Apologies for the above. I'll get out of the way so please ignore.
The backstory
Been lurking here for a while and shoved my tuppence worth in, probably where it wasn't wanted. Felt you all should know why.
Married for over 20 years to a control freak gas lighter. I was loyal, I was a good wife/mother/lover/friend. He cheated and did a whole lot more. I followed the advice, got evidence, said nothing, not a word.
I went looking for the evidence of the affair he was having. A keylogger on the family computer let me into his email. There I learned that I was the nasty ailment he picked up, there I read of the details of his little affair, there I found that he was doing stuff that was worse than the affair. He was downloading vast amounts of child porn, in an account in my name, yards from where my daughter slept. I learned fast how to breath and take action when all I wanted to do was roll into a ball and never come out. I also learned that you never ever ever ask a question to which you don't already know the answer. That's how to catch them in a lie. If you already have iron clad proof, when they lie to you and you slip across the table the proof that they are lying cheating saddos, you are already a step ahead.
That's what I did. When, one night, I was at the end of my bit or rope, I sat him down, nice and quiet and asked questions. He was on his control freak high horse but it didn't matter because, I just handed over the piece of paper (printed out from his email) that caught him in the lie. I did this for three hours and I kept coming. When, he was unable to lie anymore, I went out. Alone. Unaccounted for. This had never happened before to him. Ever. Taking back control is a sweet process.
The next day, I invited him to leave. Two years on, he told me that I could not divorce him. Why? Because he said so. Everything was just 'my perception.' I went for divorce and got the house (because I paid for it, like I paid for everything else.) I got the settlement I wanted because, when we were inches away from the judge I waived the disk in front of him - the disk that had every time he had downloaded an image of a schoolgirl giving a schoolteacher a BJ, in an account in my name. Blackmail? Yup, I did it. After that, I hauled my sad little ass back to normal and built my life. The best way to get even is to be happy.
Fast forward and we are five years on. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. I am not about ti get burned again so we have the good times, the fun times, the laughter, the intimacy. I love this man with my soul. Turns out, we met thirty years ago and neither of us knew. He is beautiful and despite being certain I would never go there again, I do love him.
And now I find he is cheating on me. I am evidence gathering all over again and wondering how, as a smart sassy woman, not too shabby, non stupid, not ugly, I get to pick another ****wit who I will have to show the door. Blimey, did I just get lucky or what?
Married for over 20 years to a control freak gas lighter. I was loyal, I was a good wife/mother/lover/friend. He cheated and did a whole lot more. I followed the advice, got evidence, said nothing, not a word.
I went looking for the evidence of the affair he was having. A keylogger on the family computer let me into his email. There I learned that I was the nasty ailment he picked up, there I read of the details of his little affair, there I found that he was doing stuff that was worse than the affair. He was downloading vast amounts of child porn, in an account in my name, yards from where my daughter slept. I learned fast how to breath and take action when all I wanted to do was roll into a ball and never come out. I also learned that you never ever ever ask a question to which you don't already know the answer. That's how to catch them in a lie. If you already have iron clad proof, when they lie to you and you slip across the table the proof that they are lying cheating saddos, you are already a step ahead.
That's what I did. When, one night, I was at the end of my bit or rope, I sat him down, nice and quiet and asked questions. He was on his control freak high horse but it didn't matter because, I just handed over the piece of paper (printed out from his email) that caught him in the lie. I did this for three hours and I kept coming. When, he was unable to lie anymore, I went out. Alone. Unaccounted for. This had never happened before to him. Ever. Taking back control is a sweet process.
The next day, I invited him to leave. Two years on, he told me that I could not divorce him. Why? Because he said so. Everything was just 'my perception.' I went for divorce and got the house (because I paid for it, like I paid for everything else.) I got the settlement I wanted because, when we were inches away from the judge I waived the disk in front of him - the disk that had every time he had downloaded an image of a schoolgirl giving a schoolteacher a BJ, in an account in my name. Blackmail? Yup, I did it. After that, I hauled my sad little ass back to normal and built my life. The best way to get even is to be happy.
Fast forward and we are five years on. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. I am not about ti get burned again so we have the good times, the fun times, the laughter, the intimacy. I love this man with my soul. Turns out, we met thirty years ago and neither of us knew. He is beautiful and despite being certain I would never go there again, I do love him.
And now I find he is cheating on me. I am evidence gathering all over again and wondering how, as a smart sassy woman, not too shabby, non stupid, not ugly, I get to pick another ****wit who I will have to show the door. Blimey, did I just get lucky or what?
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Sorry you are going into round 2 but I will have to say that I enjoyed reading about your first story, not because of the hell you had to go through but for how smart you were in all your steps. I also got a bit of joy out of hearing you talk about regaining your independence and being happy again! Good for you!Been lurking here for a while and shoved my tuppence worth in, probably where it wasn't wanted. Felt you all should know why.
Married for over 20 years to a control freak gas lighter. I was loyal, I was a good wife/mother/lover/friend. He cheated and did a whole lot more. I followed the advice, got evidence, said nothing, not a word.
I went looking for the evidence of the affair he was having. A keylogger on the family computer let me into his email. There I learned that I was the nasty ailment he picked up, there I read of the details of his little affair, there I found that he was doing stuff that was worse than the affair. He was downloading vast amounts of child porn, in an account in my name, yards from where my daughter slept. I learned fast how to breath and take action when all I wanted to do was roll into a ball and never come out. I also learned that you never ever ever ask a question to which you don't already know the answer. That's how to catch them in a lie. If you already have iron clad proof, when they lie to you and you slip across the table the proof that they are lying cheating saddos, you are already a step ahead.
That's what I did. When, one night, I was at the end of my bit or rope, I sat him down, nice and quiet and asked questions. He was on his control freak high horse but it didn't matter because, I just handed over the piece of paper (printed out from his email) that caught him in the lie. I did this for three hours and I kept coming. When, he was unable to lie anymore, I went out. Alone. Unaccounted for. This had never happened before to him. Ever. Taking back control is a sweet process.
The next day, I invited him to leave. Two years on, he told me that I could not divorce him. Why? Because he said so. Everything was just 'my perception.' I went for divorce and got the house (because I paid for it, like I paid for everything else.) I got the settlement I wanted because, when we were inches away from the judge I waived the disk in front of him - the disk that had every time he had downloaded an image of a schoolgirl giving a schoolteacher a BJ, in an account in my name. Blackmail? Yup, I did it. After that, I hauled my sad little ass back to normal and built my life. The best way to get even is to be happy.
Fast forward and we are five years on. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. I am not about ti get burned again so we have the good times, the fun times, the laughter, the intimacy. I love this man with my soul. Turns out, we met thirty years ago and neither of us knew. He is beautiful and despite being certain I would never go there again, I do love him.
And now I find he is cheating on me. I am evidence gathering all over again and wondering how, as a smart sassy woman, not too shabby, non stupid, not ugly, I get to pick another ****wit who I will have to show the door. Blimey, did I just get lucky or what?
I'm in no way an expert, but I was thinking when I read this. Have you considered writing down the things which attracted you to this man and the things that attracted you to the first. Maybe there is something there.
Be patient..Others will be on their way now.
Be patient..Others will be on their way now.
Oh yes, I've been round the 'how the heck did I attract two men who were the same' dance. Only common theme is little me. So now I must gather evidence, accept being a fool. I get it. Nobody to blame but me.I'm in no way an expert, but I was thinking when I read this. Have you considered writing down the things which attracted you to this man and the things that attracted you to the first. Maybe there is something there.
Be patient..Others will be on their way now.
No! That's not what I meant. I do feel sorry for you. I posted this because of exactly what the person above me said. You seem like you really really do have it under control. You know what you want to do and how to do it.Oh yes, I've been round the 'how the heck did I attract two men who were the same' dance. Only common theme is little me. So now I must gather evidence, accept being a fool. I get it. Nobody to blame but me.
I would think you would want to start the 180 immediately. For the rest, I think you are a very strong woman. I just thought you might help yourself. You deserve happiness just like everyone else.
I meant NO disrespect. None. I was insensitive in not considering you cannot see what I am thinking and I am sorry for that.
You are legally and morally obliged to inform the police.He was downloading vast amounts of child porn, in an account in my name, yards from where my daughter slept.
I'm sorry you had to come herem friend.
I hate all those threads about having the wrong picker. A huge part of the population cheats, the researchs show it. It's not rare at all you get involved twice with a someone who cheat on you. It's tragic. It happens all the time. It doesn't mean there's something wrong in you.
It's like codependence, which is something who usually is very ingrained into your character. It's it possible all people whose partner for some reason become addict or alcohlic or develoip some compulsion suddenly were codependent from the very beggining?
It doesn't mean you don't have to think about it but please don't overthink it if ther's nothing more than the fact your new partner is cheating on you.
Keep gathering info before any confrontation. Sorry to hear you had to learn this the hard way.
I hate all those threads about having the wrong picker. A huge part of the population cheats, the researchs show it. It's not rare at all you get involved twice with a someone who cheat on you. It's tragic. It happens all the time. It doesn't mean there's something wrong in you.
It's like codependence, which is something who usually is very ingrained into your character. It's it possible all people whose partner for some reason become addict or alcohlic or develoip some compulsion suddenly were codependent from the very beggining?
It doesn't mean you don't have to think about it but please don't overthink it if ther's nothing more than the fact your new partner is cheating on you.
Keep gathering info before any confrontation. Sorry to hear you had to learn this the hard way.
Not true.Oh yes, I've been round the 'how the heck did I attract two men who were the same' dance. Only common theme is little me. So now I must gather evidence, accept being a fool. I get it. Nobody to blame but me.
There is a pretty high probability of you being unlucky - just look at the stats for how many people cheat.
You will be more likely to *discover* infedility, having been through it once before - so you just raised your chances of becoming a statistic too. There will be lots that are victims of betrayal without ever realising.
This is *not* your fault.
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