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Its all about compromise and not always thinking we should get our own way all the time. Anything of this sort is character building and shows what we are made of.
Actually that describes employment. Your strong belief is deeply underscored by your history. I'm more qualified to promote your agenda. But, that is not the topic of discussion. Mismatched drives is not a marriage building challenge, it's just a challenge.
 

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Discussion Starter #45
Great sex is about overcoming a challenge as a couple with teamwork.
Did anyone else consider this bizarre?
An example of a challenge is one person not being happy with his/her body and feeling very self conscious about it. Working together as a couple that can be overcome so that a spouse learns to be both confident and proud of his/her body.

In my opinion there is nothing bizarre about that and the result is that it greatly improves sexual intimacy. There are also endless challenges to overcome when a couple has a mismatched drive:
  • Scheduling time together
  • Reducing anxiety
  • Improving emotional connections
  • Improving communication
  • Learning to appreciate different forms of sexual response / means of arousal (like a responsive drive)
  • Helping each other with self development
  • so on and so on
Badsanta
 

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An example of a challenge is one person not being happy with his/her body and feeling very self conscious about it. Working together as a couple that can be overcome so that a spouse learns to be both confident and proud of his/her body.

In my opinion there is nothing bizarre about that and the result is that it greatly improves sexual intimacy. There are also endless challenges to overcome when a couple has a mismatched drive:
  • Scheduling time together
  • Reducing anxiety
  • Improving emotional connections
  • Improving communication
  • Learning to appreciate different forms of sexual response / means of arousal (like a responsive drive)
  • Helping each other with self development
  • so on and so on
Badsanta
If you meant to say that overcoming challenges is a good thing, then say that. But you didn't, you said "Great sex is about overcoming a challenge as a couple with teamwork. "

If two people have sex that is easy, straightforward and pleasing to both they haven't overcome any challenges so it isn't great sex? I consider that bizarre.
 

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Discussion Starter #47
If you meant to say that overcoming challenges is a good thing, then say that. But you didn't, you said "Great sex is about overcoming a challenge as a couple with teamwork. "

two people have sex that is easy, straightforward and pleasing to both they haven't overcome any challenges so it isn't great sex? I consider that bizarre.
I had never thought of it that way... without some type of challenge to overcome, for me it is kinda meh. As if a spark is missing. But that is just me, I'm sure emotionally effortless sex can be great as well.

So mismatched drives create a lot of sparks! If done just right. :)
 

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Sex in a mismatched marriage is like ice fishing. You still get all of the sitting around and waiting, the cleaning of smelly fish, the time away from home, and so on, but you also get to do it in the dead of winter. you get to sit on the ice, you get to walk on the ice, you get to drill a hole in the ice. See how adding an additional challenge enhances the experience?
 

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I had never thought of it that way... without some type of challenge to overcome, for me it is kinda meh. As if a spark is missing. But that is just me, I'm sure emotionally effortless sex can be great as well.

So mismatched drives create a lot of sparks! If done just right. :)
Badsanta, it sounds like you have been conditioned to only get excited by pushing a boundary (have a challenge to overcome) and if you don't have that you don't get as excited and/or enjoy it as much. Is that accurate?
 

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I had never thought of it that way... without some type of challenge to overcome, for me it is kinda meh. As if a spark is missing. But that is just me, I'm sure emotionally effortless sex can be great as well.

So mismatched drives create a lot of sparks! If done just right. :)
Thanks for explaining, I think I understand what you mean. For me, sex that "lacks" challenges is great.
 

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Discussion Starter #51
Badsanta, it sounds like you have been conditioned to only get excited by pushing a boundary (have a challenge to overcome) and if you don't have that you don't get as excited and/or enjoy it as much. Is that accurate?
I enjoy working on my marriage and seeing the fruits of that labor. As with most things in life you don't learn to really appreciate something until you encounter a problem with it and have to work on it. That is not the same as pushing boundaries, but more like just learning to better appreciate what you have.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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For the lower drive partner the benefits are pretty obvious. Sex whenever you want it, a partner that is probably attentive (until they give up and move on), and at least nowadays control over the relationship.

I'm not sure about the higher drive partner. Motivation to be a better partner to inspire all the attention you can get? Being secure in the knowledge the LD partner isn't seeking sex elsewhere? Knowing that you can keep up sexually?
 

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Being secure in the knowledge the LD partner isn't seeking sex elsewhere? Knowing that you can keep up sexually?
Not so fast. That is often a very erroneous assumption.

Time and time again we see here that it is actually the LD person that strays.

And often it’s not that the HD person is “keeping up” but rather that the LD person isn’t actually of lower drive at all but that they simply are not into sex with their partner.

Your partner not ever wanting to have sex with you is actually a red flag that they are getting it or at least wanting it elsewhere and should definitely not be viewed as assurance they aren’t grazing in greener pastures.
 
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