I resonated with similar sentiments in her article on WallStreet Journals online site, Business News & Financial News - The Wall Street Journal - WSJ.com. Here is a small piece of her article that captures the essence of what she offered that I felt compelled to include in this article. "Like many people, I'm experiencing Facebook Fatigue. I'm tired of loved ones-you know who you are-who claim they are too busy to pick up the phone, or even write a decent email, yet spend hours on social-media sites, uploading photos of their children or parties, forwarding inane quizzes, posting quirky, sometimes nonsensical one-liners or tweeting their latest whereabouts. ("Anyone know a good restaurant in Berlin?")"

She couldn't of said it better. My individuals that didn't really develop a core Self earlier in their development are using Facebook to support their underdeveloped ego and esteem. She was right on the mark in her article at WallStreet Journal's online site. If you're a facebooker, ensure you keep your primary relationships 'real-time' and avoid the virtual world of connecting except for occasional updates and photo exchanges.



Copyright: No part of this article in section or full may be reproduced without permission from the author Justin Stum, MS LMFT. The one and only exception is for educational purposes and only if the contact information below for the author is fully cited here in article.

Justin Stum, MS LMFT, 321 Mall Drive Suite I-101, St. George Utah 84790
 435-986-1777, www.pathwaystherapy.net
 
See less See more
1
#2 ·
This describes what my stbxw does. She's on Facebook ALL of the time. That's where she reconnected with the OM that was part of the reason for our impending divorce. In the future I will not be with someone who's on Facebook constantly.
 
#5 ·
I think if you have total transparency in your marraige, and willingly share near EVERYTHING with the other- just cause you genuinely WANT too -after all -this gives us something to talk about every day, then Facebook is just another Joy of life & not a threat. Me & my husband both have it, we know each others passwords & always talk about anything that happend on there to the other, the funny things we read, who we chat with, what our college aged son is up too, catching any new pics of him, we share it all.

I check it nearly every day, but hardly ever use it - no interest in the games & seems silly to post everything you are doing all day long, none of my friends lives are that interesting, and mine surely is not. I prefer anonymous forums much more so. I Do have a ton of pics on mine - Photograghy is a BIG hobby of mine, and yeah, tons of pics of the kids , friends & my family. I rarely post on my wall, maybe 10 times a year- if that. I enjoy the network -for seeing what others are up too, looking at others pics, that about sums it up.

It has never been a harming factor in our marraige in any way
 
#6 ·
My husband does not have FB. I love it, because it has helped me reconnect with old friends and family. He has never asked to see my page, but if my hubby wanted to look at my FB profile, I would have no issues with that. I have absolutely nothing to hide.

I can't imagine sharing EVERYTHING with my husband. Even in marriage, some people still need some degree of private space. I will always keep a journal and I would be livid if he read it. I do not open hubby's mail, nor do I eavesdrop on his rare phone conversations.
 
#9 ·
I can't imagine sharing EVERYTHING with my husband. Even in marriage, some people still need some degree of private space. I will always keep a journal and I would be livid if he read it. I do not open hubby's mail, nor do I eavesdrop on his rare phone conversations.
I understand others are different. I really do. We likely are VERY ODD in the scheme of normal marraiges. But it really IS our way, our desire to BE this OPEN. I feel it has given us a very successful marriage, neither of us has ever felt pressured, or the other was invading thier space, nothing like that, we both love that the other is interested & wants to be near and share. Again, I know that sounds ODD.

My husband is not a man who needs his "CAVE", his private time, it is a rarity I am sure in men. We have talked about this, I told him he is STRANGE in this way, Not like other men. But I love that about him. There is nothing he cares to keep from me, and nothing I care to keep from him. Very little offends us either, we are not bent out of shape if he looks at a sexy woman and I catch a glimpse of a hot guy on the beach, for us, that is just human nature, not a slap in the face to our love for each other in any way. He calls me a dirty old woman and I call him a dirty old man. It's all good

I started 2 journals, one for our family & one just for "US", I guess I look at this differently, I see no me, I only see "US". I would be happy if he wanted to read that, but I tell him so much I put in there, he has no reason to go there. He already knows!

We would think nothng of looking at each other's mail, his mail is my mail , or being in the room when the other is on the phone- always. We have guy friends that call me to talk sometimes (I am more of a talker of the 2 of us), because I am the way I am, he has no worry what so ever if I talk to these friends. There is no room for suspicion. It is one of the things he loves about me that gives him the most TRUST. He wants that. And I want it in return as well. I've never questioned him on anything where he has given me the slightest "push back" -that he is seeking privacy from me. EVER , and we've been together now 22 yrs married plus 8 dating.

Again, maybe RARE -but it works beautifully for us. We are a PERFECT match in this respect. :) I'd NEVER find another like him, this I am sure. I will hold him extra tight tonight! :)
 
#11 ·
Sorry - not meaning to pick on you personally - but that's a big part of the problem with FB.

One day, a guy comes along - and it only takes one guy - who catches your interest. Then, you spend the same amount of time chatting, but just less time with the girls. And to your Hubby - it all looks the same.

Facebook - iPhones - they make it easier to conceal inappropriate behaviors - especially when one spouse is willing to take advantage of the other's trust.
 
#10 ·
No need to justify your choices to me, SA. Sharing everything clearly makes both of you happy, which is completely healthy. :smthumbup:


We choose to maintain a few boundaries, so that we can each maintain our independence and autonomy...such awareness makes it even sweeter when we share decisions and events.


Every couple has their own unique way of interacting. None of them are wrong, just different. :)
 
#19 ·
NG, I agree. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with social networking sites (obviously... AHEM... tam...). However, there must be boundaries and, IMO, transparency. Do I tell my husband my every move before I make it? Of course not. But it's all open for him to see whenever he wants.

In terms of facebook specifically, I completely agree that it can open you up to certain things if you aren't guarded. I had two different instances in my short lived time on facebook. In one instance, a guy from high school friended me. He sent me a pm that was totally inappropriate. I told my hubby about it and blocked him. Another guy friended me and did the same. I told him that my husband was sitting right there reading what he'd just written to me. He went through the roof as though I'd betrayed HIM by sharing a message with my husband.

I don't think that's the norm with facebook but it happens. Boundaries have to be in place. We make it a point each evening to put up our phones and computers to spend time together. Otherwise, like you say, hubby would be bonding with phone games while I ban people on TAM (Just kidding--maybe ;) ).
So - ummm...whatcha wearin?

;)
 
#21 ·
With recent events, my wife and i have been having some problems. And I notice she is on FB alot lately. So I decided to check out her profile and all of a sudden she has recently adden 6 guys as "friends"

Am I suspicous? yes. So I asked who some of the names were. Talk about defensive.

We were talking untill I asked why if she claims to be dedicated to working things out is she all of a sudden connecting with new guys.

I have a FB page but its only to see what is going on behind my back. call me paranoid, but just cause your paranoid does not mean they are not out to get you.

This hurts.
 
#22 ·
I'm friends with a lot of women myself and I can truly say that I've "behaved." But I still look back and see FB as the beginning of the end. The end may have come anyway - but I still think FB made it all much easier.
 
#26 ·
I love Facebook.

I chat with my girl friends before our husbands get home.

We chat while we're cooking dinner (before hubs get home).

We vent about our whiny kids! LOL

I post pics of my kids for my mom and family and friends to see.

Facebook is what you make it. The program isn't bad, some the users just misuse it.
 
#28 ·
Yes - but if I - as a person - wanted to kill someone - I would likely look for a gun.
I work part time in a gun store. But I do agree with you and why does That Girl get on Facebook while her h is not home? My wife told me to stay off her facebook page so I locked it out of our computer. Now no one gets to go on it which is fine by be.

Give a man a match and he will be warm for a day. Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
 
#31 ·
Actually no.

One of my friends has an awesome husband and she's pregnant with baby #4.

Another friend has a cheating husband...so I lend my ear for her to vent.

Another friend is just fun to chat with about our kids. Her husband is usually home when we're chatting but he's studying to be a mortician so he's busy.

Sorry you have cheating spouses, but I'm not one of them. Stop making everything seem so shady. F8ck.

I don't give a crap what my friends do what they aren't chatting with me. I can't control them. I only control myself. Please don't insinuate that I use FB to cheat.
 
#32 ·
Sorry - got a bit carried away.

Never meant to insinuate anything about you personally.

And of course I don't know your GF's.

But its easy to get jaded sometimes. When 50% of marriages end in divorce - when you come here and realize how common it is for a marriage of 15+ years to go down the toilet - its easy to get jaded.

My parents never cheated - that I'm aware of. My mother died at 53 - so they were able to actually do the "til death do you part" thing. So - until I was 39 - cheating and divorce were about as real as Star Wars in MY little world. They were things you saw in movies - or that happened to "other" people.

Again - sorry if my little rant offended anyone - just blowing off steam. Thought I made it crazy enough - and I'm truly hoping no one actually has an imaginary "Aunt Ruthie"!
 
#33 ·
My parents divorced. No cheating though. My bio dad was a druggy. My stepdad was ok...my mom is just very nutso. lollll.

I understand how people can get jaded...I just don't like people questioning why I'm on FB when my husband isn't home. Wtf? Like I'm doing something dirty. lollll I have nothing to hide. If you knew my friends, you'd say they're good women. We don't even talk about our husbands. They've never heard me say a bad word about him-- ever. Not even through our separation.

What I'm saying is this--- one's situation not ALL situations. To read into something innocent will cause problems in every future relationship one has.

For those who have been cheated on, I am truly sorry for the struggle you are going through. I can't even imagine and I'm sorry you feel the way you do.

But please know there are good women/men in the world that do not use FB to cheat, etc. Just because your spouse did, doesn't mean ALL spouses do.

Would I mind if my husband went on my FB? No. I'd wonder why he'd want to as he's never been interested before. It would be out of character for him so I'd wonder why the "no trust" all of a sudden.

And I think the "no trust" issue is way bigger than FB.
 
#36 ·
Also, moms do need to talk/vent about their days. There are things husbands do not want to hear or care about. Other moms "get it" and it's better than always *****ing to our men lol.

My husband is at work all day talking to other adults.

I am at work all day talking to children. Then I go home and talk to children. I need my girl friends...I don't go out with them, as they live in other states, we just chat after work. :)
 
#38 ·
I have always been way more addicted to anonymous forums- of all differnt subjects. Facebook is very boring in comparison-for me. Everyone is so guarded to what they post -as to not offend generally , so many sunshine & rainbow posts, and endless scripture quotations on mine anyway.

I look for the posts that are a little more out of the box to add a comment.

I'd rather go where people say it like it is, let it all hang out, find some controversy to sink my teeth into, even if we don't know who we are tallking too, it is way more interesting !
 
#39 ·
I've been leaning on FB a lot more as the divorce looms closer. I try not to get too serious - and I also don't rant about my divorce or my STBX.

I'll see a scripture quote once in a while - but its mostly song lyrics and quotes from movies on my page!

And - of course - pics of everyone's kids!

But that's part of the problem - part of why it seems so harmless. There's also that little chat button!
 
#40 ·
I've used facebook for so much goodness it's not even funny. It's a wonderful tool if you use it properly. I have never even considered using it as a cheating tool. My husband has FB and we're "friends" but he's not very into it. For a social monster like me, it's like candy. I enjoy stalking people randomly and seeing what they choose to post about themselves.

NG why are we not Facebook friends?! That_girl, you too! Why oh why have I not had the honor of stalking both of you yet?
 
#44 ·
Face Book is finding its self in a lot of on line divorce filing. I have watched friends of mine "break up" on fb and seen the nasty fall out all out there for everyone to see.

I hate that people act like it is real life and take every comment made as a jab at them. I have seen so many comment fights between friends it is stupid.

Face Book has created another form of zombie. I notice the cell phone zombies everywhere in a crowded room, dancing, shopping, and anywhere else, all with real live people right there and they are on their phone most likely updating fb about how much fun they are having or who they are with or whatever. Really??? there are breathing people right next to you to talk to so put down your dang phone!!!!!

I do facebook and actually check it daily. It has replaced my email as a means to talk with distant relitives that are out of state or country when calling just is not an option.
I think it is about boundaries as far as keeping it from blasting your relationship apart and thoes that use it to boost their self up in the eyes of others "I have great car, tons of friends, go to amazing places." or whatever all I can say is your bathroom mirrior pictures are so annoying. Hand the camera over to someone else please. (or at least clean your bathroom up first)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top