[HeartbreakHotelGuest]

Okay is anyone going through this? or for a while now??
its insult to injury.... he cheated on me (42) with a 20yo. I found out he had another affair in 2008. Both of these are apparently my fault - the reason he wants a divorce is apparently my fault.

We decided to stay living in the same house through the holidays for both the kids and financial reasons. He is constantly chatting his latest and greatest. meanwhile he is "comforting" me telling me time will heal what im going through, and i'll find someone else - they wont be as good, in bed and in attentiveness of course but there will someone. I guess im the moron that thinks faithfulness would be important in being a good husband - but ...oh yeah... thats my fault he had to do that!! in the meantime he is giving me the list of what he is looking for because hes not "going to be alone long, hes an excellent husband, attractive and a good catch" why is he not going to marry the 20 yo you ask - oh! cause she gave him hepatitis!!

But he wants to be my friend and wants good things for me. 0 but thats because im going to fail, and hes going to move on and have an amazing life.ut he wants to help me *read: i'm going to rub my new life in your face evry chance i get because im a narcissist*

thanks for letting me vent - if you read this far... well... sorry...

 

[angelpixie]

Sorry, HHG. I've heard similar. How do you respond when he says he wants to be friends?

 

[3Xnocharm]

Wow. A$$hole.

 

[Dollystanford]

mmm yeah they tend to say that - it's unfathomable to me that anyone who treats you like that can expect to be your friend but that's narcissists for ya!

anyway, you can pay lip service to it if you want like I did, it doesn't mean anything. I don't care what he's doing or who he's with, I never volunteer information about what I'm doing and I never ask him about his activities. Which is cool beans as far as I'm concerned

Living in the same house doesn't help, you can't really get away - it will be better once you're living apart

 

[NoWhere]

Sounds pretty normal. My wife said the same thing. She hopes we will remain good friends. blah. They are just trying to make it easier for themselves.

 

[Hermes]

Sounds pretty normal. My wife said the same thing. She hopes we will remain good friends. blah. They are just trying to make it easier for themselves.

exactly. It is to ease their own guilt.

 

[EleGirl]

I see he's already having lots of success in his new life...

He’s on #3 and has hepatitis. (Is it treatable? Or chronic?)

Some success he had going there :slap:


Wonder what altered universe some people live in :scratchhead:

 

[Ostera]

exactly. It is to ease their own guilt.

Spot on. It a twisted way of thinking.

 

[HeartbreakHotelGuest]

angelpix, I am playing play like dolly was saying.... I still love him despite it all... but i hate him too for evrything hes done and his selfishness and for ruining our lives but at the end of the day we still have 4 kids together and they need a father.

I want it over and to move on and at the exact same time i want our life back - and deep down i know it cant happen but i swear its mentally ehausting and tormenting - i hate my life.

and although it s hard arguement at this moment i'm not a wishy-washy person i have a backbone - just not when i think of losing him... i really love him - but anymore hes just poison now if i could convince myself of what i know to be true...lol

 

[arbitrator]

My STBXW told a mutual male friend of ours about me that "he's a nice guy, but needs to get a clue. I don't wish him bad, let's just be done and be friends."

I think that she may have conveniently omitted one or two other very important things out of that particular transmission to him: and that's the long-term out-of-town affairs(EA/PA's) with both of her other men that she has so closely shielded from public knowledge!

Sorry, Darlin'! But there are no friendships to be offered or had, more especially with those who wantonly choose to deceive the one's that they purportedly love and have pledged their faith, fidelity, and loyalty to in the presence of both God and man!

Friends don't exactly treat their friends that way!

 

[Dollystanford]

of course the other thing is...why would I want to be your friend when I've heard all your boring stories 500 f*cking times already

 

[HeartbreakHotelGuest]

elegirl, sorry i missed your Q. he had an cute episode that bought him near liver fail - he will need his gall bladder removed (couldnt happen to a nicer guy right!?) not related but one compounded the other.... they dont know if he will have chronic yet- regular bloodwork next appt dec 20th to see if he still has the virus.

 

[HeartbreakHotelGuest]

Arbitrator, I'm feel'n ya. He told others about me but the SOB played victim...lol... I don't iron his clothes, i cooked fatty foods etc...

cause you know those are valid reasons one should seek divorce, right? right!

least yours was sorta nice

 

[EleGirl]

elegirl, sorry i missed your Q. he had an cute episode that bought him near liver fail - he will need his gall bladder removed (couldnt happen to a nicer guy right!?) not related but one compounded the other.... they dont know if he will have chronic yet- regular bloodwork next appt dec 20th to see if he still has the virus.

No wonder he's living in an altered univers. This is pretty serious.

 

[Ostera]

Heartbreak, what he is telling you is emotional abuse. He is getting his 'digs' in.

 

[mel123]

HeartbreakHotelGuest,

Your H my have other STD. You could be infected with something. GET TESTED!

I would say he has had several A over the years, that you are not aware of.

 

[HappyKaty]

Heartbreak, what he is telling you is emotional abuse. He is getting his 'digs' in.

True story.

And, the more you pull away, the worse it will get, until it sinks in his head.

They have an incessant desire to alleviate their guilt.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[arbitrator]

Arbitrator, I'm feel'n ya. He told others about me but the SOB played victim...lol... I don't iron his clothes, i cooked fatty foods etc...

cause you know those are valid reasons one should seek divorce, right? right!

least yours was sorta nice

Thanks! But that transmission of my STBXW's was sent to a "mutual friend" m'dear! Truthfully, you should see those postings of hers that she sent to her exclusive ones!



And while falling rather short of being "sorta nice," her words and actions fluently speak to her wanton, premeditated deception, in not only our married, committed relationship, but also those relationships that she has fostered with her so-called friends and family!

All that this is really all about is nothingmore than absolving her own personal guilt in being the consumate "cake-eater!"

 

[angelpixie]

Re: what Katy said. Sad but true. Be prepared HHG for a lot of history changing to start going on. Sounds like he will do anything possible not to have to accept any responsibility or blame -- therefore, it will ALL be on you.

Take this time now to really get strong in yourself. Journal a lot - especially about the things he's done like the cheating, etc. You need to have that firmly in your mind when he gets even stronger on the mindf*ck he's going to put you through. Especially as you get stronger and push back against him.

It's all part of the process. Sorry you have to do the in-house thing. I did that for several months, and it was hell. You see that possibility for having that life back that you miss because you're all still in the house, but yet he is acting like he's single (because in his mind, he is).

You are right -- you need to convince your heart of what your brain already knows. Take note of all the times he does things that are disrespectful of you, or jabs he makes, etc. Then go back periodically and re-read all of those things. Eventually, your hurt and anger will begin to take over for that love and feeling of missing him and your life. Even though you're living together, disengage as much as possible, and have as little to do with him as possible. Observe rather than interact.

Believe me, I wish I'd known about TAM when I was doing in-house separation!

 

[coachman]

Went through the same BS.

Did the in-house thing for 4 months and there is really no way to start healing until you stop living together.

You are getting great advice. The start of the mindfvck with him is just beginning. Follow Angels advice and work on you. The husband you knew is dead and gone at this point.