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It is so easy to complain about mismatched drives, so I want to challenge everyone to say at least one thing positive about it?

I'll go first. Great sex is about overcoming a challenge as a couple with teamwork. Mismatched drives gives a couple extraordinary opportunities to build very strong teamwork skills and have phenomenal sex as a result. Quality over quantity.

Badsanta
 

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the mismatched drives have "driven" my wife and I into better ways to communicate about complex topics and allowed our sense of self and differentiation to grow.
I dunno old friend, for W and I, if we had to spend so much time talking through things to have sex, neither of us would have the patience.

My rule is I'll never negotiate W into sex, we will, or not, if not, that's a problem.

Fortunately it's never been a problem.
 

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I really don't see any benefits. I suppose you could value the experience as preparing you to join a monastic order, become a harem eunuch (cringe!), or develop massive forearms. We've already developed communication and negotiation skills so don't need sexual differences to enhance them. And there need not be a trade-off between quality and quantity - it is entirely possible (and we it find highly desirable) to have both.

We both had starter marriages with mismatched partners, and neither of us will ever settle for an inadequate sex life ever again. I could have more sex just dating than many unfortunate married people - and get a dog for companionship.
 
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When I started dating my wife she hadn鈥檛 had sex in almost three years, she didn鈥檛 seem too pushed about it and didn鈥檛 really believe that an orgasm was a real thing.
Now we have sex every day 馃コ馃コ馃コ
 

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If I ever end up single and dating again, I will never commit to someone who I don't sexually connect with.
Unfortunately NRE can overcompensate and fool you into thinking things are matched and then you end up later feeling like you got a bait and switch.
 

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Her approach to our mismatched drives has been illuminating. It has forced me to see how very little she is willing to work on issues in our relationship, and how closed off to me she is and how disinterested she is in the things that would make me feel loved, maybe even averse.

It has taken quite a bit of time. Earlier, she would make an effort, and I suppose it meant a lot to me at the time because it seemed motivated by love and caring to make me feel loved. That wasn鈥檛 sustained, and the effort became more about her lifestyle preservation or fear of change. Now, even that鈥檚 not worth it to her.

Or maybe it鈥檚 just now, she no longer is inhibited from living her truth, a truth that has been constant over time.

That鈥檚 all to say, over the long term, the mismatch has brought the gift of knowledge.
 

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".........say at least one thing positive about it? ........"

One of the things that David Schnarch says is that marriage is the hardest thing two people can do, if done correctly. He also refers to marriage as a people growing machine.

In light of that, I do feel that the mismatch in my and my W's sex drives has forced us both to emotionally grow and to negotiate what our view of long term marriage includes.

I would add that it probably was no greater a negotiation than parenting style of our two children or a host of financial decisions we made. Yes it almost resulting in divorce until we came to a compromise we could both live with, but we did arrive at that compromise with the help of a great sex therapist/marriage counselor.
 

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It teaches the art of thinking of the other person more and learning to compromise.
 

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I think this depends on what 鈥渕ismatched drives鈥 actually means.

If the mismatch is one wants to swing from the chandeliers and indulge in Brazilian Oil Orgies 5 nights a week and the other wants a simple quickie a couple times a week but both consider the relationship sound and the sex life good, then all is fair and one can make the arguments that the negotiations and mutual cooperation is valuable.

But if the mismatch is that one person simply does not want to or has no sexual attraction or desire for the other, then there is no positive or upside.
 

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A couple that goes from regular good jointly enjoyed sex to hardly no sex or no sex does so for a reason.

Barring medical reasons, that reason is generally indicative of a larger problem which the still higher driver spouse will react to.
 

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the mismatched drives have "driven" my wife and I into better ways to communicate about complex topics and allowed our sense of self and differentiation to grow.
I love that! So true. I struggle with mis-matched drive in my marriage from time to time (husband is lower drive), but it keeps me from replacing connetion with sex. I think it is easy to lose the friendship when life gets fast!
 

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See my post # 14.

You are in the latter group. No benefit.

The latter group is a toxic relationship that only causes pain and problem. No Benefit.
yes, I'm painfully aware of it... but we've solved the problem by not having sex anymore... :LOL:
 
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