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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I see post after post describing a viscous cycle of sexlessness...

The husband initiates sex...

The wife refuses/deferrs (later honey)...

The husband feels resentment/frustration...

The wife picks up on it, and feels pressured/unappreciated....

The husband sees this as more rejection, and with no sex begins to feel more frustrated.....(He still has his origional erection)......

He later initiates again.....

By now she is pi$$ed and refuuses more forcefully...

Does anyone see a happy outcome to this senario???

THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY ATMOSPHERE......

At this point, one selfless act, an unexpected roll in the sack, a quick BJ, or HJ would defuse the situation, but at this point, the cycle of sexlessness is pretty much self sustaining...sort of like a neuclear chain reaction...

I propose to break that cycle in my relationship...

I told my wife last night I would no longer innitiate sex with her...and from now on if my bedroom door was closed, please knock before entering...

She was not at all happy, but I was trying to prevent a Christmas divorce.....

She seems to feel that if she is not taking care of my sexual needs I shouldn't either.....

Well I'm a pretty good dog, but you have to pet me once in a while or it will be hard to keep me under the porch.....

We will see how things work out.....
 

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I have to say I've never understood this...
Telling a ld/refusing spouse that you won't bother them with asking for sex.

Isn't it like telling a child that hates spinach,
That they will never get another plate of spinach?

Seems like weird reverse psychology where you still lose and she still "wins"


I see post after post describing a viscous cycle of sexlessness...

The husband initiates sex...

The wife refuses/deferrs (later honey)...

The husband feels resentment/frustration...

The wife picks up on it, and feels pressured/unappreciated....

The husband sees this as more rejection, and with no sex begins to feel more frustrated.....(He still has his origional erection)......

He later initiates again.....

By now she is pi$$ed and refuuses more forcefully...

Does anyone see a happy outcome to this senario???

THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY ATMOSPHERE......

At this point, one selfless act, an unexpected roll in the sack, a quick BJ, or HJ would defuse the situation, but at this point, the cycle of sexlessness is pretty much self sustaining...sort of like a neuclear chain reaction...

I propose to break that cycle in my relationship...

I told my wife last night I would no longer innitiate sex with her...and from now on if my bedroom door was closed, please knock before entering...

She was not at all happy, but I was trying to prevent a Christmas divorce.....

She seems to feel that if she is not taking care of my sexual needs I shouldn't either.....

Well I'm a pretty good dog, but you have to pet me once in a while or it will be hard to keep me under the porch.....

We will see how things work out.....
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Sounds familiar.

I'm afraid what will happen is that your not initiating sex is playing into her hands of not wanting to have sex. She wins.

Then, months from now when you complain about not having sex, she'll come back with "Well, you haven't tried to have sex with me in months." She wins again.

Meanwhile, you will become more resentful and frustrated that despite having a wife that is physically and mentally capable of having sex, you need to resort to taking care of yourself. Masturbation is good for a hold-over, but not as a substitute for an intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship in a marriage.

And you're sleeping in separate bedrooms? Doesn't help.

Assuming that you have been meeting her needs while she has not met yours, you need to stop and let her know why.

"Honey, in order for me to meet your needs, this marriage needs to include an intimate, fulfilling sexual component in order to work. If it doesn't, I can't meet your needs and the marriage will fail."

It was funny how my wife gave me all the reasons why we couldn't have sex... she wasn't interested, she was "old", she was tired, etc... When it looked like we were going to divorce and she wanted to try to save the marriage, one thing I told her was that sex needed to be part of the relationship. It's funny how that old, tired, uninterested lady found a way to become sexual again.

We also wanted to avoid a "Christmas divorce" so I didn't tell her she had to change "today" but told her that come January 1, if things weren't better we'd move forward then. I also started looking for a place to live and let he know I was.

If you want to live in separate bedrooms, in a sexless marriage, that's your choice. But it won't change until your wife realizes that it has killed the marriage.
 

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I hear you!

My wife and I had sex last Saturday as I was going away on Sunday. The sex happened after I initiated Thursday, Friday and Saturday night only to be rejected. Finally Saturday morning she rejected me again, but I stayed in bed and kept approaching her. Eventually she warmed up to me. We had a great couple of hours of making love and talking and being close.

I left for a week long golf trip. I sent her a message thanking her for the great time on Saturday morning. She responded with, "It makes me feel so great about us."

I got back late Friday. Have been trying to initiate since I got home. She is pissed that I am pressuring her. Told me last night, "It has only been 8 days".

I am so tired of being a charity case.
 

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I hear you!

My wife and I had sex last Saturday as I was going away on Sunday. The sex happened after I initiated Thursday, Friday and Saturday night only to be rejected. Finally Saturday morning she rejected me again, but I stayed in bed and kept approaching her. Eventually she warmed up to me. We had a great couple of hours of making love and talking and being close.

I left for a week long golf trip. I sent her a message thanking her for the great time on Saturday morning. She responded with, "It makes me feel so great about us."

I got back late Friday. Have been trying to initiate since I got home. She is pissed that I am pressuring her. Told me last night, "It has only been 8 days".

I am so tired of being a charity case.
Man, too much frickin work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I have to say I've never understood this...
Telling a ld/refusing spouse that you won't bother them with asking for sex.

Isn't it like telling a child that hates spinach,
That they will never get another plate of spinach?

Seems like weird reverse psychology where you still lose and she still "wins"



Posted via Mobile Device
Wow, you mean if I don't initiate I don't get sex ????

How is that different ????

At this point there is no such thing as LESS sex....

I find many women, my wife included, to be hard wired for "wierd reverse psychology"

How many times have you seen a woman refuse to take YES for an answer ? It's in their genes......

See my posts "Not having sex tonight" and "Had a wonderful night???" to put things in context.....
 

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If you never initiate you are running the white flag up the pole. I would recommend you initiate three times as often and consider it a numbers game much like a batting average. In order to get the sex you desire forecast how likely you are to hit safely and then schedule your number of at bats on that premise. Also, with this mindset you can deal with an "out" as it is all part of picking up your bat and having a swing.

I only get lucky about twice/week but I speak of sex, refer to our later sex, text about sex, tell her its off limits tonight because I'll be whitening my teeth (joke) basically every day.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I hear you!

My wife and I had sex last Saturday as I was going away on Sunday. The sex happened after I initiated Thursday, Friday and Saturday night only to be rejected. Finally Saturday morning she rejected me again, but I stayed in bed and kept approaching her. Eventually she warmed up to me. We had a great couple of hours of making love and talking and being close.

I left for a week long golf trip. I sent her a message thanking her for the great time on Saturday morning. She responded with, "It makes me feel so great about us."

I got back late Friday. Have been trying to initiate since I got home. She is pissed that I am pressuring her. Told me last night, "It has only been 8 days".

I am so tired of being a charity case.
I was scheduled for prostate surgery, and told my wife a couple of weeks in advance that it might leave me unable to perform....She managed to squeeze me in the night before.....

See my post Not having sex tonight because...... It will give you some idea of her levil of deciet....
 

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It goes the other way too. My drive is much higher then my husbands. I want to respect him like he has me in the past. The only time we were sexless was after I broke my neck. It took me 8 months to accept my disability and pain to get on with life. This is the only time we were truly sexless(abstinence). Otherwise it was average and now above average before my major injury. Not once was he angry. His drive is average to above average. Mine is really off the scale high in the last year or so.

My husband has never shown his disappointment or frustration with a rain check when I was completely healthy. I knew he was disappointed too, I could see it by the look on his face. Neither should I get angry with rejection for the night. He gives me rain checks too, which I fully understand. Some months/weeks were less times then others. I seriously do get frustrated and will take care of myself if I have to, which is okay.

We talk about it more now then we did before. Maybe it's because I keep bringing up the issue. This is a pretty important and to many it's a touchy subject.

What really helps us become more attracted to each other is being positive and acknowledging each other. I appreciate my husband providing for us and he appreciates what I do at home. We always compliment each other. Of course we do have our off days, especially when stress levels are high with daily life. My drive hit the roof when I realized how much my husband was doing for me and his enormous amount of support with my neck injury/disability. He's going to stand by my side for life. He shows it everyday and often reassures me. With his positive attitude I want to give him my all. I want to please him in every possible way I physically can.

Talk, talk, talk. Communicating in a nice way is so important. If my husband was hounding me or getting pissed of because I rejected, I'd be very low drive.

You being angry at her could be working against you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
My husband has never shown his disappointment or frustration with a rain check when I was completely healthy. I knew he was too, I could see it by the look on his face. Neither should I. He gives me rain checks too, which I fully understand. Some months/weeks were less times then others. I seriously do get frustrated and will take care of myself if I have to, which is okay

My wife never honors rain checks...The BJ raincheck to celebrate recovery from a 4 month long ordeal of surgery and 28 days of IV antibiotics..Is mow 4 1/2 weeks past due......Thats not a rain check, it's a lie.......
 

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Pester every day to play the averages? Really?
Absolutely. My wife is LD and claims that it never enters her thoughts. I make sure it does. If I am thinking about what I want to do to her, I tell her and create some anticipation. Pestering is weak, all day foreplay and presuming success is not.

The other positive by product is I can actually get her to initiate if I spend time during the day cranking her up.
 

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It's great advice. If you have a spouse who loves you.
Plenty of spouses love the other but are just not interested in sex. Not understanding what it means in a relationship doesn't mean they don't love you, it's just that they don't understand.

But once it is explained, THEN it's a matter of enough love to meet their needs.

I'm assuming OP is already there.
 

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These are wise words. Keep it light, be positive and use the presumptive close, i.e. of course we will be having sex, just a question of when and where.
Not to contradict my suggestion of keeping on trying to initiate, but eventually, whether it's light and playful or insistent, you will get the "I don't like being forced and pressured to have sex." argument.

That's why she needs to know there are consequences to what she is doing.

Also, all this assumes you have no issues contributing to all of this. If you don't, then it's HER problem to solve, not yours and she should realize that.
 
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