Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 39 Posts

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,030 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
The old but newly popular notion that one’s love life can be analyzed like an economy is flawed—and it’s ruining romance.

Great article in the Atlantic that goes into great detail into the use of economic theory to the "Dating Market".

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/modern-dating-odds-economy-apps-tinder-math/606982/

(snip)It’s understandable that someone like Liz might internalize the idea that dating is a game of probabilities or ratios, or a marketplace in which single people just have to keep shopping until they find “the one.”*
The unfortunate coincidence is that the fine-tuned analysis of dating’s numbers game and the streamlining of its trial-and-error process of shopping around have taken place as dating’s definition has expanded from “the search for a suitable marriage partner” into something decidedly more ambiguous. Meanwhile, technologies have emerged that make the market more visible than ever to the average person, encouraging a ruthless mind-set of assigning “objective” values to potential partners and to ourselves—with little regard for the ways that framework might be weaponized. The idea that a population of single people can be analyzed like a market might be useful to some extent to sociologists or economists, but the widespread adoption of it by single people themselves can result in a warped outlook on love.
I think much of what they say is true. I know I've internalized the idea that dating is a game of probabilities and ratios. And I absolutely have fallen into the trap of doing OLD because I'm lonely only to become more lonely afterwards.

The marketplace is a mess but then again there is no alternative.

Question:. How does one make the best of a very fault, but normalized, system.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,581 Posts
Unlike you, I gave up a long time ago, and don't even browse OLD much anymore!

The difference between us, @Lila is that you apparently still have it within your heart to trust ~ while I lost that and just don't know how to effectively get it back!
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,028 Posts
Well OLD is a marketplace by nature. There's no way you can make a human connection this way and the temptation is to always wonder if you can do better. Buffett lines are the least intimate type of restaurant out there.

Get off OLD and join some meetup groups where you can make a human connection. I'm honestly not sure if I would've clicked my guy's profile, but since we met in a bike club and spent time riding and chatting he really grew on me and a connection developed.

I have a male running friend in his early 50's that met his longtime gf in a meetup group, which he mainly joined for some social interactions after his divorce. He says it saved his life. And she's a couple of years older...he wasn't interested in someone much younger.

Either find an activity you like or join a social group.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,888 Posts
Well OLD is a marketplace by nature. There's no way you can make a human connection this way and the temptation is to always wonder if you can do better. Buffett lines are the least intimate type of restaurant out there.

Get off OLD and join some meetup groups where you can make a human connection. I'm honestly not sure if I would've clicked my guy's profile, but since we met in a bike club and spent time riding and chatting he really grew on me and a connection developed.

I have a male running friend in his early 50's that met his longtime gf in a meetup group, which he mainly joined for some social interactions after his divorce. He says it saved his life. And she's a couple of years older...he wasn't interested in someone much younger.

Either find an activity you like or join a social group.
None of this applies to me, but this sounds like very sound advice. If you want it more natural then shopping for a guy on a computer just isnt going to work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,761 Posts
I will use all means available if I ever reenter the dating game. I found OLD extraordinarily useful and had great success using it to find some wonderfully compatible women including my wife. I am very aware of the market and shopping mentality of many who use it, however, so I have no illusions about it being easy - patience and experience are needed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
531 Posts
In my opinion, its tough to judge the whole dating scene as a 50+ single.

I think many people are jaded by their history and that sets a predefined outcome to many experiences.

I try to not look for "red flags" on initial dates and instead look for opportunities. So far I have had fun meeting new people.

I just started a new relationship that was a non-virtual meet, though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,581 Posts
I think one of the key lines in the article is this:
“People are seen as commodities, as opposed to individuals.”

I think this is the case in our modern society for WAY more than just dating, and it's a shame.
Well Put!

And that's coming from a guy, who since uttering his very first wedding vows, has felt greatly like this "commodity" you speak of!

OLD is for the "contestants" and the judges, and although my profiles are ancient while of a positive nature, I'm seriously thinking about ditching the whole process!

Besides that, I'm just too damned old!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,770 Posts
Well OLD is a marketplace by nature. There's no way you can make a human connection this way and the temptation is to always wonder if you can do better. Buffett lines are the least intimate type of restaurant out there.

Get off OLD and join some meetup groups where you can make a human connection. I'm honestly not sure if I would've clicked my guy's profile, but since we met in a bike club and spent time riding and chatting he really grew on me and a connection developed.

I have a male running friend in his early 50's that met his longtime gf in a meetup group, which he mainly joined for some social interactions after his divorce. He says it saved his life. And she's a couple of years older...he wasn't interested in someone much younger.

Either find an activity you like or join a social group.
My wife and I consider ourselves profoundly lucky to be together, while agreeing if we'd read each other's profiles we probably wouldn't have seen much potential.

I think it is ok to try OLD, but that activities and volunteering are usually better. I remember in college one time the prof picked 5 students and told them to stand in front of the class. He made them wait there a while, then asked them to count the blocks in the top of the back wall. Then he asked them if they felt more awkward while counting or before, of course before. The point is, if you're hiking w/ people or cleaning up the park, you have built-in things to start a conversation.

Also, I'd rather meet people who put their phone down and do stuff.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,717 Posts
OLD is impersonal yes, but it has 1 big bonus that you don’t get through meeting people the old-fashioned way: it puts a person in contact with a large number of people that you may overlook in real life.

I do like the suggestion of @lifeistooshort: joining a meetup group. It’s a safer alternative to meet someone, and if it’s a themed meetup group, then you know that they share an interest with you. For me, OLD was a better option because between work and my side gigs, I don’t have a lot of free time to join a bunch of groups. It was by no means easy; it was still a lot of work, but it was the way to go for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,174 Posts
Well OLD is a marketplace by nature. There's no way you can make a human connection this way and the temptation is to always wonder if you can do better. Buffett lines are the least intimate type of restaurant out there.

Get off OLD and join some meetup groups where you can make a human connection. I'm honestly not sure if I would've clicked my guy's profile, but since we met in a bike club and spent time riding and chatting he really grew on me and a connection developed.

I have a male running friend in his early 50's that met his longtime gf in a meetup group, which he mainly joined for some social interactions after his divorce. He says it saved his life. And she's a couple of years older...he wasn't interested in someone much younger.

Either find an activity you like or join a social group.
I agree singles should explore all options to meet people, and in person meeting is usually best because the first impression is much more clear than a first impression on OLD.

But it’s simply untrue that a human connection can’t be made through OLD.

The online part is over as soon as you meet in person and then it’s the same as if you had met some other way.

My guy and I met on OLD and have an amazing human connection. Also he and I never would have crossed paths in any meet up or group. So I’m thankful for the way we met as it was the only possible way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,456 Posts
Honestly, it scares the crap out of me and I'm not sure I would participate if I found myself single in these times.

If I didn't meet someone another way, I would probably prefer to stay single anyway.
I
 

Attachments

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,417 Posts
My guy and I met on OLD and have an amazing human connection. Also he and I never would have crossed paths in any meet up or group. So I’m thankful for the way we met as it was the only possible way.
Wait, which guy is this?

Are you an "item?" "Going steady?" Or whatever it's called these days when you're doing it on the regular?

Happy for you, btw.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,174 Posts
My guy and I met on OLD and have an amazing human connection. Also he and I never would have crossed paths in any meet up or group. So I’m thankful for the way we met as it was the only possible way.
Wait, which guy is this?

Are you an "item?" "Going steady?" Or whatever it's called these days when you're doing it on the regular?

Happy for you, btw.
My happy update is on the singles thread. Woot!
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,030 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Unlike you, I gave up a long time ago, and don't even browse OLD much anymore!

The difference between us, @Lila is that you apparently still have it within your heart to trust ~ while I lost that and just don't know how to effectively get it back!
Arb I'm right there with you. As nice as it would be to find someone with whom to share my life, I have come to accept that this is the season in my life where I am responsible for others. I have to see my son off to adulthood and my parents are needing more of my help. Thankfully, I can look back on my life and say that I had a pretty good run. I experienced being in love and being loved. That's more than a lot of people get.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,030 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
In the modern era, it seems probable that the way people now shop online for goods—in virtual marketplaces, where they can easily filter out features they do and don’t want—has influenced the way people “shop” for partners, especially on dating apps, which often allow that same kind of filtering. The behavioral economics researcher and dating coach Logan Ury said in an interview that many single people she works with engage in what she calls “relationshopping.”
Relationshopping

Great description.

I have done online dating in the past but not for long however I find this mentality of Relationshopping to be evident even 'in real life' interactions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,581 Posts
Arb I'm right there with you. As nice as it would be to find someone with whom to share my life, I have come to accept that this is the season in my life where I am responsible for others. I have to see my son off to adulthood and my parents are needing more of my help. Thankfully, I can look back on my life and say that I had a pretty good run. I experienced being in love and being loved. That's more than a lot of people get.
Other than for occasional bouts of loneliness, I feel the very same way you do! My oldest is about to "pop the question" to his STBFiance while in the midst of working on his masters, and trying to qualify to ref football in major college; my youngest has graduated college and is spreading his wings in his new job and I'm loving being a part of all of it!

At times, I really believe that the Heavenly Father, brought Mathias to me to help me combat that opposite sex loneliness! It's as if He is there trying to save me from not only myself, but something that I probably can no longer handle!

And after God so lovingly saw fit to have placed that puppy into my life, I absolutely wouldn't trade that lovable golden furry fleabag for anything in the world!
 
1 - 20 of 39 Posts
Top